Serena

9 plus months clean to relapse

35 posts in this topic

And thanks Heather for the commiseration. I kinda cringe when I look back at my misguided sense of priorities.

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I love me some modge podge...and pinterest is an addiction in itself!!! I am on day one Calo..almost thru it anyway. I have laid around on my twin bed most of the day trying to distract my 3 year old..and eating"!! Non stop. I'm uncomfortable and I hate that...but I gotta start again. Everytime I fuck it up,I have to start again. I always and forever will know where to go when I fuck it up...here!!! I laugh and cry like I said...everything is like I wrote it myself. Addies induce a disturbing psuedo contentment in me...at first,then a sick feeling and almost doom like guilt...that's my conscience trying to do battle with the demon so to speak I suppose...a conscience often leads one home eventually. So knock,knock. LOL

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Congrats on day one! Its hard and it will continue to be hard. The ravenous hunger sucks a lot. But, the only thing that keeps me going most times is eventually it will stop working no matter how you wish otherwise. And it damages your entire system, cellular to spiritual, in the process. I try to think of the hungries as my body attempting to get back everything it's been robbed of for ages. Yeah, my sketches look like garbage and my butt keeps getting bigger, but all that will level out. And it'll be really nice then. It'll be nice to wake up and know that it is me who is awake, and not a busted machine with a super combustible engine duct taped to it's rear. :)

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1:00 on day 2...it has to be evil that's trying to excercise itself from ones body and mind when it feels this God damn shitty!! When will I learn. Sorry its kinda dark in here right now..but I think I'm trying vs. Just the fact that I don't have any. I'm not totally sure and that's why I feel this bad. How fucked up is that????

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Heather I'm really proud of you for this above post. I honestly was worried a little time ago when you sounded so peppy so much... Not that we donet love your quirky sense of humor? But the process of early recovery is insanely depleting and it DOES feel dark and kinda endless. It is nice to hear you vulnerable. It shows strength and courage. You have my respect and utmost support. With you all the way... Good luck for day 2! Be gentle with yourself.

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The darkness is there. It sucks but, hell, least you're not sitting in it alone! I'm right there with you. Idk what kind of personality you have entirely buuut what I've been doing and it seems to make me feel better, is whe I get super suuuuper miserable like everything sucks and is shitty and life just draaags and your limbs feel heavy and well you get the idea....roll down off the bed, or couch or whatever surface you near lifeless body was propped on... And flail. I mean roll around like a 3 year old who's been told he's eating nothing but broccoli for the next week, he's got a doctor and dentist appointment in the morning and there's no Santa. Like freak the eff out. Thrash and go bananas. I may be starting to catch glimmers of the old me but the last couple times I did this it gave me the giggles.its nice to say fuck this noise, I don't care about being happy and healthy and blah blah blah, right now life sucks, so nyeh! If it doesn't work then disregard but jussayin' tantrums might help the healing?

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OMG CALO...HYSTERICAL!! That is classic!!! And my personality is definitely a little ummm,left of center.I feel ya on the just wanting to say,"ya know,Fuck it,I'm just gonna act on that emotion..literally, once or twice." In my own little safe place,the confines of my home. And get it the hell out there. Ohhhhh how I know. The early days of this phase...uggghh!! Just drained of all personality,not wanting to even speak an entire sentence,the violent mood swings that accompany the acceptence of all of this...even the laundry detergent I put robotically in the washer,just God damn smells different! !!!! Used the same one for years. WTF! Just trying to not freak on everything at once and get through the next..(fill in the blank ) amount of time. Sometimes it seems minute by minute. No clarity yet...cloudy,very much so. Tomorrow is another day tho,and a new one at that"! Thanks for that post!!

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Noooo problem! I spent the whooole day eating/napping. Mostly napping. But now I can't sleep. Doctor Who is a pretty legit show. Eh who am I kidding, I'm bored as faaaaaack and too tired to do anything but lay here and contemplate what I'm going to eat next. I'm about to do a floor roll. Being fat sucks. Unfortunately exercising sounds waaaay worse. Which laundry detergent was it any way?

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Hahaha,ya know its old school CHEER. They only have 2..one with smell,one without. My mom used it. Don't know how they stay a float in this age of everything being laced with febreeze, ultra ×20 load potential, and hey ...don't forget the we never test our detergent on any animals eyes section...plan on paying bout an extra 10.00 for those shits. LOL

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I can't use anything with fragrance. I've always been allergic to whatever is in them, especially Tide and don't even get me started on Purex laundry enhancer. It's from the devil as far as I'm concerned. I'm jealous you can use whatever laundry soap you wish!!!! Lucky duck!

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