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  1. Today
  2. Bad Day...:( 59 days clean could use some support

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  3. Someone please help

    Thank you for reading and replying to my post. I really feel like a failure, and I’m so ashamed of myself. It’s hard for me to get past the feeling of guilt after relapsing. I don’t understand why I fucked everything up. I just wish my brain wasn’t like this. I hope that you are ok, and know you aren’t alone either. Reach out if you need a friend any time
  4. 16 Months Update - Feeling better

    thank you for posting!!! I am at 8 months and just started to come out of the depersonalization. I thought i was the only one!
  5. Someone please help

    Hello @idkanymore.. I also signed on here to say that I have relapsed this past weekend. I also feel like i can never be normal without this drug but also taking it is HELL. I am so sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I just want you to know you are not alone. kicking this drug is HARD. Do not beat yourself up over this relapse. Just start again tomorrow. You can do this.
  6. Someone please help

    I can’t do this anymore. I relapsed and feel so disgusting, ashamed, awful, idk how to explain it. I can’t tell my boyfriend, he tells me I can tell him if I slip up but he always threatens to kick me and my daughter out. I am so sad, I am so alone and I can’t do it much longer. How am I supposed to do normal every day stuff? I feel like a freak. Normal people can do simple tasks without a pill but I can’t, and I’m trying so hard to be able to stay sober but I can’t. Fucking. Do it. I hate who I am on this drug. I love who I am sober, why can’t I just stay sober? I’ve been sober on and off for years but I always come back to it. I was doing so good last year. I just need a friend dude. I’m so tired of being strong for everyone around me, but none of them have any clue how hard it is for me to be strong enough to stay away from this shit. i know I’m rambling, it’s late and I’m emotional but I just thought writing my feelings would help. I just want to feel normal again. I just want to be the mom I know I am. Idk.. if you read all of this thank you. I know it sounds like a cry for attention but I’m just desperate for help.
  7. Last week
  8. Dexedrine - The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

    Hey guys, just following up on my post. Really appreciate you all taking the time to read the post and thank you for the kind advice provided. It's currently been about 3 weeks since the last time I took any dex, which is the longest streak I've probably had in 2 years. To provide some context, I actually typed out that post sometime in April, but only posted it here in June when I found this forum, which has helped me enormously in gaining some perspective on the situation and learn from others. @quit-once hit the nail on the head by describing my addiction an "inconvenient", which is why I think I justified it for so long. As you might have guessed from my casual tone, indeed nothing changed when my refill became available. Rather, I just pushed myself to be more creative when thinking of ways to get it earlier and reasons to justify needing it to my parents. I'm posting this update today because it marks the day that I normally would have been able to access my refill. I just can't choose a lifestyle that revolves entirely around my meds any longer. Drug addiction is a scary fucking thing man. If I think the person I was 5 years ago saw me today, he'd just be disappointed and/ or disgusted. During one of my comedowns after a binge a few weeks ago, I wrote up a list entitled 'Reasons to Quit' and realized the level of self-destruction I had reached was honestly just sad. @sleepystupid is absolutely right about needing a plan- recreating a new daily routine for myself helped immensely in this sense and was refreshing. The more time I spend sober, the more stable I feel, and I hope to continue building a foundation to live a life that is free of this shit. What scares me is that in barely two months university will resume and I have a rough final year ahead of me what with finding a full-time job and everything. Being able to transition from 'taking a break' to 'never again' is a step I know deep down I have to take. As @Doge rightly pointed out, if I get back on dex I know it'll just be right back to where I left off. The honeymoon phase just doesn't exist anymore. @StartingOver3 thanks for sharing your post, it actually resonated with me on another level. Your story is fucking inspiring man. You're right about needing to experience life for what it really is, both the shit parts and the good. Sobriety has made me realize all the small, beautiful things in life I've been missing. How good food tastes when you cook it yourself. The joy of discovering a new song or artist I really like. Feeling butterflies when I make a pretty girl laugh or smile. I know it sounds cheesy, but I think anyone who has gone through addiction understands this feeling. That 'pure' feeling of really living life after spending so much time in an artificial reality you fabricate for yourself. It's just been so good to slowly regain glimpses of who I really am as a person. Anyways, just wanted to follow up because I really appreciated you guys taking the time to provide your input Hope you're all having a beautiful day. Much love, CorrectFigure
  9. Dexedrine - The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

    Bro, Kick this addiction NOW. You have your life to look forward to: marrying someone, starting a family, making memories with family and friends, finding a nice vocation, etc. All of this will be WRECKED by Dex if you resume your prescription, I PROMISE. I have a thread on here where I share my original story and 8 years worth of updates if you want to check it out. It’s called “it’s my time.” If you filter the threads by “most views” it has like 13,000+ views. Check it out. I love you man. Make the right decision. Praying for you now.
  10. It's my time

    I really don’t know how I randomly remember this thread, but I’m sure glad I do. It’s so amazing to read thru the entire thing every now and again. It’s really good to never forget the hell we all came from. This Saturday marks 5 years clean and sober from alcohol, and I am going on 8 years clean and sober from adderall. My wife and I have a 19 month old daughter, and will have our second daughter on August 22! Wow... It’s hard to put into words what this journey has truly been like... I’m almost in tears right now typing this update. I really hope my absence from this thread lately didn’t lead to someone losing hope. I have been walking with Jesus for over 5 years, and He’s incredible. I died to myself, and was reborn in Christ. Every good and perfect gift I have is from Him. I hope and pray that you (addict) can read this thread in its entirety and know that true Hope does exist, and it exists for the worst of the worst and the lowest of the low. If God can save me and do what He has done for me, there is abundant Hope for you, my friend. I am walking in the Light, the Truth, and the Truth has set me free. If you want to discuss more, or have someone to vent to, email me at tdc3333@hotmail.com I love you all so, so much. What a ride this has been. If you’re in Christ, I will see you in heaven, baby! Peace out... Tom
  11. Bad Day...:( 59 days clean could use some support

    My personal experience with anti-depressants and/or SSRI's is that they made me very foggy, extremely fatigued, and not to mention they took forever to start working. I was on Lexapro and Effexor for a few years at a time and they made me suicidal so I came off them. I also experienced horrible anxiety on these medications and really bad bouts of sleep paralysis! I used to be prescribed 2mg of alprazolam (Xanax) daily and then switched to 2mg of clonazepam daily for anxiety relief. Then I went to rehab and came off all medication. However, I think I am in a good spot now to go back on a low dose of alprazolam. I found, personally, that clonazepam relief lasted longer than Xanax, and a low daily dose just takes the edge of my crippling social anxiety. It truly was a lifesaver for me and was the only thing that allowed me to calm down in social situations. I have to be very careful with benzos because I gain a tolerance pretty quickly. After a while, I was just popping them like smarties. Lol I think I will get a prescription from my doctor and let a family member disperse my daily amount to me. At this point in recovery, I don't trust myself. I now attending EMDR therapy for PTSD and trauma treatment, I have really high hopes for this type of treatment based on my first few sessions.
  12. Bad Day...:( 59 days clean could use some support

    Thank you so much. Great to meet you! Are you taking any medication to deal with the anxiety and depression? I was on Wellbrutrin before adderal and I am thinking of going back. It is so hard to stay sane and sober...lol. The mindfulness advice is great...I am working so hard to put that in practice. It's true some days are better than others and the crippling depression comes and goes. That makes me feel good to know that I'm not the only know who gets annoyed easily. That was me on the adderral I'm not sure if it's my true personality or not. I am having trouble remembering who I was without the addy. You're right about drinking water! Thanks for the reminder I just took a big sip. Kick boxing sounds like fun - I want to try that out. God bless and am genuinely wishing you the best of luck too!
  13. Hi guys, I took adderral almost every day for 4.5 years. I'm 60 days clean...hooray! My depression is crippling and my anxiety is through the roof. I am upset because I thought my anxiety would decrease with quitting adderral...not the case. I took Wellbrutrin (I believe 10 mgs) for about 9 months before I staretd on adderral. It helped me with my mood and I had no negative side effects. I just want to feel happy. How long will that take? I don't know if I can take several more months of severe depression and anxiety. Is it best to be free from all meds during the recovery process? What meds did you (or did you not take during recovery?) How long did the anxiety and depression last for you? I also am getting neurotherapy to help with my ADHD and anxiety and depression, but we are targeting the ADHD mainly.
  14. NAD+ IV Therapy = Miracle

    @SamJo Any updates on this? I'd like to try it
  15. @sleepystupid I am ashamed of my behavior! I know she is a victim, and I know the use of the medication became progressively worse on my brain, causing pyschotic effects that I now can look back on and say I was not normal. I've never done drugs in my life, had no idea I was high, was with a therapist for 7 weeks while I started on it and now know she gravitates to the prescription approach...completely wrong!!! I took the medication and saw my primary care physician twice a year because of my heart rate and family history of stroke, which that alone should've stopped my dr. Many other side effects were visible to him and documented in my medical records as the hospital confirmed he should've pulled me. We are both victims is my point and in a marriage, it should be a partnership in sickness and in health. I increasingly had issues thinking, being happy, became suicidal, and couldn't understand what was wrong, then each morning pop that pill and all was good, drink at night to sleep as I couldn't shut off!! I had no idea the drug was "speed", and took it as I was told I needed it, felt horrible when I didn't so I believed it. It made me believe nothing was wrong, then I look back after 10 days in the hospital in December and now 80 hours of therapy to fully understand it caused me to experience psychotic effects that grew exponentially worse and dangerous. In talking with friends who had no idea I was on a medication I now tell them and they say "that explains a lot". My wife, my kids, and I are all victims. My kids almost didn't have a father after November when I experienced an amphetamine driven break. It was hell, the drug should be banned and I hope anyone who is reading this and is married to someone taking it...get that person help and off it. If you are taking it and reading this, take a long look at yourself and your behavior and seek help....both of which I wish happened for me years ago!!! I appreciate your feedback and hope you understand there is a lot to this, but to have every physical issue resolved that I had over 10 years, all mental issues resolved, tells me my Dr was negligent for keeping me on the drug. You have no idea when you are on it that long that anything is wrong....to me everyone else was wrong for years....didn't matter what it was, I was always right and I know that isn't the truth, that was the most insidious thing the drug did to me.
  16. Energy and Marriage - 8 months off - Need your help

    i'm not a marriage counselor or anything of the sort, but i get the sense that it's not just about believing you or not. it seems like your wife has gone through a lot of pain as a result of your use, and it just doesn't seem to be fair to her that everything is explained away simply by "it was the drugs". there's no comfort or closure in that for her. to be honest, all of your posts actually read like you're playing the victim card way too heavily. maybe she feels like you're robbing her of being the victim? i don't mean to sound like i'm discrediting you or defending medical institutions, but you probably need to take a bit more responsibility for your actions, even if they were under the influence. 10 years is a long time to have no idea what's going on with your life.
  17. @speedracer thank you!
  18. Thank you for this! My wife believes I had control when the hospital I went to has explained I experienced pyschotic effects from adderall. I was experiencing mania, paranoia, delusional thoughts, anehedonia and I had so many physical issues from the side effects of this evil drug that I never needed or should've had prescribed to me. She believes I had control over the effects that caused to behave horribly. I was irritable, I lied, I was unable to concentrate and apparently told my Dr 2 years ago I wasn't enjoying life. The hospital I checked into in November explained that my primary care was negligent as he watched me shake, have a high heart rate, sweat, talk about anxiety, have stomach problems and each year he'd give me a 10 minute test, tell me I had ADHD and "needed" adderall. It was killing me and hurting everyone around me. Thank you for the positive words. I'm trying to encourage my wife to visit this site, heal with me for our kids, for each other...once I took adderall I lost control!
  19. 4 Years!

    Thanks so much for coming back and sharing. It is people like you who provide hope that things will get better and all of the challenges and suffering will be worth it. This process can be incredibly lonely and coming here have made some of my darkest days bearable.
  20. 4 Years!

    Hey QA friends! Its been awhile since I last checked in, though I still browse the forums often. It makes me so happy to see the next generation of quitters reaching milestones and supporting each other in this crazy journey. Thursday will be 4 years since the day I checked myself into rehab. I’ve been feeling super emotional all week, just thinking back on where I was then and what it’s taken to get to where I am now. I still believe that my descent into addiction and the struggle to find a way out is the single most defining experience of my life. I never thought I’d see the day where I would feel comfortable with who I am and to be unashamed of my past, but I will freely talk about it to anyone who cares to hear the story. It is just a part of who I am, take it or leave it. Any advice worth giving has been given 100x over in the forums, but for what it’s worth, I still credit my ability to quit for good to the following: 1) cutting off the supply at the source 2) telling family, friends, coworkers and asking them to keep me accountable. Sharing my struggles and being honest about where I’m at 3) accepting that things will get worse before they get better, being willing to sacrifice whatever it takes knowing that it is the only way to secure a future worth living, including but not limited to job loss, weight gain, etc. Committing to staying quit NO MATTER WHAT 4) allowing myself to do the bare minimum, with the only goal being to get through the day ahead. Being kind to myself in the process 5) not projecting out into the future To all of you just starting out or in the depths of year 1/2, you’ve got this! It gets better, so so much better, you just have to give it time and know that what you’re going through is normal. It’s a painful process, but you can make it out the other side!
  21. Bad Day...:( 59 days clean could use some support

    Welcome to the forums. I am right there along there with you...I am 64 days clean from an 80-240 mg XR daily habit and my quit date was May 3rd. I'm excited to hear about your journey to becoming free from Adderall. This is a great community to open up to and receive feedback and advice about daily problems and concerns. Make yourself comfortable. I was addicted to opiates and benzos in my earlier years but managed to get clean through suboxone, and then eventually went off that. Between March of this year up until now, I have given up alcohol, weed, cigarettes, Adderall, and a pretty nasty cocaine habit simultaneously. (I am not trying to brag... this is just what it is. I had planned to do for a long time) I was experiencing severe psychotic manifestations from constant stimulant abuse and I dedicated myself to becoming clean from all mind-altering substances. It has been a lot of ups and downs, a lot of depressed and unbareable days, some 'ok' days and a few great days. The bad days are more prevalent than the good ones as of right now, but based on others experiences- things do get better! I try to remember that every state of mind I am in is temporary and to not attach myself to it as something permanent, because it won't be here forever. I just try to observe my thoughts, my emotions, and my mood as passing clouds...not attaching, just observing (sounds corny, but mindfulness is truly so powerful). At times, I get these 5 second moments of hope where I think "yeah....I can really do this, everything is going to be fine" I hold on to those moments of excitement and hope, they get me by even on my worst days. I have suffered anxiety and depression most of my teenage and adult life, I use to cope with this by using drugs and drinking excessively. Now, I force myself to work out on a daily basis, make sure to keep a consistent sleep schedule (for me it's early to bed, early to rise), keeping my eating as clean as can be and just over-all taking care of myself in every aspect. I make self-care and recovery my number one priority, every day. I struggle with anger and a hot temper, lifting weights and kick-boxing has been a lifesaver for cooling down. I empathize with getting annoyed with everything everyone does. I still feel that way and generally have no tolerance for anything that is slightly irritating to me. I'm hoping as I grow in recovery, this too will change, but I feel like this has always been my personality lol Binge-eating was a problem for me too, until I stepped on the scale and realized I gained 30 pounds in 6 months! That's when I really started to dedicate myself to clean eating and exercise. So far I am losing weight, and nothing feels better than being fit and healthy and in shape. When it comes to losing weight- portion control and drinking water throughout the day to curb hunger would be my biggest advice! Do you know the body often mistakes thirst for hunger? A lot of the time that we think we are hungry, we are actually thirsty, so instead of snacking I started drinking water instead and there is a huge difference in the amount of food I eat now. Honestly, for me, I joined WW and it's been a Godsend for keeping me on track! Trust me, I completely empathize with everything you're saying, just be patient and take everything day by day. Don't worry about how you will feel tomorrow, 2 weeks or in 6 months. Just focus on the day in front of you. Anything beyond that will burn you out. Wishing you the best of luck! God bless
  22. Hey guys, I'm excited to join the gang here! I have been adderral free since May 8, 2020. I believe that is 59 days...wow talk about an achievement! I do not crave the adderral anymore...only one time when I was taking an exam. However my cravings for alcohol have gone up. I am going to commit to going alcohol free for at least 30 days...I want to go longer but I am going to take it one day at a time. Has anyone given up alcohol as well as adderral? any advice? I feel like I do not have fun anymore sober. I hung out with a friend on the 4th of July and we went kayaking (sober) and I was getting so annoyed by her. She is a truly genuinely nice and supportive person but I did not enjoy her company that much. She was making comments like "The water is so blue" and talking a lot and laughing. I was getting annoyed. What is wrong with me? Why am I getting annoyed by small comments about life? Why cant I just go with the flow and relax like a normal person? What am I supposed to do now that I do not have many close friends and have quit drinking? How do I find fun and enjoyment in my life again? How do I figure out what I even enjoy doing besides drinking? Does it get better? I feel so alone. How do I make friends in this current enviornment? I want more support. I am not close to my family. And virtually is not the same. Also, yesterday my coworker tested positive for covid. I was around him on Wednesday. I'm not going to get tested as it would make me even more anxious. I am going to work from home for 2 weeks. I have no motivation to work. I'm in a sales job and no one is interested in my product due to this enviornment and especially now that I am off the addy I don't have as much motivation to even work. Also I am dealing with a lot of body shame. I went to whole foods yesterday and bought all nutritious foods yesterday. I went in with the intention of eating very nutritiously today and making eggs this morning then BAM....power went out. It lasted for about 45 minutes. I started binge eating this morning even though it was nutritious foods, I ended up eating too much. Now I am stuck in this horrific cycle of self guilt and shame. My anxiety, patience, and anger is through the roof! I tried to meditate but I couldn't. I was just way too mad. Binge eating does help me numb the pain and so does alcohol. Meditation does not help as much. It's rough. How do you guys deal with the anxiety, depression, and anger without using alcohol or drugs?
  23. Absolutely, congrats on 8 months! You have come a long way baby! I hope you keep going. You should be getting to the good stuff soon. Your energy should come back and increase month by month. There will be continued waves of weakness and fatigue, but you will get some good days and weeks too. I am on month 12, and last week before the 4th, I had my best week so far. It was the first full week of productivity without losing days to fatigue. yay! . A huge milestone for me. My wife sometimes misses the old social me, where I could party like a rockstar, have fun with anyone, and blast away with on high dopamine, but she tells me regularly how much better I am today on a day to day basis. And because of this site, she understands I will go through cycles of fatigue where I cant do anything productive. I am doing my best to stay positive. I think positive affirmations are huge. We have to change our patterns of thought, our habits of thinking from negative to positive. "We are getting better and better." " We are healthier and stronger than before. We are more at peace. Our marriages continue to improve." Create affirmations to counter the negative thoughts. "I am strong and energetic". "I have what it takes to get through this." "My marriage is getting better and better every day and in every way". Our daily consciousness impacts our final outcomes. It was so easy to think positively on the medication but now its really hard. With humility and self empathy, we need to rebuild our self image without the meds. Its so hard to do but I am starting to make affirmations a habit. i challenge you to try it for 30 days.
  24. Earlier
  25. Energy and Marriage - 8 months off - Need your help

    Congratulations on 8 months and staying strong through this difficult phase of your recovery. I have some potentially good news for you but please be aware that we are all so different and my experience is mine alone. I used 60mg of Adderall per day for ten years and then lowered to 40mg for 5 years. I was on Adderall as prescribed for 15 years without a single day break. The exhaustion and lack of energy after I quit lasted me about 11 months. It was brutal. I also had a laundry list of other horrific PAWS related issues. Around the 11 month mark I started getting more restless and agitated and I began experiencing the need to pace and I could no longer take naps or lay around. This was a good sign but it also created new challenges that created new hardships. My central nervous system has become hyper alert and overwhelmed. I quickly learned that I needed to move and rigorous exercise became a necessary part of my daily routine. You are going to get through this difficult time. Please be patient and hang on tight.
  26. I was officially 8 months off adderall on July 1st and it hurts to know the hold it had on me. I took it as a prescription daily for 10 years, 30 mg xr. It ended up causing pyschotic effects with mania, paranoia, delusional thoughts and many physical issues, yet I took it daily believing I was perfect! It hurt my marriage that I'm trying to now save! I'm running out of energy daily and I know it's both exhaustion from the lack of stimulant as well as focusing my energy to save my marriage. Any helpful advice on regaining your energy? I'm trying protein shakes, high protein diet and still I am sluggish. Any thoughts on how I can explain to my wife adderall made me out of control for years? I'm now telling people I was on it and I hear "that explains a lot" or "that explains your odd behavior". I appreciate your help!
  27. 16 Months Update - Feeling better

    Yeah man, before I was prescribed I did anywhere from 5mg to 60mg adderall, and then any dose of vyvanse available a few times a week. I never had an issues with inconsistent usage because my brain had breaks in between whenever I ran out, hell actually began when I was prescribed 20mg XR a day, I thought the issue was from the extended release so I switched to instant release, side effects kept increasing with consistent usage even at a responsible dose. It's a great anxiety mask, but it's not worth what it can take from you.
  28. 16 Months Update - Feeling better

    Thanks for sharing Jacob! I really appreciate hearing about your timeline! How long did you take adderall and what was your dosage? Can you share that?
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