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Why is it so hard to stay sober?


freedom

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I am tired of the cravings for this drug and just want to run far away. I am finding it very hard to stay sober since I can get the drug so easily. Another New Year is coming and I am so disappointed in myself. I know I can't ask friends to quit the drug just so I am not tempted, but it would be a lot easier if it wasn't so available. It has changed my best friend into a person I don't even recognize, I miss her old friendly, happy, calm self. When I look at her I see the anxious person I have also become, and I long for her to get sober so I can too. I don't want her health to suffer more damage and wish she could see how it is slowly killing her (and me.)

My latest drug free period lasted 12 days and I was just beginning to feel like my old self and I liked it, WHY do I keep going back? Does anyone here have any suggestions as to how I can stop wanting this horrible drug? I want to go to rehab but don't want my coworkers to find out. I wish I could do it on my own. This site helps me get back on track but I think I need drastic measures to quit once and for all.

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My opinion is that rehab is less than worthless. Doctors told me that I would get better soon after quiting (weeks). I quit for 18 months and felt pretty bad the whole time. I've seen articles that says amphetamine permanently changes your brain. Not sure if that's true. It must be one of the harder addictions to put down.

You're also right about it being hard on your body. If you start to get brown patches on your shins that itch... that is from Adderall (it's actually from high blood pressure in your legs). It can also lead to primary hypertension... which means you have high blood pressure without taking any Adderall. It's also terrible on your teeth. Adderall drys out your mouth. The saliva in your mouth contains calcium needed to maintain, replenish and thicken dental enamel.

Now, I've got to quit. I don't actually take Adderall. I've been taking Dextrostat (dexadrine), which is mostly what Adderall is made of. Shire Pharmaceutical quit making Dextrostat to push their much more expensive drug, Vyvance. So, I guess I'm done.

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Hey Freedom,

So sorry to hear about your latest relapse. You noted a couple of things I can relate to regarding friends with adderall. I too have a best friend with whom I really enjoyed "playing football" (you know, the 30 mg oval generic adderall pills). We have discussed quitting many, many times both before and after I quit last June. I am really concerned for his health because he takes way too much adderall and has complications from it. But he is still my best friend and we have an understanding that he is never to offer me adderall, even if I initiate the converstation. I offer him gentle encouragement to quit but try to stay off my addie high horse. Tell your friend that you feel the most important thing YOU can do is to quit adderall and you really need her support to stay quit. Tell her that it could be a relationship-ender if she EVER offered you another pill, even if you asked for it. If you can't tell her those two things then you are not ready to quit.

Have you ever grieved for your addiction? To grieve is to acknowledge the loss of something dear to you and to do that you must acknowledge that you will always love the way adderall made you feel. I have grieved a lot for the permanant loss of my adderall relationship, especially lately because this is the time of the year I really loved to take it. I could get most of my house and garage completely cleaned out with a double blast of adderall during the holidays, including polishing the furniture and appliances and cleaning the windows. Now all I have is coffee and energy drinks for motivation and they ain't the same as adderall. I try not to dwell on that kind of thought for long, and usually end it by reminding myself that adderall quit working for me like that several years ago so it is better that I ...quit once...and stayed quit.

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HI Freedom,

I don't know if this helps, but when I attended NA meetings, we learned to just pick up from any relapses and try again, without being too hard on ourselves. Like a baby learning to walk, if you keep trying, you'll eventually get there. I also agree with what quit once mentioned in another post, that for people who've already hit adderall dependence, it only takes one pill to reignite the whole thing all over again.

It also sounds like you could benefit by working on revving up your motivation to quit and stay that way. To overcome the cravings of withdrawal, I find I need to keep my motivation to quit very high at all times. A high motivation to quit keeps me on guard from the moments when withdrawal or cravings try to weaken my willpower.

What I found to work great for me is to keep a list of negatives from adderall use...

My list goes something like this:

I no longer get heavily involved in tasks that later seem stupid...

I no longer have terrible crashes

I no longer spend hours on the internet like I'm stuck

I no longer feel panicky, jittery anxious or tense, especially in my neck and jaw...

I no longer have moments where I have difficulty unwinding from being over stimulated...

My day is no longer disrupted with cravings..

I no longer obsess with running out of pills...

I no longer get paranoid...

I spend less..

My list goes on and on...and it all adds up to a lot of annoying or seriously debilitating things... and I keep looking at this list, at least once a day, and the list helps reinforce the message of 'why was I taking adderall in the first place???'I always come up with a few things to add to the list every day. It's so long now, I can't even read it all at once. In fact, I just thought of another one - "I'm no longer chemically altering my brain every day"...

There was a forum post on people's lists of benefits of quitting adderall...which I cannot seem to find or I would link to it...but I know it's there somewhere. I would sit down and write out your own list and keep it with you all the time.

I think of adderall dependence as something that weakens our decision making process and tricks our rational brain into thinking we need it all the time. So I think constantly reminding ourselves why we need to stay off of it helps us to think more rationally. Hope that helps!

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Hey InRecovery:

I think some of those lists similar to yours are posted in the articles section of this website.

I have never been to a NA meeting or read their speel but I think their casual approach to relapsing is fucked up. "...try again, without being too hard on ourselves". Now I'm not a big purveyor of guilt, crime, sin or punishment, but I do believe there should be significant consequenses that get worse each time you don't make the quitting effort permanent. I would like to debate this one further with you if you are up for it. I totally agree with your advice for Freedom needing to rev up her motivation to quit.

Which brings me to a question for Freedom: What was your personal consequence associated with your latest relapse and failure to stay sober? Something shameful? Something painful? Something costly? Something illegal? These kinds of penalties, if you have the inner will to self-enforce them, may prevent or delay your next relapse. If you just can't self-enforce your own penalties this may not work for you. In my case, my personal penalty for a relapse would have been (and remains to be) institutional substance abuse treatment if my own best efforts failed to work.

Freedom, you are fucking up each time you fail to stay off the adderall. NA may take a kinder and gentler view of it, but in my opinion you have failed to stay quit four times now so it's time to change your strategy.

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Hi Quit Once,

I was going back and forth on that specific point, actually so I don't really want to debate it...

But, I just want to add that one big severe penalty though for relapsing is that the addiction gets more and more severe each time...

By the way, I found the link to the list of Benefits of Quitting Adderall article. Thanks for the heads up!

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InRecovery,

Good point about that severe penalty for relapsing. You just gave me an idea for a new article or post:

Universal Truths About Addiction. This could be a list of indisputable and universal facts about addiction and recovery. So far these two items: 1) Once you have become addicted to anything, a return to casual or recreational use will always lead back to the addiction. 2) The addiction becomes more severe and harder to quit with each subsequent relapse. Would anybody like to add to this list or debate #1 or #2 above?

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