Zerokewl Posted December 30, 2013 Report Share Posted December 30, 2013 The pharmacy I used to score at is about a block from my home. So in the last 7 month I've walked past the pharmacy roughly 400 times telling myself I don't need it, I don't want it, I'm better with out. I've posted on this site almost 500 times and spent countless hours reading articles. I've slept a lot and done some serious soul searching. I was a very different person 7 months ago. Angry, confused, exhausted,malnourished and tweaked. This journey has been really hard at times. It has also been really rewarding, taking time for myself and learning to love myself has made me a better person more at peace. Still struggling with depression, focus and fixing the mess I made. I'm moving on and momentum is everything. Occasionally I have these wonderful moments of clarity and I get seriously excited about the new life I am building. We will overcome this. 2013 redefined us, the civil war in our mind has defined us. Adderall took everything from me, and everyday i'm taking it back by force. Decide what you want and lets make 2014 comeback story of or lives. Thank you to everyone for all your support over the last 7 months. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted December 30, 2013 Report Share Posted December 30, 2013 Congratulations on 7 months ZK. You are at the point where I noticed things getting better so I hope that you are starting to have more good days than bad. Savor those moments of clarity and excitement as they help get through the bad days. Thank you for your participation in this community and for being an admin for the site. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted December 31, 2013 Report Share Posted December 31, 2013 Nice post Z. Congratulations on 7 months. You have certainly earned the progress. Thank you for your support. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 I think sometimes I don't want discourage newer members or want to put a brave face on this thing. I'm really not doing that well. I am struggling with all my projects. I am trying so hard to be well that it seems like my only focus. I sit at my computer trying to focus on web development and end up just lost. Ok I decide maybe you need to go to the coffee house and try to concentrate there, no luck. Next the library no luck. I just can't focus and the depression is so severe some days. I am alone most of the time so I am stuck in my head all of the time. Anyways not to be a downer, I just feel like a fraud for always posting positive shit when thats not really how I feel. I'm struggling, I struggle daily with this mess I've made. I so badly need to focus and finish some projects. All I want for 2014 is to be able to focus again. -edit this highly negative post was the result of a hangover causing severe depression. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted January 2, 2014 Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 ZK, There's no shame in being honest. I think that a lot of us make a conscious effort to stay positive. The reality is that life isn't all sunshine, lollipops, and roses. We all have bad days, keep the faith man. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 ugg I tempted to delete this post however.. I think I should leave it up to remind me I can't drink & smoke pot even moderately. This post was the result of what i can only describe as a depressive episode. Not exactly the way I wanted to start the New Year. I'll take it as a warning, I must be ever vigilant of depression. Yesterday was just plain awful, awful, awful. Today is a new day. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted January 2, 2014 Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 I've also had to keep a close eye on how often I drink; sometimes it is the day after or a couple of days after but I always follow up a night of drinking (even in moderation) with a down day. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted January 2, 2014 Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Zerokewl, I think being honest when coming out of addiction is so important! I understand wanting to put on a brave face for people on the site (I've done that), but it's good to just tell it how it is, because you'll probably learn that you're thinking is absolutely normal, because I've tho Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted January 2, 2014 Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Zerokewl, I think being honest when coming out of addiction is so important! I understand wanting to put on a brave face for people on the site (I've done that), but it's good to just tell it how it is, because you'll probably learn that you're thinking is absolutely normal, because I've thought that way many times in my quitting, but I got great advice from others on how to redirect those thoughts. You're doing great! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted January 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2014 Thanks. When I am well I am a very positive person. The depression/anxiety I am currently experiencing is unbearable. I know it will pass, I know things will get better. Maybe this is a paws episode? Maybe not I seem to remember this type of depression ,major unable to move,impacting my life before pre-adderall/ritalin /concerta. I hope I am feeling better tomorrow. I was doing much better a few weeks ago. I'm sorta in this pattern of emerge and fall down, emerge and fall down. I know things will get better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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