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  1. Today
  2. I am afraid.

    Keep in mind a lot of people come late to NA meetings addicts aren't known for being prompt. If your not comfortable because of the area maybe look somewhere else better part of town maybe. I understand a lot what u say but yeah adderall isn't the cure to depression lucky you found out this soon took me 9yrs to admit to myself it's a big fucking problem and must stop. Good luck it's hard but I beleive those with only a year or two of addiction will recover at a faster pace vs those of us who took it for many years.
  3. Yesterday
  4. I am afraid.

    Oh yeah - you are DEFINITELY ready to quit Adderall. This self-loathing thing you're doing is actually progress, though I'm sorry you're going through it. And no, you do not deserve to be alone, though I understand where you're coming from, I felt the same way towards the end of my stimulant addiction. What you're going through now is a process of self-realization. You're realizing how you've affected the people around you with your Adderall usage and beginning to take ownership of the situation. This does not mean you're a monster or a psychopath. If you were a natural "monster" or psychopath, you would've been this way prior to Adderall, which is sounds like you weren't. Your brain is going through a tumultuous journey of fluctuating levels of neurotransmitters. Your brain cannot strike a balance, so it sends you into various states ranging from panic, to depression, to disassociation, and to apathy. Just remind yourself - THIS IS PART OF THE PROCESS. This isn't some grand realization that you're a terrible person no matter how much your brain is trying to convince you otherwise. You're going to be tested throughout this process, but whatever happens, you will handle it. I probably had to tell myself that upwards to a million times throughout my recovery.. 'Whatever happens, I will handle it'. Please reach out to me or anyone else on this board if you need help, and keep posting!!
  5. I am afraid.

    Mer, I literally have the same story. im the same age too. I remember feeling really scared when I decided I needed to quit. It all got better once I ripped the band aid off. I'm 2 months now and I'm in love with my new self! No more anxiety, no more mood swings. My husband and I have never been happier. All in all I'm just more enjoyable to be around. It has been the best decision of my life. I know you can do it!
  6. 2 Week Progress

    I don't know why but I just felt the need for this post. Second thought, I know exactly why I am writing this post... I was cleaning my room tonight and organizing (adderall free, promise!) and I stumbled upon the 5 spiral notebooks (yes, FIVE) that I would use to write while on adderall. Keep in mind, as some already know, I was abusing up to 250mg in a day, gradually going from 20mg a day to that over the course of 2-3 years. I was reading a note I wrote to myself a while back that i put in my dresser so I would read it (totally forgot I put these letters to myself all around my room to motivate sobriety) and it wasn't until tonight I really sat down and flipped through these journals and letters. It's kind of like in a horror movie when someone goes into a house that obviously is haunted, we scream STOP DON'T GO IN THERE STUPID, and honestly that's exactly what it was like reading these posts. Part of me wants to post them it's so depressing, to me at least. I can just feel the desperation in every entry, every new one getting worse than the last. I'd always write an "update" when I got my refill and it was so fucking obvious how oblivious I was to the pattern of behavior I was trapped in. I felt bad reading myself go through that. I was bullshitting myself so much, saying how this new refill was going to be different (I claimed I had learned my lesson and was trying to taper down.. only to fail miserably). Anyways, I just wanted to get this experience off my chest. It was pretty cathartic to be reminded how delusional this drug eventually made me and flawed my thinking became after abusing it. It's kinda funny (lack of better word) to see how hopeful I am at the beginning (of the journals and when I get the refills) only to decline over that week and feeling so hopeless. I am just two weeks into my sobriety, but it's surprising to me how I actually had the drive for cleaning and sorting my room. And overall the first few days off adderall weren't too bad and I'm actually starting to feel like myself again. I fucking love it. Especially because I know that i don't have access to anymore adderall, so this happiness and drive I feel is genuine for once. I feel bad if I just post bragging about feeling good off adderall when there's so many others that from what I read, are in similar situations to me. My advice? Although I am early in my sobriety and might not be experienced enough to give it yet, if I could give one piece of advice it would be to cut ties from your adderall/amphetamine supply. Simple as that. Personally I did that by telling a new psych I wanted off adderall (not many details given to him cause he didn't care much lol). I would also recommend not substituting another drug for adderall immediately. Give yourself a good week or so to naturally come off the drug. I was supposed to take Prozac but as some of you know I didn't. I haven't taken anything besides L-Tyrosine a few days in my first week and L-Theanine (which I usually take daily anyways). Just my two cents. If you are even just thinking about quitting and are anything like me, do yourself a favor and so it asap. Don't wait for the summer, don't wait for your next refill. Just do it. Start your life. Let yourself enjoy the summertime! Thanks for reading
  7. Last week
  8. I am afraid.

    You surely don't deserve to be alone
  9. I am afraid.

    I've had and still am having evenings just like yours, those last few hours in the evening when you've ran out of stuff to keep busy are the worst.. it feels like you're just soaking in pain and disappointment and it's terrible. Totally understand parents over reacting and overwhelming you. You just have to work through the past and keep in mind that it doesn't necessarily determine your future and where you can go from now. It's hard and sometimes seems impossible to let it go and start a new chapter but these are just different ways to look at it to try and help. It's really hard on your own, scrambled from the abuse, and everything else. That's how I've pretty much been doing it and I've spent many evenings in what I consider agony. I just try to get to sleep so I can start a new day. True friends will still be there for you if you try and reconcile. Anyway, try not to be too hard on yourself.. just do your best and hang in there
  10. I am afraid.

    So I didn't take Adderall today. Parked outside of an NA meeting, but I couldn't bring myself to go in. It was located in a mildly seedy part of the city and I had anxiety about walking through a door guarded by an older biker-type gentleman into a meeting for which I was already a little bit late. I attempted to muster some grit, but my backbone is already bent with shame and it would have taken a lot to stroll in with my shorts and ponytail. Instead, I went to the closest wooded area and walked for awhile. I went to a diner by myself. I came home and did some dishes and watched Russell Brand's "From Addiction to Recovery." And that all felt pretty good. And now, I feel...like jumping off of a fucking bridge. I am so ashamed of my own selfishness. For my move at the end of July, I have to pack up a house that I live in with a friend who I now haven't spoken to in over a month. His sister is a recovered alcoholic, addiction has had a substantial impact on him and his family and he has an unempathetic view of addicts--in our last conversation, he told me that he didn't believe addicts were capable of understanding addiction, that he wasn't going to be anyone's savior, that "this is what addiction looks like." Most of the people I have been close to don't trust me, and rightfully so. I've been a monster and I can't imagine what it has been like to tolerate my behavior, I don't know that there is much that I can do right now to humanize my experience when my state has been completely unrelatable and downright toxic. There isn't anything that I can say that won't be interpreted through the narrative that I have created. I went home to my parents' yesterday, back to the house of disorganized chaos where unfinished projects and partially-read books clutter each surface (an ADHD household in its truest form). I wanted to be honest with my mom so badly, but she's...you know, a mother. And frequently my problems become more about how she can help than what I really need. She will call and text constantly after dabbling in research about any issue I have whether or not the advice is invited. Though I appreciate her support I REALLY REALLY DO, I feel instantly discouraged, overwhelmed, and disempowered by her need for purpose. And I don't know how to find myself in a home that feels like it has no space for me, one that is just as anarchic as my head. At almost 30, I have faded from the seemingly promising pursuit of my dream career. I have lost incredibly meaningful relationships, my reputation, and my mind--and they were all my own doing. My job is a trigger for a lot of substances but I'm afraid I won't be able to start a new one when I come back down to Earth and see a fucking slug in the mirror. But what I see in the mirror now makes my heart break. I just feel pretty alone, and I feel like I deserve to be.
  11. I am afraid.

    You're very welcome, glad I could help
  12. I am afraid.

    Can not tell you how much your reply means. I carried it in my mind throughout my day, and there were some trying moments. Thank you.
  13. Generation RX documentary

    I was able to rent it for $2.99 on YouTube.
  14. Generation RX documentary

    I can't find the movie on Netflix, Amazon or YouTube. Anyone know how where the movie went or how to get a copy?
  15. I am afraid.

    You're beautiful and you'll be okay. Your story/perspective/values/personality etc feel and appear so similar to mine and what I was/am going through. I can relate so hard to the constant philosophy, constant perspective change on topics making so hard to relay a point because you're beautiful and you're considering all these points of view and trying to understand at the deepest of levels while holding so tightly to yourself and your moral standards and values. I've had depression since childhood but also didn't believe in meds, i just was dealt a shit hand and figured i'd just tough it out but my perspective never changed. I stumbled upon adderall and went on a two year conscious endeavor where I lost myself, went through hell with it, had an abusive long term relationship end and developed some serious fear/trauma/paranoia/anxiety. I'm at a point now three months off where my body is much healthier I'm feeling better definitely from when I was on but the thought structure and pattern of always bouncing perspectives leads to in my case multiple emotional selfs because these thoughts from different points of view/perspectives have emotion attatched. This is where we lose our selves/ old self. In my case I'm in a mix of emotions that are too overwhelming to comphrehend. We still have our conscious self "the voice" in our head but it has separated from our emotional chaos. All you can do is stick to your convictions and what you believe even though for some time your emotions won't agree due to all the chaos or abuse but in time the storm will settle and you'll see what remains. These first few months have been rough, but try to find what you believe you should do and remain focused on that while putting your diet and sleep at the top of your priorities. Also, I wouldn't right away but maybe consider therapy and possible light antidepressant since the depression was so pre-existing and long term. You will get yourself back, it's not going to be easy, it has been very very painful so far for me but I'm finally feeling better. I'm considering medication too finally after ten years of foolish pride and pain. We'll see how that goes.. Reading your post felt like I was reading something I wrote. Hang in there, I can tell you're tough and you'll make it back stronger and having learned so much.
  16. I am afraid.

    Thank you. Thank you, thank you. I will.
  17. San Francisco Bay Area

    hi @Rachel and @Badderall and anyone else still reading this and interested.. i live in LA but will be in SF this coming weekend, I would love to meet for coffee or something if anyone would be interested. I am using adderall. (not binging) but want to stop. would like to meet up with people who have struggled with this drug too. let me know x
  18. I am afraid.

    I'm able to identify with a lot of the stuff you mentioned, so I'll give my perspective (currently 16ish months clean from a 5+ year addiction to vyvanse/adderall/zenzedi). I also was on a mad pursuit to "fix myself" when I first hopped on stimulant medications. I felt like Adderall was the key that unlocked my brain and I became voracious for information in the name of self-improvement. There was something ironic about this endeavor, I was gulping down Adderall after Adderall to be able to do all this self-improvement stuff to be able to be a better, smarter, and happier person in society.. only to lose all my friends and close relationships in the process. What the hell is the point of learning all this shit if you're just sitting on it while cooped up in the house being all anti-social? Now, I was able to completely empathize with your hesitation to quit when you brought up the possibility of 'no longer being intelligent'. That thought alone kept me on the medication for the last 2-3 years. Sure my body was deteriorating on Adderall, I understood that, but I didn't want to lose my active intelligence that Adderall seemed to unlock. And I bold-faced the word seemed for a reason, because I strongly believe, in the vast majority of users and in the vast number of circumstances, Adderall provides the FEELING of increased intelligence, but doesn't actually raise your IQ to any significant effect. This is especially true in the long-run when the years of poor sleep and poor lifestyle eventually takes its inevitable toll. I quit Adderall in the middle of one of the most difficult and more relevant semesters in graduate school. I couldn't stand the person I became on Adderall when it came to interacting with other people. I became socially avoidant and just plain fuckin' awkward around everyone. I went from talking someone's ear off when the medication was peaking to wanting to be by myself in the corner when it wore off. Interestingly enough, my test grades were not significantly different. In fact, my test grades actually increased by 3-5 points! I know that may not constitute as "significant", but I found it interesting. After being off Adderall this long, I can tell you that it didn't make me smarter.. it just made me feel smarter. Right now, I'm a LOT more connected with what I know and what I don't know and need to research versus being absolutely confident on anything and everything on Adderall (wrongly so in many cases). I still love to learn new shit, though I may not be as obsessive with doing so as I was when I was on Adderall. You will still want to keep learning about new cool, exciting things once you quit Adderall, trust me. It may be difficult early on in the recovery, but you'll get there. You can't go on like this. Quit now, you haven't been taking it that long. You will bounce back quicker if you quit now vs waiting for 4 additional years like I did. And yes, I mean quit taking it altogether. Tapering is fine if you wish to do it that way, but as I've said in my previous post, if you're taking Adderall for a specific purpose in mind (in this case, you definitely are), then you will not be able to sustain taking a fixed dose over a long period of time, because the effects will wear off through tolerance and you will need to keep increasing your dosage till it's out of control.. Best of luck, reach out to me if you need anything.
  19. I am afraid.

    I came across this website this week and it has truly been life-changing. I have been so alone, watching something alter my mind and body and not being able to discuss my anxieties with anyone for fear of scaring them. I started taking Adderall in August. I'd taken it and loved it (loved it) before then, but I only took it from time to time. I've had depression since I was eleven and was prescribed Adderall once before (not for depression, but I'd been prescribed anti-depressants also) when I was thirteen or fourteen, but I didn't trust pills and wouldn't take them. I've been going through hell with my depression for the past few years and it got to a point where I knew it was beyond my control. It took me a long time to decide I would try medication, just to get me off the ground and give me the motivation to help myself get better. About ten months ago, I met with a psychiatrist and after the first appointment, I was diagnosed with ADHD and handed a prescription for Adderall 20mg XR. I felt...a lot of things. I had gone in expecting an anti-depressant and came out with what felt like a key to heaven. I felt guilty and elated. I felt validated. I had identified a goal: fix myself. And my Adderall-induced brain went to work. I became obsessed with consciousness and psychology. I was having constant epiphanies about life and the world and myself--and though my mind was in a limbo of euphoria and sadness, I really did discover so many things about myself and what I believe. My journey with Adderall was a spiritual one. I consumed podcasts and TedTalks like potato chips. My interest in the world was superfocused and I was picking it apart like a puzzle. But while my internal world was populating, my external world was falling apart. I was in a relationship that was definitely emotionally abusive with a guy who is very critical and controlling, and my depression and the Adderall just kept me spinning around and around, looking for this "better self" that I was trying to achieve. I couldn't sleep and I didn't eat. I lost a ton of weight. My skin looked like shit. I had rings underneath my eyes that I couldn't hide with any amount of make up. Prior to Adderall, though I needed time alone to rejuvenate and recalibrate, I had always had lots of great friends and was social. I have alienated myself from most of my friends, offending them or acting crazy with my monstrous and wounded ego (and a boyfriend whom they all hated). Adderall exaggerated other addictions, which I think is inevitably good because it made me recognize them for what they were. I was using external substitutes as ways to control myself because I felt out of control from the inside. I changed my prescription months ago to 10mg IR. I am still not myself. Not that I expected to be my full self. I don't remember what that feels like anymore. I am so fucking scared of returning to where I was before I began medication. I am scared of being sedentary, and returning to hopelessness. Adderall gave me the drive and focus that I have always desired and hated myself for lacking. But now I am an empty shell, I don't trust myself to be myself, and I'm terrified of what I am doing to my mind and body. My heart is constantly racing. I often cannot take a full breath. My veins look fucking terrifying and I can feel that my teeth and gums are just a little bit...different. I can't communicate clearly, interrupting myself midsentence and speaking it parables. I can't converse without philosophizing. With a lowered dosage, my brain gets tired and I am often fighting with it for consciousness as it longs to drift off into a fantasy world of tangents. I don't know what of my mind is mine and what is a drug anymore. I want to regain myself, but I also don't want to lose myself. I am so afraid that I will no longer be intelligent without medication, that the static will creep back into my mind and all of my thoughts will be erased. I am moving back home in a month. I wrote a letter to my mom, inspired by this website. I just...learning is so important to me. I don't want to lose my ability to do so. I don't want to lose my luster for life. But I am exhausted and hurt and lost.
  20. Do you drink off Adderall?

    I've never been a big drinker (maybe just early 20s when most of us are). I actually can't stand drinking without Adderall, not that I drink much with it, either. When I'm on Adderall I feel like they cancel each other out a bit, so I stick to one or two drinks. When I'm not taking Adderall drinking makes me so tired that I fall asleep after a couple glasses if wine.
  21. I know exactly what you mean. Ive tried explaining that to my sons father/boyfriend. He gets mad that i keep on abusing them but he isnt supportive when I try to steer clear of them. Not that its his job to make me feel good enough. But he just doesn't get it. It makes me think about how unfair the world can be to women. Alot is expected of us. I have had daddy issues for a long time too. Lol. And it makes things harder. What i mean is my father left when I was 3 and ive been looking for him ever since. I didn't realize that until the last couple years though. I always had to have a boyfriend or at least have a guy "want me". Even if it was just sexual. I got my identity and worthiness from guys. Without one i was nobody. I was clingy and possessive. Then I got to a point where I had been hurt so much that I swore off love and hated men. I had "booty calls" but that was it. No emotion involved. But when my boyfriend came along something in me wanted to try. I wanted love. We have been together 5 years but I am terrified of him leaving every day. To the point that my worries have caused problems. I have this belief that adderall makes me the perfect woman. As long as I can keep the house spotless and get tons done and handle our son and the house and bills and laundry and work and barely eat plus have energy to keep my hair and makeup done then he will never leave me right????? But I think ive had that sick belief most of my life. That I have to be perfect to be loved.
  22. Do you drink off Adderall?

    Being on adderall fueled my alcohol intake, sometimes to a seriously unhealthy level. I have a drink now and then but boy, not like I did on adderall. I probably shoulda been committed a time or two from the way I acted mixing those two. No joke. youre better off without the booze. Ugh
  23. Do you drink off Adderall?

    That's a great point. It is a small price to pay for the additional support. I have to say, not being hung over in any regard is a plus.
  24. Night terrors

    Thanks Cheeri0! Working on it, progress seems so slow but I think that there is some at least.. these last few months off adderall have felt longer than the two years I was on, time is a crazy thing
  25. Do you drink off Adderall?

    Good question, I often wonder the same thing. When I first quit adderall I still drank. I didn't even think twice about a glass of wine at dinner now and then because I never had an issue with booze. However, after a few weeks off the pills when my cravings got more intense I started getting serious about my NA program. NA literature is very clear: "alcohol is a drug" and addicts need to nix all drugs to recover, or else we run the risk of substituting one for the other. The more I thought about it, the more I agreed. I quit drinking a month after I quit adderall and don't regret it at all (though I'm not 100 percent sure it was necessary to recover from amphetamine addiction). If I'm honest with myself, I think the real reason I quit drinking was to feel a sense of belonging in NA. And it has been absolutely worth it. I was so isolated before... like, epically lonely. And I really needed to focus on my recovery. If quitting drinking meant I got to solve both of those problems at once ,then so be it. Wine doesn't mean more to me than emotional sanity, yknow? The relationships I have in NA and the spiritual progress I've made are HUGE pros that outwiegh the cons of teetotaling! Could I have found a way to happiness that didn't include NA and quitting drinking? Probably. But I was out of time, was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and just picked an available method I thought would work for me instead of waiting for the "perfect formula" to come around. I don't regret it a bit. Curious to hear other perspectives!
  26. Night terrors

    Wishing you the best Sean, it's awesome that you're putting your health first now and taking care of yourself!
  27. I feel the same although it's only been three months.. sucks..
  28. Earlier
  29. Adderall: How I beat the vicious cycle

    Spot on. Your experience was very similar to mine. Glad I am out of this cycle now. Your post is encouraging, thank you
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