Nervous and Need Advice

[MeAgain 4]

Hi,Everyone!

I've been reading on this site when I can since Saturday, and already I need to thank so many people for inspiring and supporting me, even though you didn't know it.

I took my last pill about 5 hours ago, and the crash is starting. Unfortunately, I'm still working on the paper I wanted to finish before this dreaded moment, and it is slower and slower going. I'm enrolled in a very intense online Master's program, and I finish my current class as soon as this paper is done, which should have been last night. Part of this program's intensity is that each new 6-week class begins the day after your last one ends. No breather. So today begins a new class, right when I'm about to start withdrawing. I may have the option of postponing the class for one week, but I'm not sure if giving myself one week post-addy will be enough to help me at least wrap my head around quitting and allow me to get a game plan and, hopefully, some support. Is this just a cop-out? The other option is to start the class today, and hope it doesn't get too ahead of me before I can really jump in. Or maybe crawl in. Regardless, maybe I shouldn't be looking for a way out of anything right now.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[oyvey 102]

For starters are you taking it as prescribed, abusing, not prescribed at all? Quitting is all about whether you want to or not regardless of life circumstance{school, work, high, depression etc}.

[MeAgain 4]

I have been prescribed 3 20mg tablets a day, for about 2 1/2 years, but I am never able to stick to that. I wind up averaging 4-6 pills a day, and then I crash for about a week a month. Some months I manage to run out only a couple days before my next prescription, but either way, I spend the month counting, planning, recounting when I exceed my plan . . . in other words, my life revolves around my supply of Adderall . . . how many do I have left, when will I run out, when will I get more, how will I function till then, just a cycle of insanity. I have a long history of depression, anxiety, and diagnoses of ADD and Bipolar Disorder. I planned on telling my story later in more depth, because I'd like to unravel the roots of my dependence on this pill. Right now, though, I still am struggling with this paper. I used to be a very high-energy person, without pills, but now it feels like I will never be able to get back to that -- these days I can barely move from the bed or the couch during the periods I run out. I am taking the hope I've found on this site to hang on to the belief that I might be able to get back to myself again.

[oyvey 102]

There are plenty of people on here that live and relate to your life. Can you get back to life and be adderall free? Absolutely. It's going to be a process and there will be lots of lows before highs , but you can do it. It doesn't sound like your if the paper is your reason not to stop now but that's just my 2 cents. When you're ready there are plenty of us here to help. I was looking for the nearest cliff last week but I'm not this week. Stick around and read stories. I can tell you one thing for sure. You're not alone at all in your abuse, depressions etc etc

[oyvey 102]

No one is here to pressure you. You come clean when you're ready. I found that reading stories and venting/bitching helped me.

[MeAgain 4]

Thanks, oyvey, I haven't talked to anyone but my husband about this. But he also takes Adderall and is somewhere else in his process. Hates it but loves it, as do we all at some point, I'm starting to see. I really do want off this ride. I hate so many things about this drug, one of which is the sense of panic that starts only a few days after getting my prescription filled, because I know that once again its not going to last through the month and at some point I'll stop functioning again. I just want to be able to rely on myself again, to like myself, to accomplish things by my own God-given energy and drive, and to be genuinely tuned in to other people and to Life in general. My last pill was almost thirteen hours ago. I'm shocked that I'm not really freaking out. Apprehensive, yes, but not the panic I usually experience right about now. I'm taking that as a positive, hopeful sign.This place is truly a Godsend. Just knowing that I'm not alone is making a huge difference. Thank you again!

[oyvey 102]

This is a pretty blunt and honest board. Being with someone that uses or abuses is going to make it remarkably difficult to stop. I'm just being honest, but it will make chances of recovery 50x harder than it has to be. Please take that respectfully.

[Jon 685]

Welcome to the forums MeAgain. Any lead time you can afford to give yourself will help with the first few weeks of withdrawal. You know the pain of withdrawal already, so use that information in planning your quit. I don't think taking another 6 week high intensity class will be in the cards for you. You may want to time your quit differently.

 

It would be a win/win situation if you could get your husband to be your quit buddy, in fact it may be vital to a successful quit for you.

 

You can get back to yourself again, but honestly you already know the routine; from the bed to the couch. That struggle has to play out over a longer period of time than you are thinking and you have to surrender yourself to the process. Quitting is hard, but you can do it if you want it strongly enough. We are her to help you along the way.

[MeAgain 4]

Thanks so much for your insights and support, Jon. I would have responded sooner, but just got through Days 1 and 2 without Adderall, and so far I am managing to stay awake for longer stretches on today, Day 3. I didn't mention that I have a couple other responsibilities which continue as I seemingly grind down to nothing. One is my precious daughter, age 4. The other is much more difficult to deal with, on or off Addy, and that's my elderly (late 80s), crotchety, currently-ailing (after a fall) mother, for whom I am fulltime caregiver. She lives with us and provides another source of drama. She has already provided enough drama this morning to last the year, and it was all I could do not to escalate the situation to kingdom come. As it is, I didn't handle it beautifully, but I'm just trying to tell myself it could have been worse. And to use it as a reminder of why Adderall and my life don't mix. As for my husband, that's a whole nother post. He's withdrawing too, cuz we both ran out, but he's in a very different headspace. Best to stay away for a few days.

I was able to get 10 more days off from school, which is generous in this program. Now I just hope I'll be ale to get my head back into it when the time comes. One day at a time, I guess?

Thank you for the great questions and support, oyvey and Jon. Not feeling completely alone is tremendously helpful. I will keep you posted, especially as the gears in my brain start creaking along again.

[oyvey 102]

No problem. You'll have ups and downs but the ups will always follow no matter how unimaginable they may seem at the time. 

[quit-once 1,741]

I don't have any practice raising a kid but I do have plenty of experience as a caregiver for the last five years of my mom's life.  I did it all on Adderall.  I also reared a puppy at the same time and the Adderall gave me the patience I needed to get through it all.  I am not encouraging you to second-guess your Quit, MeAgain, but for me Adderall was an essential tool that gave me unlimited patience and energy I needed while numbing the depression that went along with it.  I thought I could easily quit after Mom went in to a care center and that is when I realized I had a serious addiction problem.  It still took me another eight months after she died to kick the speed and the cigarette habits.  Looking back, I believe I could have done it all and maybe better without being high on Adderall, but I don't believe I could have quit any sooner than I did.

 

Be patient and kind to your mother in her last days.  You will not regret it later on. 

[amandaVT 10]

I just took my last. I am quitting my job. I'm so scared of how I'm going to feel tomorrow. But I can' truncation on or off of it anymore. It's ruining my family. I can' tog to work. My priority is being sober and everything else is second to that.

[JustinW 1,287]

Good for you Amanda! Consider writing down everything that is bad about taking Adderall while it is still fresh in your mind. This can be a huge help on bad days. Secondly, I would encourage you to start a thread that introduces you (unless you don't feel comfortable sharing at this point). Thirdly, mosey on over to the 30 day challenge so you can be cheered along as you get through the first month of your journey. Welcome to the forums!