kori

I hate myself

17 posts in this topic

I'm in such a deep depression, mixed with severe anxiety and am.completely anti social. adderall and all other drugs destroyed my life. right now I've made things so awkward and said the dumbest embarrassing shit while on this that I don't want to face anyone. I delete my Facebook because I am convinced every person on there is talking about me. I go out of my way and avoid situations so I won't have to interact with people. its completely absurd. the.only time I feel normal is when I'm taking an anti anxiety such as alprazolam. I have confidence, security, etc etc. but np doctors around here prescribe it. and SSRIS simply do not work.

is there anyone around who can offer me some insight and /or encouragement ? Also IS there an alternative to benzos that legitimately works?? I feel like the ppeople on this site are literally the only people I can talk to. even my boyfriend gives me anxiety. I get so paranoid on this that I analyze EVERYTHING. adderall sucks all the good qualities out of a person, makes them BELIEVE they need it to accomplish things, and before you know it...its made you into a robot with effed up joints and motor skills....ok j could go on forever I'm gonna stop now

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kori HI are you still on addarall if you are you need to make the commitment to stop using most likely the reason you are saying and doing stupid shit that embarrass you comes from adderall. You are on a cocktail of deferent medications uppers downers antidepressant meds. I am not saying you should stop using your medications I am sour there is a reason your on them but the adderall most stop if you want to change your life around it takes time and effort to change your life around its not a overnight fix. Sounds like you have a lot of so called friends pick ones that make you comfortable associate with them only. Pick only a few friends that have compation and whom understand. Peapal get a rush out of drama and they feed off it like a good TV show after you get off the adderall you will see your life will become easer to live. I also am on ant depression meds and dealing fine on them depression probably will never leave me alone I jest need to deal with it I have good days but mostly bad days. The meds your on are only a tool your will to feel better comes within your self you most make changes in your mind and life .Sorry to say there is no alternative for bensos before I was a adderall addict I was a Xanax addict for 20 years it took me one full year to step down and stop it was very hard but I did it only with will power and a lot of suffering I hope things will get better for you soon it will take time if you need to vent jest post we all are there for you Your friend FALCON

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Hey Kori,

 

I agree with Falcon completely. It seems like a lot of your problems are extremely common side effects of people who get hooked on adderall. For example, when I first started taking adderall, adderall eliminated all my anxiety, made me confident, and made me feel good. Toward the end of my addiction, it created crazy anxiety in social situations, took away my self-confidence, and made me feel like shit. I think you should consider just quitting the adderall first, and then deciding whether you ultimately want to get off the other meds. Just know that after you recover from the difficult withdrawl experience lasting up to a year or more, life is WAY better on the other side. Quitting is absolutely the best thing for you and will solve a lot of your problems, trust me. I'm 10 months 28 days sober and life has gotten exponentially better for me since I quit. My anxiety is starting to become non-existent on some day now, where as I was extremely anxious every day on adderall before I quit. It seems like you know a lot of the negatives of adderall. It would probably help you stay through your quit if you wrote down 30+ reasons WHY you want to quit. You need something that will motivate you to stay quit once you start. You need to know that you are a much better person when off adderall completely. Anyways, good luck and keep coming back even if you do continue using. We're here to help!

 

Blesbro

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Kori,

 

You sound like you are really high on Adderall right now. Are you still on it?  Like the others said, you are going to notice a MAJOR improvement once you stop.  I promise you will be SO MUCH BETTER OFF.

 

YOU CAN DO THIS!

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I'm in such a deep depression, mixed with severe anxiety and am.completely anti social. adderall and all other drugs destroyed my life. right now I've made things so awkward and said the dumbest embarrassing shit while on this that I don't want to face anyone. I delete my Facebook because I am convinced every person on there is talking about me. I go out of my way and avoid situations so I won't have to interact with people. its completely absurd. the.only time I feel normal is when I'm taking an anti anxiety such as alprazolam. I have confidence, security, etc etc. but np doctors around here prescribe it. and SSRIS simply do not work.

is there anyone around who can offer me some insight and /or encouragement ? Also IS there an alternative to benzos that legitimately works?? I feel like the ppeople on this site are literally the only people I can talk to. even my boyfriend gives me anxiety. I get so paranoid on this that I analyze EVERYTHING. adderall sucks all the good qualities out of a person, makes them BELIEVE they need it to accomplish things, and before you know it...its made you into a robot with effed up joints and motor skills....ok j could go on forever I'm gonna stop now

Hey Kori, I just read your post & it made me sad.  I had the same thing (still do), the severe depression & anxiety, the embarrassment & feeling everyone is talking about me.  I also deleted my Facebook page.  My motor skills are half what they used to be.  I was clean for about 10 days & it was going surprisingly well, then on Monday I dove back in & now I feel like I'm starting over again.  I think you need to be in the right environment, around the right people, supportive people, have no major expectations of yourself, if you can use vacation and/or sick days for work and just relax, it helps. I lost it because I wasn't doing well at work and couldn't think.  I felt like I has to go back on, and it sucks.  Good luck!  I also live around the Philly area.

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This post makes me sad too - I felt EXCELLENT and saw some clarity after my first time really going all out trying to quit. I just don't feel proud of myself anymore and cant even remember my thougfhts on Adderall, or notice them off of them like I could in the beginning.

I just feel blank, no thoughts, like I cant even journal anymore no excitement in that, no excitement about quitting or making this big change like I used to have. just depression and anxiety. NEVER HAVE I EVER BEEEN SO BLANK MINDED. I can stare at walls. I cant tell if my thoughts are slower or just super faster where I cant connect them. I want just a little happiness like a high on liufe to remind me why im quitting. yet the only way I can feel alit le good about life now is when I do some vicodin. I don't even know whats going on in my head anymore or how I should be feeling where im at.

Does anyone think this could be from wellbutrin possibly?

Is it better to be completely off everything while quitting Adderall to feel real feelings vs. starting new drugs such as antidepressants or benzos (even though I know when quitting sometimes benzos are highly needed here and there.

OPINIONS?

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Kori I totally feel your pain. My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. Things will get better. But, it will totally be your decision to make that happen, or ever to get that ball rolling so that it has a chance of happening. Be well my friend! We are all in this together! Peace be unto you. 

 

Fw

 

 

@ Ally Spooky, the feelings/ issues you speak of,  I know all too well. Although, I am recently quit, I still very  much struggle with these symptoms. I hope for you and I this is not a lasting thing as much as it is a re balancing act. Be Well!

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Kori I totally feel your pain. My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. Things will get better. But, it will totally be your decision to make that happen, or ever to get that ball rolling so that it has a chance of happening. Be well my friend! We are all in this together! Peace be unto you. 

 

Fw

 

 

@ Ally Spooky, the feelings/ issues you speak of,  I know all too well. Although, I am recently quit, I still very  much struggle with these symptoms. I hope for you and I this is not a lasting thing as much as it is a re balancing act. Be Well!

 

 

Kori I totally feel your pain. My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. Things will get better. But, it will totally be your decision to make that happen, or ever to get that ball rolling so that it has a chance of happening. Be well my friend! We are all in this together! Peace be unto you. 

 

Fw

 

 

@ Ally Spooky, the feelings/ issues you speak of,  I know all too well. Although, I am recently quit, I still very  much struggle with these symptoms. I hope for you and I this is not a lasting thing as much as it is a re balancing act. Be Well!

 

FW, how far are you now? And if u don't mind me asking, which problems do u know all to well? the mind issues, like processing things and confusion, boredom, etc.? the possibility of other drugs interacting with clarity/taking other drugs? needing othr drugs? or did u have experience with taking antidepressants, good or bad?

ANY info would be appreciated.

Talking to everyone on here is great, but no one is the same, or recovers the same.

So I try to put pieces of other peoples experience to answer one of my issues, kind of like a puzzle LOL.

I just wanna know any experiences close to mine. and opinions.

THANKS FOR UR INPUT :)

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I feel totally blank and its affecting everything.I am honest and told my bf why I'm so different because he pretty much are breaking up because of it. he doesn't get the severity I tell him its te meds and he keeps saying its.me

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This is so hard ...I'm going to the er my left arm is completely numb. I want to stop cold turkey

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Thank God for this website and all of your love and support . I wouldn't have made the choice to quit so soon if it weren't for all of you. just came back from the er ..heart is okay although my left arm and side are still burning and numb

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Haven't and will not take any adderall today and hopefully ever again. my life depends on abstinence

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Kori how are u doing???

 

I went to ER at my ending Adderall stage too. the chest heart and left arm were always numb and cramping. That's what scared m and made me quit. I didn't want to die at age 22 and leave my daughter without a mother. That scare is important, its ur body telling u too stop. I had those panics way too much, I took them for granite. ur body is saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. u may do it again, and I guarantee u will panic and have those issues again. Hopefully it scares u enough to stay away from th pills. just think of that feeling beforeever taking them.

 

U sound very distraught. It is very obvious u r at the beginning of ur quitting, and u need to talk it out. U need to come to this site and let out everything, cuz holding it in causes anxiety and rapid thoughts and wanting the pill even more because its all that's on ur mind. trust me 50 days today and I still feel that way but it has calmed downalot . I remember ur stage perfectly, I cannot bleive I am someone on here talking to someone that was in my place not long ago, its weird I still feel I need advice and help so much, I still check this site, but I remember the first couple days checking it every 20 minutes just needing someone to talk to. hang in there. im here if u need to talk.

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Hey ally...thanks for the response u sound like my twin! U already feel a sense of relief. like u said I'm on this site constantly checking and re reading and its refreshing.

that left arm /side numbness is some scary sht huh....I was convinced I was gonna have a heart problem. sorry u had to experience that too

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hey kori! yea that arm shit is crazy scary.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

unfortunately for me, after the furthest I have ever gotten, 63 days, I relapsed less than 10 pills in 1-2 weeks. I'm so mad but I felt that I needed it. My boyfriend, daughter and I and our 5 pets are going through forclosure and trying to find a place before December 1st. so it was a hardtime, but I guess that's what we all go through when we take it its during the hard times. it just really sucks starting all over for like the billionth time :(

hows everyone else too? any advice? how can I stop hating myself?

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