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  1. Today
  2. I can't believe it's me...

    yes it is - it's always an option, no matter how deep in you are (: i think to achieve any sort of meaningful introspection, you need to get off the pills first. Adderall can literally change the way you think about EVERYTHING in life. you need to distance yourself from it before you'll be able to dig deeper to find the true cause of your pain.
  3. I can't believe it's me...

    So how the fuck do you, myself, and the rest in this situation fucking quit? It’s not an option for me. I take it or I will die. Life isn’t worth living without it. And that is only due to my life as it is. ive been reading Seneca and writings of other stoics. They say you have two choices in life when Faced with an obstacle: Fight it. Or harmonize with it. I had that thought tonight. Probably why I’m on this site. Everyones situation is different. For some, it’s the reason for fucking their lives up. For me, I’ve noticed I do the same bullshit whether on Adderall or not. My hypothesis is that adderall is the scape goat, for me. there are thing I need to be doing: Having that conversation with a family member, reconciling for someone I’ve wronged, you get the idea. i wouldn’t be doing any of this, popping pills or not. I tell myself I’d be able to if I was off, but I’ve been off and I still don’t. The paradox: Taking adderall is the excuse I use to convince myself I’ll get done what I need to. But still, I don’t. Naturally, I blame the pills for not doing what I need to do. There are lots of people out there just as fucked up, and worse, and completely sober. They have other scape goats. Adderall abuse is the byproduct of deep, internal pain. That’s what needs to be dealt with. Adderall is the band aid. I just feel that I know I’m this to be be true of everyone, without exception. It’s drug abuse. A Numbing agent. ”the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety - it’s connection” Example: I hate my job but adderall makes me love it. By all relevant indicators, you and I are both “connected.” But something else is going on. Maybe not for you, but I know it to be true for me. Is adderall the scape goat? It is for me. My goal is to harmonize with my addiction (read: disconnection) and find the root of what’s going on.
  4. Yesterday
  5. I know the feeling. I feel like my mind plays so many tricks on me. I will obsess over it all day and find all the justification for why I should go back on it. I'll even start working out every step of the plan that needs to happen before I take it again. Then, it's like I'll wake up from the trance and feel totally horrified. My fiance and I have been watching the Lord of the Rings series this week and I can't help but feel like there are some major parallels between the seducing power of the ring and drug addiction. No one can handle it without being corrupted. No one can wield its power. They always think they can. They will justify taking it as if it's for a greater good, but every time the power they think it will give them is an illusion. The thirst for that feeling alwats inevitably robs them of their identity and freedom. That's why Smeagol/Gollum's story is so compelling. He represents the fate of anyone who succumbs to the lure of power. Anyway, I could go on, but I would highly recommend watching it if it's been a while. It's comforting to know that it is such a human thing to suffer because of endless desire. We need to stay grounded, but know you are not alone. It is difficult to return to what is true every day, but I truly believe you will be better in the long run. Keep working at getting your life back one step at a time!
  6. Last week
  7. Arrrgggghhhh!!!! It’s not that I want to use right now, it’s just that I feel inadequate and uncomfortable in my own skin right now. I’m going to a birthday party with my boyfriend at a bar for some friends of his I’ve never met. I tried on about ten different things and I just feel icky and hot and I want to go but I want to feel comfortable and I feel all kinds of not comfortable...I’m committed to not changing any more times and I’m committed to not using. I am going to drink, but I don’t have any alcohol at home so I’ll have to wait til I get to the bar, which is a god-awful like hour’s drive away in freaking traffic...I already feel “FAT” after only six days of actually eating again. I know that feeling “FAT” is not about my weight but more about feeling somehow not good enough. Here goes nothing -Wish me luck!
  8. Fed up spouse

    but that still doesnt answer what I was trying to ask, so let me put it another way, If grass-fed is leaner, can I assume you would not find Prime Grade grass-fed?
  9. Yes! Thank you! I see your point! The years on Adderall flew by and I cannot get them back ever. Wants vs Feelings: I do not want to be 6 days clean a year from now. I want to be a year and 6 days clean a year from now!!! I want to know me without and beyond Adderall. Even 6 days in I’m getting glimpses of the possibilities for having a real life of my own design. I’ve been feeling for years like I’m stuck and don’t know what I want and the reality is that that was because of Adderall - it’s been the elephant in the living room for SO LONG!!! To go back would be such a betrayal of ME!!!! I need to find more and more things that matter more to me than the false belief that Adderall matters at all EVER.
  10. Another motivating factor is that the opportunity to quit comes around infrequently. I found that to be true with both adderall and cigs. It could be another few months or years before you feel like quitting again. keep going!
  11. One of the things I’m finding very motivating is that going back to Adderall would mean I’d use for awhile only to realize yet again how shitty life on Adderall actually is and hating myself for getting back on it and then having to go through the deliberations and agony of knowing I needed to quit but being tricked by the Adderall to stay on it and then eventually deciding to quit again and then having to go through all of this detoxing and withdrawing all over again. NO THANKS!!!!!
  12. Today is Day 6. Slept well. Feeling kinna dense and cotton-headed and have a little bit of a headache, but relatively fine overall. I haven’t been missing or craving Adderall. Haven’t felt tempted to use. Really enjoying the peace and quiet and beautiful weather and having the doors and windows open. The smartest decision was to have these days off at home without my dog. If he were here he’d be yapping up a storm at every sound outside and although walking him would be good for me, right now it is better for me to take walks alone when I want to. Yesterday I walked to Jamba Juice and got a smoothie and then to Kohl’s to get some new walking shoes. It was so nice to just take my time and take care of me without having any obligations other than that. Despite being sick with withdrawals, my body felt good. On Adderall my muscles and nerves were always tight and I would stiffen up really quickly after doing any exercise. I actually felt like I had more endurance yesterday and was more in-tune with my body. I need to get out and exercise some today. I feel like my headache now is from getting too much sleep in the last 24-hours! That hasn’t happened in years.
  13. Day 331 - I have an appointment less than a week away with the doctor. If you asked me yesterday if I’d be tempted to take an Adderall script from him, the answer would be absolutely. Today I’ve done a 180. Just the thought of going back on stimulants is causing massive panic attacks today. My heart can’t handle it - literally and figuratively. It’s amazing how much your mindset can change in one day. I hope I keep this mindset in the week ahead...
  14. I can't believe it's me...

    good plan!!!
  15. I can't believe it's me...

    Congratulations on 12 days!!!! That’s amazing! I’m only on Day 5-Major withdrawals started last night. For better or worse, it made me decide to cancel my long weekend plans of flying to LA. So I have four days off and a new plan: me and my couch, lol. My dog will be gone til Monday, so I don’t even need to deal with his care for a few days. Phew.
  16. Help, sucked into a vyvanse/adderall addiction

    That’s great! I’m so glad he is there to help and support you!!
  17. Day 5. I have read that withdrawals tend to peak around Day 5. I was up all night with a headache that started when I first went to bed and got worse throughout the night. Could not sleep. I was cold then hot then cold then hot. Could not get comfortable. Vomiting at 5am. Finally fell asleep for a little while after that, only to have to get up so I could get ready to go to the airport for my flight to LA. Sitting on my couch imagining my trip I decided I needed to cancel the trip and take advantage of the fact that I have four days off and I could just stay right here on my couch resting and recovering. Realized I did not HAVE to rally and pack, shower, hurry to the airport, wait for my flight, sit on a cramped plane for three hours potentially feeling trapped and sick, ride for an hour and a half in LA traffic getting carsick from the way my friend drives, lol, try to put on a happy face as a guest at my friend’s house for three days, etc. etc. It might have been good and fun and these symptoms might ease up in an hour, but it seems like a stupid gamble right now. When I told my boyfriend that I canceled my trip he said, “What?! Are you gonna be ok with nothing to do for four days and no Adderall?!” Which really annoyed me. He just quit vaping and keeping busy is imperative to him and he admitted he was projecting. My friend in LA was totally cool with it. Phew! I was cool with however he took it because I knew I couldn’t control that. I am on my couch with four days off and no Adderall and no plans other than to rest and take good care of myself. I think I made the right decision. It sucks to feel like Ka-Ka, but one’s OWN couch is usually about the best place to be if that’s the case. And! I didn’t lose a dime on the flight as I was able to cancel it and get a full credit that’s good for a year because I was flying Southwest! Yay!
  18. Help, sucked into a vyvanse/adderall addiction

    Thanks everyone. Took my last dose 20 minutes ago and had my husband throw away the bottle. He’s coming with me to my appointment on Monday to cut me off!! Please pray for me as I get through this tough time. Lots of love,
  19. Is anyone in the dallas area, that would like to meet up? Would love to talk to people I can relate to.
  20. I can't believe it's me...

    @LuLamb I’m feeling pretty good, considering I’m only on day 12! Thanks for asking! How about you? Feeling ok or going through the dreaded withdrawal process?
  21. Help, sucked into a vyvanse/adderall addiction

    Hi, one thing adderall addiction will make you believe is that you're not capable of doing anything without them. THIS IS A LIE OF ALL LIES. You were capable (maybe tired, but still capable) before, you are capable now. There is research that says those on adderall think they produce superior results, when in actual fact, the results are the same as anyone else's. You can and will do this on your own. You deserve it for yourself. Yes, the kids are important, but you are more important. It will be hard but you will laugh again soon and get proper rest and the insanity will go away. We believe in you! You can do it!
  22. Yes I think I read your story Tuesday morning at 3 am this week, lol!! Whatever works!!! Everything about quitting this time feels stronger and clearer. Not sure if that matters or what to do with other than keep on keeping on with what I want which is to be FREE of Adderall...
  23. It’s a very good (and mind I say LOGICAL point) and I needed that-thanks!!!!
  24. It's funny how that works. I used to quit smoking cigs by having them around, and when I kicked Adderall, I kept a mutilated melted glob of two burnt pills on a rock until.....well, I still have that trophy. I burned my last two available pills when I quit. What matters most is your solid determination to make this Quit succeed!
  25. I wish you the best. You can do it. I’m sure you’ve faced very hard things in life and come out on top. This is the same. You can win against this like you have against other hard times or hardships. Good luck.
  26. Today is Day 4 for me. It’s still going well and the beautiful weather here is really helping. I was feeling really sluggish this morning, and really wanted to cancel my clients and go back to bed, but once I was at my office and seeing clients, I felt better and it helped. I does make me anxious to be so hungry and to see myself eating so much more than I was, but I’m not really worried about it. I’m going out of town tomorrow and I am actually looking forward to it now. I’ll bring all of my supplements and the two Addys I found yesterday and I feel fine about that. I have not yet been tempted to take them. Maybe I’m playing with fire or kidding myself by keeping them around. I’m going to need to make some changes to my business - I don’t want to keep scheduling so many clients whether I’m in withdrawals or completely recovered this is bullshit what me on Adderall has done and the expectations it has placed on me work-wise.
  27. Help, sucked into a vyvanse/adderall addiction

    It IS terrifying. You need all the help and support you can get. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Use this site for all its worth. It will help. I just quit on Monday and so far it’s going better than I thought it would and I’ve worked every day this week. I did what I could to lighten my schedule, but it also helped me I think that I needed to get up and go to work and see people. Your life and your kids’ lives without the pills WILL get better and better. You can do it. Don’t quit trying to quit. You’re worth it. I knew I had to go cold turkey because every time I tried to taper I just ended up running my script out early anyway...try not to beat yourself up. You will survive without them.
  28. Day 330 - I am so far down, I don’t even know where to start today. I saw a new therapist this week and it made me feel 100x worse. I never seem to have luck finding one that agrees with me. At one point during the session, the therapist asked if I thought I needed to be hospitalized because my depression is so severe. Da fuck?! This is why we have such a stigma with mental health. Let’s just throw her in the hospital because she is too far gone at this point. Someone else can deal with her. I walked out of that room feeling so defeated and deflated. I regret opening up so much. I’m going to go for another session, but I’m not feeling great about it. At this point in my mental health journey, I wonder if going back on meds would be better. I’d rather be a little crazy and functioning than bedridden, fat and depressed all the time. If anyone feels like messaging me to support me at this time, that would be great. I am struggling now more than ever..especially after the therapy session I had this week. What a mindf*ck.
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