Kathleen

20 Months Later

15 posts in this topic

Hey...I haven't been here in QUITE some time. My story is posted- I think it's still up- it was posted in April 2012. I was a train wreck. Since then, the journey has not been an easy one...but holy hell...I am a person again. I haven't taken Adderall since November 2012. I NEVER in a million years thought I would actually quit or ever stop. It was fun to think about...and then I actually decided no more.

 

Let me tell you, it hasn't been easy...I went through depression, weight gain, "friends",loneliness....but you know what came out of this "struggle"? ME. I can eat again, I have quality people around me, I'm in the gym, I don't look like a corpse, I'm not sweating for a 20mg and sleep is something I smile about.

 

Adderall is a fucking nightmare and every time I hear about someone taking it or on it- it makes me nervous--HIGHLY nervous.

 

I'm obviously not rail thin(size 6 or 8 now), I'm not able to do 24 hours work loads and not everything is "fun" like it was on speed(these things aren't normal..)---BUT...I am human again..I sleep, I eat, and my future seems bright.

 

I wish I would have utilized this site more during my "struggle"...but I suppose everyone handles things differently. I am here to tell you that Adderall is the devil, but it is something that you CAN get out of your life.

 

I'd also like to thank everyone on this website who read my crazy posts and messages and cared.

 

:)

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Thank- you so much for posting. It is so good to hear a success story.  There have been a lot of day one posts lately, likely because school is done for xmas.  Congratulations!  

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Thank you for touching base Kathleen. It is good to know you have success on your side. It give us the power to persevere.

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If I can do it....anyone can....I assure you.

 

Me 2 years ago: Psycho girlfriend, quality of life: low, Googling until 5 am even on work nights the most pointless things, days without food, dry mouth, endless cigarettes, seating over my next refill--- just a mess.

 

My heart goes out to everyone who is experiencing the Adderall battle. You can do it....

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Wow your 2 years ago described me 7 months ago. Except I was a psycho boyfriend.  Tho I still struggle with motivation and have the occasional PAWS day. I'm feel way better and I'm a much more chilled out dude than when I was on Adderall. 

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Anxiety is still sometimes an issue with me. I am currently taking Wellbutrin and kolonpin(only for panic attacks)..and I have seen great results. Zerokewl, stick with it...I call the months you're going through..the "struggle".....but after awhile....Adderall use becomes a nightmare from the past...and motivation...it comes naturally. It was hard, I am not going to lie...but I also had situations all around me that were stressful. After addy, I went through a terrible breakup, I was living in my grandmothers basement, I couldn't focus at work..and I was deeply depressed.

 

You can do this. I know you can:)

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Thanks I plan on sticking with it. I too had a breakup early on and know depression all to well. The last few months I've been able to crawl out it.  Adderall destroyed everything in my life,so I am building a new life now. Though I struggle I am grateful for this opportunity to start again.    Stories like yours give me a immense amount of hope.  

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Thank you for checking in and giving the gift of hope! Congratulations on your recovery.

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Zerokewl, you've already started a new life by putting down the Adderall. That was BITCH for me...I was obsessed with my weight, that "euphoric" buzz, and how I felt so grandiose while on the drug. Once I let it go...and my body started feeling replenished with food, thought, sleep and yoga....I started feeling things again. The depression was painful, but I think the Adderall had been a blanket on it the whole time...basically I was covering up issues with drug use. I went to my doctor and cried and said that I just wanted to feel like there was light again and I was at the end of my rope. That's when I decided to start taking Wellbutrin..which also helped me with quitting cigs. I haven't smoked them since I quit adderall--I associate them with Adderall.

 

My Dad is a Pharmacist in the military. From day 1 of my Adderall journey--he was terrified...didn't want to see his daughter become a victim of amphetamine abuse. There's really just no winning with Adderall. You get to a point where you have to start taking a higher dose, sometimes you can feel it, sometimes you can't...and you start to become some person that is oddly motivated to do random things from a drug. I am rooting for all of you. I still struggle sometimes with the idea of how skinny I was and how I liked that--but it wasn't normal--it isn't normal.

 

JustinW, Thank you for your nice comment. There is hope for everyone in these forums. It just takes the desire to want a positive change. My heart is with you all. :)

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Oh my goshhhhh....my girl is here! I haven't even read your posts yet, but I saw your name and got super excited!!!

Edit: just read your posts and am just so happy to read you're continuing to get better and do well. And girllllll, you look fabulous!

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Great to hear from you and hear you are well and clean and have turned a new page in your life. I am thrilled for you and totally remember the struggle you faced in the beginning, it's good to know you've come into the clear.

Congratulations Kathleen!

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Hi, Kathleen-

I remember that you and Ashley quit around the same time and I often wondered how you were doing.  I am so glad to hear from you again and that you are doing well.  You just said a couple of things that I completely agree with.  Adderall does mask depression and that is what I used it for too.  What I didn't realize, while using, was that it actually made my depression much worse by going up and down with my dosages.  Congrats for kicking the cigs.  I, too, kicked the cigs about the same as quitting Adderall and I believe that was actually the easiest time to make those big, life-long lifestyle changes.  I too associate Adderall with cigs and having them coupled in my mind creates the slippery slope starting with either drug which could lead to a full blown relapse if I fucked up and did either one of them.  Cigs can cloud your mind with poor judgment.  Nicotine drives my speed train.  I put that train in a museum about 2.5 years ago.

 

Thanks for the update and good luck continuing with your recovery!

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Thanks for sharing. It's nice to hear success stories and see that there is light at the end of the tunnel! Congrats and keep up the good work!

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Hi Kathleen, I think it was one of your older posts that I read in the middle of the night before my first day of quitting a year ago that really drove things home for me. You wrote that your pharmacist dad told you "if you can't enjoy a sunset without a pill that's not normal." I realized that was my life and it was so sad. I couldn't enjoy anything, whether seeing a sunset, being around friends, listening to music, watching a movie, nothing, without adderall. One year later I still remember reading your story and being inspired. Thank you and good to hear you are doing well!

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