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  1. Today
  2. Useful Resource

    Hi adderallics, thanks for being so supportive. I'm very grateful for this little online hub. I found this resource for dealing with amphetamine detox/withdrawal, for those who might benefit...hope it is helpful Amphetamine_wdl.pdf
  3. Yesterday
  4. So anxious...

    Good morning!! Happy Saturday! I hope you are off work today and successfully made it through the day yesterday. Did you get it all done? You inspired me to listen to more of this book yesterday, "The Power of Now" because I started thinking about it and realized I had only listened to a small chunk. It's pretty good so far. I'm not sure I understand how it helps as far as tackling our to do lists and everyday life, but it's been really helpful with racing thoughts. Is there any way you could cut your workload down or go part time during your quit? I feel like you need a break to readjust to life without the orange monsters!
  5. Unexpected Triggers and Coping

    I think you should look into the FMLA laws. I also used FMLA to go to rehab and I literally told them one day and left the next. I know one other person who has done the same for other mental health issues. I think chemical dependency qualifies as a serious health condition and shouldn't be subject to a waiting period or approval process.
  6. After a Decade on Adderall, I’m 30 Days Clean

    I relate to this SO much. I promise to myself that I will post on here before seeking out a new script. I have posted on here when I felt like giving in (today is only day 6) but I am glad you wrote this b/c I remember what it was like when I quit before. I too, have been on these meds for a decade, but I had a period where I stopped for a few years and everything got better. (Until I convinced myself that I could take Adderall and not misuse it - and I got another script.) And, you know the rest of the story... lol (I did control my usage and it worked - until I didn't and it didn't - then I slowly made my way right back to the same place I was in when I quit the first time, only substituting my script for benzos instead of alcohol. Lots and lots and lots of anxiety trying to get stuff done, but I am trying hard to go easy on myself, be kind to myself and do the minimum. This is going to be an insanely busy weekend and then I'm back to work on Monday from 9am til 9pm. But I can do it. Just one thing at a time. Breathe...
  7. Unexpected Triggers and Coping

    Important for me to remember. I KNOW this, but I need to say it over and over and over to myself. Today is day 6! I'm really doing it!
  8. Unexpected Triggers and Coping

    @m34 not yet, I'll just lay it all out - after posting, I went to see my therapist, and at once I realized I need to go back to rehab. I wasn't ready the first time around, and I am just having an immeasurably difficult time staying clean again. The withdrawal is horrendous. I work a very high-pressure job and am trying to get FMLA now, they say it will take a few weeks...and I don't know if my "window of willingness" will last that long. I'm desperate. I have friends around me, but feel so completely alone. I think the last 6 months of using drove everyone away...my career is everything to me, and I'm just not sure what to do: book a flight now, hell with the consequences, and check myself in? Or do I wait for the medical leave to be granted and go in due time, if I'm still willing to go...I wouldn't wish addiction on my worst enemy, and all my friends are recovering alcoholics...I'm in the loneliest place I've been in a long, long time.
  9. Last week
  10. Unexpected Triggers and Coping

    I have to keep telling myself this over and over. yeah its hard to trust the process because recovery is not a linear process. You don't always improve from one day to the next... you can have some great weeks and then suffer a setback of anxiety and cravings. But as you put together months and years things start drastically improving. Obviously positive habits help build momentum, exercise, meditation, healthy eating etc
  11. Unexpected Triggers and Coping

    I have to keep telling myself this over and over.
  12. Unexpected Triggers and Coping

    If stimulants were her drug of choice then I'd do my best to discourage her from phentermine. That stuff is trash and its very harsh. I justified using it at the end of my adderall abuse but I was quickly abusing it the same way. The odds of this drug having a positive impact on your friends life is super slim. She might have another small honeymoon phase but it'll go bad. That shit made my heart race, made me sweat and horrific panic attacks when I abused it. I recommend your friend find a healthier way to get fit. And I strongly discourage you from justifying that as an alternative to adderall. As you string together some clean time your anxiety will improve and slowly you'll gain clarity of mind but if you interrupt that with stimulants you'll just be prolonging all the healing.
  13. SO OVERWHELMED

    I said no do doing a phone session with a client today! (It was even asked as a favor by a friend/colleague.) That was a big deal. I felt all the feels... financial insecurity, guilt, etc. etc. And had like an hour and a half of self-talk back and forth after she asked me, lol, but ultimately stuck to my guns. I'm proud of myself!
  14. Day 1

    Well I am very glad that I could make an impact on you too! It's interesting b/c I have a love/hate relationship with sobriety dates. On one hand, they help keep me sober. On the other hand, they make a slip up turn into a big fuck it. I was in AA for those years (I really should figure out how long it actually was... I notice I keep saying different numbers of years, but I honestly don't remember. It was somewhere between 6 and 8 ... oh wait my son is 8... so maybe it was 5 years??) Wow I really have a distorted sense of time in general lol. Anyway, what preciptated the slip was that I convinced myself it wasn't a slip. I legit do have ADD so I convinced myself that it would be fine to take ADD meds as prescribed. And I did. Until I didn't. The 6 years (or 5 years?! LOL) was great. And when I look back, I can remember that I was able to do all of the things off of Adderall that I did on it. But I could never get off of it again for good once I was on it. I absolutely LOVE smart recovery. Def start a meeting if you can! There are no in person smart meetings near me, but I do online ones sometimes. I have a love/hate relationship with 12 steps lol. I don't plan to go back to the program, but I don't dislike it so much anymore either. I know what works from the program and I am implementing that in my own life. Including accountability and connection. I do wish there was an easy way to be around a bunch of other sober people other than 12-steps, but it is what it is. I am also an addiction therapist (among a million other types of therapy i do, not only substance abuse) but that is ironic as well lol. or not actually. b/c no one doing substances is actually unique -- when we're using, we're predictable (including thinking we're unique). I honestly don't mean to sound like I am judging anyone else -- anyone can be however they want to be. I'm only speaking about me and what I've learned. I sometimes get scared that I sound like I am projecting how "other people are" and b/c that has been done to me for so much of my life I am very sensitive to it.
  15. So anxious...

    I absolutely love this. I can totally relate!
  16. Unexpected Triggers and Coping

    Guys I SO relate to what you are posting here! I wish we ALL worked together! LOL. I go back to work on Monday (which will be day 8) and it's so crazy how this trigger thing works. Like, this morning I had a better morning with way less anxiety, and I was all set to go do some work and then I listened to a message from a friend/colleague and had a totally unexpected trigger! First, she asked if I could do a phone session with a patient today even though I'm off (I'm a therapist) and it started my head spinning - (My thoughts whirled: Should I take the session? It's good money... no I shouldn't! I'm off this week to get stuff done and I only have 6 more hours of the week left before I am slammed straight into back to back plans. Don't let fear of financial insecurity guide your actions! You are fine without taking this call... But, really, it's only going to be 45 minutes -- btw, she asked me this over an hour ago and I haven't recovered yet -- arghhhh! -- you should just take the call and get it over with and you'll still be able to get plenty done... no you won't -- you KNOW you won't -- and even if it's just 45 minutes you'll feel so upset that you took that time away from yourself and your plan... you know how you could get SO much more done and actually feel interested in talking to the patient today? You could just take a half.... UGH.) Anyway, I am all over the place but I was expecting to be triggered when I go back to work tomorrow; I wasn't expecting to be triggered today like that, and THEN, to make matters harder, this friend has been substance free for like 8 years, and the next message i listened to from her was her confessing to me that she's going to go to a weight loss clinic and be prescribed phentermine b/c she can't lose 25 lbs (and stimulants were her drug of choice and 8 years ago when she relapsed it started with phentermine.) And guess what I felt when I heard her message? (Well, a part of me did feel grateful that she felt safe enough with me that she could share without judgement) BUT THE OTHER PART OF ME FELT JEALOUS!!!! And I immedately started googling phentermine vs. adderall. Omg. And now I've got all kinds of self-justification tapes running through my head... "Well, if she can handle it, then I definitely can" (of course she hasn't even shown whether or not she can, and whether or not she can has nothing to do with me.) "Maybe you jumped a little too hard and fast into all that 'done for good with stimulants' stuff you posted about yesterday." "Maybe all the relief you felt on the board was sort of false, like some of the things you jumped on hard and fast in the 12 steps 8 years ago, that turned out not be exactly accurate..." (This is not reality b/c there is nothing I'm "jumping on" here except other people sharing their experiences and me relating completely and being vulnerable back.) Okay, my head is spinning, but the one thing I DO know is that I won't use any substances today. Because this will pass, and whether or not I get ANYTHING done, I don't need to hop onto that Adderall train for another 5 years. I left my friend a message and told her that I love her and support her no matter what she chooses, but that the one thing I worry about is her trying to get "off" the phentermine. B/c it always starts off so innocently, and it isn't that I couldn't control my use ... i controlled it for years.... until i didn't. And,tolerance is a bitch. So there were years where i was taking so much more than prescribed and snorting it just to feel "normal" like i used to feel when i took it as prescribed. And i started reading ADD magazine forums where people found so much relief once they started stimulants. But, it did occur to me that many of the people's descriptions of how "normal" they felt while on the meds was actually more like their perception of what "everyone else" must feel like to "get so much done." Like one person saidthat normally after an 8 hour day of teaching she goes home b/c she is tired and stressed (which i think is ACTUALLY normal) but on stimulants she was so much more "normal" and was able to finish teaching and then do 3 IEP's and answer all of her emails. And i was like... uh, no, that's actually NOT normal. That's called high on amphetamines. (I know that sounds SO judgmental. I don't mean it to be judgmental - seriously, to each their own - but I just need to find a way to vent my frustration.) If you are living in a world of people pretending to be superhuman and able to get superhuman amounts of work done, than of course you are going to think that THAT is normal and what's up with you is messed up. (I am working to convince myself I don't need meds to be okay and productive in my life.) I know in my heart that this is true, but I also know in my heart that I finally have to change my own definition of "productive" or else it won't work. B/c i really won't be able to keep up with everything. And THAT IS OKAY.
  17. So anxious...

    I loved reading your response. I am super anxious again right now but it's really interesting b/c I wasn't a little bit ago. Like, I had these minutes I had to get done for a board of directors meeting that I'm not going to (but I am the secretary) and doing them is the BANE OF MY ADD EXISTANCE!!! So i literally waited until the very last minute and got them done on adrenaline. Which sucked, but was also a good reminder that I CAN do things without adderall... I just have to figure out how to not do it like THAT, but I don't have to figure that out today. Anyway, after getting them done I felt much calmer and regulated, like I was going to be able to tackle one thing at a time on my to do list, but right now I am back to that crazy anxious feeling as I watch the clock and see the time ticking away... only 6 more hours left to "get it all done." omg that is not helpful lol. Okay, one thing at a time. I can use what I did this morning and apply it to the next things on my to do list. I blocked everything else out and said I had to do the minutes. Breathe.
  18. So anxious...

    @DelaneyJuliette Wow, I'm so glad you are feeling the joy of being raw and vulnerable here! Thank you for sharing all your experiences too! That day of the accident is an absolute testimony of what adderall does to me! I don't usually ever go more than 5 maybe 10 miles over the speed limit. The fact that I was driving insane like that in horrible conditions just goes to show how invincible I felt being on adderall. It had literally just kicked in and I hadn't had any in a long time. I felt like superman. So insane!!! I am just so blessed that nobody got hurt besides me (I did break a tiny bone in my back), but I should seriously be dead. Anyhow, like you were saying there is so much relief in coming CLEAN! You know the craziest thing happened during the accident. After I was handcuffed and put in the back of the police car I actually laughed to myself because I thought, "Thank GOD this is over. I will never have to go through this again." I knew I was done with ALL OF IT. No more. NEVER AGAIN. And since then I have felt this tremendous freedom because I don't have to hide anything from anyone. I don't really care what anyone thinks of me today. I F-D up BIG TIME, but the past is the past and all I can do is move forward now and be grateful I didn't keep spiraling out of control for the next however many years. I'm coming up on the 6 month mark as of Christmas and that feels so amazing. Everyday this all moves farther and farther away from me and all I can do now is look to a brighter future and learn from the past. Like you said, posting all this out on this site creates some serious accountability because you know once it's out there you don't want to have to come back and say you went backwards again. Every time I post anything anywhere I just look at it as another deposit into my recovery. As many days as I have urges and cravings to go back to using the logic part of my brain knows that is a horrible idea and to keep at this recovery thing until it no longer is a struggle again someday. When I look back to what made me start all this up again it had to do with some relationships that weren't exactly closed off. I followed little crumbs thrown at me until I jumped off the ledge of insanity again. Makes me pretty sick to think that I gave up 18 months clean for nothing as of course those relationships fell apart eventually and I'm the one who ended up with a OMVI, destroyed car, and about $20k spent on cleaning up the entire mess. Not quite the fairytale ending. BUT at least I'm not dead, I'm not paralyzed, I did't hurt anyone, and I made it back to the path of recovery. I could've chosen differently. It's amazing the blessings that come with recovery. Do you know that since I got sober on 6/25/19, I went on and did a half ironman a month later, won 2nd place for my age group in a half marathon 2 months after that, and then went on and qualified for the Boston marathon (my 2nd time since I was 22 and have been dreaming about for all these years since as I never ran it the first time I qualified) in October? I literally randomly signed up for the marathon not thinking I could even do it since I had a broken bone. I tried to sign up for the half, but there was a cheaper deal on craigslist from some guy selling his bib. Anyhow, I mention all of this because it's UNREAL what you can achieve sober or at least how drastically different my life is in recovery. EVERYTHING gets better. It's just the drugs tricking you that can't function without them. ESPECIALLY ADDERALL. But I know that I know that I know that my life is a MILLION TIMES BETTER OFF without it! Anyhow, I just typed out an essay. Sorry about that, lol. I have so much on my mind. Message me if you need someone to reach out to if you're feeling down! I love helping others whenever possible. It helps keep me clean! Much love!! LT P.s. I wanted to share one more thing I found last night. Remember the signs I mentioned yesterday? I looked up my sobriety date under the angel number signs and this is what it says. I thought it was pretty awesome! #SIGNS Angel number 625 meaning shows that this is the time for you to make some necessary but very important changes in your life. This change will help open new and eventful opportunities in your life. These opportunities will lead to your growth and expansion in the right direction. As much as change is difficult, adapt to it for your own benefit.
  19. So anxious...

    @m34, is there any particular "binaural beat" you like? I had never heard of it before you mentioned it. I am having trouble sleeping and that is something I'm not used to. I keep waking up at like 3am and not being able to go back to sleep. So I finally get to try to get some of the things done that are driving the anxious thoughts and my brain won't let me focus! Argh!! "Rolling anxiety" is the perfect description - like it's rushing through me. Ugh. I feel like I picked the craziest time to try to do this - so many things going on! But I can do this. Today is Day 5. So grateful for the connection and support. I went to my daughters holiday concert at school last night and it was nice. A part of me knows that I will get through all of this. Another part just isn't sure yet just quite HOW...
  20. So anxious...

    @LILTEX41 and @DelaneyJuliette I was on adderall for every fender bender I’ve ever been in over the yrs. I never put that together until a couple months ago. Crazy how I never realized. I’m lucky that they weren’t worse. I was always running late, lost, or distracted when driving.
  21. So anxious...

    I know It feels like it will never go away! It will. Right now you are in the worse part. I had rolling anxiety the first 10 days. I don’t know why I called it rolling. It felt like it was rushing through me. As if everything was falling through my finger tips ( literally and figuratively). Have you tried binaural beats ? I listened to those a lot in the beginning. It helped calm me down. Also, GABA worked for anxiety. At least it took the edge off some days. (if you are taking supplements). Hang on because it does get better. Wish there was a perfect withdrawal formula, but it’s a lot of trial and error
  22. @SleepyandsoberThis part is the worse! I remember horrible anxiety in beginning with the night (sometimes day)sweats. Hang in there because you are close! How long has it been since this time when you quit? Have you hit 10 days yet ? That was the mark when it started to get better for me physically at least. I’m still struggling at work with my coworkers on Adderall constantly. I’m almost thinking I need to quit my job. Then I think how ridiculous is that! It’s like I’m letting adderall control me again without being on it. I hope you feel better soon
  23. So anxious...

    I'm so incredibly grateful for your honesty and your vulnerability. I 100% completely understand the being too scared to post about it. This site has allowed me to become more and more vulnerable and raw and real, and ultimately, I do know that is one of the components that is integral in this working. That's one of the reasons that it was able to go on for so long - because I never REALLY let anyone in all the way into what I was back doing. A little bit here and there, but not all the way. I can't tell you the number of times I've rushed to work amped up on adderall (often trying to sober up from something else and the adderall "working") just trying to make it on time. And the self-justifications! Oh my goodness! I am remembering that I quit speeding after hearing a sober keynote speaker at a professional convention talk about how she made the decision that she didn't want to live that way anymore (holy crap... that was the same woman whose speech gave me the "aha" that I had a "for real" drinking problem 9ish years ago.) I only drank a handful of times over the 9 years, but... man... I sure did get enough prescriptions for "downers" that my body didn't give a shit if it was alcohol or in pill form. (And neither would the road have cared if I was still driving...) And, I only "really" used the downers to balance out the adderall anyway, so it wasn't like I was abusing them (wtf?! As I type this I am SO aware of my insanity....) Anyway, I really did quit speeding! It was just a decision! But... guess what I didn't quit? Running yellow(ish) lights. I got 3 red light tickets in less than a year. (maybe even like 6 months!) And I got MAD when my husband got mad at me for that!! It was all "justified" in my mind because I wasn't speeding anymore and yellow lights are safe.... (nevermind the person who told me the story about having just taken traffic school and citing some actual statistic of accidents that happen b/c of people who run yellow/red lights and the other light isn't timed right and there's a head on collision -- I literally laughed off his concern and had told him I know there's "a significant delay" between one light turning red and the other turning green.) I'm shaking my head as I type this. Anyway, I was doing ALL of this while texing whole conversations to people. Sometimes I'd even end up totally lost and really late for somewhere (including picking up my kids from something) b/c I'd finally look up and realize that I was lost. Like... in my own town (wow, it's not often I feel so much shame. Yikes... okay but it's not happening right now, and what IS happening is that I am sitting here typing where potentially my words can impact another person. Shame isn't useful, presence is. Okay, breathe.) Wow. I cannot believe how lucky I am. Literally, wtf. I want you to know that you have changed my life. Literally. I know I can only make a choice about my next action right now, but having this conversation has been like the hammer that has nailed this all in. I am so done with all of that. SO DONE. I have to be. Because again, if I go back on this decision now, it is literally me choosing to put whatever bullshit I feel is "urgent" in the moment ahead of my most important everything -- my kids. Whatever "feelings" I "don't feel like tolerating" will literally be me choosing that over them. And if I have written this and posted it, and then I go back on everything I've just said that is 100% authentic and raw and real, and I try to "self-justify" my way out of it, I won't be okay with myself. I know that we can't go back and make things different than they already are right now. But we CAN be causative and make things different going forward. And THAT is what I am choosing right now. I am so grateful.
  24. So anxious...

    Ok, you're making a big impact on me and I am grateful to have someone I can be helpful to right now! I want you to really understand my situation so this doesn't happen to you and you CAN break free NOW before anything bad happens like it did to me! I have not brought this up on this forum because I've been too scared to post about it, but I want to tell you something. There were only a few times I went back and got adderall during my slip of the past few years. I had just recently found a few people who would sell them to me. The day of my accident I had just gotten some pills because I needed to sober up for work and I was freaking the hell out. WELL, they were sitting on my passenger seat and I had just popped the first one an hour before the accident. It had just kicked in and I was going about 80-100 mph because I was so high and trying to get to work on time. It was POURING down rain so I hydroplaned. THEN as soon as the semi hit and the car stopped, I came to with all the airbags deployed and my first thought was GRAB THE PILLS!! I put them in my pocket, right? Well, I wasn't thinking straight to say the least. The cops came, gave me a sobriety test, and then searched me and found them. I was charged with a freaking FELONY! I then went on and did outpatient rehab and EVERYTHING I possibly could to get it dismissed. It has been dismissed now THANK GOD and I just have to go get the records sealed next week. PLEASE use this for your benefit and let it be another sign to stay clean. I hope this helps. Hugs!
  25. So anxious...

    Reading my email made me feel kinda crazy, though it was definitely a reality check. Time is a big blur on these meds. (or should I say legal drugs, lol.) Just cuz I was no longer doing anything illegal does NOT make me NOT impaired when I taket them, no matter wtf stupid stories I tell myself. I know better. You reaching back out to me though DID make my day. Seriously. I feel like you reaching back out was a sign. I am 37 and a mom of 4. I can't tell you how many times I have told myself that I have to stop b/c I'm going to get into a wreck -- messed up on no sleep for days, benzos, and tons of adderall (but feeling "normal" as I convincing myself that b/c i don't feel messed up, I'm not.) There is NOTHING in the whole world more important to me than my babies. NOTHING. I am seriously sobbing right now as I type this b/c I am so grateful... I can't believe how many dangerous situations I've put us in and have gotten out with completely no actual consequences. I am done with all of that. If I go back on this after reading that article and your message it will literally be CHOOSING "meds" (drugs) over my kids. I absolutely REFUSE to let that happen. Thank you so so so much. I am so grateful. I feel like I was already sure that there was no going back, but your post put that crossroads right up in front of my face and showed me for REAL what the real deal is and what I'm choosing. NO MORE JUSTIFICATIONS! I literally will remember this for the rest of my life. Thank you so much. I literally can't stop crying (happy, resolved tears.) God, this feels like back when I was in a twelve step program 8 years ago. But that's okay and good bc I know this is real. Thank you.
  26. So anxious...

    I just saw your response pop up in my email and I had to come back to tell you, IT'S A SIGN!!! I LOVE it when my angels direct me and give me signs!! And this makes my heart so happy for you! I don't know if you believe in that stuff, but I sure do! I've read our guardian angels are always trying to communicate with us and until we make a conscious choice to start looking for the signs, we might not see them. I'm trying to think back to my last one... I can't think of any recently, but I do know the week before my car accident in which I should've died I got about 6 MAJOR signs from them that said, "SOBER UP!" Wait, I just found another one... so my friend Kelsey and I love talking about the signs and we always text each other when we get them. I just found one of our texts back from my accident. This one is horribly sad, but again it was a sign from my angels. So back this past year I got an email from change.org about this girl that died in a car accident because her car had faulty airbags. https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/leticiamiranda/a-17-year-old-girl-died-after-a-defective-air-bag-ruptured-i I normally don't pay attention to recalls on my car for some reason, but I read this email and even sent it to my mom because it was so horribly sad. THEN I got a notice that my car was recalled for the same airbags! I had a hondafit so for the first time ever I actually took it in and had them fixed. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS would I have guessed I was going to get into a car accident that same year and ALL my airbags went off. Who knows if they were bad, but all I know is my angels are with me all the time. Glad you found that journal entry!! Hope it brightened your day. You are doing this!! Stay strong!!!
  27. So anxious...

    OMG. I can't believe it but I just found my old journal (clearly taking care of all of those things on my to do list that are giving me anxiety, lol) anyway, it was literally in 2016 that I was writing about how badly I wanted to take a week off of work and get off of my meds. I can't believe it took almost 3 years to finally DO IT (and not to mention that I scheduled outpatient surgery on Monday as a way to actually make myself take the week off and have a "reason" to.) But, I am DOING IT. If that's not reason enough to stay stopped, I don't know what is. I will do it this time. I can make this way of life a thing of the past. I can and I will! And I am not doing it alone!!! So grateful for you peeps. (Others do know, but here I can just say everything.)
  28. Unexpected Triggers and Coping

    Holy fucking shit you guys, when does it get better?! I am lit always hot and sweaty and have slept through several days of work. When will it end??
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