JustinW Posted August 13, 2013 Report Share Posted August 13, 2013 February 3rd 2013 marks the start of my second attempt at quitting Adderall. My first attempt was cold turkey and lasted 4 months. I went back on Adderall in December of 2012 because I was feeling really dense and couldn't keep it together. I decided to ween myself off in January 2013 because I realized that I was a complete a-hole on Adderall and I didn't want to be chained to that poison any longer. My original reason for quitting Adderall was that I wanted to get my private pilot's license and the FAA doesn't allow pilots to take it. I started taking Adderall XR in 2010 and my dose was up to 25mg per day plus 5mg of regular Adderall as needed for a late in the day boost. I thought that it was a miracle with how much I was able to accomplish at home and work. What I didn't realize is that it was killing my homelife. I am working on repairing all of the damage that I have done to my relationships with my family. Once that is done, I hope that I can find some sort of work that I don't hate and makes a difference. Today I am having one of my "missing adderall" days, but they seem to come less often. I hope that I can offer encouragement to others in their journey. This website and all of its contributors have been a great help for me all along my journey. Quitting Adderall is one of the most difficult things that I have ever done. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted August 15, 2013 Report Share Posted August 15, 2013 Good job man. I'm looking forward to the 120 day mark. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brandy76 Posted August 16, 2013 Report Share Posted August 16, 2013 Wow great post & congratulations for continuing to stay off of it. I totally can relate to being an asshole on it, I become so self centered it seems like I care about no one, but then late at night when it's out of my sysem I get so sad realizing how alone I am, then I pop a xanax to take that edge off and feel semi good/relaxed. What I don't get is if this drug only stays in your system for a few hours, how does it have such profound lingering effects causing personality changes, etc.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted August 17, 2013 Report Share Posted August 17, 2013 What I don't get is if this drug only stays in your system for a few hours, how does it have such profound lingering effects causing personality changes, etc.... You just answered your own question. While you may feel high for only a few hours, the drug rewires your brain rather quickly and for a long time after you quit. It takes many. many months to unhook your brain from the adderall mindset, even with total abstinance from the adderall. that is why it is so hard to quit and stay quit. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted August 18, 2013 Report Share Posted August 18, 2013 Couldn't agree more quit-once. The Adderall mindset is the hardest thing to recoup from. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted August 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 Wow great post & congratulations for continuing to stay off of it. I totally can relate to being an asshole on it, I become so self centered it seems like I care about no on Thank you Brandy, and what really surprised me is that the term "heartless bastard" was used quite frequently but hasn't surfaced once since quitting. "Asshole" still gets thrown around on occasion though. Weekends are really tough for me because I don't have a structured schedule; does anyone else have that problem? I was supposed to fix the oil leak on my car, kill weeds, and fix my soffits this weekend. I fixed the car and then got distracted teaching the kids how to play golf for the rest of Saturday and Sunday. I have always been this way except for when I was on Adderall. I blamed the Adderall for a long time, believing that I wasn't this way before taking it but that was a lie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted August 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 Blesbro offered me a challenge to do the following in another thread: "I suggest writing down where you're at in your life right now.What's good about your life What do you really want to change about your life? It doesn't matter where you've been at one point in life because you need to focus on moving forward from where you are now. After 6 months, you should be physically recovered and it's just a mental game.Below that, write where you want to be in life. If life was ideal, and adderall didn't screw things up for you, where would you be? Then I suggest writing down a few goals that really excite you." I didn't want to take over their thread so I figured that I would put it here as a challenge and a reminder to myself of something that I need to do. I am not very good at introspection and I am somewhat locked into my job so I don't know what my answers will look like. I have had a copy of "Regenerative Breaking How To Slack Off Productively" printed out and taped to my desk that has helped me through some really tough days. Today I am taking it down because I feel that I have grown beyond the need for the visual reminder. The process is still extremely valuable to me. [baby Steps] I am still working on the "13 Milestones of Quitting" and I hope to attain #6 "complete your first big project without Adderall" both personally and professionally within the next month and a half. Both projects are a year in the making. I have not achieved 6 - 13 yet. I view my work life as a string of small projects (#4) to help me get through my day. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted August 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 The pills went in the trash last night! This morning I am glad to be at work otherwise I would be fishing them out. Why is this such a difficult hurdle? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest greg Posted August 24, 2013 Report Share Posted August 24, 2013 The pills went in the trash last night! This morning I am glad to be at work otherwise I would be fishing them out. Why is this such a difficult hurdle? probably tough because they were your walking crutch so you got to start walking on your own, and of course you will start to walk on your own. Power to you for tossing them. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted September 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2013 OK, so I had an hour of inner conflict last Friday with regards to the desire to start taking my pills again. Yesterday afternoon I got into a depressive state that took a strong hold on me for about 5 hours. Today was going fine until my boss walked by and gave me a dirty look instead of his usual good morning and that put me back into a little bit of a funk. I'm just writing this to be honest about my feelings and show that we all have our bad days even after 7 months off. Having said that, I am picking myself up, dusting myself off, and moving on in a positive direction for the rest of the day. Or at least faking it until I make it so. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted September 20, 2013 Report Share Posted September 20, 2013 I remember having lots of inner conflicts with myself around that time, too. I think that's normal. You just have to remember that it's the addiction telling you that you need the drug, it's not the truth. Looking back, I consider seven months to still be pretty early in my recovery process. You will feel much better in another few months, and then another few months, etc.. Sidenote: I just read "Anatomy of an Epidemic" by Robert Whitaker (awesome book), and he mentions a large scale study of ADD drugs that showed that by year three of kids taking stimulants, they started a cognitive decline. Year three was the average turning point when amphetamines started doing the opposite and making their ADD and academic performance worse...so just remember that you had to quit anyway, that the honeymoon phase of Adderall leads to diminishing returns. Drugs cause chemical imbalances, not the other way around, and that is why it's so hard on your brain when they're withdrawn, because your brain made changes to adapt to the chemical imbalance it was put through all those years. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted October 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2013 I am coming up on 8 months in a few days so I figured I'd add an update to my thread. It was our 12 year anniversary on Sunday and my wife and I were able to chisel out some time to have a meaningful conversation. This is a difficult thing for us because either the kids are interrupting or her health has her bed ridden. Even though she didn't realize it, she gave me a big piece of motivation when she said "you are a lot nicer and I think our relationship has gotten a lot better recently". The flip side of this is the realization that I caused a lot of damage to our relationship while I was on adderall. I'm glad that I just wrote that because I have had a stretch of 3 bad days and was contemplating going back on adderall to help me push to figure out the next step of our lives because of some really tough events that are coming down the pike. I have known that these things were coming but they seem to be taking an accelerated course. I have noticed that I have more rough days when I don't get a good night's sleep of at least 9 hours and I haven't been sleeping well lately. So there you have it, I am emotionally weak and vulnerable today but I am seeking peace and direction. I just pray that I'm not too stupid to notice my open door. Thanks for reading and thank you everyone for being a part of this wonderful community. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krax Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 my wife is the reason I'm still not using. Most people get to the point of having to tell their doctor, but I just had to tell her, back on November 15, 2012, and she's kept me from relapsing. She tells me the same stuff, how much easier going I am, and how much better I am with the kids, ect, so hang in there it's worth it. Our marriage is better in every way with me off of speed. The funny thing is, is in the last year I've done better at work - even though it feels like I'm useless,when I look at the end results I see that I've actually been more productive . 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted October 4, 2013 Report Share Posted October 4, 2013 Hey 1Bad, That was a very open and honest post you made. I think it's great that you are closing in on 8 months, I'm concerned about your thoughts about picking up again. You are probably losing sleep because your mind is working double-time worrying about the "tough events coming down the pike." The only way I know of to get this kind of burden out of my mind it to talk about it. Put it out there. You have a whole support network who can help you with these things. Lots of perspectives, diversity and wisdom. It is certainly better than going back on the pill for a little temporary high test brain power. Let us help you get your 9 hours sleep again. btw: I'm still taking in 10-12 hours of sleep and when I'm not sleeping, I'm sleepy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted October 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 4, 2013 Another day with disrupted sleep. A kitten showed up at our back door this morning at about 5am which sent our dog into a frenzy. I told my wife that she wouldn't like my solution to the problem but I was hosed at that point so not much sleep occurred. I need to disappear into the woods for a couple of days; maybe I'll figure some stuff out there. My wife's health issues continue on the decline and the doctors won't say where things are headed or what kind of time lines are involved. We are waiting for the results from her latest round of testing. Work has also been weighing heavily on me, adderall dulled my entrepreneurial spirit and allowed me to be complacent; the funny thing is that the drug is such a liar that it is trying to make me believe that it will help me come up with new business ideas. I've never seen a long term future where I'm at and it seems to be accelerating downward so I'm trying to put together an exit strategy. I'm thinking 2-3 smaller cash flow companies so my portfolio is diversified, instead of having all of my eggs in 1 basket as I have in the past and right now. Maybe the variety will help with my ADHDi a little better too. Finding 2-3 worthy avenues is the tough part. It sounds like I just need to learn more patience I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted October 4, 2013 Report Share Posted October 4, 2013 Sorry to hear about another night's disrupted sleep. Also sorry about your wife having health issues. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.