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  2. i need to know whats normal

    Youre a normal addict. All of these thoughts are completely normal and ive been there with the exact same symptoms and concerns. Youre not a piece of shit. Youre right, no adderall high-fake feeling of cracked out euphoria is worth sacrificing your true self for. My best advice is to go to an NA meeting, get a sponsor, get to know yourself and deal with the shit in your life that you know you need to deal with. Its inevitavble. Its fucking hard but continuing the spiral of addiction is x1000 more painful.
  3. i need to know whats normal

    I admit that I have a problem/addiction to adderall. It doesn't surprise me. I always liked the energy of stimulants. But even though I have been hooked on nicotine and caffeine for years, i never thought something would take ahold of me like adderall has. I started snorting cocaine at one point just socially/recreationally. But when it started making me feel like shit the next day and wasnt worth it to me anymore i stopped. Ive been offered coke plenty of times since and have no problem turning it down. But Addy has ruined me. And I know this. I know that I lose control and binge until im sick and have probably overdosed. I have laid in bed with blue toes, cold, sweating, heart fluttering, left arm hurting and said to myself i am going to kill myself if i dont stop. I get up and flush the rest down the toilet even though a part of me doesn't want to. I make my mind up that thats it. There is so much more to life than this. I go through the hell of withdrawal and severe depression. Ive had clinical depression most of my life and take medication but even with my medicine the depression is horrible. I do all this. I feel like a stranger to myself for a few weeks. I have thoughts that are confusing. Conflicting. Horrible. I get through it and eventually life and myself seem familiar again and I think oh, i finally got here. Things make sense. Im ok. I dont know how I forgot that life is better without adderall. What was i thinking? Im never taking that shit again. Im confident. But eventually, without me even realizing it, i try again. Just one time. To get shit done. I wont lose control. I just need it one day to get all these errands done and the house cleaned. I know after going through this for several years now that its the addiction that tricks me. But I dont recognize it when it happens. I just need to know that im normal. That all of this is normal and im not crazy. And that im not a total piece of shit who is weak and could stop if she really wanted to. Because i do stop. For a while. But I always forget that the first high isnt worth all i go through. I forget where it always ends up. Until im there. I also would like to know is it normal to feel like you aren't sure of anything? Like, my thoughts get so jumbled I cant tell what my "truth" is. How do i separate my true self from the thoughts the addiction is making me think? If anyone could please offer any advice, tips, criticism anything. I have a hard time opening up to people and being social as it is because of my anxiety disorder. I need some support from people who get it. I need to know that I will be ok and normal again.
  4. Today
  5. Same Shit (kinda?) Same Toilet

    I read the whole thing. Getting off and staying off Adderall has to be your #1 priority. Or not, and you can continue as you are. All the psychobabble in the world, talking about your anxiety, career, school, etc won't do a damn until you deal with the elephant in the room. You know you're addicted to this stuff. You know you can't take it as prescribed. You know it doesn't work for you any more. Ive been where you're at. It doesn't get better. There aren't a bunch of lessons you need to learn from continued relapse. Do what you've gotta do to quit and stay quit. Good luck.
  6. Disgusting

    "He cannot and will not take liquids or swallow pills so this IS my only option to help him." See anything wrong with that quote? Guess parents these days are such pussies they can't make a child do what they tell them so they must give them amphetamines but even that has to be on the child's terms. When I was a kid I recall having to take some nasty ass medicine we didn't have all this flavored crap when I was young. Even if I didn't want to I had little options take the damn medicine or get my ass spanked. Parents today are to fucking soft and they need a quick fix big Pharma happy to oblige.
  7. Last time I was here I wrote that I had relapsed and that was a month ago. I asked my psych to put me back on adderall because I was overwhelmed with college (my second quarter back post-dropping out due to adderall burn out 2 years ago) and when I am faced with even minor stress these days I just go straight for the pills. Ironically it doesn't make me feel less stressed or even help me focus and get that much done anymore so idk why it's even a solution in my dumbass head. I haven't gotten the adderall-study session effect in over a year. Why would this be different? Either way I ran out last month but 2 weeks later went to my psych (my goal was to talk about my anxiety, loneliness, and depression worsening) but instead in our very brief visit (I try to get my $ worth and tell her about my life even if she obviously wants to know about the adderall) which lasted 10 min she suggested an increase in dose since I have long school days. Long story short .. Not only did I manage to get my dose increased (w/o asking even), but I got a refill that same day and it was for two months instead of my usual one month supply. Honestly it's so painful thinking back to that day because I remember having good intentions. I didn't want to binge, isolate myself, be wired awake.. I was trying to remember that on my way out of the pharmacy because after running out last time I went as far as to but Ritalin from a coworker (fucking hated Ritlain so much - more zombie like than with adderall) so I didn't wanna go down that road again. Next thing I knew I was 3 pills in, not 10 after leaving the pharmacy. Justifying myself by thinking of all the school work I have to do and will get done because I have adderall now! Nope.Same shit happened that day like every other time I picked up a refill. Binge over 100mg first day, use 100mg+ to stay awake the next, and so on. Same thing: sweaty as hell and tweaked out at work which was harder than usual because just about the whole store was quitting due to a new manager coming in (i was looking for less stressful jobs on the side but didn't have any luck at the time), Like I said.. same shit.. felt awful as I rapidly cut myself off from everyone even my family in the same house. Claiming to have lots of hw. I did, but I wasn't doing it. Mostly staring off into space or hating myself again. In the (very likely) event some didn't want to read my adderall-rambling nonsense above.. here's the gist: relapsed twice in two months, somehow got a dose increase and got two months supply instead of one month, and per usual fooled myself into thinking I had control over my use. Again I was on another adderall binge that within the first few days caused me to act like before but this time around I had the pleasure of watching myself fuck up my life even more by quitting my job without a backup (and keeping that from my parents who i live with), skipping class most of this whole week, stay at home literally all week long, and manage to keep up the binge to my now 8th day on a constant 100-180mg dose. I feel more depressed and alone now more than ever where it makes me want to sit and cry. I'm so desperate to not feel alone or like I'm at a stand-still that I just use adderall to speed things up, hoping to reach a point in time where things are better but the fact is that point will never exist if I stay like this. Never. It's taken me almost 9 days of this misery to realize the reason I do this. I don't know the underlying cause 100% but for the first time I have discovered a good chunk of the reason. Unlike ever before I have pills left and I want to give them up. Normally I'd "want" to quit cause I had to. I won't last the whole 2 months but the least I can do, I think, is gradually take a little less and not go back above it (recently went from 150mg down to 120mg) and it's the last chance and only choice I have to cushion the blow i will surely feel when I am without adderall for the next month and a half (two months basically). My inner voice (inner-critic/addict) makes me feel hopeless and doomed, but in my short time being a member of this community, I have been told/shown/etc that isn't ever the case. Even with me as far gone as this week makes me feel like I am. I like to think the mere fact I would post here again, the fact I literally locked my pills out in my car (yeah.. I know..), and the fact that even with pills left I am getting ready to quit once more, that maybe, just maybe, I am not as weak and pathetic as I thought. I may not be perfect (even w/ adderall) but I really am trying my fucking best to not let this defeat break me. Not again. I know I am stronger now. Each backslide just means I have something new to learn for the next time. Each fuck up occurs to teach me something I didn't know last time. Writing these things make me feel whole again for the first time in quite some time. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Cheers
  8. Disgusting

    I was prescribed adderall kinda late, when I was 18, and given the fact how drastically different my life is now because of it I honestly can't imagine what it's doing to children. Mind you I abused it more often than not but still this really pains me to see people being fooled into thinking this drug isn't the dangerous thing it really has the potential to be. Lately it just blows my mind how kids are on this drug in grade school. One of the comments on the article makes me so much more sad though I'll paste it... " My child truly needs the assistance of medication though I have ALWAYS been against the idea. He cannot and will not take liquids or swallow pills so this IS my only option to help him. He has only taken this for a month and his abilities to focus have improved greatly. His grades are rising. He needs this as much as I wish he did not. All meds can be used inappropriately and yes this could be used that way, but there IS aneed and not just a want" Idk if it's just me but this makes me so frustrated with parents. First, I get the whole treating ADHD/ADD thing of course but the problem I have is how quick people are to using amphetamine like sure it will help your child focus but do you know what else amphetamine does? Second, part of me feels so bad for this kid cause it really helped my focus too until I lost my personality. Lost my interests. Lost my desire for any social interaction. Eventually? Maybe not so much. Third, bothers me about how fixated parents are about school grades to the point of using medicine for straight A's - sure they're learning what's on the tests but what does that mean in the real world? Sorry for ranting on this post for so long, but I also am disgusted by this story. When you can focus and be interested in EVERYTHING, and I've found this out the hard way, you are interested in nothing.
  9. Disgusting

    It should be a crime any doctor giving a child this drug. Oppents say they really need it because it helps. Well yeah no shit it helps anybody ADHD or not it's a powerful narcotic that makes you super fucking focused. Maybe displine your kid and quit buying them soda pop before school and sugary breakfast cereal etc. Cocaine really helped toothaches opium really helped cure headaches at one time no difference really.
  10. Disgusting

    Holyshit, that's ridiculous.. poor kids..
  11. Yeah forreal, just want to lay down and feel genuinely relaxed.. its nice to hang out with friends but I still catch myself noticing how tense I am. Another day down!
  12. Yesterday
  13. Disgusting

    People right now should see this ad from the 1800's no more offensive than the ad I posted above. Maybe one day people will wake the fuck up but right now they believe if a doctor prescribes it then it must be safe.
  14. Disgusting

    Yep it's real https://www.statnews.com/2016/05/23/adhd-drug-concerns/. America is so fucking blind it's beyond comprehension.
  15. Four Years Ago Today

    Wow. Can't believe you've been quit for 4 years. That also means I have a 4 year anniversary coming up. Wow. I'm super busy these days new job and probably should get back to work but I'm glad I checked in today. Make sure you do something nice for yourself today. Little changes daily make big changes happen. Congrats.
  16. Hey bro got new max at the gym.

    I'll just post a video of tonight's work out.
  17. Last week
  18. Go us:) yeah i think thats my issue too--clenching my jaw. My facial muscles always ache and im so faaacking tired of it just wanna be able to chill like a normal human being. I keep checking in almost daily too its a good reminder that i'm not alone in this struggle.
  19. Ticker gone ?

    I don't think the new (upgraded) site software supports the tickers...
  20. Will the drive ever come back?

    Yes. Got off it at 24, and I feel "full strength" now at 28 (nearly 29...yeesh). Probably been near/at this point for a couple years, it just hasn't "felt" like it. Came across this article the other day and loved it. Think it's something many of us struggle with after Adderall: https://startupbros.com/21-ways-overcome-impostor-syndrome/
  21. Will the drive ever come back?

    I totally understand how daunting it seems and the feeling of damned if you damned if you don't. But as mentioned we're so young, im right there with you at 24, and even if it takes 2,3,4 years to get it back we won't even have reached 30 yet. And conquering a task like this will stick with you the rest your life and encourage you along with so many people that you can do anything you put mind to consistently. I really feel for you. I believe you can do it especially with help/support.
  22. Strange habits after quitting? Nail biting

    I never had any anxious habits before adderall but now going through quitting my legs are restless all the time. I think it's a lot to do with just the anxiety of going through withdrawal and quitting. Before using adderall it might of just been a habit that started from an earlier anxious period. Only advice I can think of would be working to calm yourself through yoga/music/meditation or keep yourself/hands busy through any hobby, working out would be good for both calming and staying busy. I know you can keep your hands busy constantly but slowly reducing the time you have to bite maybe eventually you'll be able to stop. Also a reward system for going without, starting with small periods/goals. Talking about and exploring/understanding the reasons behind it and the anxiety would definitely be a good idea too.
  23. Quitting again after a setback

    I've been in exactly the same position and you did the right thing by flushing them. Hang in there and stay strong you can do it.
  24. Pretty sure you've seen my other recent post but yeah, going on six weeks and damn I'm tired of my jaw being clenched. It's not so much grinding which might be better because I would actually be moving it but it's just always clenched and aches like a mofo. I'm finding myself on here more lately as stress outside of the adderall has hit the fan and I am feeling particularly extra shitty. I can relate to doing the basics more meaningfully.. anything to keep my mind from obsessing over a moment of relief through all the other substances I used with adderall. But anyways, its nice to see you're still on here and staying strong. Another day down!
  25. Well after about a year straight hitting the gym maxed out 3 reps of 230 pounds bench press this evening. Know that's not like a big number for some guys but for me I never even got that in my early 20's when I worked out pre adderal, I'm about 180lbs myself. Also now can do about 10 chin ups in a row or 8 pull-ups feel working on those helped me gain more strength vs anything else I did. When I first started working out I used the pull up assist machine but worked my way off it after a couple of months it did its job. Anyways just sharing because I've been through a lot in this recovery must thank the gym for the help and you can reach new heights of this drug.
  26. Adderall and Alcohol

    Adderall definitely made me start drinking a lot. HOWEVER in these first stages I find myself using it to deal with recovery now that I'm not sleeping whenever I'm not at work. Definitely not good.
  27. Quitting again after a setback

    Day 7!!!! I clearly need bed. I meant day 3 of prescription waiting
  28. Quitting again after a setback

    Thank you! You have no idea how much it means to get some support. I'm prescribed Adderall and Vyvanse and currently have the latter waiting for me at the pharmacy (don't lose hope! It's day 3 and I haven't picked up) and it's so hard. Today's the first day I didn't imagine myself napping on the ground and in the road so I'm feeling ok. Although I did miss my subway stop on the way to work bc I fell asleep. Anyway just wanted to check in and say thanks.
  29. Inspirational Music

    i listened to this song today and felt like it exemplified my battle with addiction, from eating disorders, depression, compulsive thoughts, distructive relationships every outlet ive looked for a solition but only found pain. Its been a battle between myself and i, my addictive personality and the voice that wants me well. "our human hearts forget how strong they are, and they get lost along the way, hey its not giving up, its letting go and moving to a better place." Letting go of trying to controll everything and accepting myself for who i am and where I am and trusting that life will take me where I need to be. Im done playing god trying to control every aspect of my life from the outward appearnce of success to how i feel.
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