Brandy76

Back again...

14 posts in this topic

I first came on this site 6 months ago trying to quit, but I only lasted 5 days.  I came back after recently reading the article on the "7 personality traits...." and I felt compelled to write my story all over again under that aritcle, but figured it would be better here:

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I’m prescriped 30mg IR twice a day (on them for a yr, I’m 36), lately i’ve been breaking them up in halves and just popping them through out the day so I don’t even know how much I go through. I started only taking it during week for work & getting through my fitness regime, now I take it on Saturdays to get my errands done & be pleasant.  Only day off now is Sunday and that's only because I load up on Xanax to literally sleep the whole day. Then back to schedule monday am.

 

It’s gotten so predictable that my mornings when I first take it i’m the happiest & feel like i can do anything, I text so many people, but night time I’m agitated at everything, hate the world, hungry and don’t even have a clue as to what could make me happy by that point..it’s just sad.  One day on them in the afternoon I was so happy making little youtube videos of me being happy/silly dancing, but by the night I was crying.  And I thought to myself this is crazy.

 

All I have to say is WOW with the article (7 personality traits) and WOW with most responses. Reading some of the terms of how Adderall sucks the soul out of you is spot on. I felt like crying while reading them but even though I’m so depressed when the adderall high runs off, i’m so dead inside that I can’t even cry and the horrible state of my life on it. Now that’s sad cuz I used to be able to cry at the drop of a hat.

 

The whole attractive thing also openend my eyes and the need for compliments. Someone whose known me pre adderall commented on how narcissitic and selfish I became. I was always the type who would ask more questions to the other person and never wanting to talk about myself for fear of looking conceited. Now it’s the complete opposite. social media has made it worse. i’ve become addicted to instagram and making collages for instagram especially when on Adderall. The need for positive feedback constantly is horrible.

 

It’s messed up any possible relationships I could have cuz if the person isn’t constantly sucking up to me, I’m thinking “um how come you’re not praising me & my looks constantlyâ€

 

I started it to use as a weight loss since I partake in pageant competitions. It does work wonders for curbing my appeitite but downside is when it wears off I get so ravenous for sweets that it derails my others very strict diet I have to maintain for the pagents – another catch 22. Someothimes i’ll give in to the cravings and binge on sweets, but then I’ll take more adderall and not get all my meals in for the rest of the day. This isn’t a good look when trying to maintain a fit toned physique.

 

I keep telling myself I’ll stop after my next show and it’s been a year and I still haven’t stopped. It’s always something.

 

Another thing I also found is yes on adderall I will clean perfectly, but if i’m on adderall and say on the computer or on instagram, I will stay on that ignroning all my other responsibilities. I now find myself running late to so many things because i’m so focused on somehting mundane like facebook or instagram.

 

When I’m on it since i’m always rushing my room is in a state of dissarry, like in my mind I say i don’t have any time to hang this up so it gets thrown on the floor. AFter I get my laundry done, i think “hmm I don’t have time to put it away, I must go do (insert whatever mundane task) so by end of week all clothes are on floor, clean mixed with dirty. And when I do have to get ready to go anywhere and if I’m on adderall i’ll tend to focus on finding things in this mess that I probably could live without, but my minds keeps saying you gotta find “such and suchâ€.

 

Oh and yes the sleep thing is horrobile so I take xanax everynight. Being in the fitness world I am in the gym twice a day (am & pm) so of course when I wake up groggy from xanax and barely sleeping I take half an adderall with my fat burner to do morning cardio and then the never ending highs/lows continue throught out the day, but the time night falls i’m an emotional mess creating arguments with what few people I do have left in my life, so then I gotta take a xanax to mellow out and stop focusing on the thoughts that are causing me to pick fights with everyone……..ugh after wrighting all of that it’s damn scary what I got myself into just to stay fit and not feel hungry

 

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Read my first post on here (wasn't too long ago) and you will see that you are not alone!! We are very similar. I also felt a pain in my heart when I read the 7 signs.... they all resonated with me SO DEEPLY. I do feel as though we all share those traits and obsessing over certain traits is what feeds our addiction. Our insecurity that we are not good enough in areas that we comparatively excel in. 

 

The comedown does suck and is actually the main reason I quit. I just couldn't deal with the roller coaster anymore. I already have some borderline personality traits and problems with depression and anxiety. Since I went off the meds I have still ended up in the psych ward for threatening suicide. I literally could not handle the push-pull nature of the drug on my moods. Taking Klonopin and Xanax along with Adderall was a thing of mine, too. I felt speedy yet relaxed. It was AMAZING. My friend has also told me that I'm a conceited asshole, and I can't even argue! Other friends have told me that I'm the most caring person in the world! Adderall can seriously fuck your personality.

 

I miss it so much just reminiscing on that right now, but then I think about how it killed my relationships and further shoved my self-esteem in the dirt. I would take Adderall and stare at myself in the mirror. Legitimately stare and be like wow I look so amazing. It made me appreciate my features so much. But, then again, I was on Adderall when I grew up from my teenage facial structure. So, really, Adderall just gives you an illusion. Do you really think you would be less attractive if you stopped putting a pill in your mouth?

 

Seriously, think about it. If you woke up tomorrow and didn't put a pill in your mouth, would you forget how to act in pageants and lose your luster? No, the judges would know no difference. It will take time to restore your confidence again, but it will be so worth it in the long run :). It is worth it to go to bed at night and feel as though there is still hope somewhere in the world. It is natural for humans to get more down in the dumps at night because we are exhausted from the day. Adderall just intensifies that and sucks out all the happiness from you. It's a cycle that you have to recognize, and it looks like you have. Hope you stay with us!!

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thanks whosthisguy for reading my long ramble of of a post - you sound just like me.  This post was most likey done in the morning when the adderrall high is stil fun and makes me happy, yet the longer i'm on it that window of happy has been relegated to just the mornings.  Popping more in the afternoon then in evenings before gym just make for a weeping willow of a disaster when everything wears off at night.

 

I so do the mirror thing too.  Even before adderall i was a "picker" like pop my pimples, pick callouses, but on adderall it's gotten worse.

 

I think the aspect that I do like is so when I'm all dolled up my face does look better because it's so thin now.  But when I see myself not done up alone, i have that hollowness in my lower jawbone area like my jaw is disappearing.

 

Not less attractive but I put a side by side pic up of myself from 1 year ago and it's just drastic.  I wish I could post it but..

 

have you noticed that on adderall you can listen to a song over and over? or maybe that just me, but I become obsessed with certain songs on it and could literally hv that song on repeat for hours, while i'm "busy" doing nothing at home

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Yes, Brandy76, and welcome back to the forum. I have noticed that I tended to listen to songs over and over and over again. This is a beautiful insight and I thank you for shedding light on it. I guess it's the OCD that Adderall brings out in us. 

 

Here's another one for you: I started collecting heart shaped rocks when I became addicted to Adderall. I couldn't pass a rock landscaped building, shopping center, places in the wild or wherever I was, I was looking for heart shaped rocks. I was good at it too. My ability to recognize patterns was magical. Of course I lost some friends along the way because I couldn't be present for them. I have hundreds of heart shaped rocks, but no love in my life to share them....how ironic. A heart of stone was beating in my chest on Adderall.

 

All of this aside Brandy76, I hope you can rally and put on a good quit attempt with Adderall. I would not try to quit all your meds at once, especially the Xanax, because it dangerous to stop cold turkey.

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Yes, Brandy76, and welcome back to the forum. I have noticed that I tended to listen to songs over and over and over again. This is a beautiful insight and I thank you for shedding light on it. I guess it's the OCD that Adderall brings out in us. 

 

Here's another one for you: I started collecting heart shaped rocks when I became addicted to Adderall. I couldn't pass a rock landscaped building, shopping center, places in the wild or wherever I was I was looking for heart shaped rocks. I was good at it too. My ability to recognize patterns was magical. Of course I lost some friends along the way because I couldn't be present for them. I have hundreds of heart shaped rocks, but no love in my life to share them....how ironic. A heart of stone was beating in my chest on Adderall.

 

All of this aside Brandy76, I hope you can rally and put on a good quit attempt with Adderall. I would not try to quit all your meds at once, especially the Xanax, because it dangerous to stop cold turkey.

 

Wow thats so strange how it brings out ocd like symptoms. Your analogy of the rocks is amazing, relatable and sad all at the same time.  That's how I am with Instagram and making collages, on adderall i'm so creative choosing the colors, quotes & of course my pic since I've become so self absorbed and spending so much time getting it "oh so right" it's scary.....and you're right you get so focused in that aspect of things yet ignore everyone else in your life.....

 

I never had too many friends to begin with, but now I really have no one close and the scary part is I don't mind it.  I was the type that always had a boyfriend, never lived alone.  Now I don't even care to meet new people, i'm in my own world and it's scary.  If I didn't find this board and hear others talk about the losing friends part, I would've just chalked it up to me being moody and never the drug.

 

Mentally I've been telling myself everynight that after my last fitness competition, which is around sept, i will stop.  The only thing that scares me is quitting aone..  I remember my ex who knew me pre adderral and during (which is why he's an ex), but he told me I should stop and I told him I can't do it without him, but he wants no part of that

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Brandy76,

 

The whole point of this site is that you don't have to do it alone. Believe me, you have friends here. One thing that concerns me is that in order to quit, we have to hit our bottoms. And our bottoms are individual and unique to each of us. And we are the only ones that can know when we have had enough of the Adderall merry-go-round and really want to quit, but don't know how. This site is your guide and your companion. You seem to recognize some of the negative things Adderall causes you. Are you ready to quit and get on with your life, free from Adderall?

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I know I NEED too especially after seeing all these new traits I have are due to drug and not circumstancial, but I'm very worried about the depression part and gaining weight. It would be great

 

It's weird how self absorbed I am, but lost most of my hair due to this drug yet I still wont stop. I used to pride myself on having long hair, now I wear wigs.  The only day I never use is Sunday and thats cuz I load up on xanax so i can sleep the day away and not focus on why I have no one in my life anymore.  Yea i have "peripheral" people in my life like pageant friends where we just text, but no real bonds. 

 

Any friends I used to have fizzled away; looking back I see why, whenever anyone would invite me out I always thought it was a "set-up" and would make an excuse not to go. 

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LMAO that's so funny you mention it. I don't even know how to explain my weird OCDness with songs!! When I first started abusing stimulants a couple years ago I would feel SO high (I can't come anywhere close to that now, no matter how many I take) that I would listen to techno music on full blast and get lost while doing homework.

 

I get songs stuck in my head all the time, usually the same song. It's super obsessive. And I text my friends random lyrics all the time. All that gets worse on Adderall, lol. I also developed trichotillomania on Adderall, so all these compulsions aren't too abnormal. I see you say that you used to have long hair--is it falling out or are you pulling? If it's the latter then I think we are the same person hahaha.

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LMAO that's so funny you mention it. I don't even know how to explain my weird OCDness with songs!! When I first started abusing stimulants a couple years ago I would feel SO high (I can't come anywhere close to that now, no matter how many I take) that I would listen to techno music on full blast and get lost while doing homework.

 

I get songs stuck in my head all the time, usually the same song. It's super obsessive. And I text my friends random lyrics all the time. All that gets worse on Adderall, lol. I also developed trichotillomania on Adderall, so all these compulsions aren't too abnormal. I see you say that you used to have long hair--is it falling out or are you pulling? If it's the latter then I think we are the same person hahaha.

 

lol that's so funny with the music aspect.  I literaly play this one tune by Lana Del Ray(Young and Beautiful Orchestral version) for hours on end while i'm doing chores on addie.  Not sure if it's me but take a listen and I swear it such a deep song on it's own but for some reason on addie it's super deep lol

 

It slowly fell out/broke off. It's not balding to the scalp, but it broke off slowly from the ends, kept getting shorter and shorter.  Sort of like when someone gets a bad dye job and the hair becomes brittle and breaks off.

 

I do notice that since my hair feels so dry to me when i don't have my wig on at home i'll sit there an itch/pat it down obsessively, but i chalked it up to the dryness factor was causing me to always fidget with it, i guess not lol

 

Now it's so short it it's literally the lenghth of a boy's hair, Even since January when it was to just below my ears and could be worn in a ponytail.  it's slowy gotten shorter and shorter, so scary.  I'm hoping once I stop it will grow back.  And my scalp will itch so  much usually if I take to much addie, that I scratch it with a fork (I know weird)

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Brandy,

Wow, that's intense what you're going through with your hair. I can only imagine what adderall does to us internally if this is what is happening physically. My hair was so thin on adderall. Now, it's thick and grows so fast....many people comment on it, or I don't know if I even would have noticed. My entire look has changed post-adderall....so much healthier. I look back and see that I truly looked like the drug addict I was back then. It's something to look forward to/motivate you to get off the pills.

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Brandy, your self awareness is a strength: you are aware of all the things you're doing to chip away at your real self and yet you're ruining your mental and emotional capacity because you're terrified of eating. Gaining weight must be your worst fear in the world... More than getting ugly (your hair already is ugly, and that hasn't stopped you), getting insular and selfish and ruining your teeth and losing friends.

If I were you, I'd develop another passion outside pageantry. One where you can be free to create and no one gives a shit how you look. Then you can throw off the shackles that are binding you to a lifestyle that will eventually destroy you. And guess what? You may look young for a 36 year old now, but you'll look over 40 in a year if you keep popping pills. (And yes it is the voice of experience - I am 40 and spend no end of money on trying to restore my destroyed, dehydrated skin and hair).

You're a good person with a big heart. I hope you can tell yourself that as well.

Good luck.

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Adderall caused me to hyperfocus on the negative so much and now that I am off, the thoughts come and go and I am not as nailed to misery caused by certain thoughts like I used to be. I can let go more. This is refreshing. I feel like maybe now with all the wisdom I've accumulated in my now 47th year of life, I can start working seriously on some long standing issues and not think a damn pill is going to save the day anymore.

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Adderall caused me to hyperfocus on the negative so much and now that I am off, the thoughts come and go and I am not as nailed to misery caused by certain thoughts like I used to be. I can let go more. This is refreshing. I feel like maybe now with all the wisdom I've accumulated in my now 47th year of life, I can start working seriously on some long standing issues and not think a damn pill is going to save the day anymore.

You said EXACTLY what I have been thinking of late.  In fact I said almost that exact thing to my therapist last night.  

 

The thing about covering your shame and fears with any kind of veil is that they are still there, underneath.  Oh how we waste time trying to build a fortress over a pit of quicksand.  Time to do some excavating.  

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Brandy, your self awareness is a strength: you are aware of all the things you're doing to chip away at your real self and yet you're ruining your mental and emotional capacity because you're terrified of eating. Gaining weight must be your worst fear in the world... More than getting ugly (your hair already is ugly, and that hasn't stopped you), getting insular and selfish and ruining your teeth and losing friends.

If I were you, I'd develop another passion outside pageantry. One where you can be free to create and no one gives a shit how you look. Then you can throw off the shackles that are binding you to a lifestyle that will eventually destroy you. And guess what? You may look young for a 36 year old now, but you'll look over 40 in a year if you keep popping pills. (And yes it is the voice of experience - I am 40 and spend no end of money on trying to restore my destroyed, dehydrated skin and hair).

You're a good person with a big heart. I hope you can tell yourself that as well.

Good luck.

 

thanks for the great feedback, for a second there I thought you actually knew me lol

 

Even before adderall (1 year ago) I was always the type of person that tried new hobbies, but they always centered around looks, I bartended for a bit, tried my hand at acting & modeling.  I get bored very quickly with life

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