Ali

Relapse

38 posts in this topic

Right now I feel like a joke, a failure and a pathetic human being. I started my adderall use 5 years ago. Following my divorce I couldn't cope and used it as my crutch to sell my home care for two kids and hold down my stressful and unfulfilling job. I have always been a perfectionist and prided myself on being in control of my life, health and family. When I started taking adderall it made me feel powerful, confident and ready to conquer the world I thought I had found something special but in reality I had found the road to emptiness and isolation. As my tolerance for this little orange pill grew I began taking more and more staying up all night reading and chatting to people online. I became addicted to the trance like state it put me in and was able to block out pain but also everything that was meaningful and worth while. My children always meant the world to me and although I always was able to make sure I provided them with the basic care and love they needed I knew I wasn't being the parent I once was and needed to be. Their needs became secondary to my love of adderall. I wasn't connected to them in an intimate and authentic way and was missing out on the joy of knowing them and making their life my priority.

I also was in the midst of a turbulent affair with a man who knew nothing of my adderal abuse. This relationship was riddled with lies and my behavior was bordering on psychotic due to my lack of sleep, pressure of divorce and my inability to perform at work. I lost 20 pounds chain smoked and looked like a heroin addict . I have always been a pretty girl that took pride in her appearance but at the end when I hit rock bottom I was a hollow, jittery shallow and neurotic mess.

I finally confessed to my boyfriend that I had a problem and he agreed to help me get clean. I handed over my pills and with tight control I was able to gradually wean myself off them. It was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. But did it. There were days when I felt like I wouldn't make it through the day. I couldn't focus at work and thought I was going to pass out at my desk. As the days went by I found myself gradually getting back to normal.

Well I married this man had another child and things were going well. Until I started to feel a lack of focus again at work and struggled with raising three children a home and work. I deluded myself that now that things were stable in my like I could control adderall and taking a small dose would help me manage my busy life. I went to my Dr and asked for a low dose. Now I'm back at it and addicted. I'm lost and conflicted the pain has returned .

I hate myself and this drug. Someone help me!

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(((((Ali))))))),

 

You CAN start your recovery RIGHT where you left off.  You can just hop right back on the wagon and MOVE FORWARD.  All you have to do right now is make the decision that you want to quit.  It sounds like you do.  That's all you need - a DESIRE to quit Adderall.  You CAN DO THIS.   

 

It took me quite a few attempts before I quit for good.  Don't beat yourself up over this tiny little setback. That's ALL this is - a ROAD BUMP on your path to recovery.  Shake the dust off and use this experience to your advantage to push you further in recovery. 

 

I will NOT allow this to defeat me

I am a CHAMPION

I will OVERCOME this struggle

I will use my experience to help others

I have a beautiful life awaiting me with abundance in RECOVERY

 

HUGS!

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I'm really glad you posted your relapse story. You remind us how easy it is to slip back into it.  Keep posting, keep trying.    

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(((((Ali))))))),

 

You CAN start your recovery RIGHT where you left off.  You can just hop right back on the wagon and MOVE FORWARD.  All you have to do right now is make the decision that you want to quit.  It sounds like you do.  That's all you need - a DESIRE to quit Adderall.  You CAN DO THIS.   

 

It took me quite a few attempts before I quit for good.  Don't beat yourself up over this tiny little setback. That's ALL this is - a ROAD BUMP on your path to recovery.  Shake the dust off and use this experience to your advantage to push you further in recovery. 

 

I will NOT allow this to defeat me

I am a CHAMPION

I will OVERCOME this struggle

I will use my experience to help others

I have a beautiful life awaiting me with abundance in RECOVERY

 

HUGS!

This is such an inspirational post LILTEX.  Such positivity here.  I think we all can learn from this, every day.  

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Thank you so much for responding. I so needed to hear that. I am heading to work and dreading it. I am struggling to stay awake. I have 7 pills left until my next refill and the plan is to wean. My next script is due 10/1. I need to summon every last bit of strength to not get more. How do I do it?

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I'm so scared that I will fail. I hate myself on this drug. While I am productive beyond question I lose my personality become withdrawn paranoid and have no sense of humor. I I am full of rage anxiety and anger. Have no tolerance believe I am above everyone around me and feel the real me is buried under the weight of this burden.

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You can do this! There are no easy answers. It's gonna be tough, but this is a fight for your LIFE! At some point you have to decide what matters most.

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You can do this! There are no easy answers. It's gonna be tough, but this is a fight for your LIFE! At some point you have to decide what matters most.

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Thank you for your complete honesty in your post and welcome to the forum.  You can quit, you proved that you can do it already.  I think that what you should do now is write a letter to yourself including your reasons for quitting so you don't romanticize it later and start using again.  When tempation arises, read your letter.  Hopefully you can have a candid conversation with your doctor in order to cut off your supply.

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I know I can do it. I managed on 1 pill today which is a miracle. I couldn't get a thing done of course but I made it through my work day. Tomorrow I'm going to take less than today. Just pray I don't refill.

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Well guys I made it through the day. My head is fuzzy can't wait to sleep but I feel calm. I can do this. I really can. Oh I bought a stack of supplements too and ate blueberries all day. I-tyrosine is good stuff.

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Ali,

Excellent! One day down!! Just keep on keepin' on, and you'll be juuuuust fine :)

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If you can, reserve some days for sleep. Sleep and rest are what you need for a little while.

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I have three children so no that's not an option. I guess I need someone to remind me why I'm doing this. I feel like a Zombie right now. I just want to feel normal again.

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It's an insidious ugly drug that is ruining peoples lives. I'm suffering so much now and so tired. It allows people to cheat through life and we know that's always going to have consequences. There are no short cuts. I'm not going to fill that damn script.

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I think it's great that you are posting all of this here; one day you may need the reminder of how awful adderall really is.

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This is the worst day. I felt like I was going to literally have a break down today. My ability to cope without this drug short term is tantamount to impossible . I'm still on track though. I'm probably going to end up divorced I have screamed at my husband so many times. I can't tell him it would not be a good idea. We went through hell getting me off this drug and telling him I relapsed would be a mistake. So I have to muddle through. Thanks for all the support. I'm so depressed right now. I can barely think!

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Ali,

 

I think your husband deserves to know why you are yelling at him and you will feel a giant weight off your back if you tell him the truth. 

 

Yes, it's really hard right now, but you are doing AWESOME!  You made it two days!!!!  Pat yourself on the back.  So proud of you for hanging in there and coming here for support.  :)

 

IT WILL GET BETTER.  JUST GO TO sleep for now if you can.  Maybe if your husband knows he will be able to help you with the kids so you can get through this easier. 

 

You got this!!

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