Something I wanted to share.

[Kelly23]

I can tell my story later, but in short I've been addicted to adderall since I was 13. Taking it on and off at some points and now I'm back to full blown dependency. I guess, I just wanted to share this. It's kinda of like a letter a wrote to adderall a few minutes ago. Nothing special, just not in the best mood right now and really thinking about things. Thanks for reading, hope you like it.

You have me right where you want me, I'm back to where I always am when you're in control.

Still up at six in the morning.

Thinking, writing, singing, cleaning.

I can't help but feel anything other than helpless.

I'm entirely in a love/hate relationship with how I feel right now.

This is what it always comes down to and it will never be any different.

Putting all of my energy into usually pointless tasks.

You have such a strong hold on me it absolutely scares me.

Even when I went so long without you in my life, you always found a way back in, even if it was only for a moment.

You could never leave me alone, you were always what I ran to.

Sometimes I convince myself it's okay, but then I reach the point where I'm at right now where I realize who I am and who I have become again.

You make me happy, you make me think, you make me cry, you make me angry, and you make me want to end my life at times.

Why are these hours of completely losing it so worth those first few moments?

Do I convince myself this feeling is good or do I actually enjoy it?

But who could honestly say that they would enjoy this?

Laying here wide awake at six in the morning telling a piece of paper/computer screen how you feel because you're too scared to tell anyone else.

What an awful feeling. An awful feeling I've somehow grown to fall in love with.

You will never know how bad you've hurt me, how bad I want you to go away.

But I never want you to go away, I want to have you forever, and I don't want to imagine my life without you.

You are my worst enemy, and you are my everything.

Nothing could ever compare to you, and you know it.

That's why I always come back to you.

But when does this cycle come to an end? Will I even be alive to see the ending?

What will it take for me to get rid of you one last time?

Will I ever have the strength to tell you goodbye?

How much longer can this go on for?

What is my breaking point?

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, but I know I'm just crazy for you.

[ldmcniel]

That was a great letter. It perfectly describes how Adderall can take over your life. I have felt that way on many occasions. I am so sorry that you had to become an "addict" at such a young age. You were at an age in which you did not have a say nor could you control what was given to you. I have had "ADHD" all of my life, but my dad did not take us to the doctor much as a child and he would have NOT agreed to put me on medications. I started Adderall on my own, at age 36. Not sure why I chose to start it when I had lived my whole life without it. I graduated from college with a 3.97 GPA. I didn't take notes or study hard, but I had found my own way of learning. I have had 1 relapse already and I am on day 10 maybe? Actually I originally came to this site last summer, but could not and did not feel like I was ready to quit. Now it has affected my health, my marriage, and the way I interact with my children. I am glad to see that some people on here have sought help when they are still young. I know that at 38 years old, it's hard because of my busy and hectic life I justified my use/abuse of Adderall. I was just lying to myself and others. I wish you the best of luck.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

That was a great letter. It perfectly describes how Adderall can take over your life. I have felt that way on many occasions. I am so sorry that you had to become an "addict" at such a young age. You were at an age in which you did not have a say nor could you control what was given to you. I have had "ADHD" all of my life, but my dad did not take us to the doctor much as a child and he would have NOT agreed to put me on medications. I started Adderall on my own, at age 36. Not sure why I chose to start it when I had lived my whole life without it. I graduated from college with a 3.97 GPA. I didn't take notes or study hard, but I had found my own way of learning. I have had 1 relapse already and I am on day 10 maybe? Actually I originally came to this site last summer, but could not and did not feel like I was ready to quit. Now it has affected my health, my marriage, and the way I interact with my children. I am glad to see that some people on here have sought help when they are still young. I know that at 38 years old, it's hard because of my busy and hectic life I justified my use/abuse of Adderall. I was just lying to myself and others. I wish you the best of luck.

That's a really nice note ldmcniel. Stay strong. Relapse is part of recovery, so keep looking forward and you are making it, a day at a time!