Zerokewl

The Bully

23 posts in this topic

   Early this evening I was at home doing some work. Got a text from a number I didn't recognize.  It was someone who tormented me in High School. We'd spoken on Facebook a few weeks earlier he'd just moved to the city and he wanted to go for coffee.

 

  Okay great I figure he wanted me to score weed for him or something. I don't really smoke weed but I just seem like the kinda guy who can get you weed. But whatever I've been pretty lonely these days so I figure whatever high school was forever ago. We set up a meet.

 

  I hop in his truck get to talking. We go grab some coffees and go for a walk. Talking about kids , life etc. We stop for a smoke along the river.  I'm actually really enjoying this guys company. He begins to tell me about his issues with substance abuse and he just wanted to apologize for picking on me in high school.

 

  The conversation is still really easy. We walk some more. I tell him a little bit about what I've been going through this summer. We walk some more. Talk some more. In total we walked 7.5 miles.

 

  End up talking some more in his truck. I can't believe this guy who bullied me in high school is  my first sober friend. It felt like the start of a good Bro-mance.  Amazing evening. 

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This story is powerful...wow! Thanks for sharing! It sounds like he's making amends, and it's so cool you were open to talking to him after the bullying, AND you got a sober friend out of the deal. This made my morning :)

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In looking out for your best interests Z, I refer you back to the title of your thread: The Bully.

 

Remember that once a bully always a bully. All they need is the right circumstances and learning your weaknesses (your loneliness, your recovery, etc...). Bullies choose their targets with great care and lull them into a false sense of security— a Bro-mance, if you must.  When the pounce comes, you won’t know what hit you.  It will also be a trap….one you can’t escape from. Do you really want to put your recovery in the hands of someone who tormented you in High School?

 

When we hear a story that sounds too good to be true, it ain’t. Stay away from this guy...who found you right out of thin air.

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Jon, 

 

    You make such a good point. I'm way to trusting with my feelings and emotions. I'm glad I posted this so you could call me on it. I really need to be more careful. I've fallen into this trap before. 

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Jon,

Do you really believe people don't change? While I agree that proceeding with caution is smart, the guy spilled it about his own substance abuse issues. I was NOT who I was on adderall. Sure, you don't have to be best friends, but I think that's a cynical view. Why do you think people make amends in AA and NA? I usually give people the benefit of the doubt, but of course, this really isn't my business...just my two cents.

P.S. People say I tend to be too naive sometimes, but I don't think it's always a bad thing. I have a friend who often thinks people are out to get him when they're not, and I'd much rather be the way I am.

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I think you are both right. I need to proceed with caution. I was buddies with him in grade 9 until his quest for popularity turned him into a d-bag.  Our walk reminded me of our adventures catching crayfish in grade 9. He talked about how he followed people and bullied me because he wanted to fit in. I don't really know now. It was a fun night and he mentioned he'd been sober for 5 years after a stint in rehab for (coke & alcohol ). I didn't tell him about my issues until after he offered his story.

 

 He works out of town so I doubt i'll see him that much. Jon is right tho I definitely should be cautious. My quest for a sober buddy may be blinding me.   

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Hey Sasquatch (that's what my husband says you call someone from Saskatchewan, he he),

 

I'm sure your intuition will tell you whether the guy has good intentions or not. If I were the same person I was in high school, I'd be kind of a mean bitch who gave into peer pressure really easily and had raging mood swings, lol. Completely the opposite of the mellow, live and let live person I am as an adult.

 

One of my best friends in college stopped talking to me 8 years ago for no reason, and he has recently reached out to me and apologized for the shutdown, said that he was addicted to painkillers and...wait for it... Adderall! and that he has felt terrible about our fallout. I thought it took a lot of balls for him to do that, especially since he knew I was pissed at him severing our friendship. Change is the essence of life, people grow and evolve, and if your friend has kids that can definitely soften you, too.

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Zerokewl,

 

I don't think you should worry.  I know because I've been in AA and usually anyone who has made it through to step 9 is pretty committed to their sobriety. They are trying to change and it sounds to me like he was being pretty sincere.  That is so great to have a sober friend!  I could use some myself these days. 

 

People can change.  I am a firm believer.  He may fall backwards at some point.  Nobody is perfect.  We are humans and we all make mistakes.  Life is a learning process.  We fall down, we get back up.  We screw up.  We correct our errors. We move forward.  Maybe some people never learn from their mistakes.  I think most do.  Doesn't mean we don't ever screw up again, but at I feel like most people in general want to do better and be better than they have in the past.  Maybe sometimes we aren't even aware we need to change until someone else points it out.  I like being compassionate with people as I know how much compassion I've needed from others over a lifetime.  I just really don't believe this guy has any bad intentions with you. He is just reaching out to do what's expected of him in the program.  I think it is great to have someone to connect with. 

 

Glad you have a new buddy! :)

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Another interesting thread!  

 

First off, zerokewl, I commend you for entertaining the prospect of being in touch with someone who'd hurt you before.  That takes bravery (or stupidity, take it from the girl whose heart has been broken over and over by agreeing to go on "just a drink and a catch up" with ex-boyfriends).  But in your case, it seems like it was a really positive thing.

 

Not sure if this helpful, but I'm reading a really great book at the moment called, "Daring Greatly".  The author has done some interesting research on the topic of vulnerability, and i think what might be going on between us and the views we're putting forward, is a reflection on what the book says.. putting yourself out there, especially when you've been hurt before, is one of the most terrifying things you can do.  It's like our brains say to us that we have to choose a binary state - between either self protection and guardedness, or being open and potentially getting hurt again.  

 

Maybe you can arrive at a place where you being open doesn't cause you pain (or the potential for pain) and you can appreciate the situation and your "friend" for what he is... a human, flawed, hurting etc... and yet this person poses no threat to you.  Because you're safe.  

 

That's the place I think we are all trying to get to.  A safe place within ourselves.  To live those five words for the last 7 or 8 years for me has been the biggest challenge of all.  Adderall numbed the ache, for a while, and made me feel confident... until it all came crashing down and I'm still living through the consequences.  

 

Anyway, sorry for the rambly message (I promise I'm not on adderall I just haven't logged in for a while so I'm really excited to hear everyone's stories!), I just wanted you to know that to put yourself out there, like you did, is a pretty remarkable thing.  It takes strength to be vulnerable, and not hurt.  Go, you!

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A safe place within ourselves. How true this statement is. I love when you're around here, MFA, for insight like that....brilliant.

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I second that brilliant!  I thought about that idea "a safe place within my self"last night. I don't think I quite understand what it means to me yet. But I hope to.

 

Jon gives some solid "man" advice. This is exactly how bullies operate,finding weakness and exploiting it , and its happened before. I'm going to keep an eye out for it.  I was so excited to have a friend in Recovery.  You folks are my friends in recovery this is my safe place for recovery.  

 

I've been reading about Hungry Ghosts a Buddhist concept of ghouls that have small throats, pinhole mouths and huge bellies. They are starving due to their small mouths.  They represent addiction and numbing the pain of our past lives. Addiction is a symptom of pain. My meeting with my friend took away some of the pain of being bullied in high school.  

 

My head is filled with ideas today. Just when I think I have this thing figured out.  Something changes, but  this is the nature of life. The only constant is change, how we adapt is what we will be remembered for.    

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Zerokewl,

Nice reflection! This forum is full of people who are at the same time thoughtful, caring, smart and take-no-prisoners. You fit right in.

I was just going to mention a psychological term used to describe highly selfish people... Users, should I say; narcissists. But it goes beyond the narcissism with some people to a fully blown mental health issue when they become neglected.

Have a look at the concept of "idealize devalue then discard". Get informed on sociopathic and psychopathic behavior. At least, even if next time you are with the guy you are looking at it from the outside not the other way around. I say enjoy the power!

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idealize devalue then discard thank-you. I never realized it but these types of people have had a profound effect on my life.  I am going to read more on this topic!

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I'm not sure, never heard it. You should definitely read the book though. It's informative but also really hilarious. He also wrote The Men Who Stare at Goats.

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I'm happy to report that "The Bully" has been a really good friend to me over the last few months. He has really acted like a sponsor for me. Reconnecting with him has been great comfort to me. He wants to get back into RC car racing I am looking forward to this new hobby.  

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I'm happy to report that "The Bully" has been a really good friend to me over the last few months. He has really acted like a sponsor for me. Reconnecting with him has been great comfort to me. He wants to get back into RC car racing I am looking forward to this new hobby.  

When I am wrong, I'll admit it. I guess that there are some people who were bullies and can change their ways. I'm glad this worked out for you Z.

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well to be fair my friend admits that he was a bully when he wasn't sober.  He has changed and meeting with me was part of making amends.  It has been one of the bright spots in 2013, being somewhat of a loner in high school I have no friends from high school.  People and not things top the list  of things I am thankful for in my Post Adderall life .

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