Kev9765

10 days gone to waste

9 posts in this topic

I was doing great... Addy free for 10 days.  Then I relapsed.  I couldn't perform my job at work, I was so frustrated, so I grabbed my Addy.  This happened on Monday.  20 mg Monday, 40 mg Tuesday, last 3 days between 50-60 mg.  I'm frustrated.  My agency was generous to let me come back after being out for about 6 weeks, due to being psychiatrically hospitalized... mainly due to Adderall.  I'm in lower position, but I have a job.  I've been there for 8 years.  I'm seriously contemplated resigning because I don't feel I will be able to ever get off Adderall if I'm working there.  I guess a question to ask is... has anyone ever had to make the choice to leave your job (in this terrible economy) so you could really get off of Adderall?

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When I quit for good I accepted that I might get fired from my job due to laziness and poor performance. I didn't particularly like the job even while on Adderall anymore, so I figured it would all work out. I also happened to be in a director position (I ran an academic library), so I was the boss/delegator of tasks and didn't really have any oversight, so my boss in no way even noticed the decline. I typically only saw my boss once a week, in passing.

 

This was a blessing and a curse: a blessing because my boss didn't know I was slacking off all day or even what I really did on a daily basis normally, so no pressure there. A curse because my job was totally self-directed with no deadlines or deliverables - horrible for coming off Adderall. If I had a job with structure and deadlines I probably would have been so much more productive. Instead I just sat on my ass for months and months surfing the Internet and feeling anxious and guilty about not doing anything.

 

The moral of this story? It's a double edged sword. If you have to perform at a job it's going to suck because you'll be overstimulated too soon. If you have to go to work but, like me, you can slack off, it's also going to suck because you'll feel tremendous anxiety and confusion about slacking off and you'll end up understimulated. If you're unemployed and have no daily routine/structure at all it's going to suck in an entirely new way, because you'll have to be self motivated, alone all day, anxious about money and with no distractions from your thoughts. Do you get what I'm saying here? The grass will always be greener. You're going to have to go through a very horrible, uncomfortable period regardless, so you might as well stay at your job. A lot of the poor performance is magnified by your dopamine depleted perception - and if your performance really is going down the dumper it will be a while before people actually notice, so it's not like you would get fired immediately. You could use that time to save up money in case you do need to job hunt. But chances are you won't even get fired. I thought I was going to get fired and I actually ended up getting a positive performance review and a raise 7 months later - and another surge of guilt, of course.

 

If you want to quit it's gotta be your number one priority. And you have to sever your supply so you don't have a choice in the matter. If you have to go to work, working without Adderall has to be the only option or you will keep using your job as an excuse to use.

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I left my job. Over six months have passed now, and I can honestly say it was the best decision of my life. I'm slowly re-entering the workforce over the next couple weeks.

 

Addiction is progressive, chronic, and fatal: it won't get better on its own. In fact, it will get worse.

 

That's a fact I had to accept. Before I did, I was living in denial of my problem. 

 

Nothing about this has been easy, but then again, nothing worth doing ever is. Good luck.

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Thanks for everyone's advice.  I didn't mention that I have a job, working with a lot of people.  I'm out in the public and over a hundred people see me everyday.  I can't hide from people at work.  I really don't think I can quit Adderall at this job.  During the 10 days I was Adderall free, I overheard people talking about me, asking what was wrong with me.  Someone said I looked lost.  I've already burned by bridge with the agency already when I was out on leave for 6 weeks.  It wasn't even so much that I was out on leave, it was how unprofessional I was before I left and during the leave.  They let me come back, but many co-workers don't talk to me and want nothing to do with me b/c of how I screwed them over.... b/c of Addy.  Btw - I was fantastic at this job.  I was promoted twice in less than six months and was on my way to being one of the top administrators.  That's why they let me come back.  But because of Addy, I couldn't perform at work, had deep depressions, didn't communicate, acted very unprofessional, and now, I really don't think many people at the agency want me there, even in a lower position. (and I don't blame them).  They think it's dangerous for me to be there. 

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KEV hang I there brother you are not a failure it sometimes takes several attempts to quit using adderall . As far as your job do not quit you will be ineligible for unemployment benefits let them fire you if your not preforming your job well. Next time you atempt to quit flush your junk. Tell your DR. not to prescribe you adderall

Good luck try try again ///////////////

FALCON

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Kev,

 

Can you look for another job until you quit at least?  Even if it's a temp gig or just something easier and not as stressful.  I wouldn't quit a job unless I had another one in the works.  Unless you are a millionaire or something. :)

 

I took a step back in my job as being a supervisor.  I wasn't capable of handling the stress, pressure, and anxiety from being in charge of other people on top of trying to perform my own job.  It made things a lot easier.  I ended up leaving the company though because I felt like everyone there knew too much about me and my image was tarnished. I wanted a clean fresh start where people didn't know me and the workload would be easier.

 

It worked and I am happy to report that I am now confident in my working ability Adderall free.  It wasn't easy though. Starting a new job is hard and stressful no matter what.  I don't really like my current job, but I am at least not constantly reminded of the person I used to be. Sometimes my old co-workers will text me and they say things as if they are speaking to the same person who used to work there and it really upsets me.  I've changed so much since then.  It just makes me feel glad I am not there riding out in that shadow of my former self anymore.

 

Anyhow, you'll figure it out!  Just search deep within yourself and do what feels right.  All we can do is share our experience and hope some of it might be helpful for you too.

 

Last thing, success comes to those who simply don't give up.  Every time you fall, use it as a learning experience to move 2 more steps ahead.  It sounds like that's what you are doing here back on the forum.  You stated you can't do this job without Adderall.  Maybe this "learning experience" has taught you to search an alternative for your quit.  If that's what it takes...quitting your job to quit Adderall...then do it or keep searching for an alternative to make your quit successful.  Just my humble opinion.

 

YOU GOT THIS!

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Woody Allen quote: Eighty percent of success is showing up.

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