Absolutely terrified of quitting

[Stephalopolus]

I am absolutely terrified of quitting. I need about 80mg of Vyvanse just to get of off empty and get myself dressed and even thinking about attempting ANYTHING.

 

I was on adderall from 14 until 20years old. Stopped for two years,where by I developed the most uncontrollable binge eating disorder that I actually struggled with before the first adderall since I was probably  years old- another addiction that consumed my existence and denied me any hope for happy functionality. This time, accompanied by bulimia and terrible ADD symptoms.  I then resolved to get on Vyvanse around age 22, thinking it would be less addictive. Im 27 now and right where I was with the adderall. Bad idea. I can't believe I fell into that trap again. The Vyvanse is even WORSE. Atleast with adderall I could take breaks. I have to take this stuff everyday.

 

I already do THE BARE MINIMUM IN LIFE. And I feel like life demands SO MUCH OF ME, and I am not up for the challenge.I just moved back in with my mother, I have been living independently for the past 9 years. I just cant function and work enough to pay my bills. I realize that productivity is an illusion.

 

I go to school part time at a community college, where they basically ask Nothing of you. I still cant finish assignments or show up to class, or keep my living space in any dignified order. Like rotting food and trash on the floor chaos. 80mg of VyVanse and the compromise of my personailty for THIS?!

 

The only thing I have to say is that I am able to be in school, and read with less trouble, and I have tried everything to give me some repose from binge eating, and this is the longest ive gone without binge eating. Pretty much since i've gotten on the stuff. 

 

I am almost done with classes and assignments for this semester, I am planning to detox off this shit. I did for 4 days this summer. I drove 3 hours up to maine with my bf and purposely didnt pack my vyvanse, because my resolve lasts about 2 hours when I have access to the stuff to not take it. 

 

I slept the whole time, over ate, but on the 4th morning I woke up at 8am like a normal person and that is something that is totally foreign to me. Of course, that was the day I was heading home and I took it the next day.

 

I just dont really believe that I can do it. 13 years, this stuff has been in my life. I feel like its hopeless. I'm already so sluggish and depressed, I don't know if I can bare to add this coming off to it. 

 

I do have a juicer, and looked into Gerson therapy a while ago to get off meds. I havent been able to find much about what to juice coming off amfetamenes. 

 

I just really need alot of support, because I feel so alone. I belong to a 12 step fellowship where most of my contacts have had a past with alcohol or heroin. I know its the same, but its different too. I need people to understand the motivation predicament.

 

Thanks. 

 

-Stephanie

[JustinW]

II just really need alot of support, because I feel so alone. I belong to a 12 step fellowship where most of my contacts have had a past with alcohol or heroin. I know its the same, but its different too. I need people to understand the motivation predicament.

Well, you came to the right place for some more support.  Might I suggest the 30 day challenge?  We all understand the challenges and struggles that you are going through and we will offer encouragement every step of the way.  There are some great articles on this site that can help you plan your quit and stay quit too.  Please hang around here and post as much as you need to stay sane.  You can do this!

[Zerokewl]

fear of failure is irrational. Because by being afraid to try you've failed.  Adderall addiction is a mind fuck. The first few days of withdrawl are pretty sleepy.   One of the suggestions in the literature on this site (which I strongly recommend you read), is to take a pill holiday for just one day and see how that goes.  Anyways welcome aboard. 

[Jon]

Hi Stephanie,

 

I can relate to your story in many ways although I don't have an eating disorder. I know amphetemine use sometimes goes along with eating disorders, but think you should have seperate treatment for the bulimia. I'm no expert on the subject.

 

I like juicing and if you are looking for what to juice, here is a rule of thumb: Eat (Juice) a rainbow of fruit and vegetables every day. I found juicing to be a lot of work and have had to take a break from it for a while. A guy by the name of Joe Cross has a nice website to check out and a video called "Fat, Sick and nearly Dead" that is excellent in content and great for motivation.

 

You quit Adderall for 2 years, so you know you proved you can do the quitting. It also means that you are quitting a 5 year Vyvanse addiction and not a 13 year amphetamine addiction. The switch in perspective will make your recovery more optimistic.

 

With your current level of satisfaction in life (80mgs just to get out of bed) quitting cold turkey probably wouldn't make you feel much worse, although you won't be getting out of bed much or off the couch in the beginning and you have to get rid of your pills that are near you. You admit to having little willpower over them when thay are around.

 

Above all, don't give up hope. Read all of the excellent articles written by Mike and read the threads in the Forums. You see a slot of time where school is finished and you will have less responsibilities, so you can plan your quit and we are here to help you. Take action!

[Cat]

Stephanie, I know exactly what you mean about needing 80 mg of Vyvanse just to get out of bed and function normally. That was my life too before I quit. The concept of "functioning normally" also in no way meant being productive or happy - it meant doing the bare minimum to get through the day and then drinking a ton at night. I was on adderall/vyvanse for about 5 years and couldn't believe what my life had become. I have been clean of amphetamines for almost one year now and just want to say: QUITTING IS SO WORTH IT.

 

You know from having quit once before that even though you feel tired and sluggish now, it will get worse once you quit, but after a couple months you'll emerge with real energy, feelings, and personality. 

 

You can totally do it. Use this board for motivation and support. I second Justin's suggestion to join the 30 day challenge so you can relate to people in your stage of quitting. Eating healthy, juicing and exercising will also help a lot. Get after it!

[lunax]

Hi Stephanie,

I seriously could have been fooled into thinking I wrote this post. I have also struggled with food addiction and of course an amphetamine addiction, so trust me I feel your pain. I quit three months and despite the fact that my to do list gets longer and longer and my living space getting messier and messier, i am committed to staying off this drug because I know that doing so will save my life. This site and the people on it has been an incredible tool in my quit. Please consider joining the 30 day challenge! We are all here to support you