Jazzy7

17 Days So Far... This Is My Story

13 posts in this topic

It's only been 17 days since I've stopped using Adderall. I've quit over twenty times before now, but this time I know that I am finished with Adderall for good. I am entering the world as myself, and that is incredibly scary. I'm feeling like a complete mess- so lazy and unmotivated, with piles of things to do everywhere. Every day is a little easier. I am learning to take tasks one by one. I’ve realized how boring cleaning actually is haha. I have just sort of accepted that this who I am and this is what I am going to need to go through to get better, but I truly wonder if I ever really will get "better." Yes I don't feel as a tired as I did the first seven or eight days into it, but I still just feel so far from being who I have known for so long, the girl that I have come to know on Adderall.

My story is not a whole lot different from any of yours. I am so happy to have found this website, for the longest time I have known that I have a problem with Adderall and that I am addicted, yet any place that I would go for help I would find myself fully able to connect with the other types of drug addictions out there. I used Adderall as a way to be more successful. At first with very good intentions, actually probably the whole duration of the time I used Adderall was for good intentions.

I am now a physical education teacher and only 28 years old. My user name: wouldn't have known, comes from the fact that hardly anyone in my life knew, with the exception of my sister who also uses, my therapist and my doctor(s); mostly because I hid it from the world. I started using in high school, when a friend in my class offered it to me. I refused it several times because I was not one to use drugs and swore to myself that I never would, but after his explanation that it would help me in school, and that it was unlike other drugs, I finally gave in. He was so right. It was amazing, euphoric. I remember going to Chemistry, a class that I absolutely dreaded and for the first time everything made sense. I asked my friend for more Adderall, before I knew it I received a 103 on my Chemistry exam, the second highest score in the class was a 73. It felt absolutely amazing to feel smart and capable. I thrived off of this feeling. I found several ways to get it from friends to get me through the last year of high school and eventually went to my doctor to make my plea for ADHD.

From the time I went on the medication, I achieved straight A's in all of my classes. I also used the drug to get my self into amazing shape physically. I finished college with my master's degree quicker then most of my peers and settled into my current career as a physical education teacher. I also coach cheerleading and gymnastics, I am a snowboarding instructor, and I started a summer camp. I do so much!

Up until this moment, you are probably reading this and wandering so what was the big deal? And for most people, this is the, “me†they know, because this is the, “me†they see. Even me, after writing that, I am looking back and only seeing the positive at this moment. The truth is, through all of this, I almost killed myself several times on accident. Even found myself in the hospital more than a handful of times, nearly overdosing on Adderall trying to handle the high levels of stress that the Adderall brought into my life. In the hospital I claimed taking too much was an accident. It scared me, but I did not stop. This was a true indication of addiction. Several times, I felt my heart skip a few beats or start beating over 120 beats per minute at rest. I would feel my toes and hands tingle, I really feared having a stroke or heart attack and think it was very close to being my reality.

I never was able to use the drug as prescribed; I always tried to when I got that new script at the beginning of the month. I had intentions of doing it that way. I would say to myself, if I just used the drug as prescribed I would be fine. I would go maybe a day or two and as soon as that next big task presented itself, down went the pills, taking 60-100mg at a time, several times a day and at some points during my addiction even more. Leaving myself running out 10-15 days early. I think I even went through a whole months worth in less then a week once. As you all know the doctors will not fill the script this early. I'd have to go through this painful process of withdrawal every month. I would try to find friends who had Adderall or anything I could get my hands on through this time period to try to feel better. I remember scavenging through my drawers, and bags hoping just somewhere I could find any little pill that could give me relief. I remember even licking the little case I kept my Adderall pills in... pathetic.

Not only the damage that I knew I was doing to my body, I hated how Adderall made me lose a big piece of who I was while I was on it. I think that it was maybe the withdrawal period that allowed me to recognize this. After the initial strong withdrawal symptoms started to fade, I started to feel alive again, me again. That day that script came in, I would take that pill so eager and excited but then quickly realize, I was not the fun loving, patient, and easy going person that I am naturally. Rather... I am overly focused, uptight, easily irritated, and unable to connect with others emotionally. I never really had the need for friendship or socializing while on the Adderall- whatever task I needed to do at the moment always took priority, I rarely answered my phone, never responded to texts, and never made time for the people I love. I've lost so many friends, damaged relationships with family members, and lost a few people that I really loved, including the biggest loss of my life, my father who passed away from his own addiction problems 11 months ago. This I will come back to in some other post some other time.

Just wanted to share with all of you my story because I have connected with all of your stories so much. There is so much more to it but this where I am at for now.

I am clean 17 days and going strong with no intentions of ever going back on the medicine. I have told my therapist and my boyfriend for accountability. I have also thrown away my pills, told my sister so that she knows that I don’t want to be around it and what I am going through and even told my doctor. I am actually on my way to the doctors right now for a physical to check all my blood work and to see where I am health wise after all of this damage that I have done to my body. Good luck to everyone and let me know if there’s anyway I can help any of you succeed at quitting too.

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Good job Wouldn't Have Known! Both in quitting and in the steps you've taken for accountability. I relate to your story so much - especially the part about going through your script in a week (me too), withdrawal, damaged relationships, the whole nine. I am also so sorry about your father. Welcome to the forums, keep reading and keep posting. You will find a lot of support here.

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Welcome, and congratulations on the beginning of the journey for your recovery to health and life without adderall. I'm sure you will find people here to be helpful and supportive as you go through the process. It sounds like you've done all the things at this moment you need to to get the help and support you need at least in these early days. Are you working full time throughout this period? How will you manage that - most people find the first couple of months really tough, especially those that were on a high dose...

Congrats again, and welcome!

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I am happy that you found this site. I know I felt so alone and isolated during my Adderall fog. I found this site and realized that I was not the only one that has gone through this addiction. The rest of the world doesn't seem to understand or even believe that this drug can kill your soul. The people that have come to this site do understand. They are very helpful and caring. They may be brutally honest but I feel that helps you wake up to reality and it gives you the strength to overcome this addiction. Congrats on staying clean and wanting to get back to being yourself.

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Thanks for all the responses. I already feel more supported then I have in a long time. It's nice to know people can connect and relate to what I am going through.

As far as if I am working or not... yes I am. Luckily, I am a teacher and had school vacation this week, which was really nice. I did a whole lot of nothing. I am worried about going back though. In addition to teaching I also run a gymnastics program after school and give snowboarding lessons on the weekends. I am feeling very anxious about planning a new unit and really do not feel ready to go back but don't really have a choice. I already feel like I am a much different teacher- I don't have a whole lot planned for my next unit and it starts tomorrow. :o I did however make it through the first two weeks of quitting and still managed to go to school every day and follow through with all my commitments. I feel like if I could do that, then I could do anything, it just feels overwhelming. I find too that the anxiety of it all seems to be worse then what it actually is.

By the way for anyone who read my first post- I don't recommend going back to the doctor even if it's to tell them you are done with the medication. I got offered three times to go back on it, if being off of it doesn't work out. I'm glad I'm strong- I didn't want to tell her I had addiction problems but I made it clear that adderall was not the best choice for me and that I won't be going back on it. Also, the whole experience of being at the doctor is filled with triggers- the smells, the sounds, the sights... everything.... and I got a cold which I blame on being there too :angry:

Anyway- day 21 today! Can't believe it! Withdrawals are getting better, slowly but still about to go crawl back into bed and cuddle with my pup and watch some netflix!

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By the way for anyone who read my first post- I don't recommend going back to the doctor even if it's to tell them you are done with the medication. I got offered three times to go back on it, if being off of it doesn't work out. I'm glad I'm strong- I didn't want to tell her I had addiction problems but I made it clear that adderall was not the best choice for me and that I won't be going back on it. Also, the whole experience of being at the doctor is filled with triggers- the smells, the sounds, the sights... everything.... and I got a cold which I blame on being there too :angry:

Anyway- day 21 today! Can't believe it! Withdrawals are getting better, slowly but still about to go crawl back into bed and cuddle with my pup and watch some netflix!

Absloutely true about going back to the doctor to tell them you quit. It is bad for their business if you quit so you will be encouraged to get right back on it and they will extend an open invitation for adderall-on-demand. My doctor told me the exact same thing. And that office is full of triggers.

Congratulations for three weeks! By the way that last post sounded, YOU GOT THIS! You now own your quit and are fully engaged in the journey of recovery from this awful addiction. There will be ups and downs and curves in the road, but as long as you keep moving forward in recovery you will conquer this addiction for good.

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Your story gives me hope. I lost a friend recently as well. One of my best friends, and because adderall made me so reclusive, that says a lot, and I'm having a bad time with guilt. The withdrawal mood swings make all of this seem like the worst time ever. Congratulations on staying strong and keep posting, cuz knowing how others are coping with all these aspects I've got kicking helps a lot.

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You're doing so great! You're almost a whole month off of this cr*p. As for the teaching stuff; you said you're a bit worried because you don't have stuff as planned as on adderall, but I think the students will learn MORE from the non-tweaked you. They'll be able to relate to you and your normal energy.

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You probably won't be as snappy too? I give you kudos for teaching in general. It takes a special type of individual to tackle that spot. You'll be great. Tired for a little, but you'll feel better and they'll be better for having you fully present :)

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Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to check in and say that I am almost 3 months clean- I am at 76 days. The reason that I wanted to post is for all of the people who are thinking about quitting or are just in the beginning of your recovery. Because I remember feeling so scared in the beginning, wandering if it would ever be better, and wandering what life would be like off of adderall. I want you to know it gets better! So much better. I am so... happy now- that is the best way to explain in. I feel like I am finally free of the constraints adderall had on my life- I am free of the withdrawals. I have energy, I feel alive. I am able to connect and laugh again- my sense of humor is the biggest thing I have back that I felt that I lost. Connecting with people even on the smallest level- has had a tremendous impact on my happiness. I feel like a better teacher, a better friend, a better sister, daughter, neighbor, just an all around better person. I am able to see that the world is full of sensations and excitements, and I have the courage to move forward.

Month One:

At first during the first month or so it was hard. Really hard- I barely wanted to get out of bed, literally spent so much time just sleepy and doing nothing. I ate soooo much and gained about twenty pounds, and I really slacked off at work. But I had the support of my boyfriend and the help of my therapist to get through the really hard times. Even with my boyfriends support he would get bummed out that I wouldn't want to do anything and he feared I would never get better. I let so many people down at work. My lesson plans were absolutely terrible- I pretty much just came up with it that day. My self esteem took a big hit. I was so scared that I would never be normal again. The withdrawals were terrible. I didn't want to go out or get dressed up because none of my clothes fit.

The Turn Around...

One day, when I was feeling my lowest- I came on here and posted about how terrible I was feeling. Within a few hours quite a few people wrote back. Having the support of this website really helped me during this tough time. So don't be afraid to ask for help! One of the things someone said was to focus on the the things that make me happy. I went out and bought a journal- and started really working on my self-esteem and addressing the issues that were making me feel so low. I made a self esteem collage, and just started journaling the positive changes I was seeing in myself.

The focus of my journal was based on 4 things:

  • Self-Acceptance
  • Love
  • Value
  • Esteem.

Focusing on these things helped me to change my perspective. These are the things I got out of it:

  • Always be the one person who accepts yourself unconditionally- even on your worst days.
  • Loving yourself is the only way to make your loved ones feel loved.
  • Loving and accepting yourself helps with weight loss.
  • Accepting yourself aligns you with truth. Truth is what heals, and what lets you be the unique person you were meant to be.

Month Two

I started to realize that not only could I live without adderall but that I could do things a million times better than I could on adderall. I have been able to get so much accomplished, been able to be a better teacher. I've totally cleaned and decluttered my life (my car, my office, my apartment) for a fresh start and to destress and make my life more simple so my ADD mind can know where everything is. I also threw away all of the things that stirred up negative emotions of my past and replaced those things with reminders of what makes me happy such has pictures of the people I love, or special memories. I also got caught up with all my finances, and work. I actually am ahead of the game and have the next couple of weeks planned for what I am going to teach.

Now...

I am really really proud of myself for so many reasons, and I feel like my life is completely on track. I can't say I have the energy that I had while I was on adderall, but I kind of don't want it. I don't want to be tweaked out all the time. I have natural energy now- and it some ways more energy because I am actually nourishing my body and getting so much rest (maybe too much). I also have quit some of the extracurricular activities I had to just free up some more time for rest and relaxation and just plain me time. I had SO much going on (like 4 jobs) while I was on adderall and my non-adderall self just could not keep up.

My next step is to improve my health and start losing the weight that I have gained from quitting, the way that I have been able to improve everything else. I just went grocery shopping yesterday and bough a ton of healthy food so I don't have any comfort/junk food in the house. I don't have the energy the way that I used to, but I know that I can do it. I will also be running a 10K on Sunday in honor of my dad (who died last year). I know how to do this and I am ready.

The best part is that I've started to lose track of the days because I'm starting to forget what adderall was like, its crazy but true. I don't miss it, I don't want it. I'm better without it. I'm happier without it, because I am.. ME.

Good luck to all of you out there going through your journey. You can do it!

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It's great to see so many positive things for you. Twisted really, but I just got soooooo much comfort from the fact that you gained 20lbs! Not like a bwhahahaha, but more of a yeeeeaaahh saaaamme heeeeere..... I've gained a good 15 since quitting entirely and the tapering had already started packing on a bit of weight. I'm 2 day I think from the 1 month mark and nothing fits. I bought new pants...and cried. So it does get better?! You sound great. Thank you for sharing and keep posting because the familiarity of your story so far and the positivity with which you face it gives me hope.

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I had quit round Xmas last year..if you were to pull posts from then...yup.."fuckin scale" pops up alot. I'm 5'6...have always been a hair below what a chart would say to weigh..usually avg. 120- 125. When I was in crazy use mode and waitressing full time ...I dropped to 100. NOT GOOD!!! had to see a doctor for supplement drinks to go with eating. But now I leveled ...you will too..you're body finds its middle ground..I'm good right now..but I haven't been in the quit long yet either. So yeah,"oh my godddd Becky "..oh yeahh,when I was posting with the ladies on here about my wide glide ass...quit once posted the baby got back video to jam too. Lol

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My other half loves mah new curves, eeeer so he says. I doubt he'd tell me even if he didn't for fear of decapitation. >:D I know it'll level out. I just need reminders I won't always be soooo squishy?

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