Beautiful Disaster </3

Anxiety/Easily Frustrated

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Hey everyone,

I posted in here a while back when I wasn't fully committed to quitting... I stopped taking adderall for a few days. Then a few weeks later quit for about a week and a half. It's been about a month or two since my last "attempt" to quit.

This last time when I stopped for a week and a half, after the first few days of just feeling kinda tired/loopy, I noticed that I was getting frustrated very easily and that my anxiety/feeling easily annoyed was pretty high as well.

I have quite a few reasons why I am a little nervous about quitting, but my reasons for quitting far outweigh why I should keep taking it. (Even though, of course, I find myself always coming back to it.)

But anyway, I am wondering if anyone else encountered this issue and what you did about it. I always eat healthy foods and exercise regularly and continued to do so the last time I quit (even though getting to the gym felt like pulling teeth!) Is this something that will go away in a few weeks?? Before taking adderall I would get easily frustrated/agitated, but don't think it was quite as regularly as it was this last time I quit.

Thanks in advanced for the responses and congrats to all of you who have quit- your stories are so incredibly inspiring! Thanks for making me feel like it IS possible!!

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I have quite a few reasons why I am a little nervous about quitting, but my reasons for quitting far outweigh why I should keep taking it. (Even though, of course, I find myself always coming back to it.)

How about sharing those reasons.....the reasons you are quitting, the reasons you are nervous about quitting, the reasons why you want to keep taking it and the reasons you keek coming back to it?

If you were easily agitated or frustrated before you evan began taking adderall, you really can't hope for a better outcome after you have quit and recovered. I know what you mean. Adderall gave me the patience of a saint. I was training a puppy and never lost my temper and never hit her. I yelled at my dog a few times after I quit. You have never really given your recovery a chance to take hold. The first few months are hell and you should expect it to be difficult...but well worth it after you have been off it long enough to experience life free from an addiction, again.

How about sharing those reasons with us?

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This is taken from my first post in this forum:

Basically, this is what adderall does to me and why I want to quit:

1- It makes my sense of humor almost disappear

2- It gives me anxiety about my heart/health

3- I get upper back aches ... I think from staying so tense all day and standing a lot

4- It makes me workout less intensely (because of my worry about my heart) and I think I just get tired/worn out easier when I workout while on adderall (Idk if this is with everyone, or just me)

5- It makes me less inclined to play the guitar

6- I am unable to write as well as I used to

7- I come up with plenty of "ideas" but am just a lot less creative than I used to be... I do a lot of arts and crafts, but am more interested in organizing them than actually doing them and creating things.

8- I want to be drug-free and not have anything in my system

9- I think it has caused me to be depressed... I was on depression medication along with adderall for about 1.5 of the 2.5 years that I have been taking it

10- I don't think I can take it successfully without abusing it

11- I don't want to take it forever and don't want to be taking it whenever I plan on getting pregnant and having children (probably within the next few years)

12- Not only does it give me anxiety about my heart/health, but it also actually causes heart palpitations which is scary

This is why I like it and am scared about quitting:

1- I cannot seem to "wake up" fully without it

2- I basically go back to being bulimic when I do not take it

3- I am about to start a new job that requires a lot of self-motivation, and fear that I will not find the motivation without it

4- I am almost too carefree without it and don't take anything seriously

5- I don't feel like I am a "grown up" when I'm not on it (although I am 24)

6- I want to be able to focus on work and getting things done, but naturally am not inclined to be that way... unless I take adderall

7- Within the next few years I want to open my own business... is this possible without adderall?!

8- I live with my boyfriend, and we have a lot of conflict when I do not stay clean and organized... I want to keep the house clean to avoid unnecessary problems

^most of those are still true... Although I did see my doctor again who referred me to a cardiologist and we discovered that the heart palpitations are actually caused by hormones... Weirdly enough.

I have also learned lately that sometimes things in life are tough and you just have to do certain things and deal with it... Like when I took the adderall break this last time I still cleaned my whole house bc I was just like "well, you just have to do it... It won't be fun but just get it done."

My main concern now is the agitation/frustration issue... And also the fact that I will be done with my current job in a month or two and will be job searching again... Just concerned about my motivation when it comes to the job hunt.

I know this is one of those things in life that- if I want to be happier in the long run- I just need to suck it up and quit and deal with it and will eventually reap the benefits. I was just curious if anyone had dealt with the frustration/anxiety issues and had come up with any solutions or ways to handle/deal with it.

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I think bottom line, you gotta give it time.

Your body, mind, soul, brain, chemistry, biology, all your parts- they all need time to clean out, rejuvenate, heal, learn again, acquire new habits, etc etc etc. No pain no gain, you dug the hole, now you gotta climb out. It is going to hurt, maybe a little maybe a lot, that sort of depends on your attitude and the foot work you do to either make it work or scootch along the fence on your ass and make it hurt like hell. You really have to be committed for it to work. Then you put your all into quitting, getting over the hump, and moving the fuck on. If you ride the fence your mind and addiction are going to fuck with you, try and pull you off the fence onto their side to make the agony go away for just one more day.... "I'm gonna kick tomorrow..." .

So. Either use and don't regret it, take the effects with the cause, use it and abuse it and revel in the glory that is adderall, OR decide you have had enough, you want something better, and you are willing to do what it takes to make that happen. It is not going to be easy. Nothing that is worth anything is ever easy. The discomfort you will feel while quitting is a reminder of just how much it has messed with you, how much damage it has caused, and how much repair is going on. So know that it will take time, it will take effort, it will take work on your part, and it will take commitment and struggle and proving you can do it to yourself. You can do it. It does get better. It does get easier. All your fears will be allayed and you too will be able to live a perfectly creative, compassionate, fun, fulfilling, requited life sans adderall. Your soul will bounce back, you will like yourself a hell of a lot more. Just give it time.

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Ps- thank you for such a quick response 😊

I'm still looking for answers to two of the four issues we addressed in your original post. You have very good lists of the likes/dislikes but I think you still have some work to do before quitting.

so, why are you "nervous about quitting"?

and why do you "find yourself always coming back to it"?

I think it's important to seperate these issues so they can be better addressed.

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You have to lower your expectations about recovery time or you are setting yourself up for disappointment. a week and a half is way too short a time to start making any conclusions about you feel. Of course you are going to feel anxiety and frustration and tiredness in a weeks time. Your body adapted to something, and now its been taken away.

I say first, you do everything you can to prevent relapse. that is the biggest priority over EVERYTHING. Even if it means going to rehab or outpatient rehab. sitting at home and doing nothing but watching netflix, sleeping. stress gives us urges so eliminate ALL TRACES of stress from your life. Then it is much easier to stay off of it.

Once you are out of the super danger zone of relapsing, you can work on rebuilding confidence in yourself and deal with lifes stresses without it. For some of us it takes longer others. It took me FOREVER. but im finally in this stage. And Im gratefully clean.

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Beautiful Disaster,

You've written a pretty compelling list. You've thought about it a lot. You've gotten some great advice and further questions. The only thing I'd add is that as you know, there will always, always be a reason to "pop one and get it done". Whether it's cleaning the house or job hunting or doing your taxes etc etc. In other words, the shit will go on in life. Adderall masks that fact by driving us beyond what is normal. Its NORMAL to feel a lack of energy to do tasks we don't want to do. Be sure not to confuse adderall withdrawal/recovery with just the normal rhythm of life.

I did an entire extensive job search by myself while going through withdrawal. It was hard, but the feeling of accomplishment when it was productive and landed me a great job was indescribably rewarding. If I'd been on adderall that whole time I wouldn't have been able to say I did it myself, and I wouldn't feel so great about the me that's inside! It was hard, but rewarding.

One thing that adderall does is it takes away the "hard", but it also takes away (after a while) the "rewarding". It's kind of like cheating. You can get away with it and win the prize but you really can't celebrate because deep down inside you know you're not worthy of the prize.

Anyway, I'm ranting. Just have a think about that. Putting off quitting because life interrupts will be ever-present and pervasive because life never stops. You have to bite the bullet some time!

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One thing that adderall does is it takes away the "hard", but it also takes away (after a while) the "rewarding". It's kind of like cheating. You can get away with it and win the prize but you really can't celebrate because deep down inside you know you're not worthy of the prize.

This is so true. And this is the reason my self-esteem TANKED so badly. It looked like I was a success but i knew I was a fraud and it was only a matter of time before that was discovered.

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One thing that adderall does is it takes away the "hard", but it also takes away (after a while) the "rewarding". It's kind of like cheating. You can get away with it and win the prize but you really can't celebrate because deep down inside you know you're not worthy of the prize.

I respectfully disagree, especially regarding the everyday tasks. Since everything is so apmed up on adderall, even getting your weekly laundry chores done seems like a major accomplishment For me, it wasn't just doing the laundry, it was DOING LAUNDRY! And it took all fucking day, so at the end of the day, even if I didn't get another goddamn thing done, I DID my laundry. And I felt great about it! I think the amped-up sense of accomplishment is what makes an adderall habbit so hard to kick.

And when it comes to the bigger tasks in life, like MFA's job search, or in my case refinancing my home mortgage, You get this false sense of accomplishment that acts as further justification for taking adderall - because when you are using you just can't fathom getting these big things done without being on adderall. After quitting, I have looked back at some of the bigger things I got done and realized I really didn't do them as well as I could do them now. In that case, it really is an amplified false sense of accomplishment that justifies your continued pursuit of the addiction.

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I have to agree with you, quit-once. I see both sides for sure, but when I started abusing adderall, it was holding me back from accomplishing anything worthwhile, but I felt like I was doing so much! That's why adderall is such a manipulative asshole.

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When I first quit, I was scared of being unmotivated and lack of energy too, then it dawned on me, I started taking Adderall to begin with because everyone said I move TOO FAST. I was always told "slow down." I was tired, unmotivated, and I did move slower. My emotions were up and down. I laughed, cried, and screamed, but......I did it!! I still struggle so I take it day by day. I try not to look back and I am closer being back to the real me, only now, I am smarter :). (I still have super ADHD but to me....it is the greatest gift.)

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I get what you all are saying. It makes you feel like you are accomplishing all kinds of stuff like some superstar but really you are accomplishing just regular stuff...like laundry.or organizing piles of paper or researching something on the internet. Big deal. but on adderall you feel like you are on top of the world and doing it all...but really, what are we getting done? Mike has an article somewhere saying we are basically the same as we were before. Its all kind of silly.

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I think what I'm trying to say is that the worst part was feeling like a fraud to myself. Now I could care less if I get the laundry done in a timely manner, as long as I show up @ work (or anywhere) thinking lucidly B)

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I respectfully disagree, especially regarding the everyday tasks. Since everything is so apmed up on adderall, even getting your weekly laundry chores done seems like a major accomplishment For me, it wasn't just doing the laundry, it was DOING LAUNDRY! And it took all fucking day, so at the end of the day, even if I didn't get another goddamn thing done, I DID my laundry. And I felt great about it! I think the amped-up sense of accomplishment is what makes an adderall habbit so hard to kick.

And when it comes to the bigger tasks in life, like MFA's job search, or in my case refinancing my home mortgage, You get this false sense of accomplishment that acts as further justification for taking adderall - because when you are using you just can't fathom getting these big things done without being on adderall. After quitting, I have looked back at some of the bigger things I got done and realized I really didn't do them as well as I could do them now. In that case, it really is an amplified false sense of accomplishment that justifies your continued pursuit of the addiction.

I guess it depends on the person and the circumstance. And how far gone in your addiction you are.

E.g. Doing laundry. Off adderall = would procrastinate, therefore "hard" to get done. On adderall = no procrastination, but absolute perfection required and amount of output and effort invested would turn a simple unenjoyable task in to an almighty accompishment. On adderall, this accomplishment makes you feel worthy of a medal! "LOOK EVERYONE I DID THE LAUNDRY... PERFECTLY!" whereas without adderall you look back on an adderall-fuelled day and think, "what the fuck is so special about laundry that it took me all day", or, even worse, "I can't even do fricken laundry without having to pop a pill?"

On the bigger challenges in life, to me there is a different psychology. And this is where the self confidence piece comes in to play. You never know when you're on adderall how much the drug is to blame/to thank for the outcome of the work you did while high. You never know if it was your actual brilliance that impressed everyone, or the drug was fuelling all the neurons in your prefrontal cortex at the time and it was the adderall talking. For me, this led to a terrible sense of self esteem, and a sense that I literally couldn't do anything good without adderall.

And then the downward spiral begins... you feel unconfident, you take a pill. You take a pill and then you blame yourself for being addicted. You vow to quit but can't, and then you're a failure. And if you try to quit, you enter depression anyway which makes you feel even worse about yourself on top of everything.

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