Jon

The 60 day challange "reloaded"

278 posts in this topic

Day 37 confirmed.  Had first adderall dream last night since this last quit. 

 

It was different:  I somehow got my hands on a full script bottle and I had counted out exactly 4 that I was going to allow myself.  Then I thought of you guys (even in my dreams this site saves me haha) and since I couldn't face falling again I put them back in the bottle and put them away.  Then I woke up.  That's not how my adderall dreams go usually.

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Day 42 confirmed. 

Another weird dream with a much darker theme.

I got my hands on a huge bottle full of about a 2 month supply.  I was about to just start going mental and having a hayday when my best friend caught me and we had a huge argument.  Eventually he gave up, and somehow pulled another stash out of his pocket.  He threw it on the ground and it exploded with pills flying everywhere.  I scrambled to the ground to start picking them up.  I barely noticed him walking away saying to go find a new friend.  I was just thrilled to add his stash to mine.

That pretty accurately sums up my inner addict.  I was really bummed out yesterday and spent half the day plotting to get my hands on a refill so it was probably not a coincidence that I had this dream.

Saddest part was, when I woke up, I was kind of disappointed that it was just a dream.

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Day 43 confirmed.  Things are going fine over the last few days.  I have absolutely nothing to complain about.  Yet the cravings are worse than ever and I can't help but feel like I'm going to cave.  Sometimes I don't think it's my willpower that's keeping me from using, but rather it's my inner addict acting strategically.

 

This is literally my thought process sometimes:

 

If I were to ask for more adderall now, he would just say "No! You told me to cut you off!".  I would have to convince him that I'm not addicted anymore.  It's too soon for that.  Wait a bit longer, maybe another month or so, and then act like you just needed a break.

 

This is usually what I'm thinking during cravings, and then after they pass I am of course glad that I'm clean and glad I couldn't get any.  But due to the nature of my situation, the longer I'm clean it feels like the louder those thoughts become.

 

When I have work to do, and the energy to do it, I'm fine.

But once I get tired and it's time to relax afterwards, that's when I feel the most vulnerable.  I can't seem to take pleasure in just chilling out, doing nothing.  Instead I think about work, and how I'm not doing it.  I'm in this constant state of discomfort/guilt.

I think that's why I found early recovery so much easier.  I would just sleep through all this crap.

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Day 47 confirmed.....

Every day has been worse than the one before it seems.  I finally broke down yesterday and asked for a refill and was denied.  I feel sick to my stomach with humiliation. 

Psychologically I feel not that much different than during a crash.  I guess what's what I wanted so badly... and now I got it.

Update:  Literally going through my crash ritual right now.  Didn't even realize it until I had cleaned up a bunch of garbage and got a load of laundry started.  (This is always how I would try to make myself feel better while I hated myself for relapsing).  I feel so crappy right now, but at least I don't have an impending 3 day recovery period awaiting me tomorrow.  Maybe this is what true recovery is supposed to feel like.....

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YAY!!  Good for your doctor  for denying your request!  It is the best thing in the world that could have happened.  Remember, all things happen for a reason...

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Day 47 confirmed.....

Every day has been worse than the one before it seems. I finally broke down yesterday and asked for a refill and was denied. I feel sick to my stomach with humiliation.

Psychologically I feel not that much different than during a crash. I guess what's what I wanted so badly... and now I got it.

Update: Literally going through my crash ritual right now. Didn't even realize it until I had cleaned up a bunch of garbage and got a load of laundry started. (This is always how I would try to make myself feel better while I hated myself for relapsing). I feel so crappy right now, but at least I don't have an impending 3 day recovery period awaiting me tomorrow. Maybe this is what true recovery is supposed to feel like.....

For me, days 30-120 were the worst of the withdrawal..so, sounds pretty normal. Consider the first six months "very early recovery." Lower your expectations drastically.
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Day 47 confirmed.....

Every day has been worse than the one before it seems.  I finally broke down yesterday and asked for a refill and was denied.  I feel sick to my stomach with humiliation. 

Psychologically I feel not that much different than during a crash.  I guess what's what I wanted so badly... and now I got it.

Update:  Literally going through my crash ritual right now.  Didn't even realize it until I had cleaned up a bunch of garbage and got a load of laundry started.  (This is always how I would try to make myself feel better while I hated myself for relapsing).  I feel so crappy right now, but at least I don't have an impending 3 day recovery period awaiting me tomorrow.  Maybe this is what true recovery is supposed to feel like.....

I'm really happy you were denied because I already believe you have come so far. 1mth and 2 weeks in! you dont need to go back to it. It wont be getting any worse at this point.

I can understand why you feel humilated, you asked and were denied...all you can do now is know you tried. (& remind yourself you cant get the prescription anyway)The fact that the doc said no was a huge gain on your end. Feel better Roobiki. im still rooting for you!

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Day 51 confirmed.  Feeling way better now.  I think I just hit a low point and reached out from desperation.  If I hadn't have confessed my problem 51 days ago I'd probably be high right now.  I'm glad I was denied and cut off.

Thanks for the encouragement.

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Day 51 confirmed.  Feeling way better now.  I think I just hit a low point and reached out from desperation.  If I hadn't have confessed my problem 51 days ago I'd probably be high right now.  I'm glad I was denied and cut off.

Thanks for the encouragement.

 

You've got this! 

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This is why I tell everyone to confess it all to everyone you know and even strangers that you meet.  Profess it to the masses!  It sure helps to have some external accountability when you are feeling weak.  Hang in there, because you are doing great!!

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53 days confirmed.

Thanks guys, last couple days have been so much better.  I still have been thinking about it every day, but not like when I snapped.

Been reflecting lately I think as I start to really wake up I am hit with the horrifying reality of what it took from me.  What adderall offers is:  "Hey I can make you stop thinking about that and escape from it again, if you just let me take the rest."

Music has been a huge source of healing for me.  It's been the source of most of my joy on the good days, and one of my last places to hide during the worst ones.  I'm also learning to intertwining it with work in small time intervals, to rejuvenate myself and keep semi-engaged with my job.

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One more week and you hit 60 days!  Good job on making it this far and keep living life day by day.  Success is yours.

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60 days confirmed.  (I went back and counted just to be sure.)

 

This feels pretty good to post.

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Hey Roobiki, way to go!  I knew you were getting close and I was planning an inquiry post to see if you made it all the way to 60 if I didn't hear from you soon.  You still have many miles ahead in your recovery journey, but knowing you made it 60 days Adderall free is a great start.  You certainly did the right thing by eliminating your supply options! 

Please do something special for yourself for completing the 60 day challenge.

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Day 40! I had a dream last night that I took an adderall my friend gave me and I was so pissed at myself. It was so real and I was so relieved when I woke up. I won't ever be starting over again.

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