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  2. 9 Months. Help!

    Thanks for that comment it's good hearing these types of things from those who really understand etc.
  3. I have lost my mind

    It's definitely considered psychosis. I was extremely paranoid and it took a lot time to get over.
  4. New York City, let's meet up

    i am in the NJ / NYC area (mostly brooklyn on the weekends), let me know if you'd like to chat (:
  5. What If I Just Can't?

    this this this!! life can't be all ups. you asked how one can learn to overcome hardship and find passion in life? it happens naturally when you're forced work through something you don't want to do. it happens when you're sitting around bored as hell and decide to try something new. stimulants mask all these challenges, cause you're never unmotivated and bored.
  6. 9 Months. Help!

    this is a really interesting question. the weird thing (one of many) with addiction is, it goes against our traditional experience with memory. usually negative experiences (traumatizing, embarrassing, etc) are stored longer and recalled more vividly, which makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. but i suppose with those kinds of experiences, there probably isn't a pleasure-seeking and receiving component. also you mention having had very bad social anxiety before starting on dex, so it's not too surprising that the fond memories of feeling outgoing and personable will stay with you. unfortunately, the experience of drug-induced euphoria is something you can't un-know. for the first year or two while your body and mind re-balances, you may not have enough positive experiences to keep yourself from thinking back to the last time you felt "good". the road to recovery takes time, but soon enough you will start having more good days than bad days. you will reach a level of natural happiness where your mind won't need to look back any further (:
  7. 9 Months. Help!

    Cheers guys !!! And fuck no way would I get back on the dexamphetamine. I'm an addict so I know being fully clean and sober is the only way forward.
  8. I have lost my mind

    That is a fucking nightmare. I don't know if what I'm experiencing falls under "stimulant psychosis" or not but I'd bail on the lease and take them to court. Before it was just a fear, but now it is an obsession or paranoia. Taking all these steps and spending so much time when there isn't even a roach problem here. I would not sleep at all in that circumstance unless I was in a sealed metal container with micro air filters. I've seen them before at past apartments, but since upping my adderall I think I would have a complete meltdown if I saw one. Thanks for the response. Broke student with no insurance so I'm kinda on my own right now. Aside from the whole paranoid delusion thing I'm at least cleaning up well and taking good care of the place. Still battling suicidal thoughts but yeah I am flushing this shit as soon as this semester ends.
  9. 9 Months. Help!

    At nine months this is to be expected. Just hang in there and get to the one year mark. After that it starts to get a little better. Try to get outside and just walk around the block. Do anything outside even if it’s just walking, it helps. You’ve made it 9 months which is awesome, keep going, it is worth it. I remember when I was at 9 months I had horrible anxiety and depression, it will eventually get better just don’t get back in Adderall. welcome to the forums, keep checking in, the people here were a lifesaver when I was really low.
  10. 9 Months. Help!

    Oh they'll def be no going back that's not an option. And yes need to get back into the gym. I was majorly into it up until about two months ago when this next level no motivation and zero energy stepped up. Cheers for the reply.
  11. I have lost my mind

    Also don't be afraid to reach out for help with mental illness. I went to a rehabilitation program and it really helped. All the shit we've been through takes a toll and makes us feel psychotic.
  12. What If I Just Can't?

    You have a very good perspective on things here. Life's not always easy a lot of times it's a bitch. The challenge will always be daunting at first but once you start and once you begin things getter significantly better with time. You learn it's okay to be unmotivated sometimes, it's okay to be bored sometimes, and that they're just lows that you ride out. Just know they'll be highs to ride out too where your motivated and happy. You can say inspiration is gone for good and give up recovery but I guarantee you this once you start down that path a day will come where you'll be so god damn miserable and everything has fallen apart and you've lost yourself and everything you were to the drug you'll no choice but to die or quit. At this point you'll realize you want to live and that it's not worth dying over. The sooner the better. I wish you the best Cameron
  13. I have lost my mind

    I know how you feel. I was in the same position except I just moved into a new apartment and it was literally infested with roaches. I would kill 30+ a day and it took two months for terminex to get them out. During that time I went insane trying to get rid of them myself. Literally doing everything you can think of. If it helps you do your work and you're able to still sleep and eat then you can prolly make it the rest the semester but know when next semester roles around you'll be tempted to use again. So eventually you got to say no and do shit sober. I've been off for 18 months and man I do not miss my manic nights not sleeping or eating. Just going insane. Those roaches were the worst. Just be happy you're not infested like my place was, literally at night every 15-20 minutes I'd see a roach crawling somewhere. I killed and flushed them all since according to terminex it was the only way to guarantee death. I had my bed on stilts with each stilt in a poison dish. Did all the calking, had poison everywhere. Ahhh makes me sick just thinking about back then. I'll fucking move if I ever have to do that again. I literally woke up one morning to one crawling on my head.
  14. Hi Tom,

    Thanks for taking the time to read my post. It was not an easy thing to write so I appreciate the encouragement.


  15. I have lost my mind

    Wow, I didn't know that was a thing. I just thought I was so inept and had such awful memory that I had to spend 9 hours a day writing notes, and even then that I'd ultimately fail. I definitely don't need stimulants to function as I've gone my whole life without and done well when actually applying myself. I just feel like now, mid-semester, would be a bad time to quit. I'm familiar with addiction and know the brain always tells you it's a bad time to quit but I think this is one of those times where it is a legitimate concern. So, as opposed to quitting outright I am trying to bring my dose down and get a lasso around it. My problem is after I take my 2 prescribed doses in morning and then around noon, when I start adding 2.5mg chunks every hour or so to keep the work going. Thanks for the post, and thanks to the others who replied as well.
  16. What If I Just Can't?

    Greetings, I am so, so, so conflicted! On one hand, I wouldn't be here if a piece of me wasn't at least somewhat interested in kicking Adderall. Since I opened this account a few days ago, I visit these forums several times a day. I posted an abridged version my story. I know this is unsustainable and will just get worse if I continue. On the other hand, however, I still crave my confidence candy. In a couple days, the effects will wear off and I'll revert to a comatose state. I'll lose that immediate kick of courage and enthusiasm it gives me. My confidence will be totally deflated. I've read a lot of posts here saying time will heal these deficiencies. But in my experience, it never does. The motivation Adderall gives me may be artificially induced but it's better than nothing. I know this may seem childish, but when I have a fresh prescription at my disposal, I'd rather resort to the fake boost than take my chances with real apathy. Why is it so daunting to give life a drug-free chance? How does one learn how to handle hardship and boredom and responsibility like an adult? How does one develop passions the natural way? Do I even have the capacity to lead a healthy existence anymore, to set goals and take the steps to achieve them without a stimulant to get me over the hump? What do people do to make the adjustment more seamless? Please, folks. It hasn't even been 24 hours since I was last able to bring myself to abstain, and I can already start to feel hopeless and lethargic. "Make recovery your full-time job," they say. But what if the inspiration is gone for good? Then what? WiredTiredUnhired
  17. 9 Months. Help!

    MADD congrats on 9 months. Yes we do seem to always focus only on the bright side of this dark drug. Your fighting yourself the addiction is etched deep in your brain and that voice in your head is screaming it wants that drug back. But you know what will happen, you know how bad it makes you feel, you know that’s not what you really want. I’m sure you’ve read what to do in recovery but if you haven’t try to start working out either take long walks, jog or hit the gym up hard either way do something to get your endorphins going. For me do believe that’s been a huge help even getting up now at 4:30am to hit the gym. I’m not a morning person actually hate it but what I found if I get up at 7am or 4:30am I still hate it the same so fuck it wake up early be mad get some shit done at the gym so don’t have to worry about it the rest of the day.
  18. I finally need to tell my doctor

    this. there isn't an all connected health record system that follows you around like that (yet). unless you get a new doctor and that doctor specifically requests your records forwarded from your previous doc, the only place your admission will exist is in his own notes. as far as i know, CPS can only be called if they actually observe any abuse, so you can put those worries aside and do the right thing (:
  19. Saying Goodbye to My Charisma Candy

    actually, there is something medicinal about it. it sounds like off-label, self-medication for depression which is a very dangerous road. as someone that still struggles with depression, i can tell you that Adderall does not manage depression so much as mask it. as you're keenly aware, it turns you into an entirely different person rather than helping the underlying person. i'm not clear on the details around your addiction (how long, how much), but there is a very simple question here: how long is this sustainable for? even if you have not suffered any acute health problems yet, can you honestly say that you're okay with taking this for the rest of your life? if the answer to that is "No", then you're in the right place here (: as @quit-once said, you don't need to bottom-out in order to make the decision to quit, but this is sometimes what it takes for people to stay quit. if you are unemployed currently, NOW is the time to give this some really serious thought and effort. imagine how difficult this becomes once you're reliant on adderall for not only personality but also financial stability.
  20. I have lost my mind

    welcome to the forums Invictus! that's a pretty heavy cocktail of medication you're taking, and to add Adderall and increased alcohol consumption to the mix sounds extraordinarily risky. that aside, the paranoia isn't very surprising. i had some particularly bad panic attacks around something similar. for a period of time i was convinced i had bed bugs, and always felt bugs crawling on my skin. its called "formication" and is fairly common with stimulant abuse. you do not want to get to this stage, i assure you. this shouldn't be a shocker, but Adderall tends to help everyone tremendously with school (at least in the beginning). the mechanism at work here is that it flips your natural reward system such that the dull part of schoolwork itself generates reward. this results in a feedback loop where you enjoy working so much that you spend more time finding and doing it. this is why people always think they're "drowning" in work and that there's no time for anything. my honest suggestion here is to tell your doc about the paranoia. if you absolutely need stimulants to function, perhaps there is an alternative available. you're still at a low enough dose of Adderall to course correct now. please don't add amphetamine addiction to your already concerning collection of psychiatric conditions!
  21. Light use in undergrad turned heavy in medical school

    hi tallcurrency, welcome to the forums! 100mg a day is pretty serious, especially given how quickly you upped the dosage. if you haven't had any major life problems, you soon will. your tolerance is going to clamp down hard, the efficacy is going to drop off, you'll start taking more and running out of pills... i think you see where this is going. is there a good reason you cannot tell your doc or family? this isn't as important in terms of support as it is for accountability. telling your doc will cut off your supply which is the first major hurdle. holding yourself accountable to loved ones can really make a difference. regarding your workload, there isn't an easy answer to this. as @Cheeri0 mentioned, the first few months will be about prioritizing and time management. assuming that you can't take a medical leave of absence, you really need a sustainable strategy. for example, you may have to pick your battles and just go for a passing grade on some courses. that being said, if you had the work ethic to make into med school, it will return to you soon! just give it some time and patience. this is the most important thing in your life right now, so treat it as such, and keep us posted! (:
  22. 9 Months. Help!

    Hey guys, I am nine months clean from ten years of heavy dexamphetamine abuse. I was prescribed the drug originally for ADHD but like most on this forum abused it pretty badly. I've just hit a major wall and over the last eight weeks seem to have gotten worse with anxiety and depression. I had social anxiety really badly when I was younger and the dexamphetamine made it go away but toward the last two years of taking it the negative side effects of abuse meant I had to stop taking it. I'm having trouble letting go of the past and can't stop thinking about the years I was on it and even though it was chaotic etc can't seem to understand why I don't remember how much shit it caused me from abusing the drug to crippling gambling habits etc. It's bizarre I can't seem to remember the bad shit it caused and I'm only thinking about how it made life easier and made my life happier? I'm sure someone on here can relate to where I'm at right now and any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. This depression and anxiety sux.
  23. I have lost my mind

    Sounds awful. I'll say a prayer for you, friend. My fear of bugs and spiders has increased as well. It sucks having long hair because my hair will sometimes graze my arm and I think there's one crawling up and I freak. Luckily, I love in Ohio. I can't imagine how much worse Florida would be. Adderall sucks.
  24. Saying Goodbye to My Charisma Candy

    That was an very well-written post and you laid out your case for using adderall very effectively. At this point in your addiction, it appears that adderall is doing good things in your life. Not once did I read about an unhealthy side effect, or any lasting damage that this drug has done to your life or your lifestyle. It appears that your biggest concern is your obsession with the drug and how it has helped you become the social person you want to be. So, my initial response and observation, is that you are just not ready to quit. You desire the quit because it is something you think that you should do, but not because it is something you really need to do at this point. Please tell me if I read it wrong. Your screen name: wired, tired and unhired suggests that you may be unhappy with the status quo. I'm not saying you need to experience a rock bottom or have bad things happen in your life in order to make the quit stick. But you have to want or need that Quit worse than most other things in your life. Especially, more than that social person you become every time you take another pill. When you do quit, I hope that some of the lessons you have learned from or while on adderall can follow you through your life beyond this drug. Why do you want to quit adderall? How will your life be better without it?
  25. My Personality Medicine

    The obsession fades but the impact of the years of use never goes without notice. I still compare my achievements on adderall vs post and always look at the extra mile I put in on the drug. Simple fact is it stops working at some point if it didn’t doubt anyone would really be on here. Look at it like this you lost a arm you can focus the rest of your life saying how much better you could do with two arms or you can take on new challenges with what you have and adapt in life. Your never going to get that arm back just as adderall will never do what it did for you at one time. It’s not easy it plain sucks at times but you got to move on. The good news is you didn’t lose a arm (or hopefully not at least) you still have what you started with but mentally you gonna have to push yourself non stop to be productive. It does get easier but takes a lot of time.
  26. My Personality Medicine

    I think we’ve all experienced what you are talking about. Adderall is so addictive because it is so good at telling us the lies and making us believe we are better when we’re high. The truth is it only makes you think you are great, in reality, you are probably just as good without it, better even. Welcome to the forums and I look forward to hearing more of your journey.
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