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  1. Yesterday
  2. I wonder why the anxiety is so bad at the 5-6 month mark..? Coincidence.. or we are settling into the fact that life is a piling up in front of us and we don’t have Adderall to help us?
  3. Day 151 - Happy to be on the first day of month 6 and happy to be 2 days sober from booze. Yesterday was hell and I’m happy it’s over. My anxiety isn’t as bad today as it was yesterday. Happy Easter everyone!!
  4. Weekend warrior

    Everything started when I was 24. Was diagnosed with ADD and was given adderall. Obviously it worked great at first and had a lot of personal and professional success taking it daily. Started binging about a year in to getting my prescription. Usually around 80-100mg spread throughout a couple days (1-2 times a week). Little to no harm reduction to go along with it. Staying up all night, drink/eating nothing and grinding my teeth . This went on for about a year and a half. At that point I decided to remove myself from the situation. Let my prescription lapse, moved for work, reduced contact with friends that I would binge with. I would occasionally go back and visit a couple times a year, take a low dose, buy some for the following week. But nothing close to what I was doing before. Well, I moved back to my hometown about a year ago and started to fall back into my old habits. Although I refuse to even consider attempting to renew my prescription I have been visiting my my old friends who do binge again. I don't use at all during the week, workout hard everyday, get plenty of sleep, and tell myself that this is the week I'm finally done. Every Friday I end up taking (30-60mg throughout the evening) and end up staying up all night. Essentially sleeping 6 nights a week. It's hard to take myself seriously when I break my promise to myself weekly. Now with doing this somewhat frequently over the last decade, at 30 extremely concerned about latent accrued cardiovascular damage. I've done very light research and the results are terrifying with things such as hardened arteries. This weekend was the last straw for me, as I've realized its not even something I remotely enjoy anymore. All the euphoria has turned into guilt and anxiety. Cutting contact with my friend who enables and supplies me is the only way forward. That being said... How do you cope with worrying about possible irreversible physical damage (brain, heart, kidneys from dehydration, etc...)? I know that I will more than likely be paying for my decisions later on in life (stroke, heart attack) and the anxiety is crippling. Thanks for listening to my rant.
  5. @BK99 That 5-6 month mark is when my anxiety was at its absolute worst. Others here had similar crippling anxiety at that time. Hang in there, you’re getting close to getting a bit of relief.
  6. @BK99 congrats on making it 5 months Addy free, that’s worth celebrating! Find some help and do what you need to do to stay off of the alcohol. You’ve done it before and can do it again. Focus on the positives and move on. Progress not perfection.
  7. Last week
  8. SamJo, are those all prescription medications? I’ve never heard on them. Day 150 - 5 months clean off Adderall. One day clean off alcohol. What a f*cking loser I am. Alcohol destroys my mental and emotional state in a way that I am absolutely crippled with anxiety right now. I’m just trying to get through the day. I’m having a really hard time watching the mess pile up around me. I want to cry. I want to scream. This has been one of the worst days weeks so far, but I think that’s mainly due to the alcohol. Gotta get back on that wagon...
  9. 2 years

    Congrats Sean! We both quit around the same time so glad your doing well! I am a ton more productive these days however still fight some ups and downs and weird symptoms however life is great without this drug! I often wish I could start over and stop myself from ever have popped one of these evil pills.
  10. The crash is inevitable.. unless you can get someone to lock your pills up and give you a medium to low dose daily and you eat well, exercise, and sleep you’ll be able to prolong your situation probably long enough to get through college maybe a couple years of your career but eventually you’ll be burnt out and have to quit. When you finally quit you’ll be in a situation where you’ll rediscover your true self and this could lead to regret and resentment for the person you built on adderall and the life you have on adderall. You can ignore this and continue to use it but life long it’s not sustainable.. you’ll have to quit one day and one day you’ll realize you don’t need it to be successful. It’s just an illusion, a dream world that adderall has given you and convinced you of. You can quit it and you can work hard without it. Especially if you find something you’re passionate about. Life’s beautiful in that way that if you find something you really love you’ll have endless energy to persue it. Good luck, I wish you the best.
  11. @sleepystupid I want to thank you for your reply. I am in the middle of my week vacation and it has felt good to be off the Adderall, but I can't help but crave it constantly, I can barely keep my eyes open, let alone do work. I think I wrongly characterized myself by saying I was craving the euphoria, I think I chase the ambition that it instills and the focus it gives that enables me to accomplish what I am so determined to complete, that feeling of accomplishment is something I fear I won't be able to experience without it. With AP tests coming up I don't really know what to do. I feel kind of against a wall right now because I don't want my grades to dive bomb. I just don't know what to do at this point, I am considering just getting through the year with continued use and dropping my course load for next year. Over the summer I can deal with the lethargy and generally just getting my shit together. I think my brain is fucked up pretty bad because I have interest in literally nothing and feel numb to everything. I have tried working in very brief periods of about 15 minutes or so then taking a break but I end up taking naps instead. I guess I am now wondering what I do, should I continue and stop in the summer while holding myself accountable (in terms of relatively responsible use) via this forum, or do I stop and say fuck you to my grades and everything I have working to achieve so far? Again I want to sincerely thank you for your eye-opening reply and I hope to hear some more direction. I feel like I've made up my mind in terms of realizing that I cannot maintain this shit forever and I need to stop, but such a drastic halt seems like it has immense consequences.
  12. Finally quitting after 4 years

    while it is true that you will probably do nothing around the house for a while (which is okay), having a kid is actually going to help you through this whole thing. Adderall recovery is exponentially worse when you don't have any responsibility to FORCE you into doing stuff. love for your children will always be stronger than recovery blues, i promise (:
  13. 2 years

    I just drove the entire length of western Colorado last week north to south and back again. What an incredible state! Congratulations for the two years of your recovery.
  14. 2 years

    I go ahead and elaborate on my current state. Doing damn good. Working makin good money, going to therapy ten hours a week, working out five days a week, skiing on days off. Getting paid to play music. Still living in Colorado saving up money to go back to school in the fall. I can honestly say I would be no where near where I am had I not quit adderall. I’d prolly be dead or in a psych ward. Stay clean my friends, life has a lot to offer and it seems to fall in your lap when you do the right thing and quitting adderall is definitely the right thing.
  15. @alx1667 I had the WORST withdrawals the first 4 months like slurred my words had the worst brain fog no motivation suicidal thoughts panic attacks it was so bad. I tried anything and everything. I’m at work or else I would type out a long email. But there are about 5 or 6 vitamins that got me through plus a tiny dose of Xanax (although some may not approve of this) to get me through the panic attacks and fear of dying was a life savor for me.
  16. NAC, lions mane, Aniracetam, a SMALL amount of Xanax in the morning .25 no more. IV therapy. Magnesium. I probley spent $1000 on vitamins before I found the right combination. DM me!
  17. @BK99 I know the struggle, trust me. I was on vyvanse/adderall everyday for 7ish years and I even still slip up once every few months which sucks but trying to not slip up at all anymore. Have you tried Aniracetam or adrafinil? Sometimes I’ll sleep for 14 hours in a night and feel so lethargic and adrafinil gets me out of my brain fog and helps with my anxiety a lot. I also get IV therapy a lot (I can go into detail of what I get if you are interested) and I try and steam every morning. It really gets my heart pumping and I practice my daily breathing exercises in the steam room. I’m an actress so getting off this shit is HELL and there are days I suck so bad that I don’t even want to book a role and I don’t know what to say to my agent. But when I just believe in myself and go for it despite the brain fog and anxiety I feel I come out feeling clear minded. I’m trying to believe our brain is more powerful at healing itself than we know. But there’s also days where I’m like no, I’m not getting out of bed because I love myself and my body and am going to listen to what it needs. I also did cerebrolysin for awhile and that helped a lot. I’m 28 and still look 20 so I’m going out for really energetic young roles and I don’t want PAWS to determine my acting future but the good thing is I’m still booking. And when I feel I can’t do it I will just tell my agent I need time off. I live by myself in LA which helps a lot not being judged by roommates/my boyfriend/friends. Meditation/IV therapy/Aniracetam has saved me many of days. Just thought I’d throw that out there!! Also cerebrolysin but you have to inject yourself so not sure if you are into that. I’m here if you ever want to DM me!!
  18. I do too but I obviously didn't have a problem taking whatever drug was presented to me, so why not use some non-addictive support for an actual mental illness I've had, even before I started using. There's no reason to put myself through more pain (mental and physical self-harm) and jeopardize my job because I naturally have a difficult time functioning. But that's just me and I totally understand and hope to be off antidepressants someday too. I deeply relate to all you're going through and I'm hopeful that someday we will be past this and it'll all be just a memory that makes us stronger. I wouldn't wish adderall/drug/alcohol addiction on anyone.
  19. I took WellButrin for a month. I was getting terrible panic attacks during that time. I’m not sure if it was related, but deep down I just want to rid myself of all drugs. I’m hoping the depression subsides in the months to come...
  20. Hey BK99, have you tried any antidepressants? It sounds like you're still struggling a lot... I have 58 days clean and recently went on Wellbutrin (and Lexapro... when I got out of rehab for Adderall I was suicidal). I'm on the max dose and I have no side effects because my dopamine and norepinephrine receptors are so shot. It seems to give me SOME energy, though nothing like Adderall. I'm hoping it helps more as time goes on because I just started the new dose :/
  21. Day 147 - Happy Hump Day, everyone! I will be hitting the 5 month mark this Saturday. I’d like to say I’m at the butterflies and unicorns stage, but I feel the same now as I did in month 2. I could barely complete a 2 hour drive yesterday without falling asleep at the wheel. It’s so discouraging. Family is starting to “worry” about me because I’m noticeably exhausted all the time, which is sort of nice that my struggle is finally being noticed. Only my husband and one other person know that I quit amphetamines 5 months ago and this is why I feel this way. I’m just hoping things change when I hit the year mark. I hope I don’t feel like I do now...
  22. Finally quitting after 4 years

    There’s good news: You were only on Adderall for 4 years, so you may have a quicker time adjusting to life without it than I am. I was on it for over a decade and I’m almost 5 months clean. It stinks, but taking 100mg of Adderall a day was completely destroying me - and killing me. Good for you for taking action now!
  23. Finally quitting after 4 years

    Crazy how many similarities there are in your story to mine. I’m the same age, started the same year, I also hovered around the 100-200mg a day, and felt the same emptiness you talk about. That emptiness, no matter how many mgs, killed me every time. Difference is, I’m now about 8 months off adderall and I couldn’t recommend it more. So many aspects of my life that I thought were because of adderall, we’re enhanced because I chose to get off it. Sure, there are aspects I’m working on, and struggling with, but so is every other 23 year old. We’re all going at our own pace. You can do this! It’s tough to adjust but, fuck, once you do, you’ll wanna kick yourself for actively spending 4 years miserable for nothing. Feel free to reach out if you need. Good luck
  24. Finally quitting after 4 years

    So proud of you! This will likely be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but you CAN do it. Take one day at a time. You will not be worthless forever. You will be much better off. Working a program and finding support like NA or AA really helped me. I’m 90 days sober and my life has already become insurmountably better. Hang in there!!!
  25. I apologize in advance because I already know this will probably be all over the place. I'm currently coming down and overall I'm just beyond exhausted- mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'm currently 23 years old and have been taking adderall since 2014. Literally every single day since the first day I tried it. Okay, well, there are TWO days I can remember where I didn't take it in these past 4 years- and they were HELL. I couldn't keep my eyes open or make it out of bed and I was miserable. Before taking adderall, I was already suffering from depression and chronic fatigue so adderall truly was the answer to all of my problems. I have never worked a job without being on adderall, or raised my child without being on adderall. I've used it throughout my whole adult life- and now I am TERRIFIED to come off of it. But I know it needs to be done. I'm to the point where I'm taking 100-200mg per day. Just to get through the day. It doesn't make me happy like it used to, it doesn't make me socialable like it used to- it actually has over time made me quite the opposite. My moods are all over the fucking place. I have energy and motivation most of the time but I just feel..empty. Unless I'm raging with anger because someone "interrupted" me while I was focused on some bullshit task that my tweaking self couldn't look away from. It used to make me want to DO things and talk to people, now I just play games on my computer all day or clean the most random, stupid shit. It wakes me up enough to go to work but I know once I stop, I have to quit my job. So I put a notice in today. This is the first time I haven't been working in 4 years. I'm so scared. I have amazing family and a boyfriend that are supportive but I also have a 6 year old son I'm raising and I'm literally terrified that once I stop I won't even be able to get out of bed to take him to school in the morning, or do ANYTHING around the house. Once I stop working in a couple weeks I am going to my doctor with my mom and telling her about my problem so she can refer me to some sort of out patient program to get on a tapering schedule. I'm nervous to do that, I feel bad I've been lying to my doctor for so long about taking my prescription responsibly let alone also buying so much extra from friends every month. I'm scared I won't ever be able to get a job again; I was already SO tired and SO unmotivated and SO shy and anxious before I ever started adderall, I can't imagine "adulting" AT ALL without it. What if I'm just worthless forever? I'm so scared. But I know I need to do this. Any sort of advice or encouragement would be so appreciated.
  26. Day 145 - Energy is so damn low today. My mood isn’t terrible. My Adderall cravings were off the charts this morning.
  27. A Call For Help: I'm Crippled by this Addiction

    hi @Slim33 first of all, you did the right thing by coming here and sharing your story. as you can probably tell, it is not unlike many of our's. i'm sorry to say that you have crossed a line with amphetamine wherein you will never receive the same magical effects again. here's the thing though - Adderall is not supposed to feel magical for those who "truly" need it. most people mistake the euphoria for the improved focus and attention the drug is meant to deliver. this is why the most dangerous association to make is, "the drugs are working, i MUST have ADHD!" now, i'm not saying you don't have ADD. you very well could have had difficulty concentrating before all these pills. that's a question only you can answer. regardless, the problem now is that you have abused the medication past a point of no return. if you think your abuse is bad now having to sneak around your parents, just imagine once you go to school and there is no supervision. let me tell you what's going to happen if you continue: you may Adderall your way into a prestigious school, then realize the workload is even MORE than high school (it is). now there's NO WAY you can quit Adderall because you have this awesome opportunity and don't want to ruin your life. you'll increase the dose, lose sleep, perhaps start drinking heavily to offset it, and ruin your life anyway. even if you somehow manage to get through college, you'll Adderall yourself into a job that you don't want to fuck up, etc. etc. until you're ten years deep and you don't even know who you are off of Adderall anymore. there will never be a perfect time to quit. the perfect time to quit is actually now, before you ship off to college. do it now while you have the support of your family. trust me when i say that going to a prestigious school means nothing a few years into your career. what will matter is your passion and work ethic, things that Adderall will rob from you. please keep us posted - you're too young to fuck your life up so soon.
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