Motivation_Follows_Action

Really tempted...

12 posts in this topic

Last night my husband told me that if I "got back in to that dress" I wore at the height of my adderall addiction, he would take me away to some exotic location as a surprise.

Also, after being turned down AGAIN yesterday for sex, he said, "well if you were able to fit in to that dress there's no way I'd ever be able to say no".

There are lots of little examples of this kind of behavior but I am naming only two. Basically, now, I feel pretty worthless and from the moment he said that to me 48 hours ago I have eaten only two meals and I just signed up for a half marathon. I am REALLY tempted to start taking adderall, or something like it. I started web searching for "most potent appetite suppressant".

I'm not overweight and I was beginning to accept myself, cellulite and all, after getting over my addiction. Now all those old demons are coming back again and all I want to do is get control over my feelings and starve myself back to 120lbs.

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Hi MFA -- First of all you're doing great and you have no reason not to fully accept yourself just as you are right now. Your husband needs a "talking-to" ... He knows about your addiction but probably does not understand the dynamics of relapse and recovery, as many loved ones do not. You need to make him understand that him making comments about weight is a HUGE trigger. It is for me too, believe me, a major trigger -- I used to be very heavy, lost a lot of weight (before speed) and have kept it off for several years, and for 2 of those years ritalin was my secret weapon. We all have our reasons. It is what it is but pleassssssssssssssssssssse -- do not let these comments get to you. I hope that you are able to talk to him and if your not then have a few sessions of couples therapy. But the first step for sure is admitting that you're triggered and you've done that so stay strong.

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MFA,

Ouch. That must be really hard, because I know body image has been an ongoing struggle for you :( From what you've said about your husband in the past, he seems so supportive of you and like a really good man, so my first instinct was to bash him, but like lea said, maybe he doesn't understand the dynamics of addiction--preventing relapse, etc. I feel like a lot of people think we quit, and then that's all there is to it....I wish it was that way! I know those words are going to run through your mind, but hopefully talk to him and let him understand that he has his wife back now. I don't think he'd want it any other way. I've been slacking lately, but working out will get the feel-good chemicals going, and losing weight will just be the reward. Please don't think about turning back.

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I wish it were so easy. Marriage and sex are never easy, especially after a few years' ups and downs and highs and lows. I would have given someone else the same advice as you gave me, believe me. And it is the right advice, but the wrong context. It's complicated. I wish I could summarize it in 25 words or less but I can't.

I just need to stay close to the site for a little while, and pay attention to how I'm feeling. It's when we take our eyes off our feelings that triggers turn in to relapse, I guess.

Thank you Ashley and Lea. It means a lot you're around.

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I was able to end a 2 year relationship after 3 sessions of couples counseling but I know that marriage is a lot more complicated :sad: . For me I was able to really hear my boyfriend in the office of a good family therapist. We went with the objective of marriage vs breakup and I knew after the first session. Whatever your objective -- just wanted to put that out there. Do stay close though! That's what we're here for.

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Yeah, you're so right. I've never been married, so I should probably stick to not giving marital advice:) Hang in there!

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MFA, can you fast forward and play the tape through? What happened before when you took Adderall? What do you imagine your life will be like if you are strung out and skinny? Will it be worth it to satisfy your husband while you put your own life on the line? I mean are you willing to deal with the consequences and going backwards in your recovery to square 1? Do you think you will be truly happy and all your problems will disappear? A happy future awaits you caught back in the trap of addiction again? I'm not trying to judge in any way, just know these are the things I always have to think about whenever I feel any urges to engage in my old behavior patterns that jacked up my life for so long. I know you can get through this though. You've made it this far!! This is just another obstacle in recovery that you must overcome and YOU WILL AND YOU CAN. I have so much FAITH in you!! You got this girl!! Hugs!

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MFA:

please chill....this is coming from the most anxious and type A person in the world.....but trust me....chill...i can relate with you because i've been SO drained of energy...i've had tons of external stressors in my life....and this all somehow happened to come about right when i decided to cut ties with adderall.....so im there with you....energy levels are total shit......i used to be in the gym with ferocity....5-6 days a week.....2 hours a session....it was the best feeling in the world.....now im lucky if i get 45 mins in....and if i get an hour in....i still try and consider that a victory....

i don't post much advice on this forum because I don't believe im in a position to give advice. I just rounded the corner on having taken my last adderall 5 months ago.....so im now starting month 6.....

i think maybe things are getting better, but i cant really tell....all i do is think about the advice you've given me...along with the advice of others from this site......and i just try to push forward one day at a time.....i guess its all we can do....

keep pushing. start eating healthy. i know thats not been one of your forte's, but maybe start with blending.....one of my favorite things to make is water+ice+cucumber+strawberries+honey. blend the hell out of it and enjoy.

definitely go with healthy alternatives in your diet. i think your husband is being a little harsh....this whole quitting adderall thing sucks so bad.....and this is coming from someone who never exceeded prescribed doses of 20mg a day....its so tough when you even take it as prescribed and try to quit....its gotta be even rougher for those who have taken higher doses.

you're pretty tough. i think you'll be fine. i hardly ever worry about you. i have another doc's appointment tomorrow with an excellent doctor of internal medicine....i've been such a miserable bastard lately...you know my drill...im being sooooo stubborn with taking anti depressants....i still have the bottle of wellbutrin that i filled and never started taking.....

anyways....you're doing really great. you've been a compadre for me since day one.....just stick with it....you're a pillar here....

again, i never feel like im one to give advice here....i cant wait till the day that im a shining and positive person once again....until then i'll keep battling through this horrible bullshit of sadness and self doubt....but im not gonna sit on the sidelines when i know you're sad......dont be....you're doing a great job....just keep it up.....go for the healthy alternatives in your diet....you live in BK for god's sake.....enjoy it!....summer's here....go for a nice walk in the evenings after work.....come on man.....if you lose hope....we'll lose hope....

-S-

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Sebastian,

I just want to say from this post alone you sound better. Sometimes we don't notice it in ourselves, you just seem more positive.

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Hi MFA!

First: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Externally and internally and whatever you weigh.

I think looking good is diverse, is about feeling good in your own skin and projecting that confidence. Gestures, how you carry yourself, etc.

Second: I don't know your husband or his intentions, so it's probably good to ask (to ask yourself) a few questions (?): What are your husband's intentions, from what you can tell? Is he saying this to help you be healthier exercise/diet-wise? Or is it something harsher? (I'm asking because I like to assume people have good intentions before making judgements or getting upset. But this sounds REALLY HARSH to me. Possibly even emotionally abusive.)

Are there any other issues that he might be taking out on you in these comments about your looks?

Cliche, but please know that being healthy, being happy, etc. count more towards your beauty than anything else.

If you DO want to lose weight, it should be FOR YOU and it should NOT involve starving yourself. As someone whose weight has been up and down for years, I can say this much: you need to lose weight slowly or else you will gain it right back and then some.

P.S. As you know I've taken several brands of diet pills (Xenadrine EFX, Stacker 2's) throughout my recovery as adderall replacements for stimulant purposes. They're mostly just caffeine pills and mysterious ingredients. Usually when I take them I eat a bunch of candy and/or nachos, or cocktails afterwards. It's not a solution.

Much more effective, I like to put fruits and veggies at the base of my food pyramid. And find physical activities I enjoy. Those have worked the best. (Not that I can talk right now cause I'm packing on the pounds too, but in the past that's what's worked for me.)

Smart, beautiful, classy, BADASS LADY. <3

EDIT: Lots made

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Occasional1, I forgot to mention that part and SOOOOO glad you brought it up!! Your weight does NOT determine your worth! You are an amazing bright woman and have been SOOOOO helpful to people on this forum. Your husband is LUCKY to have you and I just pray that you will stay strong through this because I can only imagine how HORRIBLY triggering this must've been for you. I want to punch him in the face a little (sorry) for doing this to you and I just want you to know how proud I am of all your hard work, determination, and persistence. It WILL payoff in the end and someday you will get to be exactly where you want to be, but just not using Adderall. It's not a cure for weight loss. It's a bandaid to another issue. Thinking of you and pray you stay strong girl!!

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