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  1. Today
  2. Another relapse...

    My last relapse Was on August the 18th, and I made a post to remind myself how terrible I felt in that moment and why I would never do that again. Well that didn't work. I feel as an addict I have a very easy ability to forget those terrible times, no matter how gut-wrenching and depressing they were. I felt the effects of my last relapse for a couple weeks, until I guess my brain chemistry leveled out and I began to feel good and normal again. I went to the lake this past weekend with my friends, and told myself I was ONLY going to drink alcohol, and maybe smoke a little bit of weed. Well as someone said in my last post, (I believe it was sleepystupid) that's like playing Jekyll and Hyde because after a couple drinks I lost my self control. I ended up taking 40mg adderall and blacking out on alcohol the first night. The second night I went all out and took 60mg adderall, 0.3g molly, 3-4 lines of coke, 10+ lines of ketamine, and easily 20+ drinks throughout the night on top of ~400mg caffeine. I have a feeling I'm easily getting into overdose territory with this kind of consumption, and I know this in the moment of taking everything, but I literally just don't care. It's not that I want to die, but I chase any type of high so emphatically especially when on adderall and alcohol. I have blood pressure problems from my previous adderall abuse on top of everything. I shouldn't feel entitled to a crazy night after a month or two of hard work with my job and school, but I somehow justify it. I guess I'm making this post because I'm curious as to what type of "self-talk" you all say to yourself to not consume adderall or anything else, especially when you've been feeling good and "normal" for awhile. Have any of you every developed the ability to consume alcohol in moderation after having a problem with it? I would love to be able to drink with my friends, and call it a night after 6-8 and still be able to go on fun trips with them out of town, to the lake, etc. But I guess I wont be able to do that for very long if I end up dead. I was able to break my adderall addiction from where I was taking 40-60mg every single day for over a year, but now I'm on a different type of drug abuse with my binge shit I do, which is probably more dangerous. I just know deep down something has to change, or something terrible is going to happen. What was your alls final breaking point to where you were like this is fucking enough? I need a reality check.
  3. Yesterday
  4. 18 months clean. Hang in there, it’s worth it

    Hi @Socially awkward, thanks for checking in with us. It is great to hear your success story. Can you share a little bit about how you feel at 18 months clean? I’m about 15 months and I’m still struggling with motivation and anhedonia. Also, are you taking any other type of medication like an antidepressant to help you, or do you feel like you’re back to normal now?
  5. Last week
  6. 18 months clean. Hang in there, it’s worth it

    Wow, thank you so much for this inspiring post. Was much needed!!
  7. It’s been awhile since I checked in now. I never thought I could make it this far. About 2 yrs ago I used to frequent this forum on a daily basis reading other people’s recovery stories and each time I tried I would fail and didn’t think I would ever be able to get clean or function without my pills. I just want to say that the road to recovery isn’t easy but I can honestly say the day will come where you will no longer think about using and your life would have done a complete 180. I now have a circle of friends and can be myself around others without anxiety and awkwardness. I have also stopped spending on drugs and alcohol and I’m about to buy my first house. If you’d asked me 2 yrs ago where I thought I’d be today honestly I think I would be dead had I not stopped using. Also I have my relationship back with my family and I can be here for others and not only myself. i hope that someone who is in the early stages of quitting or thinking about quitting will read this and know that they are not alone and that it won’t be easy but the fight will be worth it in the end. My thoughts go out to all of you who have come to browse for the first time like I once did or have taken the courage to reach out and tell your story. Took me awhile to work up the courage, I am proud of you and heart goes out to you all. Please keep trying even if you fail the first 50 billion times as I did. You are worth it and you are a much loved, valued member of society and we need you. Xxx
  8. Alcohol

    Hey, thanks for jumping in. Your symtoms sound familiar. It sounds like depression and anxiety. You should talk to a doctor about it. What if you find something that helps your quality of life? Getting some treatment for the problem makes sense. I just read somewhere that diagnoses for general anxiety disorder and depression have tripled over the last year. So not only are we fighting the battle of recovery, but we have to deal with the stress of 2020 as well.
  9. Alcohol

    I’m with the both of you and we all seem to be around the same time off Adderall. My anhedonia is still kicking my ass. I have much more energy but no drive, focus or motivation to use it. I am in a kind of life limbo. Apathetic and blah. I’m also still struggling with executive functioning. I’m so close to reaching out for medical help because this process has been grueling and my wife and family are tired of seeing me suffer. These waves are so rough and the windows are few. Small amounts of stress send me back down into another wave. CNS damage is no joke my friends. I withdrew from the SSRI Effexor for 2 years prior to beginning my Adderall journey and I have been suffering for 3 years and 6 months in total and I just want all of this hardship and pain to be worth something. It has to work. I couldn’t bear if it was all for nothing. Time is the most valuable thing on earth. Year one was incredibly difficult on every measurable level. Year two has its own unique set of challenges that still make this process very challenging. I’m at 16 months off Adderall and I’m really considering that I might have an underlying generalized anxiety disorder and it is making my life hell. Adderall gave me confidence and the ability to believe I could tackle anything in front of me with focus and drive. I’m now a very different person. I can’t feel pleasure or laugh. I don’t even watch TV or play video games anymore. NOTHING grabs my attention or motivates me to take action. It’s like I’m a damaged animal trying to hide and recover. My anxiety is still paralyzing most days. I fake being normal to those around me but inside I am in some strange warped reality of emptiness. I’m hoping things continue improving. I pray for all of us in this process. We are very strong to preserve through this hell. I’m horrible at writing and my thoughts are so scattered but I wanted to jump in and be a part of this conversation.
  10. Hey, quitting speed is the hardest thing I have ever had to do aside from making the decision to put my dog down. Listen, it is a difficult addiction. I am an addict and there is no addiction where the craving is so fucking intense. I have never craved alcohol or cigs or gambling or anything like I do the adderall aka meth. I know I'm struggling right now, but if you keep it up and get some time that desire to use will go away. I remember I was sober from it for about 1 1/2 years and my friend came over and had some vyvanse, I didn't even think about it. Later on that day I actually couldn't believe that I didn't ask her for one..that is how little it mattered to me. It is possible. In my circumstance, I just have so much shit weighing heavy on me right now due to the using over the past year that it is very hard to see the bright side...I will eventually..but I'm in a pretty dark spot right now mentally. You will do it, you can do it!
  11. honestly, i didn't feel much of anything when i came off Wellbutrin. maybe tired for a couple of days, but no withdrawal so to speak. i was taking ~150mg a day, which is a bit lower than the normal adult dosage usually. i think finding the right dosage is key with Wellbutrin, because too much and it can make you feel anxious and jittery. i was on Wellbutrin on and off for about 4 years i believe. being on it is nothing like Adderall - it doesn't "kick in" like a rush of energy. similarly, there was no "come down" or crash to it (in my experience). it's more of a subtle lift that takes a week or two to build up, after that its more of a silent helper. hope this helps! (:
  12. Alcohol

    Jenny, I am glad you asked. We really are on the same wave. Im just out ahead of you by a bit. My wife would routinely mention I need to try anti-depressants. She has had family members and known friends who really do well on them. I was against it for the same reasons you are. I figured its just part of my recovery from long term adderall use. I have to go through it. I will go through it. etc. But starting the first of September, for whatever reason, I noticed my fatigue, anhedonia, and motivation were worse than August. OK so my recovery is not linear. I get it. But I wondered if my wife was right. I started researching Disthymia and depression and began thinking, I might be cutting myself short unnecessarily. What if I do respond well to Wellbutrin? What if I am foolishly giving up quality of life when I could get help for depression? So I went for it and so far my wife was right. Its nothing like adderall. Its subtle and effective. In fact, I learned after the fact, that this drug is sometimes used to treat add. Its only been 12 days, and its supposed take 30 days to get the full results, but I am delighted so far. I noticed I laugh more, and I feel kind of normal. I dont notice any significant side effects. I feel like I can start making plans again. Its giving me more confidence to meet and see poeple. More motivation for sure. That little adjustment is helping me exercise more, and the more I exercise, the better I feel. I plan to take it for another 9 months or until I hit the two year mark on my sobriety. I read some threads on here from a gal name Cassidy? She wonderfully explained her journey and it was encouraging to see how she had used wellbutrin effectively.
  13. Well, I ruined that 2.5 months by going back on adderall for four months. Ugh. I am just now getting back on the horse. Right now I am five days sober. But, thanks.
  14. Embarassing Job Interviews On Adderall

    Oh, man. I had a skills' test I had to take for a job I was applying to. Instead of going to bed at a decent hour, I decided to stay up all night researching Excel and binging vyvanse. I showed up for the skill's test cracked out of my mind. What was supposed to take an hour turned into 7.5 hours!! Lol. I didn't even finish it. So embarrassing. I ended up working in a different department at the same company, and I did embarrassing stuff there, too, like being an hour late multiple times.
  15. Hey purplepen! I wish I could say I have relapsed as many times as you. I guess I have relapsed two times? One time officially. I am on my fifth day clean right now. Before I relapsed, I went a little over 2.5 months without taking stims. At least you have energy and feel great after quitting. The 2.5 months I was clean, I did not feel great. Maybe try setting small goals? Like, go a few days and then increase it to a week, etc.
  16. Hi guys, I posted the other day and am going to keep coming on this site for support. I really want others to talk to me lol because I feel like I need that support right now as I have failed SO many times. I am a chronic relapser. Basically my psych was extremely hesitant to get me back on the vyvanse a month ago because I had broke down to her telling her I don't ever want it prescribed again and the devastation it causes me...a month later I talked her into it..I truly thought I could handle it (HAHA) anyway...she was on the fence about it for a couple of weeks and I could tell she was really uncomfortable but of course, master manipulator here...anyway she agreed to give me weekly prescriptions which I thought was a good idea...I would usually take the whole thing in 3 days...well this week I basically regressed to the absolute worst self destructive behavior while on it (gambling) I gambled almost 3K in 3 days. ITS SO AWFUL. Anyway, I emailed her yesterday and i told her what had happened and told her I need to be off of it and I do know that after this incident she will not prescribe to me anymore. 100%. I feel like shit today...I typically feel fine the day after having used it but today I just feel like shit...I think its the lack of sleep, lack of motivation, and lack of exercise (I exercise and take care of myself really well when I don't use that shit, I also don't gamble at all or smoke cigs)....I think just the overwhelming amount of debt and chaos that I have caused and the realization of the harm that I can do in such a short time is really overwhelming and terrifying at the moment. I just feel depressed. I am not a depressed person. I am going to take a nap and hopefully feel better and just start over...but thats the so scared I'm going to fail. I have failed so many times and I am so scared to start over because of that exact reason. I have no hope in myself..I don't always feel this way but just the simple fact that I have failed SO many times has me feeling this way at the moment. I really need some support u guys...I can't go to meetings b/c no one in my town wears masks and right now our COVID rates are out of control without any state measures (SO RIDICULOUS). What has helped you get your mind right and commit to your decision? When I don't take the stimulants, I wake up at 5 and go to the gym for a couple of hours and feel amazing, I listen to morning affirmations and just try to do the right thing and take care of myself...I typically feel good and positive and capable...but all it takes is one craving and I cave instantly. So I know I am strong when I am doing the right thing but I need to know how to not give into the craving. This year has been awful for me. I have lost a lot of respect for myself and just kind of adapted a "fuck it" attitude. I am sure many people feel this way because of the circumstances of 2020...but I just want to feel strong and resist the cravings without feeling like I am not capable of doing anything without the pills. I prove to myself everyday that I am more than capable for the addict in me has a strong opinion. Thank you so much for reading
  17. Hi @SleepyStupid, Could you share some details about how you felt when you quit Wellbutrin? I’m about 15 months off of Adderall but struggling with motivation, drive and intense anhedonia. I’m really considering giving Wellbutrin a try but I’m terrified that I’ll have to go through another 2+ years of recovery once I decide to quit. Can you share how long were you on it for? Thanks!
  18. Alcohol

    Hi @speedracer, I’m a week away from 15 months. I’m much better overall than in the first year but I still have a very hard time with motivation and drive to do things and my anhedonia is pretty intense. I’ve considered Wellbutrin but I’m terrified to get in the same cycle as I was on Adderall. Not to mention not being able to get the anhedonia fixed naturally for good. Can you share a little bit more about your experience on Wellbutrin? Does it feel like Adderall? Do you get bad come downs? How does it make you feel? How long are you planning on taking it? Sorry for the million questions THANK YOU!
  19. I tried Modafanil to have something when I quit vyvanse a few months ago..did absolutely nothing or made me super tense and like i wanted to crawl out of my body..just not a good feeling AT ALL. it didn't even keep me awake. I would yawn hours after taking it and had no issues sleeping. For me, wellbutrin is the only thing that helps with a little bit of kratom. Kratom really helps me with my mood and i feel more positive. I don't take a lot because I did once accidentally (powder form) and I puked for like five was NOT fun. I only take 3 capsules in the morning and thats it. I tried different brands and I finally found the one I like the most...some others gave me weird side effects like arms falling asleep every time I laid down - i couldn't sleep for hours b/c my arms would fall asleep every 5 min. That is my combo of meds that has worked best for me. everyone is different..I don't drink or anything else. Hope this helps!
  20. Alcohol

    Me too. I quit the beers and Addy at the same time. Total sobriety. Its been 15 months. I crave a beer more than anything after a long day at work like right now, or socializing. Very few addy cravings ever. Its been 15 months. I set a goal of 1 year on everything, and then i was plannign to back to beer socially with friends. After I hit the 1 year, I decided to keep it going. I dont want to take any chances. I just started on Wellbutrin for depression and it really is helping me turn the corner on fatigue and depression. I am performing better at work and doing better with friends and family. I guess after 20 years of use, the pendulem swung hard the other way...
  21. Hi, I am literally in tears after reading your post. I am so sorry that you are going thru this. I truly am because I know the pain the love the hate the struggle the insanity. It is so hard to see the light when you are so deep down and feeling that nothing will be ok...I can't take that away from you. I can't tell you right now that things will be ok or that you are ok because that is NOT your reality. In your life right now you do not see hope. As an outsider looking in on your situation, I do see hope. I don't think you would be on this site if you didn't feel a little bit of hope for yourself. I know its scary, especially when you feel like you have completely changed as a person and that life will never be the same. I don't want to give you advice because I struggle too but when I was at my absolute worst about 8 years ago, I had nothing in my point of view to live for. I was simply existing and making terrible decisions day in and day out..just waiting to disappear. I didn't want to take my life away, like you I love life, I enjoy it, I love my family..but I just felt so hollow and truly like I didn't matter at all. The only thing that saved me was going into treatment. I beg you to give treatment a chance. your situation sounds extremely concerning and I am deeply worried about you. You are very VERY VERY young and the amount you are taking is considered lethal. Please get help. Please don't ever feel like getting help will make you look bad or hurt your family or whatever you might be thinking. Trust me, as a parent myself, I would want my child to ask me for help no matter what because the other option is death. I don't know how your relationship is with your family, but even if you don't have one with them, go somewhere, talk to someone, get into an inpatient treatment. Being in inpatient will help you go thru the detox safely. It will make coming off safe and manageable. You can detox and get on some antidepressants or something to help with the imbalance- wellbutrin is wonderful for people like us, it helps a lot. It sounds like you have a good circle of friends that do not support your using, they will be waiting for you when you get out of treatment. Then go to meetings do whatever you got to do to never look back. You can make it thru this. I hope nothing I said was to aggressive but I sincerely am so concerned about you. You deserve to have a life, a great life...your life is just now can do SO much. Please keep in touch.
  22. Quit quitting

    EMDR therapy is great. So far, I have been using all of my sessions as just talk therapy for now. Because in order to start the de-sensitization process of it where you actually access the trauma, you need to be able to stay in the present moment. My therapist gives me a dissociation quiz every few weeks to see if I am able to stay present while we access the trauma together but so far I am still engaging in high levels of dissociation, so once my new meds start to kick in, and hopefully incorporating mindfulness more, I will be ready to start the actual EMDR process very shortly. However, the talk therapy we do is great- she's really helping me to access some great understanding as to why I feel the way I do and that I am not abnormal, I am just in a state where my body and mind are feeling emotionally unsafe and I am actively reacting to trauma on a daily basis from various triggers. My aunt had done EMDR and she was BLOWN AWAY at how effective it was. It can be challenging to revisit old trauma but you feel so free after the thoughts surrounding the trauma have been desensitized. Mind you, the sessions are not cheap at all lol but I believe it's totally worth my money. I will keep you posted with my progress!
  23. Need support

    Hey, I am so curious to talk to you about this. I feel like I have dug myself into a really bad financial hole..I mean its awful. I have taken out so much on private school loans to pay for my gambling debt and the check comes in and Its just enough to cover my debt and then what do I do with the rest? I gamble it away. its just SO FUCKING AWFUL. How did you finally face the facts and put yourself in a reality check? For me, I think that when i am sober from the stimulants which is usually 3 or 4 days out of the week, I have the cloud of debt hanging over my head and I start making plans on how I will honestly earn and pay it back and it will be ok and whatnot and then I get on the pills again and its like 1K down the shithole in a day. But on the days that I am not on it, I don't gamble but the stress and panic of the gambling debt makes me so anxious and panicky that I just want to take the pill or take something so that I don't think about that I avoid it. And I just need some advice on how to face the facts. Treatment is not an option for me right now. I do believe that going to treatment would probably be the best thing but I have already been twice to an inpatient and I already know the things I need to do I just have to be strong to do it. I hate how much doubt these meds inflict in me. They make me doubt EVERYTHING. They bring out the most negative thoughts and most negative emotions and truly it is like the devil in a pill b/c it makes you believe you can't do anything without it. Such a mind f*ck. Thanks for any and all advice!
  24. Need support

    I agree with exactly what you had said- i took keep thinking if I can just handle the gambling i can take the vyanvase like i can do it i can do this i don't need to gamble but it is inevitable. It is such a dopamine rush and I too get into porn and shit when I'm on it. I also smoke a pack a day and just anything to feed the dopamine but nothing productive at all...I mean at some point it just exhausts its function and thats where I am at with it. The hardest part for me is that deep down I have never really been happy- this is something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember, I am not depressed, I am just not impressed with life...and I am getting help with that with therapy but the stimulants obviously offer me joy...its synthetic happiness and it feels amazing for a short little while but when I don't have it or use it, its always in the back of my mind cuz its like oh thats the one thing thats truly made me happy- which is bullshit because lets be real...You are right about the like getting high part its clear and simple. To be honest, sometimes I just want to take the adder all JUST so i can smoke!!!! It makes cigs taste so amazing and it makes me feel So good.....but when I don't take the addy or vyvanse I won't touch a cigarette. It's just so ridiculous how easy it is to want to just fuck my life up..and for me its not about putting in the work that makes quitting hard because I have a TON going on right now. I still manage to get a 4.0 in school, be a mom, work part time, and go to the gym everyday. OH BTW I never go to the gym when I take the stimulants, EVER. So it's like I do all these things that are so positive when I don't take it and they should make me feel happy but the little fucking pill holds a higher value than any of the other things. I am trying to build the courage to just email my psych once and for all and tell her that I can't do it anymore. I actually did last week after she gave me a chance by doing the weekly scripts cuz she is so hesitant and then I talked myself and her back into giving me another come on. It just keeps getting harder and harder to quit the more I prolong it. Ok sorry for the rant.
  25. Need support

    @purplepen I gambled away $40k+ on online sports books in my addiction from 22-25 y.o., I think it’s a pretty common problem. I would research my bets all day, place them around 4pm and then lay in my walk in closet smoking weed in the evenings while I watched my bets play out. I considered killing myself once the debt buried me. I filed for bankruptcy while unemployed with $75k in CC debt last year and am in the process of rebuilding my credit. I am so so much more responsible with money than I ever was before and on Addy, there is hope on the other side. It’s hard to get sober and face the consequences, but you need to do it to find freedom.
  26. Need support

    welcome back @purplepen! your issues with gambling are not uncommon. i think it's fair to say that stimulant addiction can easily lead to other hedonistic addictions, it's basically a constant dopamine chase. my debilitating "side" addiction was porn - at times it seemed to eclipse the Adderall addiction itself! i often thought back then "if i could manage the porn addiction, then maybe i can be productive on Adderall again." nope! just like you, my side addiction simply vanished when i stopped using. i knew deep down they were linked, but my addict brain made every rationalization to separate them - JUST MAYBE i could go back to using Adderall like everyone else... nope! it was the exact same thing when i relapsed around the 2 year mark - immediately the porn addiction returned. if you already feel great when you're off the pills, then half your battle is already done! so why do we still sabotage ourselves?: cause we like getting high. you'll never find a better reason than that unfortunately - but accepting this truth helps put the problem into context. keep us posted on your progress! (:
  27. Relapse in sight

    ooo i remember those! we have some forum software updates we're looking into, but i'll see if signatures is something we can bring back (:
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