Jon

The Journey

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My story is similar to yours. Recovery began with a single thought. Is it possible to be free of this addiction? The first line of Mary Oliver’s famous poem “The Journey†says you can be.


 

The Journey

By Mary Oliver


One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began.
Though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice – though the whole house began to tremble, and you felt the old tug at your ankles.
“Mend my life!†each voice cried. But you didn’t stop. You knew what you had to do.
Though the wind pried, with its stiff fingers at the very foundations,
though their melancholy was terrible.

It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road was full of fallen branches and stones.
But little by little, as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own,
that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
Determined to do the only thing you could do,
Determined to save the only life you could save.

I didn’t know how to go about it until….I found this website and read your stories. I scoured the whole site. Mikes articles really got me thinking that quitting is possible for me and your stories convinced me that I’m not alone in the endeavor.

How did I know what I had to do? I’m not sure who coined the word Adderall Zombie on this site, but I related. I felt like the living dead.The pill's energy was shooting off in off in every direction except at the target. I needed a way out. I had been putting out feelers for help for the last 3 months and was unable to find anything or anybody that understood what quitting Adderall was all about. It is a unique addiction. The shame factor for me was strong and Adderall was the most guarded secret of my life.

I read Mike’s article about weaning yourself off Adderall and thought, since I’ve been whittling it down for the last year or so I thought maybe that’s for me. One of the suggestions in the article was to try taking a vacation day from the drug. That was something I have never done in the 12 years of using the drug. I took Mike up on the suggestion, on a Saturday, and much to my surprise, I survived. A week later on June 22, 2013 I quit. As of today, it has been 11 days of Adderall freedom and I feel pretty good about it. I sleep 12 hours or more a day. I don’t like that, but I figure the Devil has to be paid.

Does anyone else like the metaphor of addiction and transformation in Mary Oliver’s poem? She is one of my inspirations for quitting and staying quit.

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"the pill energy was shooting off in every direction except at the target"

good point, Jon.

Adderall quit working for everything I used to take it for, and that in itself was a pretty compelling reason for me to quit. Whenever I found myself jonseing for adderall all I had to do was tell myself "oh yea, and it quit working for that too." Not to mention all of the god-awful side affects. I felt like an old man towards the end of my addiction and I wasn't even 50 years old before I quit.

Congratulations for quitting. I like your acknowledgement that the devil has to be paid - that's just part of the reality of recovery.

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Quit-once,

Thank you for your feedback and message of congratulations. Your experience on this site carries a lot of weight. Thank you for still being here for the newcomers.

I strongly relate to your statement of feeling like an old man toward the end of your addiction. That is exactly how I have been describing myself for the last few years, only I usually blamed the shift work. I even had myself and family convinced that shift work was to blame for my constant state of exhaustion. Of course, now that I have actually quit, I feel older still. In fact I feel as though I’ve been buried alive, so heavy is the burden of racking up hours paid in bed.

The thing that worries me right now is the overtime that is expected of me to work next week?

I came in 4 hours early today and, honestly, it hasn’t been pretty. I had to curl up and hide under my desk a half dozen times to close my eyes. I was the only person in the room. That will not be the case next week. I would have been okay if I had not woken at 5:30 AM and couldn’t get back to sleep. That 5:30 awakening phenomenon seems to occur about twice a week, otherwise I’m fine on 9 or 10 hours of sleep and a few more hours of half sleep on the couch, 12-13 in all.

Due to the urgency of having to work12 hour shifts for 3 days; Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday next week, I have some serious concerns about my ability to make my payments and continue working. Something has got to give.

Thank you again Quit-once for reminding me of some compelling reasons to quit and stay quit. Your words ring true for me.

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Hi Jon,

I'm a recent quitter (7 days!) and thank you for your post. The Mary Oliver words are extremely powerful - it describes how I feel perfectly, pushing through the hundreds of voices and just waiting for something honest to come through. I also like the idea that one day you know, and all you can do is begin. You can't know where you're going to end up, how hard it will be, if you'll succeed or what is waiting at the end. All you can do is have faith and take the first step.

I wish you the best of luck in managing your work schedule right now. It's difficult to say much with authority - but in terms of the opinions of others, I definitely think that people are paying less attention to us than we tend to think! Lots of people go through down times at work - whether because of illness, personal problems or simply busy times in their lives - this is just one of those (not to downplay it). Please try your best to be gentle with yourself if you can. Try to rest when possible - and perhaps consider taking some time off if that's available? Even if it's a financial challenge, it's worth considering - this is your health and your life. It's really important and noone else will prioritise it for you. It's difficult to know what more to say - everyone has difficult and unique circumstances. I have taken time off work to go through this withdrawal - I will end up in a lot of debt because of this but I really and truly want to feel good again, to feel rested and confident and healthy. Once I worked out my priorities, time off was simply the only option.

But that's not available to everyone, I understand that, and I am sure you will be fine if you have to keep working - it just means you have to be that much more gentle with yourself, keep perspective, don't let the achievement anxiety get to you.

Of course, now that I have actually quit, I feel older still. In fact I feel as though I’ve been buried alive, so heavy is the burden of racking up hours paid in bed.

You absolutely have to ditch the psychological burden you're talking about, the guilt of being tired, of not being able to work. You have to find a way to forgive yourself and surrender to the process. You are the only one who can do that. The guilt and the burden are doing far more damage than the actual quitting OR the shift work.

Thanks for sharing your story - you are doing a great job, that much is clear. I look forward to hearing the next chapter.

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Hi Amelie,

 

I appreciate your reply. Thank you for making specific comments about the poem. The Journey means so much to me. I really love good literature and poetry. I had posted a comment on your thread earlier today because I thought we were so close in our quitting times. Today is day 16 for me, day 9 for you, I believe. I feel pretty good today, even though I am tired most of the time. Your advice to surrender to the process is sound. I am prepared to take time off from work if I need to. My co-workers are working with me on the shifts and the overtime. I sincerely believe that the first quit carries a magical charm that contributes to long- term success. I really want to make it stick.

 

I really want it to stick for you too, Amelie. I'm glad you made the decision to take some time off from work, even though the cost is great. Your priorities are in order. The sound of a sober mind is at work for you.

 

May you be peaceful and happy. May you be free from harm. May you be as healthy and as strong as you can be. May you know the ease of well-being.

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Notes to myself:

Today, July 12, 2013, I have 20 days off Adderall. I'm still putting a lot of time in bed or on the couch.  It would have been quite a lot more had I not been required to work 60 hours this week. I still feel the drug in me at times, just vibrating. Quality sleep is anyone's guess on any given night. Eating is still something that I have to gear myself up for, but once started, I'm off to the races. Concentration is pretty mushy, but I'm getting by. Depression: I think we have a green light on that.  Motivation takes enormous effort and will power. Overall, I feel satisfied with my current state of well being. That's weird, after listing all the negative stuff that's going on.

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Jon - Congratulations to you! I happen to love Mary Oliver and am grateful you posted that poem. I just started to feel slightly better today after cutting down and I'm going to try things out tomorrow by taking a day off of my 10 mg. that I've cut down to from 20. I feel I am ready to do that and then go down to 5 mg or just quit.

 

I love the poem you posted because the whole Adderall thing and the depression thing for me has come to the point where I really have to get in gear and start finding a way to heal. While my depression gets very severe at times, it also eases up at times and I have to find a way to start weathering the storms a bit better and saving myself. I suspect that healing myself from over three years of Adderall use will be a good start. I rue the day I ever let my doctor put me on that stuff. It suddenly just seems ridiculous but I didnt' know what to do. I certain didn't think it could ever make things worse and yet it did.

 

I believe it allowed me to become complacent and unmotivated rather than more engaged with my own life and that is something I have suffered for greatly and didn't realize it.

 

I was finally able to practice an hour of yoga today and felt for the first time in a while that I might be all right afterall - that things can get better.

 

Do you find that you go up and down at all during all this tapering and then cessation? I get glimpses of pulling out of it and then I sort slump back into a fogged out sleepy energy type crisis where I just shut down and want to stay down. But something in me is surfacing here and there when I most need to and that's what I'm holding on to.

 

I realize that me getting off the Adderall is also about me finally realizing I need to find a way to cope better with my bipolar disorder and resulting depressive mood swings so that I never resort to these dangerous drugs again. However, I am thankful as well that I didn't get hooked on meth or heroine. From what I have heard, you never quite recover all the way from that, but I feel that I will eventually recover from my stint with Adderall and a few other years I was on Ritalin and Concerta off and on.

 

It is possible. Also realizing that my medical MJ use has to go as well since I figured out a way to deal with my headaches via vitamin therapy. I now want to be as clear and present as possible to my mental state and the world.

 

Thank you for posting that Oliver poem again. It really meant a lot to me as I started reading a book today called, "How I Survived When My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me," as I seriously was feeling more suidical than ever just cutting down on Adderall. I realized I need to change my whole approach and not give up hope, as someone else suggested.

 

Brighter and more awake days are ahead for you, Jon. I am sure of that.

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P.S. I also read your bio and how long you have been on it and that you suffered from depression as well and figured out Adderall didn't make it any better, only worse. I can so relate to that. The more I learn about Adderall, the more I think it backfires with depression. Didn't realize how dead I was feeling for so long.

 

Also wondering how it made you feel older, quit-once? Just curious as my fatigue got worse on it. I'm wondering if the afternoon crash I had was part of that.

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Also wondering how it made you feel older, quit-once? Just curious as my fatigue got worse on it. I'm wondering if the afternoon crash I had was part of that.

My muscles and joints ached and creaked.  I moved slowly and with a lot of pain, especially when dosing down from those days of 120 - 150 mg.  I had wrinkles and bags in my face and my hair was getting gray.  I thought I looked like a drug addict.  Red splotches on my skin.  Short of breath and lacking normal energy.  I had a bigger fatter belly and I was mentally slow with a poor memory.  Decisions were hard to make and problems were hard to solve.  The later stages of adderall addiction made my life really hard, and I knew it at the time, but it took me a few months to get in the right place to quit.  I took up yoga about a year ago - about a year after quitting -  and it has been the best thing I ever did since quitting adderall and cigs.  Oh, and  much better nutrition and excercise, too  Keep up with your yoga practice! 

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Wow. Thank you so much for answering me on what happened to make you feel older. I guess I have sort of felt that way as well over the last year especially. The shortness of breath thing is sounding very familiar. Interestingly, I have been complaining of severe menstrual pain the past three years and the shortness of breath gets worse the closer I get to that time in the month. This was not such an issue before Adderall, now that I look back on it. Everyone's always told me I look younger than mid-40's but the past year or so, I too have felt older and that I am aging faster than usual. I have to think these drugs might not be the greatest for getting the full nutritional value from food. My memory has also been totally horrendous as well.

 

I went to a new internal medicine doctor and told him of my shortness of breath, diziness, fainting a few times and increasing amoutns of fatigue and he immediately was concerned about my use of Adderall and seemed disgusted that my psychiatrist put me on the stuff wtihout first checking out the health of my heart and then continuing to check it while I was on it for three or so years.

 

So he sent me for an echocardiogram and the technician told me she's never seen heart damage in an adderall user but I did end up wtih a heart issue - a patent foramen ovale (which is a common congenital deal) but with an atrial septal anseurysm which is not so common. I later read that experts decided Adderall did not cause heart issues but my internist still feels that it possibly could have made these conditions worse. I don't know. But I'm grateful for the whole orderal if it helped uncover a potentially deadly heart defect that they may decide to fix.

 

But honestly, my health has gotten so much worse when I already started out with depression, chronic fatigue, and fibromyalgia. It will be interesting to see how much improves when I am off Adderall for a while. And as far as ADD goes, yoga is excellent for focus and concentration. I notice that my focs is at its best after an hour of Ashtanga and things move in a somewhat rhythmic fashion for a while later, including my thoughts. Much clearer, so I am glad you took up a yoga practice as well.

 

Oh, and thank you for mentioning about your issues with decision-making. I have been having an increasingly hard time making decisions for the past year or so - so much so that my mother has commented on it many times. I've always been able to consider anything from various angles and points of views, but it got to the point where I'd make one decions one day and then end up in a panic the next day or the next hour over it - wondering what the right thing was to do - like a bad, reverse hyperfocusing issue with no end or resolution in sight. I can't ever remembering being as bad as it's been since I've been on Adderall. Thank you for your insights. It will be interesting to see if more clarity is restored.

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catw66, on 12 Jul 2013 - 10:26 PM, said:

 

P.S. I also read your bio and how long you have been on it and that you suffered from depression as well and figured out Adderall didn't make it any better, only worse. I can so relate to that. The more I learn about Adderall, the more I think it backfires with depression. Didn't realize how dead I was feeling for so long.

 

 

I think you are on to the game Adderall plays, Catw66. It is tragically simple really. What goes up must come down. Only, what is not seen is the cumulative  going up.

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Notes to myself: Friday July 19, 2013. Day 27 without Adderall.

I was extremely tired and didn’t want to get out of bed all week again. I was barely able to keep up with eating, hygiene and working.

I worked the graveyard shift without the pill this week and I was really worried about this. I’m am happy I passed this test of endurance.

 

A situation arose yesterday in which I believe I would have freaked out if I were on the pill. My car keys (all my keys) slipped out of my hand, after parking the car, and slid into a sinkhole on the edge of a storm drain. It was 11 PM and even though the parking lot was lit, looking down into the sinkhole and storm drain was looking into pure blackness. A good piece of my life was on that keychain and losing it would be, well, very negative.

 

Instead of immediately and anxiously trying to solve the problem, I calmly waited for the sunrise so I could see where the keys were and make a more accurate assessment. This calmly waiting was almost an otherworldly experience for me.  On the pill, I think I would have been in full production mode throughout the night and most likely getting nowhere.

When morning came and I could see the keys at the very bottom of the drain, I knew what I could try to do on my own. I needed to fish the keys out using something with a six foot reach. I was amazed how quickly I assembled a fine tool using four separate parts to fish out the keys in about 10 minutes.  I have to believe that in Adderall world this would not have turned out so simply or as uncomplicated.

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Jon - Wow. I can relate to this well. Last night I was talking to an old friend on the phone and he said I seem a lot calmer than I used to be and more laid back. He said when we started dating, I seemed really amped up and was going on and on about this or that or thing that was going wrong and that I couldn't immediately control.

 

I remember losing my computer chipped car key around the block one night and then going nuts for hours looking for it. Finally, I gave up and when dawn broke, I got out there again and found it under the one of maybe a dozen fallen fall leaves that I had missed.

 

I do feel much calmer though I've been an anxious sort of person at times. However, I notice the difference is that I am not hyper-focused on what is wrong. Things that are bothering me can pass out of the forefront of my mind easier. They come back around, but at least I get some releif and am not as obsessed about it.

 

I remember this being a problem before on Ritalin and Concerta - the overfocus on the negative and the anxiety-provoking. I can do that well enough on my own, but when a person is depressed as well and the stimulants are making it worse, I believe this can be a potentially life and mind wrecking situation.

 

It is interesting too, that I was so depressed and worn out yet I could endlessly tweak on some small crisis or another when on Adderall. How exhausting....

 

I am on day 6 today of no Adderall and I get the tiredness you are feeling. But it also feels rejuvenating. I am still dealing with depression but that deep depression headache is not there anymore which I assume was when the Adderall would start to wear off and my brain was screaming for more.

 

Good for you! How is your mood?

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Hi Catw66,

 

Congratulations on SIX days! Your post was on the 19th, so you must have NINE days as of Monday! I’m very proud of you, covering so much ground in so little time. Keep up the hard work!

 

Thank you for sharing your story about the lost car keys while on Adderall. This new calmness is amazing, isn’t it? Thank you for helping me accept some of the smaller, but important, blessings that have followed quitting.  The heavy list of negatives can be overpowering at times.

 

How am I feeling?  That is an excellent question. I don’t notice the presence of any feelings. I think my senses are kind of dulled. It’s kind of like I’m still on the pill with dull senses although, I have noticed my smile has returned when I find something amusing and I remember laughing a few times too. That feels good! Overall though, my brain still feels soaked in chemicals.

 

How about you? Are you able to experience feelings? Have you recovered your smile?

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Hi Jon - I'm always having feelings of one sort or another as I'm a "highly sensitive person" but they feel more genuine and less intense from stress. I think there are a lot of ups and downs with this Adderall thing though I have bipolar disorder so I think the ups and downs feel more pronounced possibly. But I am enjoying feelng a bit more clarity and less of the brain crash. I am noticing my creative ideas of things I might do for the sake or art and my life's next step are flowing a bit easier.

 

By day nine, I'm a bit worn out at the moment though, as I took it upon myself to drive from Michigan to Canada (about a 5.5 hour drive both ways) to go to a music festival camp-out. I don't think I had enough energy to do that, though  talked to a friend there who said he knew others who had felt bad on Adderall as it re-wires your brain to think you need it to keep interested in things and it became a constant struggle for them needing more and dealing with the crashes.

 

That leads me to think this re-wiring to a new normal takes some time. So it makes sense to me that you are still feeling it. I feel at times better and then just like I am on it still with the crashes, though I am sure some of it is fatigue. Brain is probably going through a lot to heal.

 

Anyway, I learned from this little trip that I'm probably not ready to do too much overextering myself as I was so tired by the time I reached the border to come back  ( and I don't have experience with border crossing by car) and was not ready for the 20 questions I got. I was so tired and fatigued mentally that when they asked me where I had come from, all I could think to say was, "Canada" (Duh....) When they asked me where in Canada, I had to find my google print out for the actual name of the place. I was surprised they didn't pull me aside for a sobriety test or search my car for drugs!!! But I had a good laugh about it later.

 

When I feel dull, I experience it as depression of sorts and am not sure that will ever totally go away and I remember that is one of the main reasons I started the Adderall. But yes, my smile has returned. I am having a few more laughs than usual and laughing a bit longer than I have remembered over the past year or so.

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P.S. As far as the feeling of your brain still being soaked in the chemicals, I wonder how long any very real residue stays in certain cells though they say the liver processes it and it only has so much of a half-life in our body. But I think the residue is another story alltogether. Hang in there!

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Cat,

 

I think you are right about the dullness being cousin to feeling depressed. I am sleeping so much that what I am calling exhaustion at the end of my sleep cycle could very well be depression and keeping me in bed longer than my body needs to be. I am racking up some serious sleep/rest time.

 

Or, what I am feeling in bed while tossing and turning could be caused by this fear that I have about getting out of bed, and then what...start creating a new life for myself without Adderall? Doing stuff without the pill is a mystery to me, other than work and stuff that has to be done. I have to push real hard to motivate in even these simple directions, like food shopping, preparing meals and cutting the lawn.

 

Thanks for sharing your story about arriving at the Canadian border only to turn around and drive home. I’m glad you can laugh about it now. I give you an A+ for effort, to even consider going to the concert and campout. Camping take a lot more energy than staying in a hotel. You mad a good decision to turn back and head home.

 

Other than all the overtime I had to work the week before last, I haven't tried doing anything social. Oh, I did have quick diner with friends last Monday. I knew up front that I was going to be dipping the bucket into an empty well. At this point, I ask only for clarity about how much rest my body really needs, and satisfying those needs, or staying in bed or on the couch, because I am afraid to face life without the pill to get me going.

 

Any thoughts on this line, of knowing when to push yourself or nourish yourself at day 31, by anyone reading this post, is greatly appreciated. I thank you in advance. Perhaps this is something for me to turn over to my higher power. That’s always a tough one for me to do.

 

Thanks Cat, for being with me. Together, maybe we can do this, one day at a time.

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Hi Jon,

 

At Day 31 you're still in recovery mode. Allow yourself to be lazy, sleep and slack off on normal responsibilities, and don't feel guilty about it. If you start feeling guilty, that's a step toward feeling like you need adderall again. Don't push yourself to be social or take on more obligations than you feel ready for. 

 

At the point you feel ready to be social again, doing activities and hanging out with friends is a great way to forget about adderall. Looking back, this turning point happened around month 2 for me. 

 

There will come a time when you HAVE to push yourself before you're ready. Maybe you made a promise to help a friend do something, like build a website or move into a new house, and you don't want to back out. Maybe it's picking up slack for someone at work who really needs it. When that time comes, bite the bullet and push yourself beyond your comfort level. Then when it's over, celebrate and take a well-deserved break again! You will have just increased your confidence that much more.

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Hi Cat,

Thank you for keeping an eye on me. You are a senior member and, you are like a found lucky baseball bat for me…if you get what I mean by a found object. Common sense isn’t always available to me, but your post gently reminds me of it.

 

Embrace the sloth (no offense Quit-once) for now. PUSH only when necessary, socially or otherwise. Ditch the guilt… and the shame while I’m at it. Worry about the blank canvas after the initial phase of recovery has processed itself out. Now, if I can only stay with the plan. Thank you again for showing me where the road is and for keeping me on your radar.

 

 

 

 

 

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Agree with Cat - day 31 is no fun, and if you're hard on yourself you're going to want to reach for the pills for solace. I was pretty antisocial for the first 6 months off Adderall in general. The first 3 months in particular I was a total hermit. All I had the energy to do was go to work, come home, eat, watch TV, sleep, repeat. I did not want to hang out or talk to anyone.

 

If it's any consolation, now that I'm 1.6 years sober, I'm more social than I've ever been in my life. BUT, this was not the case for the first year.

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Cassie,

 

next week i'll be at 7 months adderall free....but i'm also having some depression and anxiety but i dont think its as bad as when i first quit.....but its still not pleasant.....at all.....its just so hard having motivation and drive and focus.....confidence is low etc etc.

 

I REALLY don't want to go on any other sort of psychotropic meds ever again....no antidepressants or anything like that....im trying to push thru naturally with diet and exercise...

 

After you quit adderall, you never touched any other med, right? Your last sentence "If it's any consolation, now that I'm 1.6 years sober, I'm more social than I've ever been in my life. BUT, this was not the case for the first year." gives me a lot of hope.

 

I used to be really social and really outgoing and chatty and happy both before and during the days i was taking adderall......that all seems to have gone down the tubes.....

 

Could you give a little timeline of how things progressed for you and what you think i should be feeling/experiencing at this point and into the future?

 

Thanks so much.

 

S

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Cassie,

 

next week i'll be at 7 months adderall free....but i'm also having some depression and anxiety but i dont think its as bad as when i first quit.....but its still not pleasant.....at all.....its just so hard having motivation and drive and focus.....confidence is low etc etc.

 

I REALLY don't want to go on any other sort of psychotropic meds ever again....no antidepressants or anything like that....im trying to push thru naturally with diet and exercise...

 

After you quit adderall, you never touched any other med, right? Your last sentence "If it's any consolation, now that I'm 1.6 years sober, I'm more social than I've ever been in my life. BUT, this was not the case for the first year." gives me a lot of hope.

 

I used to be really social and really outgoing and chatty and happy both before and during the days i was taking adderall......that all seems to have gone down the tubes.....

 

Could you give a little timeline of how things progressed for you and what you think i should be feeling/experiencing at this point and into the future?

 

Thanks so much.

 

S

At 7 months I still felt very awkward, anhedonic and uncomfortable in my own skin. I would say I felt pretty crappy for the first year, but by the year point my energy level was decent and my mood was pretty stable. It wasn't till 18 months sober when I got my self-confidence back. I had a terrible PAWS episode, bad cravings and everything, then after it was over, it was like, poof! I felt great and I had natural confidence in myself again.

 

I finally was able to quit my job because I felt like I could actually go on interviews and impress people and perform in a new job without being self conscious. So, that's where I'm at now. I'm going on job interviews sober for the first time in seven years and I feel like I'm kicking ass in the interviews. I would say a switch flipped at 18 months that gave me the inner confidence to start making real changes. Before that I wanted to make changes but didn't have that internal force. I still don't really know what I want to do with my life, but at least I have the drive now to explore.

 

And no, I'm not on any meds. I just try to eat a balanced diet and stay active.

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Hi Cassie,

 

Thank you for your sharing your experience. It's nice to hear from people like you who have already traveled the hardest part of the journey. Your vision from 1.6 years out is both refreshing and sad at once. I hear your warning about wanting the pill if I am being hard on myself. While I have confidence in my quit ,it is still good to be reminded of possible pitfalls that I can be blind to.

 

I like the way you describe your social activity now. I will use it as a sign of hope during my period of hermitage.

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Congratulations Sebastian05 on your 7 months cominp up. I know it's still a rough ride for you right now, but have every confidence in you that you will pass through this period and one day new worlds will open up for you, as they have for Cassie.

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Hi Cassie,

 

Thank you for your sharing your experience. It's nice to hear from people like you who have already traveled the hardest part of the journey. Your vision from 1.6 years out is both refreshing and sad at once. I hear your warning about wanting the pill if I am being hard on myself. While I have confidence in my quit ,it is still good to be reminded of possible pitfalls that I can be blind to.

 

I like the way you describe your social activity now. I will use it as a sign of hope during my period of hermitage.

What's weird is that I never realized how much of a people person I really am until I'd been off Adderall for a considerable amount of time (a year and a half). When I was on it, I never wanted to talk to anyone. I just always wanted to be in my own little tweaked out Adderall world and got impatient when people interrupted my alone time at work and home. I became really interested in IT and database work and learned all these different applications and did a lot of my own IT work in my department. Now, I find computer work incredibly boring and am looking to work in sales again because my job as an academic librarian didn't have enough (consistent) people interaction. What's interesting is that I thought I was just a solitary, introverted person because Adderall made me that way. Now, I feel like the opposite, like I need a lot of conversation and people interaction on a daily basis, because I no longer have that internal Adderall stimulation. I need a buzzing external environment to fill the stimulation void that Adderall provided. Anyway, this is kind of just a rant, but hopefully it may be helpful to someone.

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