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SecretlyAPerfectionist

How I got over my first love, Adderall

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I didn't believe in love. Sophomore year of college, that all changed. I met her. Adderall.

I was in the library with a group of students. I mentioned to my peers I had a big test to study for the next day. One of my classmates mentioned his prescription to Adderall and how it could help me stay awake. He had 20 mg XR and sold me two of them for ten dollars. I carried them to my car, where I saw a friend walking. She, too, was prescribed Adderall and I explained how I had just bought a couple and was scared to take them. She got in my car as I gave her a ride home and told me to take it sooner than later to avoid staying up all night. I almost cried when I took the pill because I was so scared. I didn't want to feel unlike myself. But when I got to work, I felt something I'd never felt before. It was almost like heaven. I was extremely motivated to clean, to talk to customers, to take care of any business that needed handled. I paid extreme detail to everything. I decided I could drink an energy drink. My heart raced fast. I also felt my appetite suppressed.

I stayed up all night writing notes for my test, and ended up getting an A on the test. I felt like a rockstar. College had knocked me down and hit me with some failures in quite a few ways, and Adderall made me feel like I was on top of the world.

At least for a little while.

I started buying most of his pills. He relied on me to remind him when his prescription was ready because, like clockwork (like a true addict) it was at the top of my priority list. I started finding more and more dealers. I would buy them all out. I was taking upwards of 150 mg XR per day, plus energy drinks and Ritalin & Straterra (which i was able to get myself prescribed). I started snorting the pills to feel the effects harder. And taking puffs of my inhaler to get my heart racing. Keep in mind that I am a 110 pound female. I stopped eating most meals and drinking water. I became very frail, and unable to workout.

Before, I was a very social person, a mediocre student, a lazy worker, an incredible loving and caring friend. But with Adderall, I became a different human being. I focused all of my time on work, making money just to spend it on my Adderall habit. It was a cycle. I started focusing on projects by myself, doing my homework very efficiently, and even doing several friends homework for them. I became very interested in everything, but saw my genuine passions fade.

Adderall gave me, as I'm sure it has for you, a sense of false confidence. I thought I was the queen, for a minute at least when my pills peaked. But when I came down, I became very self-aware, very self conscious. A once confident and full of life girl looked herself straight in the eye in the mirror and couldn't tell you one single good thing about herself. A once creative artist and writer tore up every single thing she'd ever created because she doubted its worth, and her own. I began masking this pain with getting extremely fucked up and blacked out, once overdosing and getting a concussion. Still none of this was a red flag for me, and I continued to let my body deteriorate as well as everything I ever believed in.

I became very distant from everyone. I was never really present. If I was in your presence it was probably fake, with my mind trying to figure out how I was going to get more Adderall. I forced myself into isolation, only to realize in a several weeklong binge comedown that my mind and lack of self respect was the driving force behind this addiction.

The next couple months were painful. I smoked a lot of weed and gained a lot of weight. I spent a lot of time sleeping, a lot of time I'd missed while being strung out. I eventually told my parents, as well as my counselor that I'd been manipulating him to get pills the entire time I'd been seeing him. I never really felt like I had any real motivation to quit, though. I continued to get blacked out drunk, and when I wasn't sleeping or working, I was smoking weed. The weed only continued to make me doubt myself, as a student, a friend, and an artist. I continued to destroy everything I created, rip up any evidence that I had any thoughts outside of the fake image that I was portraying.

Never fully recovering, I relapsed. But this time, the Adderall made me feel like shit the entire time. From start to finish. I felt guilty the second I ingested it, and the next twelve or so hours I spent frantically trying to cope with the decision I made to do so. I admitted to my boyfriend that I'd been taking adderall again, and he explained how he'd felt let down even though it was me who had to deal with the consequences and shame. My Adderall usage wasn't only affecting me, though. It was affecting my mood, and my attitude toward everything. I saw myself becoming increasingly negative yet again, and I realized that this is not who I was made to be.

I keep coming back to this thought, and I think it's what keeps me from trying to get pills ever again: I am stronger than my demons. I think that this is the simple truth for getting over any addiction. I don't personally believe that I need to go to AA or stop having a beer or go to a 28 day rehabilitation center. For me, I just needed to outsmart my demons.

If you have an Adderall addiction problem, I'm sure our "demons" are similar.

1 I am a perfectionist who does not deal well with failure.

2 I like to please others, and I absolutely adore attention and approval

3 I have a "I'm dying/I'm losing time" complex, where I think relaxation is laziness

All I had to do, honestly, was get to know myself a little, and as cheesy as it sounds, stop caring so much about other people's opinions. It's good to try hard and do well, but not at the cost of your health, physical or mental.

I know that Adderall and other psychostimulants (such as Ritalin, Concerta) do not make me feel good. I also know that they are not necessary to my wellbeing or my happiness, as I feel the happiest and healthiest I've ever been currently. I wish you the best in your journey back to yourself. I pray you are able to regain your passions and your love for life as I am slowly but surely. You don't need Adderall to focus, and you don't really need to stay awake to study for your final THAT bad.

So here is my declaration: I'm adderall free.

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Wow, your post was so well-written, and I could relate to pretty much all of it. Especially studying for finals when a friend said "take this, it'll help." I thought I had fallen in love too. It was a long road to learning that this was the most sick and twisted relationship I could ever have, and it was with a pill. I'm glad you came here and posted. How long have you been adderall-free? Welcome!

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Never fully recovering, I relapsed. But this time, the Adderall made me feel like shit the entire time.

That is interesting, after 10 weeks clean I slipped and took ritalin again, and felt like total crap too. It's like I lost the taste for it. I had a similar experience with marijuana when I was younger, when I went from daily use for about 1 year, then cold turkey for 8 months, then when I tried it again I felt only the negative effects of it. I'm grateful that that was the case, as I am with ritalin.

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Great story. How long were u taking adderall for? How exactly did u go about quitting? Cold turkey? Taper? Did u use any supplements or other meds to help?

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Wow, your post was so well-written, and I could relate to pretty much all of it. Especially studying for finals when a friend said "take this, it'll help." I thought I had fallen in love too. It was a long road to learning that this was the most sick and twisted relationship I could ever have, and it was with a pill. I'm glad you came here and posted. How long have you been adderall-free? Welcome!

Thank you! I completely agree! I had 4+ months clean when I relapsed. And now I have been free for about 5 weeks.

What about you?

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Great story. How long were u taking adderall for? How exactly did u go about quitting? Cold turkey? Taper? Did u use any supplements or other meds to help?

I was taking Adderall at "normal" amounts for about 6 months, and the last six I spent tweaked out of my mind taking about 4x reccommended amount. So a year overall but it feels like longer. I quit cold turkey. I drank Yerba Mate tea that was supposed to be "Energy tea" and started taking HTC vitamins as well as a multivitamin. I was completely pill-free but my doctor suggested anti depressents. I opted against it because I knew I needed to feel the pain. I smoked a lot of marijuana to cope with the cravings and get my mind off of it, but honestly I don't think that any of that really helped. I just replaced substance with substance. What really helped was forcing myself to get out and do things that I used to love. One of those things being going to concerts/shows. While I still didn't feel completely like myself, it was a nice feeiling to get a little natural high hearing live music. Also I took up a new activity, hiking, and fell completely in love. I truly think the time outdoors is what got me to the point where I feel mentally "well".

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There are also certain things that I cannot do anymore, and certain things that trigger me. These are smells, tastes, sounds, and feelings. Has anyone else experienced this? I smell a certain perfume and I think "I used to wear this when I was taking Adderall."

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I don't really have any Adderall triggers these days, but the other day I was in my bathroom and I smelled pot from the apartment below. Waves of emotions flooded over me as my previous life many many years ago flashed in and out. The good news was that it only lasted a minute or so as I left and got distracted by something else. ADD is good at times like this, lol!! ;)

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There are also certain things that I cannot do anymore, and certain things that trigger me. These are smells, tastes, sounds, and feelings. Has anyone else experienced this? I smell a certain perfume and I think "I used to wear this when I was taking Adderall."

I've had this experience too! The feelings part is hard especially because some of them are unavoidable (places like work where I used to take adderall, but am now sober.) There are places where I can't be, perfumes I no longer wear, people I no longer associate with, things I no longer consume (green tea, sadly, but also that foul diet soda and candy habit I used to have). Being around people who are obviously peaking out on it makes me want to ask them for some, and I can't do that! I can also no longer run to the beer store at 2 am (and why would I even want to?? lol)

I can also no longer approach my life and work in the same way because it brings up those feelings. If I try to accomplish anything with an adderall mentality, it's a trigger. I have to just be my crazy ADD self about everything, and I'm finding tricks to manage it. But, life is so much fuller and more fun this way anyway! :)

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I liked the comment about having to be your "crazy ADD self" in regards to not approaching things the adderall way. I love it.

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