Searchingsoul9

Relapsed, again.

26 posts in this topic

So my therapist sent me 2 text messages a few days ago saying if, 'i need a skript she will write one up for me'

So after like 9 days clean i made the mistake of taking her up on that offer.

I didn't even really want or need it, but my mind went into autopilot and the next thing i know

i am picking up the adderall and popping 60mg.

All i can say is, waste of money, waste of time, and now back to day 1 of recovery.

Got rid of the pills, again.

I didn't enjoy the "high". I felt like a brain dead idiot on it. If anyone thinks they miss the adderall, i am here to remind you that it sucks. All the fun is completely over as far as adderall and i go.

I realize i really and truly am sick and tired of it.

It does nothing good for me, at all.

Plus, the crash is hell-as we all know. And i was much happier the week i was off of it than i was the 3 days i was taking it.

My only issue seems to be the free time i have during the week when classes are over.

Most people that i know of took the adderall for school, but i never did do that. I took it for my days off. To keep occupied. To clean, go shopping, do random shit.

So i need a plan on how to manage my free time and get used to it without a dumb pill.

Also, i stopped doing my workouts when i was taking it. My purple fingers came back right away. As did all the horrible physical side effects. Didn't miss that a bit.

I know 100% that i can get through everything in my life without adderall, and do it better than i would on adderall. But it's like my mind completely forgets how much i hate it when i spend time off of it.

Anyways, just wanted to let you guys know what i've been up to. And to say, back to day 1.

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While you're remembering everything bad adderall brings you, why don't you tell your therapist to never prescribe you again? Chances are you'll forget the adderall hell again, we all are guilty of that at times, and having that open invitation for a script is asking for another relapse. I think a lot of us came to the consensus on this site that cutting off our doctor supply is one of, if not the most important step, in quitting.....assuming you're ready.

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By the way, good for you for being accountable here. I can imagine that was hard to do. Stay strong, my friend!

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By the way, good for you for being accountable here. I can imagine that was hard to do. Stay strong, my friend!

I deleted her number after telling her, once again that i no longer wish to be on the pills and that i would appreciate if she did not offer/allow me to fill any skripts for it.

She never responded.

It was hard to do! I feel like i am the only one who constantly fucks up on here. And that's how i have always been in my daily life.

I make the same mistakes over and over, never learning anything. There are two versions of myself battling it out. The bad and the good. The bad has been winning and each time it wins it gets stronger and i lose a piece of my true self.

If that even makes sense.

I have been an addict in one way or another, with some substance basically my whole life.

And, it's not fun anymore. Not the pills, not the weed, not the excessive drinking.

It's like, grow the fuck up already. Make your situations better so you can really be happy. Stop relying on a quick fix that leaves you worse off than before.

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Nononono. You aren't the only one who fucks up on here. Most people just don't have the balls to come back and own it. This shows that you really want better for yourself. Maybe you just haven't gotten the tools to do so. Have you thought of rehab? I was one phone call away (to my dad) to admitting myself into rehab, before I gave quitting a last ditch effort on my own. I still say to this day, if I fuck up, rehab is where I'm going. If you can't afford it, they have facilities with sliding scale fees that are based on your income. I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug :(

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Nononono. You aren't the only one who fucks up on here. Most people just don't have the balls to come back and own it. This shows that you really want better for yourself. Maybe you just haven't gotten the tools to do so. Have you thought of rehab? I was one phone call away (to my dad) to admitting myself into rehab, before I gave quitting a last ditch effort on my own. I still say to this day, if I fuck up, rehab is where I'm going. If you can't afford it, they have facilities with sliding scale fees that are based on your income. I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug :(

Rehab just would be my absolute last choice. Because sure, it would be easy as pie for me to get clean in rehab. But what about after i am out? And thrown back into reality. And rehab would mean, leaving school and work. And those are the only 2 things that are keeping me sane and helping me realize how badly i need to quit.

Plus, if i beat this addiction on my own i think i could really begin to rebuild my self-esteem, and it would be the biggest accomplishment in my life. I am stubborn for sure, but i REALLY want to do this on my own, with the help of you guys.

I do 100% want to quit. It may not seem like it, since this is my second relapse, but getting a glimpse of life without adderall those 9 days i was off of it...that just made it more clear to me how much better i like life without the pills.

So why did i refill the skript? I don't know. Just because i could, i guess. Just to see if i lowered my tolerance after 9 days, and i did not lower it at all. I was surprised at how ineffective they were. But at the same time, relieved.

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I deleted her number after telling her, once again that i no longer wish to be on the pills and that i would appreciate if she did not offer/allow me to fill any skripts for it.

She never responded.

It was hard to do! I feel like i am the only one who constantly fucks up on here. And that's how i have always been in my daily life.

I make the same mistakes over and over, never learning anything. There are two versions of myself battling it out. The bad and the good. The bad has been winning and each time it wins it gets stronger and i lose a piece of my true self.

If that even makes sense.

I have been an addict in one way or another, with some substance basically my whole life.

And, it's not fun anymore. Not the pills, not the weed, not the excessive drinking.

It's like, grow the fuck up already. Make your situations better so you can really be happy. Stop relying on a quick fix that leaves you worse off than before.

That is good to rid yourself of that shrink. But now you need to replace her with one that is more able to help you with your many addiction issues. You have a binge and purge mentality about food, weed, alcohol, and adderall; likely there are even more of them you haven't discussed on this forum. You are really hard on yourself, but simply creating your own hell by the guilt associated with bingeing and purging and relapsing isn't enough to create change from within. I really think you will continue to struggle with all of these issues until you get to the root cause of why you constantly need to create your own personal hell each time you indulge to excess. Ashley has a good point about considering a treatment program, if you think it would work for you. If not, please find a better counselor who helps solve problems the old fashioned way, with therapy not drugs.

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Nononono. You aren't the only one who fucks up on here. Most people just don't have the balls to come back and own it. This shows that you really want better for yourself. Maybe you just haven't gotten the tools to do so. Have you thought of rehab? I was one phone call away (to my dad) to admitting myself into rehab, before I gave quitting a last ditch effort on my own. I still say to this day, if I fuck up, rehab is where I'm going. If you can't afford it, they have facilities with sliding scale fees that are based on your income. I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug :(

Ashley, that was my approach too and it still is. If I could not quit once, on my own, it was off to rehab for me.

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searchingsoul...great proactive response to your quitting!!! flushing the pills and contacting your doc...but it seems like you have other potential sources out there??

one of the best things to read on here is "i would relapse but i can no longer get any pills, ive told my doc"...can you say you are in that situation yet?

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searchingsoul...great proactive response to your quitting!!! flushing the pills and contacting your doc...but it seems like you have other potential sources out there??

one of the best things to read on here is "i would relapse but i can no longer get any pills, ive told my doc"...can you say you are in that situation yet?

Nope, i have no other possible may to get adderall. Unless i decided to fake my illness to a different shrink and go through the process again, but i honestly don't think i would waste the time/effort in doing that. I don't know anyone that sells any drugs, besides weed. And no way in hell would i go from paying 10 dollars for 60 pills, to paying street price per pill.

Not worth it.

<3

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That is good to rid yourself of that shrink. But now you need to replace her with one that is more able to help you with your many addiction issues. You have a binge and purge mentality about food, weed, alcohol, and adderall; likely there are even more of them you haven't discussed on this forum. You are really hard on yourself, but simply creating your own hell by the guilt associated with bingeing and purging and relapsing isn't enough to create change from within. I really think you will continue to struggle with all of these issues until you get to the root cause of why you constantly need to create your own personal hell each time you indulge to excess. Ashley has a good point about considering a treatment program, if you think it would work for you. If not, please find a better counselor who helps solve problems the old fashioned way, with therapy not drugs.

Yes, i definitely do need to find a new counselor. I was so motivated to find one, then the one i thought was perfect was not covered my insurance and i kind of got disappointed and stopped trying. Not saying my bulimia is cured by any means, but when i was off the pills and not smoking weed, i was not binging and purging. The weed i have no desire for at this point.

Since abusing adderall for so long, i guess it really changed the high i get from weed. I turn into this psychotic paranoid anxious wreck.

And i hate it.

It's like on the adderall i crave alcohol, then i crave weed, then i binge and purge.

But off of it, if i steer clear from weed i tend to crave healthier options.

Anyways, maybe i am silly for thinking that i can do this on my own, but if i don't tell myself that, then i will find a way to justify my drug use until i get a good counselor.

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Nope, i have no other possible may to get adderall. Unless i decided to fake my illness to a different shrink and go through the process again, but i honestly don't think i would waste the time/effort in doing that. I don't know anyone that sells any drugs, besides weed. And no way in hell would i go from paying 10 dollars for 60 pills, to paying street price per pill.

Not worth it.

<3

excellent, good for you!!!

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SearchingSoul -- I love that you came back. I'm not glad you relapsed but reading your post is a major denial-busting experience. Just get yourself back on track!

I totally get the trigger of free time because I struggle with the same problem. I've also gone back to overeaters anonymous to deal with bingeing, which always happens during free time, because I feel so inept at time management and get completely overwhlemed. I just started reading "Understand Your Brain, Get More Done" by Ari Tuckman. (workbook - lol)

Maybe at OA you can get some recs for a decent therapist.

Edit -- I also want to add that I went off ritalin for almost a year a while back, and my tolerance INCREASED! Once you've crossed the line you're never safe...

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<a href=" Searchingsoul9

Hi there baby girlfriend this seems like daysavu we have had this same conversation a few weeks ago what has changed .I was under the assumption that you would find another therapist the one you have is not good for you so why do you keep on going back to her .I am sorry but my intuition is ringing in my head and telling me something is not right here is your therapist a counselor or a shrink .Why am I asking because I never hired of a shrink texting to a patient and vise versa .I believe you where asking for some addarall are you telling me you flushed 3 mounts supply of addarall down the toilet and did not save any for emergency sorry I cant believe that 3 mounts of addarell is a lot of pills sorry for being so sceptical butt you know I have a very strong intuition when it comes to reading Peaple. I think my member friends can contest to that so whats up.1 why is your therapist texting you or are you texting her and she is responding to your request for more addarall. 2 did you really have 3 mounts supply of adderal when you said you flushed them a week ago. 3 why are you still seeing the same therapist we have all come to the conclusion that you need to run away from her and don’t look back. 3 why are you not getting the professional help you need like you said you where going to .4 I believe you are calling out for help by seeking our attention butt we cant help you if you are not willing to make a commitment to stay clean of all subsistence. Baby girl I will plead with you one last time please get the proper professional help you desperately need you are so young and am scared for you. I really do believe with the right therapist and the right shrink you can live a peaceful life of cores you have a lot of recovery time and healing to I know it will not be a walk in the park for you it takes time its not a over night cure its a life long battle butt you need to start somewhere voluntarily because if you don’t make a commitment voluntarily you will be admitted to a hospital not of your on free will so please from all your friends on this web site get the proper help you need and make that commitment to get yourself healthy and clean.

Sincerely a friend who cares about you FALCON

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I feel like i am the only one who constantly fucks up on here. And that's how i have always been in my daily life.

I make the same mistakes over and over, never learning anything. There are two versions of myself battling it out. The bad and the good. The bad has been winning and each time it wins it gets stronger and i lose a piece of my true self.

If that even makes sense.

I have been an addict in one way or another, with some substance basically my whole life.

And, it's not fun anymore. Not the pills, not the weed, not the excessive drinking.

It's like, grow the fuck up already. Make your situations better so you can really be happy. Stop relying on a quick fix that leaves you worse off than before.

Searchingsoul please try not to be so hard on yourself!! Everyone fucks up in some way, and this is a site for quitting and recovery, so......there are lots of people here who relapse, and who have relapsed, again and again.....

It seems like you have the clarity and intention to quit, which is an insight and a desire not everyone even has.... So THAT is a major asset to you, the foresight to carry you into a better future.

Also, addiction is not a healthy pathway as we all know, but I can think of a number of MUCH worse things you could do in this world.....

Congrats on getting rid of those pills AND the dr!!!! <3

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... so help me understand something. Maybe it's in the threads above so I will look through again, but I am really interested in why you really wanted to take the pills during your day off. There is always a trade off, you're a smart, sentient being and you know that you're going to berate yourself and feel shitty during the come down.

Is it that you don't like your own company? That you are afraid of "down time" and feel guilty about not being able to do the "meh" stuff we all need to do? That adderall makes the time go faster? I think it's worth really stopping to think about why it is you go back to the adderall.... what you think it is going to help you do... and ask yourself how to deal with the alternative. Because the alternative sometimes is shitty, it's boring, or challenging, or frightening, or saddening... and I know I am preaching to the converted but the longer you delay the acknowlegement and acceptance of the boring, shitty, unmotivated, or whatever-it-is that you are dealing with, the harder it will be to quit in the long run, because each time you relapse you ruin your own resolve that it can and will get better (or not) on its own. The first step is to really think HARD about WHY you take it. Write down all the reasons. Then think about whether you are going to have to change those reasons, accept them, or forget about them because they really don't matter.

I hope all of that makes sense. It is just such an easy way out to take a pill, but like it is in Kyle's signature, you pay your dues.... evenutally...

We believe in you and by the way, it's very strong of you to post on here. Keep doing it.

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I deleted her number after telling her, once again that i no longer wish to be on the pills and that i would appreciate if she did not offer/allow me to fill any skripts for it.

She never responded.

It was hard to do! I feel like i am the only one who constantly fucks up on here. And that's how i have always been in my daily life.

I make the same mistakes over and over, never learning anything. There are two versions of myself battling it out. The bad and the good. The bad has been winning and each time it wins it gets stronger and i lose a piece of my true self.

If that even makes sense.

I have been an addict in one way or another, with some substance basically my whole life.

And, it's not fun anymore. Not the pills, not the weed, not the excessive drinking.

It's like, grow the fuck up already. Make your situations better so you can really be happy. Stop relying on a quick fix that leaves you worse off than before.

Don't forget that failures think like failures. If you keep beating yourself up, you'll become beaten up!

We all fuck up, all the time.

Remember: http://www.searchquotes.com/sof/images/picture_quotes/63_20120422_214716_quote.jpg

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Your not a fuck up your a lost sheep trying to find its shepherd . I’m sorry for being so tough on you I am frustrated that you are in so much emotional pain and there is nothing I can do about it. I jest want to see that you get the professional health care you need tomorrow is a another day you can start over don’t put yourself down its not fucking up its jest some bad luck and hard times its a fucken rat race we are living in . I have learns the hard way we need to help our self all the drugs and therapist and shrinks out there are jest a tool for us to use thru help and recovery comes from with in us we have the power to defeat our demands you will find your Shepherd soon .

Love THE FALCON

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<a href="http://forum.quittin.../#entry6345">#1 Searchingsoul9

Hi there baby girlfriend this seems like daysavu we have had this same conversation a few weeks ago what has changed .I was under the assumption that you would find another therapist the one you have is not good for you so why do you keep on going back to her .I am sorry but my intuition is ringing in my head and telling me something is not right here is your therapist a counselor or a shrink .Why am I asking because I never hired of a shrink texting to a patient and vise versa .I believe you where asking for some addarall are you telling me you flushed 3 mounts supply of addarall down the toilet and did not save any for emergency sorry I cant believe that 3 mounts of addarell is a lot of pills sorry for being so sceptical butt you know I have a very strong intuition when it comes to reading Peaple. I think my member friends can contest to that so whats up.1 why is your therapist texting you or are you texting her and she is responding to your request for more addarall. 2 did you really have 3 mounts supply of adderal when you said you flushed them a week ago. 3 why are you still seeing the same therapist we have all come to the conclusion that you need to run away from her and don’t look back. 3 why are you not getting the professional help you need like you said you where going to .4 I believe you are calling out for help by seeking our attention butt we cant help you if you are not willing to make a commitment to stay clean of all subsistence. Baby girl I will plead with you one last time please get the proper professional help you desperately need you are so young and am scared for you. I really do believe with the right therapist and the right shrink you can live a peaceful life of cores you have a lot of recovery time and healing to I know it will not be a walk in the park for you it takes time its not a over night cure its a life long battle butt you need to start somewhere voluntarily because if you don’t make a commitment voluntarily you will be admitted to a hospital not of your on free will so please from all your friends on this web site get the proper help you need and make that commitment to get yourself healthy and clean.

Sincerely a friend who cares about you FALCON

You've sincerely pissed me off. You are the only one on here who claims to be able to 'read me like a book'

Exactly what my abuse ex used to tell me. Maybe that's why you piss me off so bad. I am sorry to get angry with you, but let me make this perfectly clear.

Why would i come onto a SELF HELP site with a bunch on strangers and LIE about flushing my pills?! What good does that do me??

I have been completely honest with all of you on here and every time i fuck up, i tell you all. If i was such a liar, why would i have even wasted my time telling you i relapsed? Don't you think i would have pretended i was a ok and kept it moving?

You claim to be able to read people so well, but you don't know the first thing about me. I try to build my confidence up on here, and everyone helps me do that, with the exception of you. They give me constructive criticism, yes. They tell me when i need to get my head out of my ass. But they don't insist that they know me better than i know myself and claim that i am lying about everything i write.

I have said to you COUNTLESS times that I am not seeing this psychiatrist. She is not a talk therapist. She prescribes me pills. Simple as that. I have never heard of a psychiatrist pushing pills either, but i am living proof that it exists.

So fine, continue to make me feel/look like a giant phony and break me down more.

I don't consider any of what you tell me to be constructive. Basically every time you comment on my post it is only one where i have fucked up. You never notice any of the positive. And then you tell me 'politely' that this site is only for people strong enough to do it on their own, AKA not ME!

Thanks,

A friend you've really made mad.

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Searchingsoul please try not to be so hard on yourself!! Everyone fucks up in some way, and this is a site for quitting and recovery, so......there are lots of people here who relapse, and who have relapsed, again and again.....

It seems like you have the clarity and intention to quit, which is an insight and a desire not everyone even has.... So THAT is a major asset to you, the foresight to carry you into a better future.

Also, addiction is not a healthy pathway as we all know, but I can think of a number of MUCH worse things you could do in this world.....

Congrats on getting rid of those pills AND the dr!!!! <3

Thank you<3 You really help me more than i could even explain girl!!!!!! Seriously

xoxox

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... so help me understand something. Maybe it's in the threads above so I will look through again, but I am really interested in why you really wanted to take the pills during your day off. There is always a trade off, you're a smart, sentient being and you know that you're going to berate yourself and feel shitty during the come down.

Is it that you don't like your own company? That you are afraid of "down time" and feel guilty about not being able to do the "meh" stuff we all need to do? That adderall makes the time go faster? I think it's worth really stopping to think about why it is you go back to the adderall.... what you think it is going to help you do... and ask yourself how to deal with the alternative. Because the alternative sometimes is shitty, it's boring, or challenging, or frightening, or saddening... and I know I am preaching to the converted but the longer you delay the acknowlegement and acceptance of the boring, shitty, unmotivated, or whatever-it-is that you are dealing with, the harder it will be to quit in the long run, because each time you relapse you ruin your own resolve that it can and will get better (or not) on its own. The first step is to really think HARD about WHY you take it. Write down all the reasons. Then think about whether you are going to have to change those reasons, accept them, or forget about them because they really don't matter.

I hope all of that makes sense. It is just such an easy way out to take a pill, but like it is in Kyle's signature, you pay your dues.... evenutally...

We believe in you and by the way, it's very strong of you to post on here. Keep doing it.

Good question. I think it is because i have never been able to deal with downtime. Downtime was always either spent with friends smoking, drinking, etc. Or spent with myself, eating, being lazy. I never, ever enjoyed downtime and adderall make it enjoyable. Made me want to do "fun shit" like clean lol. I guess it just helped pass the time really. Then i got hooked on productivity. And when i am not being productive, i just feel like i am wasting time. I don't know.

It's totally unjustified. There is nothing wrong with being lazy sometimes, i know this. And you make a good point. I will write down the reasons i believe free time is such a trigger.

Thanks for the insight xoxoxox

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VERY GOOD POINT. I like that a lot girl. Seriously, i am going to put that in my room somewhere, thanks!!!

It's my phone screensaver, I love that quote. Makes life more forgiving. Or something.

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Your not a fuck up your a lost sheep trying to find its shepherd . I’m sorry for being so tough on you I am frustrated that you are in so much emotional pain and there is nothing I can do about it. I jest want to see that you get the professional health care you need tomorrow is a another day you can start over don’t put yourself down its not fucking up its jest some bad luck and hard times its a fucken rat race we are living in . I have learns the hard way we need to help our self all the drugs and therapist and shrinks out there are jest a tool for us to use thru help and recovery comes from with in us we have the power to defeat our demands you will find your Shepherd soon .

Love THE FALCON

Falcon, I am sorry i lashed out on you like that. Although, i do not take back what i said, i do apologize for how i phrased it. I let my anger take over. I don't like to argue and i don't like confrontation, but i just feel like you think i am a hopeless, lost, stupid, little girl who can't do it on her own. And i am here to prove you wrong.

Not because i don't like you, but because i want to prove myself wrong as well.

Thanks for caring, although you show it in a way i am not used to.

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It's my phone screensaver, I love that quote. Makes life more forgiving. Or something.

Got any other good ones? Gives me an idea. May start a post with some great quotes i have found. Thanks lovely

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