Ali

A struggle for self and family.

15 posts in this topic

I'm down to 5mg of adderall. I have been weaning off for two weeks and I have two more days before it's over. I know I have to stop but I don't want to. I love the insidious little rush and drive it gives me. I love smoking in the morning when I have taken my first pill. I love the ability it gives me to focus and filter out all the crap I don't want to think about. I love dopamine swimming in my brain and the feeling of well being that washes over me. Why should I stop and give all that up? Because it's killing my soul it's destroying who I am and who I can become. I hate the feeling I'm cheating those around me, I hate the secrets, I hate the anxiety, the personality changes that make me feel buried under its influence. It's like being possessed that little pill is like the door to letting a demon enter your soul and eat away to destroy all that's unique and special about me. I'm possessed by it and it consumes me. Without it I'm a shell I have to face my insecurities, rebuild my dignity face the mundanity of sobriety, boredom but worse of all I have to face myself. I didn't like me I wasn't good enough, something was missing and adderall filled the void. Ironically I have discovered that there must have been things I did like or why would I decide to stop. Or am I stopping because I don't want to lose my family my husband my life as I know it. Deep down within myself I know I want to reclaim who I was but I have forgotten who she is. Am I enough to live happily ever after. The first time I got clean I thought I was but my spouse cheated on me. Leading me to think I wasn't enough how could I be? My rational brain tells me that it's up to me to measure my worth not the actions of others. But that nagging doubt pervades my thoughts. One things for sure I have to try because loosing my family is the greatest fear and motivator I have. So sobriety is my only option.

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Sobriety takes some getting use to, I'm starting to forget what it was like to be on adderall. That warm rush and the feeling I will finish everything today. But there are so many things I don't miss. Like exhaustion from binges, cold hand, clenched teeth, bad breath, numbness, anti-social activity etc etc.  From my perspective 4.5 months clean it is totally worth it and I will never touch it again. Just prepare for your quit, make your first month as easy as possible. Sleep will be your best medicine for the first month so adjust your schedule accordingly.  

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Well tomorow is my final dose I'm dreading it beyond belief. No more crutch a life of mundanity and a month or two of struggle. Getting through the days is going to be hard. Physically I'm ok now I can stay swam but emotionally I feel very weak. Say some prayers for me and wish me luck. I would like to say I feel strong but I don't.

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Take it one day at a time, break it down to one hour or even one minute at a time if need be.  Recovery is not a race, it is an endurance test.  It sounds like the small dosages aren't doing much for you anymore and you are already experiencing withrawl symptoms.  Hopefully this means that you won't notice much of a difference between a little adderall and none.  We are here for you.  Thank you for your openness in your posts.  Hopefully you find it therapeutic to write down your feelings, sometimes a journal is a big help for people during recovery.  It's your process, do it your way whatever it takes.

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Ali, you are in a very tough place. How is your quit going? I don't want to discourage your sincere attempt at quitting but I am concerned that all the pieces of the quitting puzzle are not in place, yet. tell me if I am wrong....but you believe you have to quit adderall because you are afraid of loosing your loved ones beacuse of the selfish and foolish behavior that heavy adderall use promotes. If that is your sole motivator, it will be a tough ride for you. What about your own body and have you experienced any of the nasty side effects? Do you believe you have an addiction to adderall? You said you do not want to quit. When I quit I wanted it to succeed worse than anything else in my life. I wanted to quit for a year before I actually put the pills down, and the last few months, the only reason I kept using was because of the physical addiction and I had to wait for a slack time at work to quit, then focus on my recovery.

 

I would like to pose a question to anybody reading this: Did anybody succeed with quitting, when they really didn't want to quit in the first place?

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Ali, you are in a very tough place. How is your quit going? I don't want to discourage your sincere attempt at quitting but I am concerned that all the pieces of the quitting puzzle are not in place, yet. tell me if I am wrong....but you believe you have to quit adderall because you are afraid of loosing your loved ones beacuse of the selfish and foolish behavior that heavy adderall use promotes. If that is your sole motivator, it will be a tough ride for you. What about your own body and have you experienced any of the nasty side effects? Do you believe you have an addiction to adderall? You said you do not want to quit. When I quit I wanted it to succeed worse than anything else in my life. I wanted to quit for a year before I actually put the pills down, and the last few months, the only reason I kept using was because of the physical addiction and I had to wait for a slack time at work to quit, then focus on my recovery.

 

I would like to pose a question to anybody reading this: Did anybody succeed with quitting, when they really didn't want to quit in the first place?

Nope

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I would like to pose a question to anybody reading this: Did anybody succeed with quitting, when they really didn't want to quit in the first place?

 

Fuck no. It's hard enough when you DO want to quit. It took every ounce of strength I had.

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I would like to pose a question to anybody reading this: Did anybody succeed with quitting, when they really didn't want to quit in the first place?

 

I had to hit rock bottom. I was able to manipulate the first trip to the ER as "accidental" and just a bad break. I just couldn't seem to talk my way out of the second ER doctor's request/referral to the psych ward. Humiliation might've been my biggest motivator that along with the hospital bills.   :wacko:  

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Ali, you are in a very tough place. How is your quit going? I don't want to discourage your sincere attempt at quitting but I am concerned that all the pieces of the quitting puzzle are not in place, yet. tell me if I am wrong....but you believe you have to quit adderall because you are afraid of loosing your loved ones beacuse of the selfish and foolish behavior that heavy adderall use promotes. If that is your sole motivator, it will be a tough ride for you. What about your own body and have you experienced any of the nasty side effects? Do you believe you have an addiction to adderall? You said you do not want to quit. When I quit I wanted it to succeed worse than anything else in my life. I wanted to quit for a year before I actually put the pills down, and the last few months, the only reason I kept using was because of the physical addiction and I had to wait for a slack time at work to quit, then focus on my recovery.

I would like to pose a question to anybody reading this: Did anybody succeed with quitting, when they really didn't want to quit in the first place?

No way. I, like you, quit-once, thought about quitting for about a year before my quit. And when I finally did it, I was SO ready for the madness to end, but it was/is the hardest thing I've ever done.

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Ali, you are in a very tough place. How is your quit going? I don't want to discourage your sincere attempt at quitting but I am concerned that all the pieces of the quitting puzzle are not in place, yet. tell me if I am wrong....but you believe you have to quit adderall because you are afraid of loosing your loved ones beacuse of the selfish and foolish behavior that heavy adderall use promotes. If that is your sole motivator, it will be a tough ride for you. What about your own body and have you experienced any of the nasty side effects? Do you believe you have an addiction to adderall? You said you do not want to quit. When I quit I wanted it to succeed worse than anything else in my life. I wanted to quit for a year before I actually put the pills down, and the last few months, the only reason I kept using was because of the physical addiction and I had to wait for a slack time at work to quit, then focus on my recovery.

 

I would like to pose a question to anybody reading this: Did anybody succeed with quitting, when they really didn't want to quit in the first place?

No. I had to really want it. I had to take action to support it. I had to treat it like my life depended on it.

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I would like to pose a question to anybody reading this: Did anybody succeed with quitting, when they really didn't want to quit in the first place?

 

I really had no choice. Adderall was destroying me. What I wasn't prepared for was the long recovery process. 

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Well tomorow is my final dose I'm dreading it beyond belief. No more crutch a life of mundanity and a month or two of struggle. Getting through the days is going to be hard. Physically I'm ok now I can stay swam but emotionally I feel very weak. Say some prayers for me and wish me luck. I would like to say I feel strong but I don't.

How are things going for you Ali?

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