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  1. Yesterday
  2. Thank you. Always good to know I'm not alone. It's curious what is doable and what isn't. Surprisingly, my sessions with clients have been going well, and thankfully, I'm really really carefully considering how many peeps I schedule for myself in a day and week right now, so I don't over-do it. It's also curious how my body feels good - for example, I walked to work and back for lunch and I was running most of the way because I just wanted to and it was great. It's like the body is doing well, but the brain and eyes are gloppy and fuzzy. The other thing I'm finding helpful is that if I can make it to around 3:00, I know I won't use no matter how ka-ka-poo-ey I'm feeling.
  3. 2 years with no adderall

    At the one year mark, I felt determined to start changing things slowly. Since then motivation has kind of come and gone, which I think is normal for most people. Overall I have enough motivation to get important things done without procrastinating.
  4. lol, well said. there's honestly no better way to put it, and it describes how basically everything feels in the early stages of recovery. but it's fine! do what you have to do (besides pills) to get through the day - i remember always looking forward to being a super blob when i got home (:
  5. Correction: I don’t WANT to take some of the Adderall I found, but I do FEEL like taking some.
  6. Today is Day 10 and I couldn’t sleep last night. I just want to sleep -my eyelids are so heavy. But I have clients to see so I also want to take a skosh of one of the 20mg pills I had found stashed last week. My brain feels like mushy-mush...the weather is absolutely gorgeous and my boyfriend is being super supportive and he’s doing really well in his recovery from nicotine.
  7. Last week
  8. 72 days clean

    I remember the old days Im still out tearing shit up on the regular. This summer I wheeled more than I had in the last 3 years combined. I get on my laptop later Ill post some current photos
  9. Today is Day 9. My dog is back and I go back to work this morning. It'll be fine. Feeling super sluggish in the mornings. No amount of caffeine can touch it. In the afternoons and evenings I've been feeling pretty good. Yesterday I found myself making alot of "deals" with myself about using. "I am never going to get another Adderall prescription, but I do have those two 20mgs and I will save those for a special occasion and enjoy them. And after those two are gone, I can always get a few just to have on-hand if I like..." I am ok with these deals...because at the same time, I am finding myself definitely wanting to face/experience my life and various things Adderall-free. Yesterday I was going to meet a girlfriend for hot yoga. And I was anxious about how that would go, but I also knew I wanted to experience it Adderall-free. I realized, to my surprise, that exercising on Adderall was not so great. It scared me because my heart rate would get so high. And in the past week, I've been enjoying exercising without Adderall. I also had a coaching session last night - my 8th session, and it was the first time I had done it stone-cold sober. And it was the best session yet. These feel like important milestones on the recovery road. My four days off without my pup were really nice. I ended up doing alot more than laying on my couch. Mind you, I got alot of couch-time in, but I also got out and had alot of fun. Went for a nice long hike with my boyfriend Sunday and really enjoyed it, for example. I really isolated alot more than I realized when I was on Adderall. Many things that now do not feel IMPORTANT felt URGENT.
  10. Skin help (for those skin picking people eaters)

    i got a reply from sri, they are 51 miles from my location. asking about logistics and details about their products. looks like we may strike some deal.
  11. I can't believe it's me...

    @mad_stoic I couldn’t agree with @sleepystupid more about NEEDING off the pills. The want seems like it will never be there, but the innate NEED for your body and mind to be sober is incredibly strong once you actually step out of the nightmare of adderall and into a scary reality of sobriety. It’s terrifying, but flush those oval f*ckers and force yourself into at least a month of no access so you realize what your missing. Don’t get me wrong, the first week or two is a big ole bitch, but once your body starts re-stabilizing, the realm of sobriety warms you like adderall never could. You don’t NEED Adderall, it needs you. You don’t need a crutch, a comfort blanket or a way out. You need help. You deserve a life of not being chained to pills, not wondering when the next refill is, not calculating how many pills you have left till you’re out, not racking your brain thinking of how to score more, not dreading the crash after a binge and not fearing when there’s only one pill left. You deserve to sleep, eat and feel normal. You deserve to live reality and not escape it. You deserve to live, without adderall. Do NOT be fooled, there is no connection nor harmonizing with adderall. We are addicts, there is no two way street nor will there ever be. We are slaves to a fake notion of happiness. We live in a fantasy that was once adderall and is no longer obtainable through addiction. Whatever feeling, productivity or studying ability you’re trying to recreate time and time again, will drift further and further away along with your mind, friends, family and happiness. I promise. It’s crazy how much different sober feels from the addict. Granted, I’m still scared shitless of what I may have irreversibly ruined, but I’ve promised myself a life I want to live. What’s the point of living when all you live for is the next pill? You deserve more, we all do. Best wishes.
  12. I hit a horrible PAWS episode 30+ days of depression and isolation. IT finally lifted and I believe these supplements helped 1500 mg of Niacin ( no flush) 500 mg of glutathione +10 mg of NADH I'm 9 months and 21 days clean. I am also on the Keto diet (plant and meat ) for the last 60days. The healthiest version of it all organic etc. I still worked out 3-4 days a week even through this depression phase ( I was working out 5-6 days a week before) I feel as if I've been walking through honey all day in slow motion. Literally crying myself to sleep at night from exhaustion alone. About three days ago I started on the supplements. Today I feel like I'm waking up out of a coma. I'm sure others have tried this, but thought I'd share just in case. For the first time in 30+ days I have energy again and feel somewhat productive- feels like a mini miracle to me. I'm not sure which supplement is really affecting me the most. It may just be the niacin ( no flush). I just thought if it can help someone else it's worth writing about. Good luck and hope this helps someone.
  13. I can't believe it's me...

    yes it is - it's always an option, no matter how deep in you are (: i think to achieve any sort of meaningful introspection, you need to get off the pills first. Adderall can literally change the way you think about EVERYTHING in life. you need to distance yourself from it before you'll be able to dig deeper to find the true cause of your pain.
  14. I can't believe it's me...

    So how the fuck do you, myself, and the rest in this situation fucking quit? It’s not an option for me. I take it or I will die. Life isn’t worth living without it. And that is only due to my life as it is. ive been reading Seneca and writings of other stoics. They say you have two choices in life when Faced with an obstacle: Fight it. Or harmonize with it. I had that thought tonight. Probably why I’m on this site. Everyones situation is different. For some, it’s the reason for fucking their lives up. For me, I’ve noticed I do the same bullshit whether on Adderall or not. My hypothesis is that adderall is the scape goat, for me. there are thing I need to be doing: Having that conversation with a family member, reconciling for someone I’ve wronged, you get the idea. i wouldn’t be doing any of this, popping pills or not. I tell myself I’d be able to if I was off, but I’ve been off and I still don’t. The paradox: Taking adderall is the excuse I use to convince myself I’ll get done what I need to. But still, I don’t. Naturally, I blame the pills for not doing what I need to do. There are lots of people out there just as fucked up, and worse, and completely sober. They have other scape goats. Adderall abuse is the byproduct of deep, internal pain. That’s what needs to be dealt with. Adderall is the band aid. I just feel that I know I’m this to be be true of everyone, without exception. It’s drug abuse. A Numbing agent. ”the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety - it’s connection” Example: I hate my job but adderall makes me love it. By all relevant indicators, you and I are both “connected.” But something else is going on. Maybe not for you, but I know it to be true for me. Is adderall the scape goat? It is for me. My goal is to harmonize with my addiction (read: disconnection) and find the root of what’s going on.
  15. I know the feeling. I feel like my mind plays so many tricks on me. I will obsess over it all day and find all the justification for why I should go back on it. I'll even start working out every step of the plan that needs to happen before I take it again. Then, it's like I'll wake up from the trance and feel totally horrified. My fiance and I have been watching the Lord of the Rings series this week and I can't help but feel like there are some major parallels between the seducing power of the ring and drug addiction. No one can handle it without being corrupted. No one can wield its power. They always think they can. They will justify taking it as if it's for a greater good, but every time the power they think it will give them is an illusion. The thirst for that feeling alwats inevitably robs them of their identity and freedom. That's why Smeagol/Gollum's story is so compelling. He represents the fate of anyone who succumbs to the lure of power. Anyway, I could go on, but I would highly recommend watching it if it's been a while. It's comforting to know that it is such a human thing to suffer because of endless desire. We need to stay grounded, but know you are not alone. It is difficult to return to what is true every day, but I truly believe you will be better in the long run. Keep working at getting your life back one step at a time!
  16. Arrrgggghhhh!!!! It’s not that I want to use right now, it’s just that I feel inadequate and uncomfortable in my own skin right now. I’m going to a birthday party with my boyfriend at a bar for some friends of his I’ve never met. I tried on about ten different things and I just feel icky and hot and I want to go but I want to feel comfortable and I feel all kinds of not comfortable...I’m committed to not changing any more times and I’m committed to not using. I am going to drink, but I don’t have any alcohol at home so I’ll have to wait til I get to the bar, which is a god-awful like hour’s drive away in freaking traffic...I already feel “FAT” after only six days of actually eating again. I know that feeling “FAT” is not about my weight but more about feeling somehow not good enough. Here goes nothing -Wish me luck!
  17. Fed up spouse

    but that still doesnt answer what I was trying to ask, so let me put it another way, If grass-fed is leaner, can I assume you would not find Prime Grade grass-fed?
  18. Yes! Thank you! I see your point! The years on Adderall flew by and I cannot get them back ever. Wants vs Feelings: I do not want to be 6 days clean a year from now. I want to be a year and 6 days clean a year from now!!! I want to know me without and beyond Adderall. Even 6 days in I’m getting glimpses of the possibilities for having a real life of my own design. I’ve been feeling for years like I’m stuck and don’t know what I want and the reality is that that was because of Adderall - it’s been the elephant in the living room for SO LONG!!! To go back would be such a betrayal of ME!!!! I need to find more and more things that matter more to me than the false belief that Adderall matters at all EVER.
  19. Another motivating factor is that the opportunity to quit comes around infrequently. I found that to be true with both adderall and cigs. It could be another few months or years before you feel like quitting again. keep going!
  20. One of the things I’m finding very motivating is that going back to Adderall would mean I’d use for awhile only to realize yet again how shitty life on Adderall actually is and hating myself for getting back on it and then having to go through the deliberations and agony of knowing I needed to quit but being tricked by the Adderall to stay on it and then eventually deciding to quit again and then having to go through all of this detoxing and withdrawing all over again. NO THANKS!!!!!
  21. Today is Day 6. Slept well. Feeling kinna dense and cotton-headed and have a little bit of a headache, but relatively fine overall. I haven’t been missing or craving Adderall. Haven’t felt tempted to use. Really enjoying the peace and quiet and beautiful weather and having the doors and windows open. The smartest decision was to have these days off at home without my dog. If he were here he’d be yapping up a storm at every sound outside and although walking him would be good for me, right now it is better for me to take walks alone when I want to. Yesterday I walked to Jamba Juice and got a smoothie and then to Kohl’s to get some new walking shoes. It was so nice to just take my time and take care of me without having any obligations other than that. Despite being sick with withdrawals, my body felt good. On Adderall my muscles and nerves were always tight and I would stiffen up really quickly after doing any exercise. I actually felt like I had more endurance yesterday and was more in-tune with my body. I need to get out and exercise some today. I feel like my headache now is from getting too much sleep in the last 24-hours! That hasn’t happened in years.
  22. Day 331 - I have an appointment less than a week away with the doctor. If you asked me yesterday if I’d be tempted to take an Adderall script from him, the answer would be absolutely. Today I’ve done a 180. Just the thought of going back on stimulants is causing massive panic attacks today. My heart can’t handle it - literally and figuratively. It’s amazing how much your mindset can change in one day. I hope I keep this mindset in the week ahead...
  23. I can't believe it's me...

    good plan!!!
  24. I can't believe it's me...

    Congratulations on 12 days!!!! That’s amazing! I’m only on Day 5-Major withdrawals started last night. For better or worse, it made me decide to cancel my long weekend plans of flying to LA. So I have four days off and a new plan: me and my couch, lol. My dog will be gone til Monday, so I don’t even need to deal with his care for a few days. Phew.
  25. Help, sucked into a vyvanse/adderall addiction

    That’s great! I’m so glad he is there to help and support you!!
  26. Day 5. I have read that withdrawals tend to peak around Day 5. I was up all night with a headache that started when I first went to bed and got worse throughout the night. Could not sleep. I was cold then hot then cold then hot. Could not get comfortable. Vomiting at 5am. Finally fell asleep for a little while after that, only to have to get up so I could get ready to go to the airport for my flight to LA. Sitting on my couch imagining my trip I decided I needed to cancel the trip and take advantage of the fact that I have four days off and I could just stay right here on my couch resting and recovering. Realized I did not HAVE to rally and pack, shower, hurry to the airport, wait for my flight, sit on a cramped plane for three hours potentially feeling trapped and sick, ride for an hour and a half in LA traffic getting carsick from the way my friend drives, lol, try to put on a happy face as a guest at my friend’s house for three days, etc. etc. It might have been good and fun and these symptoms might ease up in an hour, but it seems like a stupid gamble right now. When I told my boyfriend that I canceled my trip he said, “What?! Are you gonna be ok with nothing to do for four days and no Adderall?!” Which really annoyed me. He just quit vaping and keeping busy is imperative to him and he admitted he was projecting. My friend in LA was totally cool with it. Phew! I was cool with however he took it because I knew I couldn’t control that. So...here I am on my couch with four days off and no Adderall and no plans other than to rest and take good care of myself. I think I made the right decision. It sucks to feel like Ka-Ka, but one’s OWN couch is usually about the best place to be if that’s the case. And! I didn’t lose a dime on the flight as I was able to cancel it and get a full credit that’s good for a year because I was flying Southwest! Yay!
  27. Help, sucked into a vyvanse/adderall addiction

    Thanks everyone. Took my last dose 20 minutes ago and had my husband throw away the bottle. He’s coming with me to my appointment on Monday to cut me off!! Please pray for me as I get through this tough time. Lots of love,
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