clean 16 gr8 days Relapsed tonight..help

[tessa0412]

so ive been addicted to adderall for 5 years steadily trying to quit wanting to quit and really just screwing up with that for about 2 years. i recently opened up to my boyfriend and some friends about how i fell off the wagon since my last "clean up".. that lasted 24 days.. i ushually cant stay clean for more than two weeks. i also started seeeing a therapist who has really been pushing me and helping me and honestly ive never done so much work or insight on myself more than i have the past 3 weeks.. journaling and eating right and just staying consious that im in recovery im an addict and just trying to remember that so my brain doesnt play tricks and make me belive once is ok... today was 16 days

huge

16 straight days of putting my health first ... well untill tonight

i didnt journal today and yesterday and today kind of just floated through the day without any affirmations meditation journaling or staying consious of my goal ... i really wanted to take some earlier today when i was triggered at the pharmecy getting my birth control.. so i had adderall thoughts for sure

my boyfriend was gone tonight so i invited some friends over for a chill movie night.. or so i thought.. they inivited like 4 more girls over whom im friends with but choose not to be around ushually because they use.

i knew this but said ok come over anyway

 

god forbid i say no and put myself first and just be honest.. right?

well i saw some in someones bag and i was triggered. i went for it and took some.. i actually stole these... the whole shame guilt and im clean!! ~ couldnt be seen or shown to anyone.. im very secretive and alone in this addiction so its like maybe if i steal it and no1 knows than i can "pretend i dont know and that i didnt do this. terrible, i know but i did. i actually had heavy thoughts of no dont do this dont waste ur 16 days u will be fine and it was an imense feeling.. i ushually turn that off.. so it was a good sign i felt that but i still friggen said fuck it and took it. and than took some more.

 

every time i take an adderall it cant be one. this is so dangerous...i know this yet i decided to fuck up my 16 days. 

im feeling down and just like sitting in my self pity or just like this feeling of u chose this. deal with it.

 

i guess what im asking here is how everyone copes when relapsing after a good positive stretch. what do u do after? i mean that sounds silly but i guess i just need some guidence i dont wanna dwell on this any longer

 

what are some relapse prevention skills u guys have>

 

am i still in recovery? i know that answer is yes, but i cant help but feel like im starting way over ... not 16 days over but like day one from 2 years ago over... im sure u know the feeling.

[ally]

I always have this feeling :/

[Kev9765]

Sorry Ally, I'm new to trying to quit Addy, and had my first relapse.  I don't know how much my advice would help, but maybe try to not think of it like 2 years or even 16 days is wasted, and just follow whatever routine you used before you took the pills.  Maybe we all get too caught up in counting how many days we've been free from Addy.  If we don't count, maybe we wouldn't think about it as often.  That being said, I went 10 days without taking it and being addicted for about four and a half years.  Relapsed on Monday, took one 20 mg, and now I'm doing 60 mg again.  Good luck!