Searchingsoul9 Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 For starters, if anyone remembers me, i am sorry for getting myself sucked back into addie land and giving up on my recovery so suddenly. I guess it has been like 5 or 6 months? No way. Wow. I don't even remember why i relapsed. Just had the ability to get the pills and did it. It was all lovely at first. But my tolerance was back way up within a month. One reason i relapsed was fear of gaining weight. Well, that sure did happen. But even after being back on the meds once again, i could not lose more than 5-7 lbs...which i gained back every month i ran out and had to wait for a refill. I haven't experienced as much mind numbing depression this time around. Nope. This time around the pills decided to focus on my immune system. Also, i got a wart on my foot. One day it spread to my hands. Just a couple here and there. I realized eventually that whenever i took the adderall i would have wart outbreaks. Now an outbreak is not just 2-3, it's like 10 plus! little bastards on my fingers and now even in around my nose. They look like pimples, but i know what they are and they spread like WILDFIRE. I haven't read a book for leisure in nearly TWO years. I can feel myself getting dumber every day. I am back to being all weird and anti social. I always am at a loss for words. I think my teeth are going to just fall out of my mouth. I don't even know if i really feel them wiggle or if i am imagining that. Back to drinking alcohol like it's going extinct. SO many reasons i need to stop. What the fuck am i waiting for? Now i just seem to take it because it is my routine. It barely does jack. I wish i could remember how i was feeling a few weeks into recovery the last go around Hope everyone is doing great 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freedom's Wings Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 21 days and counting Welcome back my friend! I dont remember you but id just like to remind you that we are here for you and its not about how many times you fall, its how many times you get up! If you're up to it, check out the 30 day challenge, it may be helpful... just a thought. Signed, here when you're ready. Til then Be Well! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 Welcome back my friend! I dont remember you but id just like to remind you that we are here for you and its not about how many times you fall, its how many times you get up! If you're up to it, check out the 30 day challenge, it may be helpful... just a thought. Signed, here when you're ready. Til then Be Well! Thank you I have fallen more times than i've gotten back up. I just seem to fall further and get more discouraged. But, i am ready to give it my all this time. 30 day challenge accepted Sounds like a great idea. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 Searchingsoul, It is heartbreaking to read your story of relapse after achieving so much, but you have the ability to make a STRONG comeback! The strength relapse buys us is the experience of how quickly we are right back to our regular intake, and often more, of this nasty chemical. Your physical condition is sending up red flares for you to stop. Scratch out some time for yourself for the initial sleepfest and plan your quit. You have an entire quitting arsenal at the ready to assist in any way we can, but the inside work must be done by you. You have to want it more than anything else on the planet. Let us know how you want to proceed. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krax Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 sorry to hear about your relapse. I can tell you from my recent experience though, that the warts may be unrelated. About 9 months ago I had one on my hand. Then my face. Then I shaved and they spread. Dermatologist told me it was common for them to spread, especially when shaving. He injected this yeast concoction into my skin, to trick my immune system into thinking there was an infection (that's why warts don't go away, the body does not recognize them as infections), anyways apparently I'm one of the 15% of the population this treatment works for, and they went away. There are some independent pharmacists who make a special cream to use too. My attempts at over the counter treatments were unsuccessful. I'd go to the doctor right away about those. Hang in there. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cat Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 Good to see you back. I was wondering how you were doing. I'm sorry to hear about your relapse, but hopeful that your post means you're ready to quit again. I have to thank you for this timely post. Nearly ten months after quitting, the temptation to relapse is still there - but reading your post reminded me of all the reasons NOT to. Loss for words - check. Teeth feeling like they were going to fall out - check. Antisocial - check. No reading for pleasure - check. Oh the joy of reading for pleasure again! We believe in you. You can do this! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 Searchingsoul, It is heartbreaking to read your story of relapse after achieving so much, but you have the ability to make a STRONG comeback! The strength relapse buys us is the experience of how quickly we are right back to our regular intake, and often more, of this nasty chemical. Your physical condition is sending up red flares for you to stop. Scratch out some time for yourself for the initial sleepfest and plan your quit. You have an entire quitting arsenal at the ready to assist in any way we can, but the inside work must be done by you. You have to want it more than anything else on the planet. Let us know how you want to proceed. I haven't really thought much about a legit plan. I just KNOW that it needs to stop, now. So i tossed the last like 3 pills i had left and tomorrow will once again be 'day 1' I am SO not looking forward to the sleepfest. I experience it every month when i run out of pills early. It involves me eating a lot of crap, barely making it through work, and sleeping as much as possible. Which still never seems to be enough. I have faith that after a week of detox though that i will get over the fatigue. I appreciate the support so much. I had debated quitting every now and again these past few months, but i was too ashamed to come back on here. Today i knew if i came back that you all would hold me accountable for my actions. And i need that. So thank you 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 sorry to hear about your relapse. I can tell you from my recent experience though, that the warts may be unrelated. About 9 months ago I had one on my hand. Then my face. Then I shaved and they spread. Dermatologist told me it was common for them to spread, especially when shaving. He injected this yeast concoction into my skin, to trick my immune system into thinking there was an infection (that's why warts don't go away, the body does not recognize them as infections), anyways apparently I'm one of the 15% of the population this treatment works for, and they went away. There are some independent pharmacists who make a special cream to use too. My attempts at over the counter treatments were unsuccessful. I'd go to the doctor right away about those. Hang in there. Thank you! I didn't think anyone would have any experience with warts. I have been trying for months to get approved for the dermatologist. Making appointment tomorrow. I am sure that the warts are unrelated, because i had the plantar on the bottom of my foot since i was 12. But i believe the adderall/weed/alcohol binges definitely weakened my immune system...allowing them to spread like mad. Thanks for the tips! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 Good to see you back. I was wondering how you were doing. I'm sorry to hear about your relapse, but hopeful that your post means you're ready to quit again. I have to thank you for this timely post. Nearly ten months after quitting, the temptation to relapse is still there - but reading your post reminded me of all the reasons NOT to. Loss for words - check. Teeth feeling like they were going to fall out - check. Antisocial - check. No reading for pleasure - check. Oh the joy of reading for pleasure again! We believe in you. You can do this! Glad to see a familiar face I wouldn't have posted if i was not ready to give this thing another go I truly have no choice but to stop. I am getting too old for this shit xo 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FALCON Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 Welcome back don’t beet your self up to mouch you got clean once you can do it again. TRY TRY again we are not judging we will support you like before.You are human not supper woman and aderall is the devil and has supper powers over us be strong. FALCON 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 Welcome back don’t beet your self up to mouch you got clean once you can do it again. TRY TRY again we are not judging we will support you like before.You are human not supper woman and aderall is the devil and has supper powers over us be strong. FALCON 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 Thank you I know it won't be easy, but it's time to let it go. How are u? Welcome back don’t beet your self up to mouch you got clean once you can do it again. TRY TRY again we are not judging we will support you like before.You are human not supper woman and aderall is the devil and has supper powers over us be strong. FALCON Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 I haven't really thought much about a legit plan. I just KNOW that it needs to stop, now. So i tossed the last like 3 pills i had left and tomorrow will once again be 'day 1' I am SO not looking forward to the sleepfest. I experience it every month when i run out of pills early. It involves me eating a lot of crap, barely making it through work, and sleeping as much as possible. Which still never seems to be enough. I have faith that after a week of detox though that i will get over the fatigue. I appreciate the support so much. I had debated quitting every now and again these past few months, but i was too ashamed to come back on here. Today i knew if i came back that you all would hold me accountable for my actions. And i need that. So thank you I stopped rather spontaneously too. I used daily for 12 years. I never missed a day. I found this website and took Mike up on a suggestion—take a vacation day. I did, and to my surprise, I survived. The following Saturday I started my quit. It has been 4 months. I'm still in the fatigue stage, but it is improving slowly. It's funny how the windows for quitting present themselves. I like to call them choice points, which is a term used in meditation practice. When they come, we are wise to jump on the opportunity. I am glad you overcame your shame, something we all share, and decided to start your life over again. I think the accountability is what holds us all together. I love the welcome back Kotter song. It's so warm and fuzzy. Welcome back. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted October 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2013 I stopped rather spontaneously too. I used daily for 12 years. I never missed a day. I found this website and took Mike up on a suggestion—take a vacation day. I did, and to my surprise, I survived. The following Saturday I started my quit. It has been 4 months. I'm still in the fatigue stage, but it is improving slowly. It's funny how the windows for quitting present themselves. I like to call them choice points, which is a term used in meditation practice. When they come, we are wise to jump on the opportunity. I am glad you overcame your shame, something we all share, and decided to start your life over again. I think the accountability is what holds us all together. I love the welcome back Kotter song. It's so warm and fuzzy. Welcome back. I like that. I need to take up meditation again. Well, i can't really say i was practicing before...seeing as i only tried it out for a week. It is great, but very difficult. Anyway, I seriously look forward to getting rid of this horrible addiction. It's such hell. As you know Glad to be back 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted October 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2013 L O V E Thanks for just making my night. *Dancing* 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted October 24, 2013 Report Share Posted October 24, 2013 well welcome back! I know I tried quitting a few times before this time almost 5 month. It's not easy but it so worth it. Read all the resources you can on this site attend a NA or SMART meeting. You are starting a brand new amazing life. Mediate on the person you want to be once you've completed this process. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunax Posted October 24, 2013 Report Share Posted October 24, 2013 You have a lot of support on here! As everyone says “STAY CLOSEâ€â€¦..you can beat this monster! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted October 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2013 You have a lot of support on here! As everyone says “STAY CLOSEâ€â€¦..you can beat this monster! Thank you! You guys all helped me so much last time i quit. I just need to be stronger this time and post daily 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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