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  1. Today
  2. Yesterday
  3. One Word Status Update

    committed? COMMITTED!
  4. Too chilling not to share

    this is probably how I looked to other people towards the end of my addiction - no one wonder strangers would ask me whether I was okay! Adderall was my precioussssss
  5. A lapse in time

    Hey Sweetupbaby! I appreciate your honesty. I remember when you wrote about your plan to work full time and I remember thinking, "oh no" I couldnt do it. I tried so many times but when the chips were down and I needed to perform at work, I went back to the adderall. I never felt like I had a choice. I finally quit for good (at least I have 17 months) because this last time, I prepared myself for 100% total disability for at least 30 days...like a self imposed rehab program...and then limit my work to part time from there. I had to build that into my recovery plan. I had been trying to quit for 10 years and work always took me out. I have a stressful occupation, so if you can find easy work, thats different. IMHO, we all need to prepare for 3 months of total disability and then another 9 months of partial disability with part time work. On top of all that, we now have the insane challenges of 2020. We need to manage our stress levels. Meetings are great. Finding a sponsor would be awesome. I pray God gives you the time and space to heal and find balance before getting back into the thick of your career.
  6. Last week
  7. A lapse in time

    Thank you so much. Please do pray for me. I pray to God day and night to deliver me from these demons. I will continue to rely on Him to get me through this. Thank you for your kind words.
  8. A lapse in time

    I am trying to find an outpatient program to help me. I have been looking for online NA meetings and a sponsor but cannot find what I am looking for. It's really stressful being back in this situation. I feel like I am again trapped in hell and wish I never picked up Adderall again. But you will hear of my success story soon enough and I know this is just a bump in the road. I have faith even though things look bleak.
  9. A lapse in time

    @sweetupbaaby don't loose hope and as long as you keep trying and learn from your mistakes you will be fine. Also don't forget about God. At the end of the day, he is the only one that will help you get through these tough times. I will be praying for your recovery!
  10. When will I feel again?

    Hello, What can I help you with?
  11. When will I feel again?

    Where is admin? I'ts important. Thanks.
  12. Pen Pal or Advice Please :/

    yes! that is certainly the point of this place (: nothing odd about this at all. I remember periods during my abuse (while on Adderall), where I couldn't suppress my tears. it felt like a version of me trapped inside the addict, and the only way that person could communicate was through tears. it wasn't until I ran out at the end of the month and crashed for a few days that I actually knew why I was crying. and of course once I filled my script, all that understanding would vanish. it was such a vicious cycle.
  13. Imagine if Frodo never let go of the ring. (Well I think he tried to keep it but still that's not the point).
  14. Earlier
  15. Pen Pal or Advice Please :/

    Hi Ruby!! First of all, that's incredible!!! I am so proud of you having been off this since August?! That's so good. I tried to "stop" a month ago and it was three days and I was happy with myself but then I got right back to taking it. I have been on 70+ mgs (depending on each day I guess) for almost a decade !! I have been feeling horrific for months and need to stop taking this drug. I can't physically laugh when I am medicated, but the three days I was off I cried and sobbed for hours, (I cry every morning these days also, oddly?). But, all I can say is maybe if we continue to come onto these boards and share and talk with each other, maybe that will help us... You are doing so well, so much further along than I am. I am really thinking that I need to get on here more, even if it's just one little reply like I'm doing now to talk with you. I wish I had more advice but I am sort of just here tonight deciding that I am going to keep coming back on here to hopefully meet you and others so we can help each other feel better. Sending my love and a huge hug!!!
  16. Explaining to family

    hi @tjzen Adderall is thought of more frequently as a "medication" than as a "drug". this is kind of a double edged sword because it can mask the seriousness of a dependency or addiction, but on the flip side it may help you explain changes in your behavior to your family (without it sounding suspicious). I'm not sure how much they already know about your usage, but you could simply explain that you're trying some different treatment options with your doctor - it's not a lie, and should afford you the much needed support of your family. it can be scary, but don't be afraid to ask for help! family is family - rely on them for a while so that they can rely on you once again (:
  17. Explaining to family

    I am the oldest of 7 children and my family tends to rely heavily on me. When trying to quit I feel so tired and out of it and doesn't seem to go away.... How can I explain to my family and close circle why I go from being a fit, confident woman into a bedridden, unmotivated, depressed individual? How can a pill have such a big effect on life?
  18. Happy 17th month!!! What an insane accomplishment. So encouraging to hear that the changes keep coming month over month and you’re feeling so at peace now. I definitely want and need to stay more active here too, it brings a sense of community and understanding that no one in my life can relate to. And if month 9 happens to be harder, at least I can come here to talk about it!
  19. When will I feel again?

    hang in there @tjzen ! the first couple of weeks will be brutal, but that acute anxiety will subside. you're still in for quite a ride after that, but just focus on one day at a time right now until you feel a bit more leveled out. when you feel ready, I encourage you to share your full story and we can help you plan out the next phases of your recovery. (:
  20. When will I feel again?

    I have been on Adderall for 5 years and tried to quit multiple times but can't seem to kick it permanently. I haven't had one in about 10 days. Side effects include; vivid nightmares, a feeling like pulling my hair and scream and have mostly been in bed with the exception of walks with my puppy. The level of anxiety is so real its like trying to drive on the highway with low visibility. Can't really remember what happiness feels like and maybe if I can quit my serotonin levels will level out or something.
  21. Zoom Meetup

    Hello from Canada, love the sound of this
  22. A lapse in time

    I think it's natural (even expected) to have cravings and temptations. IMO, there's no amount of mental resolve or will power that will eliminate these feelings, but if you simply don't have access to pills when these temptations occur, then problem solved! glad to hear that your back on a taper schedule - do you have any precautions in place to make sure you don't overuse? perhaps a family member or roommate that can dispense for you? you're at a very critical juncture right now, and it wouldn't hurt to be extra cautious. welcome back (:
  23. @quit-once and @SleepyStupid Thank you for your words of wisdom. I want to be done, it’s just crazy the grips these pills have on a rational mind. Makes me feel crazy for continuing to do this to myself. Alas, I’ve cut off my supplier and am giving it my all. Thank you again for the motivation.
  24. A lapse in time

    Hey all. I haven't been to the forums in a while and it's because I have been embarrassed of where my mental health has been. I went through a period of time where the new medication I was prescribed (Cipralex) led me to have severe fatigue and depression. I had been keeping a bottle of unused 20mg Adderall pills in my closet. About a month's worth of 80mg a day. Long story short, this led me down a very dark path for the last two months. I started to justify using only 20mg a day to give me a boost at work and to improve my mood. And this is exactly why an addict cannot go back to using at any costs, even for a short term period, or every once in a while. After a few weeks, the 20mg had plateaued and I had forgotten I had only been using it to keep my baseline energy level at work, and not for the high. However, I am an addict, and that did not fly. I started to justify taking 20mg in the morning and then 20mg in the afternoon to give me the energy to get chores done at home too. Because if I were taking it for the energy boost at work, then I would need the same energy for home activities...right...? A month and a half later I was back to using 80mg-120mg daily along with 20mg of Cipralex, 150mg of Wellbutrin and 1mg of clonazepam daily (abusing this as well, then going days without any) I guess I had forgotten I had a benzo addiction in the past. I had quit smoking for 6 months and was proud of my success- I found myself now back to smoking a pack a day (because nicotine is life on stimulants). I have wanted to come on here to talk to you guys but I have been ashamed of my regress. I am finally back. I have had enough. That bottle of amphetamine salts emptied itself faster than it would in my initial addiction back in January of this year. It grabs a hold of you and makes you it's bitch. It will make you justify using at any cost. The shame I feel is immense, but I have a newfound hope as well. I truly believe things are different this time. I watched myself spiral so fast, and that scared the hell out of me. To see how quickly this drug could grab ahold of my life again. I had that 80mg a day prescription leftover from my doctor who retired, so there is no way I can get my hands back on that amount of Adderall unless I had the nerve to seriously doctor shop. My doctor has upped my Wellbutrin dose to 300mg which will help with smoking cessation and coming off the amount of Adderall I currently take which is 20mg a day. I hope to taper down to 0mg within a month or two. I am still hesitant about that, but I think I have had a real shift in perspective in the past few months. I am powerless to my DOC. It takes over my life. I thought I was strong enough to control my use. I also have a new quit date for smoking for this Thursday. Let this be a warning to users who feel like it's okay to go back to occasional use. You will regret it. I feel like a lot of my progress has been undone. But I will never quit trying to get sober from this Demon drug. Experts say relapse starts in the mind long before the physical relapse happens. When you find yourself starting to justify using in your head- nip it in the bud. It will manifest into physical use if you do not seek help.
  25. Great report Brit. Thanks for checking in. Ironically, month 8 was easier for me than month 9. Its so non-linear. I want to encourage you to keep going. I am about to hit 17 months in 2 days. I am twice as good as I was at 8 months. The progress is real. I am sure I was masking some underlying depression too. I went through some tough losses and battles which took their toll and I think I was able to push through it all kind of numbed up on the go go juice. Crazy how normal and peaceful my life is today compared to 10 years ago. Thank you Lord.
  26. It's been a while since I've posted an update and now feels like a good time as things have started changing again and seeing a few more stages of growth. I am heading into 8 months off of adderall and things have been good and things have been bad at the same time. I have mostly closed myself off from all human contact these last few months as I got sick of feeling so different than I did before and that nagging feeling to take a pill to feel normal grew stronger. The good: I am still feeling things! Waking up is far easier than ever before The way I think and work hasn't changed (just my speed and quickness) -- but my brain still works!! I am getting my life back... little by little (emphasis on the little) The bad: I still have depression (through Therapy discovering this has likely been lifelong) I feel purposeless and have 0 drive to take care of myself and my responsibilities, outside of my dog I literally do nothing outside of work and watch TV. Life is boring... but I also recognize it is nearly winter and a pandemic. Overall, I think my adderall usage the past 10 years was a way for me to continue living and building a life, while living, yet glossing over my depression and low self-worth. Now that this crutch is gone, it all has come crashing down and my binge eating is nearly out of control now too. Thankfully I started therapy about two months ago, and all of the things I tried to ignore or numb out, I can no longer. While this shit is so hard, I am still thankful everyday that I am still living this journey and beginning a new way of living like I never have before. A life that means something and isn't full of random tasks and activities. I've had to relearn my relationships with my friends and now my family, and I'd be lying if I said this didn't totally suck. But I am grateful for this opportunity to change and grow closer to people who mean a lot to me, rather than just always being go go go and moving on the next thing. Hope everyone is doing well!!
  27. @NurseAddy, @sage I was 48 when I quit, almost a decade ago, after nine years of Abuse. It took me six months of planning and preparation but I wanted to get it right the first time that I sincerely tried quitting. I was ready to enter addiction treatment if I failed. The older we get, the more painful it becomes to continue abusing this nasty drug, It's really hard on your body at abusive dosages. An addiction to speed is like a mortgage on your future.
  28. @NurseAddy @sage Fear is a very powerful motivator. you need to be scared for yourself, scared for your family, scared that you're literally chopping away years of your life. especially for those of us who ABUSE with a capital A, it's bad enough to see the damage that's visible - imagine what's happening that you can't see! doom and gloom aside, it's great that you're both still here and keeping this on your mind. as @quit-once says - you NEED a plan. work with your families, doctors, employers, anyone who can help you set up the right support structures to escape from this cycle of abuse. and of course keep us posted (:
  29. @sage What is your plan for quitting? 15 years is a long time on this drug, especially at abusive dosages.
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