ddw5053 Posted February 24, 2013 Report Share Posted February 24, 2013 First off thank you to whoever made this cite for showing me there are people out there just like me with the same symptoms of this evil drug. I have been in a constant loop of battle and struggles with this drug to the point I feel I have no identity half of the time on or off the drug. This cite however has already showed me I’m not the only one and these symptoms are normal. I was reluctant at first but I feel its good to share my story and keep driving into my head what this drug has done to me. I am 23 now and have been on it since 8th grade knowing deep down this has been a long time coming. I feel the main reason I have not been able to completely let go is for 1)People close to me take it, 2)The pressure of not graduating college in disbelief that I am not smart without it. I have tried quitting so many different times and have been very close. I went about seven months at 19 without taking one pill and those were the most lively and more human I can remember since pre-adderall. However the one area of my life I still cannot fulfill is studying. I know deep down the feeling I had once had in eight grade when this drug worked at its best. I felt invincible like I could be anything I wanted. I could exceed in school, sports, feel calm, cool and collected. It worked so well I literally felt like a cheater but I loved it at the same time. That being said I only allow myself to study productively when Im on mad adderall. I say “mad†because in the last two years its gotten out of control. I always say this time Im gonna be responsible and take the correct dosage. But that never works because even when I take say 2 15 mgs a day (my dosage) Im still unhappy and feel unfilled, unhuman. So then I rationalize to myself well Im gonna take a shitload of adderall to study just this one night which turns into a week of studying, not sleeping, not eating, zombied the f**k out. But again I tell myself well I need to get off of it anyway so Im just gonna finish this last bottle and then Im done. Well here I am again trying to quit, its been about two weeks now and doing well and really hope this is the last time. I dont even tell my parents, or friends because I sound like a broken record. Honestly I feel thats a jinx anymore because then Im discourgaged knowing they know how many times Ive said that and failed. This time I’m keeping it to myself. Im hoping they see the knew me and in time, I will show people Im done with that adderall dependent person with no confidence or certainity in life. My biggest fears are the same as a lot of people is that I’m unsure about the next day. I go to school at VTech and although I force myself to go to the gym and library and other places I still feel fake half of the time. Im hoping I reach some revelation or breakthrough at some point and at least feel like Im the same person every night before bed. What I’m realizing is this is a long process (one which Im familiar with) but I need to do some things differently. For one Im going to constantly remind myself what true happiness is… I believe your truly happy when your becoming the person your meant to be. Anyone who relies on adderall will NEVER be the person they are meant to be. Adderall makes me feel like I need it to succeed & forgets about the connection I should have with myself. It makes me forget that whatever I do in life is there forever!! Not for that night or however long my adderall binge lasts before I crash. When Im adderall Im so focused on getting an A on that test, or doing well on a project, thinking thats what I need in my life to be happy. Thats why everything sucks is because Im still not getting good grades. Well I realize now thats not it. I need a transformation, a different perspective on what the meaning of life is. The meaning of life is not to get what you want. Its to become the PERSON YOU WERE MEANT TO BE!!! Thats what will make you truly happy. And yea it sucks Im still not confident in school like I feel I should be without adderall, but at least Im on the path thats going to lead to my destiny. My destiny where Im in control and I can choose the decisions my heart truly feels. Good riddance adderall youve wasted enough my life & Im not gonna be a victim anymore 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazzy7 Posted February 25, 2013 Report Share Posted February 25, 2013 Can relate so much with you about the number of times you've tried to quit but failed, but I don't think under any circumstance you should not tell anyone. I have done this so many times and it really is doubt because if you do fail again you don want anybody to be disappointed in you. You need to have that a accountability to someone, it is very important. I am going 14 days since I've quit and I am sure things the last time. For so long I tried to quit over and over again and never would say anything for the same reasons, I didn't really believe I could do it. But now I've finally asked for help. I've started to go to therapy and I've told my boyfriend. When I told my boyfriend he was sooo upset because he thought I quit already because the last time I quit I failed to tell him I started using again. I read him the how to help a friend to quit and it hit home for him. He is so supportive of me right now and it makes a huge difference. He understands that I am going through withdrawals and is helping in any way he can with large tasks, an is just understanding that I am going to need to lay and bed all day and why the apartment is a mess and why I'm eating so much! It's important not to do this alone is all I'm saying! You can do it! Don't give up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazzy7 Posted February 25, 2013 Report Share Posted February 25, 2013 Sorry for the typos I am on my phone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ddw5053 Posted March 1, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2013 Thank you for the response and its okay for the typos . I see where your coming from with the whole transition you take from being on adderall to getting off of it and the benefits of telling people around you for support. However for me its a bit more complicated because alot of the people around me probably still think I need it even after all the bad shit its made me do. Ive told them about it too so they know and even my best friend says just take a little of it. Its not there fault some people just dont understand especially those who have never been dependent on it for so long. I have told my mom because she if supportive of me getting off of it, but like my dad is different because hes all about school and grades and he cant relate to the bad shit it makes me do. Anyways so many people talk about being physically different, tired, and all that stuff but for me thats not it. I got to school at Tech so cant afford to just sit at home and be like damn this sucks being off adderall (if I was home I would probably be way more lazy). But I have still trained myself to go to the gym, library, and class but still don't feel different. I think its because Im still scared Im gonna go back especially with the pressure of finishing school & how much work I still have to do. Its like my brain is saying yea but you still have so much schoool work left so how are you never gonna not take it again. I feel once I completely realize I have the control to never take that again I will feel like myself. So basically its a mental thing with me. I can go to the gym, workout, and still be physically motivated, but my mind is like no mans land it sucks. I used to be mad social but anymore when I go out and say play basketball I still feel like everyones looking at me or know about my adderall probelms. Anyways thanks for your advice and feedback I appreciate it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cat Posted March 1, 2013 Report Share Posted March 1, 2013 That being said I only allow myself to study productively when Im on mad adderall. I say “mad†because in the last two years its gotten out of control. I always say this time Im gonna be responsible and take the correct dosage. But that never works because even when I take say 2 15 mgs a day (my dosage) Im still unhappy and feel unfilled, unhuman. So then I rationalize to myself well Im gonna take a shitload of adderall to study just this one night which turns into a week of studying, not sleeping, not eating, zombied the f**k out. But again I tell myself well I need to get off of it anyway so Im just gonna finish this last bottle and then Im done. That's exactly how I felt during the last part of my usage. If I took one Vyvanse (my dose) I would feel as you described, unhappy and unfulfilled, and then justify taking a second to make the most of the day and actually try to get some enjoyment. That's when I would start to feel inhuman. Congrats on quitting while in college. I am grateful that I graduated college right before the adderall craze really kicked into high gear. It seems like an unreal amount of pressure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ddw5053 Posted March 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 That's exactly how I felt during the last part of my usage. If I took one Vyvanse (my dose) I would feel as you described, unhappy and unfulfilled, and then justify taking a second to make the most of the day and actually try to get some enjoyment. That's when I would start to feel inhuman. Congrats on quitting while in college. I am grateful that I graduated college right before the adderall craze really kicked into high gear. It seems like an unreal amount of pressure. Thanks alot. Yea it def it, especially when alot of your friends are finishing college this year and your still behind because of adderall. But oh well live and learn. 5 years froms now it wont matter when I finished as long as I finish and did without abusing adderall Im sure. Thanks for your feedback Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ddw5053 Posted March 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 That's exactly how I felt during the last part of my usage. If I took one Vyvanse (my dose) I would feel as you described, unhappy and unfulfilled, and then justify taking a second to make the most of the day and actually try to get some enjoyment. That's when I would start to feel inhuman. Congrats on quitting while in college. I am grateful that I graduated college right before the adderall craze really kicked into high gear. It seems like an unreal amount of pressure. And absolutely about the vyvane I have a friend whos prescribed and it gave me the same exact feelings like you take one more to feel happy after that first pop or for me sometimes after 4 or 5 pills throughout the day... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted March 2, 2013 Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 Ddw, I can totally relate to you regarding finishing college and being addicted to this shit. I let my abuse get so bad, that I didn't graduate....and I hid it from everyone for years, then abused more from the guilt. Learn from my mistakes. I'm 28 and finishing college now, because I was too messed up to do it back then. You CAN do it without it, and in fact, might work in your favor to do it adderall-free....all the best! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ddw5053 Posted March 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 Well good for you for going back I feel the same way for kids who are probably 18 and starting to go through this shit. I want to tell them all quit now and it will be alot easier. My sister is 24 and takes adderall too & has more problems than me with this shit and shes in complete denial its the adderall. I honestly feel even if I drop out of school and have to return at 28 I will still be alot happier than if I stay on this shit any longer (even if I did finish school). But hopefully I can pull through I have so many people expecting me to finally finish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ddw5053 Posted March 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 Ddw, I can totally relate to you regarding finishing college and being addicted to this shit. I let my abuse get so bad, that I didn't graduate....and I hid it from everyone for years, then abused more from the guilt. Learn from my mistakes. I'm 28 and finishing college now, because I was too messed up to do it back then. You CAN do it without it, and in fact, might work in your favor to do it adderall-free....all the best! Well good for you for going back I feel the same way for kids who are probably 18 and starting to go through this shit. I want to tell them all quit now and it will be alot easier. My sister is 24 and takes adderall too & has more problems than me with this shit and shes in complete denial its the adderall. I honestly feel even if I drop out of school and have to return at 28 I will still be alot happier than if I stay on this shit any longer (even if I did finish school). But hopefully I can pull through I have so many people expecting me to finally finish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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