lunax

Am I really here?

20 posts in this topic

at the pharmacy picking up a prescription because I am drowning in my work. I have such mixed emotions about this. I've been happier these passed two weeks but I cannot afford to fall behind this way.

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Thank you for your honesty Lunax. We cannot know what we are capable of acheiving unless we try. You will have learned something this go around, yes? You'll know where to make adjustments next time.

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Thanks for your responses. I've spent the last few weeks reading through all of the posts on here which has been incredibly helpful and comforting to me. I was afraid to post this because i don't want people to stop talking to me nor do i want to trigger anyone to use.

It was a very difficult decision to take it again. In all honesty i can't explain how sad it made me feel to take that first one. The fucked up thing is that just one little pill was enough to awaken this beast inside of me which instantly made me want to start abusing it.

i wish I could control this urge because I genuinely have a hard time concentrating and getting motivated. I have a very demanding job and to top it off am planning a wedding and going through the process of buying my first home.

I know this sounds like a bunch of fluff but I just can't afford to fall behind on this stuff which is why I started taking it again.

I recently told my fiancé and best friend that I was abusing my meds. (This was after i finished off a months supply in two weeks and ended up in the emergency room with kidney pain). I made them both aware of the fact that I am back on adderall now and have asked them to check in with me periodically. I am going to do my best to take my prescribed dose (30mgs per day) and swore to both of them that I would let them know if I start getting out of control. I don't really trust myself to do this but I think that making them aware of my problem has been a step in the right direction.

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well timing is everything with quitting adderall. Next time you will be more prepared. Good luck with your wedding! 

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I'm sure it's not easy coming here and being honest. We all know the nature of the beast. You'll decide to quit when the time is right. I hope it's sooner rather than later for your well-being. Sometimes it takes a period of time to decide you're ready, and even though I was ready, it's been the hardest thing I've ever done. I truly wish you the best, and I hope you know you have a "home" here.

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All I can say is: as an alcoholic, you can't control the urge. As a former Adderallic, you can't control the urge. It's a drug addiction.

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Also, when you decide you're ready to quit for real, it's imperative that you cut off your supply by severing ties with your doctor or telling him/her you don't want to be prescribed anymore. 

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All I can say is: as an alcoholic, you can't control the urge. As a former Adderallic, you can't control the urge. It's a drug addiction.

Agreed, once you cross over from just taking it to dependency u lose control over what you're doing.

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What a great thread.  

 

Firstly, that the support for Lunax  is here, even though she admitted to relapsing.  That's strength, and forgiveness.  

 

Although I haven't been around a lot lately, I think the break from the forums has been both good and bad:  good because I was spending too much time here and there was a lot of life to be had right outside my window (!), and bad because I have been really, really tempted to start back on the adderall and if I'd come here earlier I would have gotten my dose of reality and support, rather than battling it out by myself.

 

Anyway, not to detract from what you're going through Lunax.  We all know how hard it is.  We fight it every day.

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Lunax,

 

Going back on Adderall made me realize how much I wanted to be off Adderall and gave me the strength to see it through this far.  I hope that this will be a short period in your story and that you find the time and dedication to kick it for good sometime in the near future.  Best of luck with all of the exciting events occurring in your life.

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Yes, it is.  Have you worked on your plan for quitting yet?  It doesn't need to have dates at this point but it might help you feel better making steps in the right direction.

 

It sounds like you may be abusing again, if so, have you told your friend and fiancé the truth?

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I am abusing but not just for fun. Ive been working on a huge project which I am presenting on Thursday. I'm under a lot of pressure which in turn has led me to take one after the other after the other after the other.

I told her about it. She's being gentle and appreciates my honesty. She is concerned but I'm not sure she knows what to do. Perhaps I need to guide her a bit more.

I also mentioned it to my therapist during the last 3 seconds of our session and I have a feeling she will be threatening to call the doctor that prescribes to me and tell her to cut me off. (Maybe this is wishful thinking I don't know.)

As for my fiance I haven't told him. He just doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it. Like I could turn around and say "remember when i told i was addicted to adderall? Well the doctor says this is normal and I'm fine"...and he would believe it. His father was an alcoholic so maybe its easier for him to pretend that he's not marrying an addict.

I'm tired, I'm drained, I'm dehydrated, i want to stop.

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Lunax,

 

I strongly recommend you don't start out your marriage as an addict. I did, and it was a tumultuous first year. I was bitchy, paranoid, self-absorbed and argumentative all the time. My husband got pretty sick of my bullshit and had one foot out the door until I quit. He also gave me a lot of tough love during quitting and recovery, which I think sometimes addicts need (even though I hated it at the time). As an addict you're a fragile, selfish little baby and it helps to have someone give you doses of hard objective reality to make you realize you're not the center of the universe and the world won't end if you sober up. Recurring addictions are one of those things that lead to divorce pretty frequently because it's not something you can work on as a couple. Only the addict can stop using. Being a sane spouse and not getting divorced is a compelling reason to stay sober. Maybe you want to make it more clear to your fiancé the magnitude of your problem. If his dad was an alcoholic, he probably understands addiction.

 

But as I said, you are the one that has to quit, regardless of your fiancé's comments. If you're waiting for him to give you the kind of support you want, you might be waiting forever and/or use that as an excuse never to quit. Perhaps going to NA meetings, getting some phone numbers you can call during your quit, will help you. Because those people get it for sure. You won't need to spell it out to anyone you meet in NA. You'll say your addicted to amphetamines and they'll nod and say Oh, with the knowingness that yeah, amphetamines are fucking addictive.

 

I highly doubt your therapist would call your doctor. They're counselors, not the police, and they're confidential.

 

Last point: your marriage is more important than your job. Say worst case scenario you quit speed and get fired from your job (which was a huge fear for me but never happened). You can always get another job. But ruining your relationship is much more serious. Is being a star at your job worth ruining your relationship(s) over?

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What Cassie said is exactly on point.  I had been putting together a similiar response in my head for the past couple of hours but she covered it perfectly.

 

What do you really want out of life?  What are your priorities?  This brought an old comedy routine to mind:

 

Person A:  "Aren't you worried about losing your job?"

Person B:  "No, I was looking for one when I found this one"

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Cassie is dropping truth bombs on a village called Lunax.  Adderall cost me a perfectly good relationship and my job too. I didn't realize it till months after quitting  my priorities were backwards.  I was working hard and not smart. 

 

At any rate try not to think about it untill after your big presentation. 

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Cassie the last thing u said... stuck with me all day! Especially while i slaved over writing my reports which I know damn well will sound like a giant bowl of word salad in the morning. And had little to know interaction with anyone...including my dog. None of that seemed worth the excessive pill popping and solitude I experienced.

Life would be so much worse if I ruined this relationship. Of course he's not perfect but for me he very close to it. We are 4 mths from walking down the isle and Lately I've been experiencing a lot of wedding jitters mostly because I worry about being a shitty wife, not being able to reproduce, or turning into a junky mom.

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