My story as short as possible

[catw66]

New here and I am glad to find others. I am on about a week of cutting down from 20 mg to 10mg and I feel absolutely more exhausted and depressed than ever, but I am going to stick this out until I see the ECT doctor this Friday.

 

I have suffered from bipolar depression for many years, with mostly depression that have become more severe over the last few years. When I looked back at what I did differently to start suffering from severe depression headaches, I realized it was when I got to used Adderall in my system. I went from 20 mg to 40 mg and never liked taking 40 mg. so I really didn't. I stayed at 20 mg for a while and then found out I have a heart condition - PFO with an atrial septal aneurysm - and was told by my PCP doc to stop the adderall just in case.

 

Well, I know they say it doesn't cause heart problems (and mine are congenital and somewhat common) but I want off of it anywhere. I've been feeling so dead inside and unenthused and totally out of it for for the last few years and from what I've been reading, I think the Adderall has worsened my depression.

 

I initially was prescribed them due to severe chronic fatigue and the fact that regular antidepressants do not help me and cause me to become manic. I also happen to have ADD. It felt great at first but very quickly, I acclimated to the dose of Adderall and then felt like I couldn't get moving without it.

 

I no longer know what's wrong with me but between the heart problem just disocvered (that I am going to go and get checked out more - waiting for specialist appt.,) the chronic fatigue, and the severe depression that is just getting worse as I cut down on the Adderall, I feel like I will never be the same and have begun to feel suicidal and why bother. My summer is going by again and it's no fun for me once more. It's even less fun nowand I spend a lot of time alone and feel unmotivated and just barely getting by.

 

Sometimes I will get some inspiritation but things are feeling worse since cutting down just by 10mg.

 

Anyway, I have been planning to go see a neuropsychiatrist for ECT treatments. I had them a long time ago when they were stronger and it did help me and I never suffered any real problems - going on to get a masters degree.

 

More than anything, I think all the meds I've taken over the years and then the adderall and severe depression have about shut me down totally from life.

 

I think the only way I am going to get through this withdrawal and get off these energy sucking drugs is to get through the ECT. Otherwise, I'm not sure I"m going to be able to hang on anymore. I have nothing more to lose at this point.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Jon]

I listened and I am concerned for your well being, Catw66. Adderall is a con-artist pill. It shows you one thing and then does another. It shows you happiness and gives you fatigue and depression. Tapering from 20mg down to 10mg of Adderall is a big taper! I know from my own experience that going from 10mg to nothing is a big dip down on the roller coaster. I think you need to be in the right frame of mind to do this. When I hear the S word from your post, making the right call at this point is not to be taken lightly. It may also make the more experienced folks on this site afraid to comment. I'm a newbee with only 17 days under my belt and I want to be of service to you if I can.

 

From what I read about ETC they keep you on your drugs and the consent form you have to sign warns you of the risks. Memory loss is a real risk. I am afraid to say more because of your fragile condition and I am certainly no doctor to hand out advice. I only want you to know that you are heard and are.... I care about you. You aren’t alone in this fight, but you have to able to step into the ring with a real heavyweight.

[LILTEX41]

Cat,

Have you discussed all of this with your doctor? Why don't they put you bipolar medication? There has to be an anti-depressant that is safe. Do NOT give up!!! Do you hear me?? DO NOT GIVE UP!!! The Adderall is screwing you up! You don't even have it out of your system yet. They should not have you on Adderall if you have bipolar as Adderall makes the highs/lows SO MUCH WORSE. I'm pretty sure I have slight bipolar. I was diagnosed with it when I overdosed on Adderall and went to detox. However, it was mainly from overdosing that sent me into that state, but they put me on lamictal, celexa, and Seroquel. Some serious shit, but ya know what? It tranquilized me enough for the first few months that I was kinda like a happy little lamb. I was so totally out of it really, but I think I needed to be that way at that time. Please call your doctor and schedule an appointment. Send me a message if you need someone to talk to. It will be so much better down the road, but the first thing you have to do IS STOP LOSING HOPE. There is a BEAUTIFUL LIFE out there waiting for you, but you have to be gentle and kind to yourself and do the best thing for you. I PROMISE you it will get better. Get that crap out of your system and you will be on the road to RECOVERY.

((((HUGS))))

[catw66]

Thank you so much for your caring replies. They mean a lot to me. Woke up feeling slightly better today but totally fatigued. Going to see a new doctor this Friday and see what he says about all this and what to do. I really think my last psychiatrist sort of screwed me over time with the stimulants, wrong anti-depressants, and other bad advice. But I guess he didn't know what else to do.

 

It is interesting because having depression for so long, I always suffered from a sense of futility no matter what I was doing and I noticed it got so much worse on the Adderall.

 

Anyway, thank you so much and I think this probably has a lot to do with the adderall and cutting down on it. I will keep up my yoga practice and just try and keep moving and rest when I need, accepting that all this must be a part of it. I'm just so flat and exhausted anymore.

 

Hugs to both of you and thank you.

[catw66]

Oh, as for the BP medications you asked about, I was on them and they didn't help enough but now that I think back on it, I think I was better off on them than I am now. Lithium made me pretty sick. This is why I am thinking ECT to just rest me and then get on a mood stabilizer. ECT is not the worst thing in the world as much as they make it out to be. But we'll see what the neuropsychiatrist says. Going tomorrow to get some results from my latest MRI. Wondering if it will show anything at all related to my stimulant use.

[catw66]

I think I thought my depression was just getting so much worse all by itself (which it can do if unrelieved for a long time)  but maybe it's been the Adderall from what I've been reading. I will ask this shrink what he thinks - if maybe I should just wait it out and see if things get better before I try the ECT. I just feel I let this go on so long, I sort of ran out of time and patience with it all. Yoga has been a help but for some reason, during the spring and summer, my depression is always worse and Ashtanga yoga was no longer doing what it did. And during the better months, if I didn't do it for two days, the depression would return. So I will keep up with that at least. Just got too tired to do anything but I think my brain is getting used to 10 mg. now. Also thinking of playing lumosity.com games just to keep my brain activated. I have a subscription to that. Need to get on that one.

 

I am happy that the two of you are on your way to better times and it was not just in my mind that Adderall might have made thigns worse. Thanks again so much!

[Jon]

Thank you for the hugs, Cat. I truly believe that the exhaustion you feel is directly related to the Adderall. I don't know how long the exhaustion lasts. I've been down for the 18 days since I quit, but I notice an improvment in my endurance. The first 2 weeks was nothing but sleep and rest and work.  The work part has been good because it forces me to DO something while feeling so unmotivated after staying in bed as long as possible.  I stay down usually until I get tearing in my eyes. It's my bodies way of telling me that I've had too much sleep. Sometimes I have sleepless periods that are difficult to deal with, but deal with it I must. I can still feel the Adderall buzzing in my body at times and my appetite is still on Adderall's diet plan. It's hard to believe after 18 days of not ingesting the evil drug.

 

Anyway, you sound stronger and I am happy to read about your improved well being. Keep us posted.

[LILTEX41]

So glad to hear you are feeling better and that you made an appointment with a new doctor. I think it is really important to have someone you like and feel comfortable with.

I know what you mean about the exercise! Sometimes it is so hard to get motivated, but the amazing rush I get from after I do it is always way better and picks up my spirits when I get done. 1) There is that sense of accomplishment and pride that you just did something good for yourself, and 2) You get an amazing rush of natural endorphins which is better than any high. I love yoga too! It's so calming and puts me in my happy place.

Anyhow, you GOT this girl! Just remember that each day the Adderall gets out of your system, you are HEALING and getting STRONGER.

Hugs right back to you!

[catw66]

This is very strange, but after getting through over two weeks of cutting down from 20 mg to 10 mg and getting a lot of rest, adding L-Tyrosine, eventually getting back into my yoga, and adding NAC (another supplement), I realize I am starting to feel much better. Today I didn't take any at all and I didn't experience that odd feeling that I think Adderall gives me within the first two hours of taking it and then the later brain fog/depressive crash that lasts througout the day. The blurred vision has already been greatly reduced.

 

I don't know if I'm just having the odd good day or what, but I'm getting the distinct feeling that the Adderall was about to kill me by worsening my depression to the degree that it did over time. I realize I have a seasonal affective issue and maybe it's just the sunlight that's been out for a while now, but I also clearly see how Adderall was making the depressions almost unbearable with accompanying severe headaches.

 

I feel like over the last week, I've had a few glimpses of lifting mood and then yesterday and today it started to feel much better - like I just felt more even keel.

 

Looking back now, I am finding myself a bit angry again at the man I dated with narcissistic personality disorder who didn't care one bit that I had health issues and severe bipolar illness and just messed with me and strung me along and gas-lighted me mentally and emotionally for 4.5 years. I was so depressed and fatigued from that alone that I turned to Adderall and I never was able to put it together that the bad relationship had brought me really low and was draining my energy. When I finally got rid of this man for good, I just thought I had fallen into a deep depression and was unable to get out and that it was due to the breakup and all the horrendous mental games he played on me over time. It simply didn't occur to me that I wasn't recovering due to not him and the emotional trauma I endured, but the Adderall!

 

While I am glad to finally see this and I can't blame this sick person totally for my plight, I now see that the stress of having dealt with him worsened my fatigue and depression, caused me to reach for the Adderall and never put it together that it was the Adderall bringing me down worse than ever, not a broken heart or an inablity to get over some asshole. So I'm a little mad I had to get played by that person who didn't care that I was fragile and just kept running his game on me and it took me so long to figure out what was happening because narcissists are master manipulators, he did have a caring side, and yet he always made it seem like everything was all my fault. Afterall, I was the sick one with depression...and my brain just working right, etc. ad nauseum.....

 

I feel like had I never met him and got that much more depressed, sidetracked mentally and emotionally, and run down physically from stress, I would not have asked for something like Adderall.

 

Well, at least I have hope now. I feel certain of that. That is worth something after all the suffering I've endured for the last six years about over his man and my worsening fatiuge and depression.

 

I headed out to my appt. to see the ECT doctor Friday morning and I managed to get lost in spite of having the directions. I pulled over in a not very great neighborhood and I couldn't get the address to come up right on the Gramen GPS tool either.

I called and they decided to reschedule but never called me back later Friday as they said. I'm wondering if maybe it was a saving a grace I never went to that appt. as I am already seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with the Adderall ordeal. In short, I see I may not totally need the ECT at all if I keep up with my supplements, take my time recovering, and keep up with my yoga practice - and be a LOT nicer to myself than I have been mentally for making all these mistakes over the years.

 

But I am a little humbled again by the reminder on yet another level, to never underestimate the horrendous effects that can occur in one's life when you let the wrong people in - especially if you are already dealing with a disability or frailty of some sort to begin with and I had all kinds of dysfunctional people in my life for a while. I wonder had I not been on Adderall for the past almost four years, I would have been less complacent and had more energy to go out and make nicer friends. But I was so DAMN tired and untimvated that I just figured I needed the friends I had in spite of their flaws and I just went further into a big spiral of depression.

 

The good thing about all this though is that it led to an astute doctor (who was disgusted my psychiatrist never had my heart checked out this whole time) sending me for a full workup and uncovering a heart condition I didn't know I had. As well, I found the  information the pharmacy gives you with the Adderall RX and all the things I have been complaining about - worsened bipolar disorder, dizziness, blurred vision, chest pains, headaches, and maybe a few more were things I didn't equate to the Adderall. My doctor assured me emphatically it was safe and that it should not be causing my depression or fatigue to get worse! He just thought I should take more and more made things worse.

 

Why was I unable to put two and two together here? I guess because I had been dealing with depression and fatigue before, made worse by the bad relationship, and I was assuming it had all made the two conditions worse and Adderall had nothing to do with it. Boy have I learned a big lesson here!

 

I hope I continue to feel better and better. I have a feeling I will at least mentally. I am hoping I won't have too hard a time just going from 10 mg to nothing now, but I will give it a good try. I want this stuff out of my life and out of my system. At least I finally feeling hopeful and am sure I probably will not be needing the ECT afterall.

 

I also feel I will be able to now get off off the medical marijuana he recommended for me as well as I was beginning to overuse that to deal with the headaches, my lack of motivation, and give me a short burst of relief from my mental torment. When I tried to not use it for 7 months, things gor worse for me and yet the year before I stopped using it the second time, I had quit and did really well without it. So due to Adderall, I was convinced I needed the MMJ just to function through all this.

 

I have nothing at all against it and believe it can be helpful for many things, but I was using that in the wrong way at the wrong times and I see it now as another thing that I really didn't need and could have been making things worse in terms of bipolar mood swings before.

 

I feel like all this revelation is very late in the game for me, but all I can say is better late than never. I feel like my whole life fell down like a house of cards around me. I didn't know where to go and ended up in Michigan and now I know why I came. Had my new doctor not sent me for that echo and had I not found out I had two structural heart defects and that Adderall could be dangerous for me, I never would have stopped taking it, continuing to labor under the illusion that it was the only that gave me at least some energy and/or focus here and there.

 

I am excited now because yoga was starting to help me before I hit my seasonal depression though if I didn't do it for two days, I'd start to sink again. Now I see that it will still be a great help and an even better help and that I might even be able to get off my antidepressant that never worked either. I just never wanted to withdraw from it due to it's worse to get off of than Adderall, but I will face that one when I'm sure it is safe to do so.

 

Thank you so much for being here. Adderall nearly drove me to suicide, I am sure of it now. It is time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start finding life again and what I am meant to do with it. I just hope I can forgive myself. I will have to as beating myself up will not erase the past or buy me back that time and maybe my experience will be of help to someone else at some point.

 

One thing I am excited about is getting back to my video art. I totally lost my mojo on that and I feel a passion coming back today of my mind waking up again, even if it crashes a little as I recover, but I think things will be better now. And I'm glad I found yoga before all this...and this site and you lovely souls as well on the same journey. I am going to go forward with a lot more care and respect for myself as a person who needs clarity and health, not more chaos and chemicals.

[Jon]

Hi Catw66,

 

I was wondering how you are doing. It's been a while since your last post.  When you get a moment, let us know how you are doing, okay? Thanks sweet pea.