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nosleep_ox

To Recovering Addicts

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Okay so I haven't posted on here for a WHILE and a lot has happend since the last time so I'll skip most of those details. Basically last year I was a full blown addict failed my classes and was extremely unhealthy. Fast forward to this past august, I got healthier over the summer and got a waitressing job while I took online classes living at home. I still have been filling my perscriptions once every month for 60 twenty-mg tablets. I think the main reason I got healthy at home over the summer even though I still had my scripts was because at home I wasnt buying more from other people like I was at school. Fast forwar to now I just am so sick of the cycle. Every month I fill my script and run out a week or two early because once I take one I can't stop myself from taking more throughout the day. Everytime I go sometime without it and get back into a normal routine without adderall, I always make note to myself "I felt fine today I really don't need adderall for anything r". But I always fill my script when it's timeI because I feel like I'm subconsciously always counting down til I get adderall again.

In reality, IT FUCKS MY LIFE UP. It ALWAYS will make me feel shitty after. And it gets worse and worse each time. I got a lot better from last year and the summer once I got a job to keep me busy but now I know I'm slipping again. Adderall controls the events that take place in my life. I couldn't go hang out with this guy I'm talking to tonight because I stayed out too late on adderall last night and now Im too tired and don't have any left. If adderall wasn't involved, who knows how I would have really spent my weekend. I'm destroying my body and brain. How many years of my life do I want to cut off? For me there is either life on adderall or life free of adderall. There is no I between for me. There is no take it as needed for school work or for a long drive or anything for me. I am an addict.

Those of you who were once addicted to and abused adderall and now have been without it for some time, I need your help.

I need to find out how to enjoy life without the need of any substances. I know I already have everything I need within me, but how can I get genuinely excited for things and live day to day feeling like I used to. Will I ever get over feeling like I wish I had adderall right now or do I need to accept the fact it won't ever be te same for me again. Or can it be better and just a different kind of normal? I want to be the kind of person who wakes up in the morning and is excited to live the day. I don't want to rely on anything for motivation. How can I be content living my life free of substances?

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Hey welcome back to the forum. You sure are right Aderall fucks up life...  Sobriety is as easy as not taking the next pill. Staying sober and living life sober is a little more complicated.  To be happy and sober will take some hard work on your part.  It is difficult at first but it gets better and can be absolutely fucking wonderful.  You have to want it though, the peace you seek is possible. 

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It is possible but to be successful it takes time, patience, commitment, faith, perseverence and cutting off your supply. It takes a long time to feel normal, happy, excited, etc. You have to pay your dues and you have to accept that recovery is a slow process.

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The "excitement" you are seeking is simply not possible in a life of sobriety.  Adderall made me excited for just about anything...hell, even laundry and dishes were "exciting".  But it is a drug-induced excitement that only lasts the few magical moments after you take that first pill, or even when you are planning to take that first dose.  You may need to lower the bar for your expectations because nothing duplicates that drug-induced excitement.  You have already answered your own question: it can be better but just a different kind of normal"  It is not normal to be hyper-excited for every single day, or excited for doing things that are mundane and not entirely enjoyable.  

 

"I don't want to rely on anything for motivation"  You have borrowed from your future motivation (during recovery) while pursuing your addiction the last few years.  These are the "dues" we all have to pay as recovering addicts.  Your motivation will return, and it will eventually be a better and more sustained motivation than Adderall ever gave you, but it takes a lot of time.  Think years, not weeks or months.

 

"How can I be content living my life free from substances?"  This is a question only you can answer and it is something you must actively work on every day after quitting.  For me, I was so relieved to be free from the burden of that awful addiction that I was content with life shortly after the physical withdrawals wore off and life without pills just gradually became the new normal.  Of course there will be ups and downs during your recovery and dealing with those downs is how you grow and become a better, wiser and more mature person.

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The "excitement" you are seeking is simply not possible in a life of sobriety.  Adderall made me excited for just about anything...hell, even laundry and dishes were "exciting".  But it is a drug-induced excitement that only lasts the few magical moments after you take that first pill, or even when you are planning to take that first dose.  You may need to lower the bar for your expectations because nothing duplicates that drug-induced excitement.  You have already answered your own question: it can be better but just a different kind of normal"  It is not normal to be hyper-excited for every single day, or excited for doing things that are mundane and not entirely enjoyable.  

 

"I don't want to rely on anything for motivation"  You have borrowed from your future motivation (during recovery) while pursuing your addiction the last few years.  These are the "dues" we all have to pay as recovering addicts.  Your motivation will return, and it will eventually be a better and more sustained motivation than Adderall ever gave you, but it takes a lot of time.  Think years, not weeks or months.

 

 

So true and very well said, quit-once.  These points can't be reiterated enough.

 

Hi nosleep_ox!!  Welcome back!   :)   As you're already seeing, adderall is not sustainable in the long term.  It gets worse and worse.  The rewards, the euphoria, and even the motivation levels (or any "benefit") you'll get from it, will continue declining.   (Check out the article in "Announcements" folder, called "8 stages of amphetamine abuse.")  Adderall addiction is a downward spiral.  It just brings you further and further downwards; for a lot of people, it ruins your life more and more until you have no choice but to quit.  Chasing the addiction is chasing a high that will never be possible for you again.  The longer you continue this cycle, the higher the dues you'll have to pay at the back side of your adderall time.   So, as someone who completely hit rock bottom with adderall, my suggestion is to not end up like I did-- to STOP NOW before it gets any worse.  Because it can only get worse from here.  

 

Hope you stick around the forums; they'll help you stay quit when and if make that choice for real.   You sound like an amazing person who is way too good for adderall (then again, aren't we all?)

 

EDIT: I didn't mean to sound all negative in this post.  What I'm trying to convey, most of all, is that if you want your life to get better, if you want that joy and motivation and happiness and energy back, then QUITTING ADDERALL is the way to go!!!  There is a lot of good waiting for you on the other side :)  

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Thank you guys all so much for your responses. I really appreciate you taking your time to give me feedback. I've known I have to quit for a while now I just feel like there's always a part inside of me that's not really fully committed. It's like when I'm crashing at the end of my supply I hate myself and every part of me realizes how vital it is for me to quit for good. Then a couple days pass and I'm over the initial major sleepiness and go about my days without any problems. But then a week or so later it's time I can fill my script again and I start getting physically excited before I even get to the pharmacy. I know that's just my cravings and my addiction, but I don't know what it's gunna take for me to really fully commit, it's like I'm waiting for rock bottom. THAT makes no sense but that's how my addiction and my self are constantly battling. When and how can my self trump my addiction and not the other way around. Do you guys remember the moment you decided to REALLY quit? How was that time different than other times you tried to quit.

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Nosleep_ox,

I want to start by saying I agree with every post above on this thread. The point that stands out to me the most is that recovery is a new normal. It takes time to come to terms with and learn what that new normal is, but it's a much, much more peaceful place. With that being said, there is a difference between feeling like you should quit and knowing you can't go on like this and being ready to quit. I appreciate your honesty about where you are in that regard. You asked the question when was the time we were ready to quit. Mine was very much an aha moment. First of all, I took my parents to my counselor with me to tell them I was addicted to adderall, and I needed to make changes in my life. They were supportive. This was the point in my addiction that my counselor and I discussed as the contemplation stage. I was at that point for about a year....trying to control my usage unsuccessfully and eventually abusing back to where I had been. During that time, I became ready (or as ready as you can ever feel) to fight my heart out to quit and move on to what counselors call the action stage. Sitting with my addiction counselor in a session, I told her I'm ready. She asked if I'd be willing to consider rehab. I said yes. She called a rehab right then who said I could drive for an evaluation at that very moment. I drove there, scared out of my mind, bawling my eyes out and went in for an evaluation. As I was speaking with them, that's when it all hit me. If I didn't choose to give this 100% on my own (and by my own I mean lots of prayer, this site, and a great support system), I was GOING TO REHAB. While I have the utmost respect for people who choose to go to rehab to fight their addictions, I was terrified of it, so from that day I decided I was going to give this the best shot I could on my own, or I was checking myself into that facility....and that has been the deal I've promised myself ever since, abstinence from all speed or rehab. Sorry this was long, I just want you to know I understand where you are coming from...I think each of us has our own path to becoming ready, whether it be rock bottom or not. If you're not ready now, I think you'll get there. It's just sad to think the years of our lives this addiction can take from us. Keep posting....you never know when something might be an aha moment for you!!! I wish you all of the best.

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The "excitement" you are seeking is simply not possible in a life of sobriety. Adderall made me excited for just about anything...hell, even laundry and dishes were "exciting". But it is a drug-induced excitement that only lasts the few magical moments after you take that first pill, or even when you are planning to take that first dose. You may need to lower the bar for your expectations because nothing duplicates that drug-induced excitement. You have already answered your own question: it can be better but just a different kind of normal" It is not normal to be hyper-excited for every single day, or excited for doing things that are mundane and not entirely enjoyable.

"I don't want to rely on anything for motivation" You have borrowed from your future motivation (during recovery) while pursuing your addiction the last few years. These are the "dues" we all have to pay as recovering addicts. Your motivation will return, and it will eventually be a better and more sustained motivation than Adderall ever gave you, but it takes a lot of time. Think years, not weeks or months.

"How can I be content living my life free from substances?" This is a question only you can answer and it is something you must actively work on every day after quitting. For me, I was so relieved to be free from the burden of that awful addiction that I was content with life shortly after the physical withdrawals wore off and life without pills just gradually became the new normal. Of course there will be ups and downs during your recovery and dealing with those downs is how you grow and become a better, wiser and more mature person.

Quit once..this is so true. It makes us excited and giddy about everything. Whenever I am talking to my mom, and I'm in a good mood or excited about something she sometimes gets suspicious and fears I have started taking adderall again. This is the same with my sister. When I get too excited it makes them worried. Understandable.
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nosleep_ox,

 

Your bottom is whenever you stop digging. 

 

All of us here are proof that you can do it.

 

I had to accept that getting clean was going to be a long process that I couldn't control, and decide to take suggestions, even if I didn't understand or agree, from people who knew more about recovering from addiction than I did. 

 

My best friend had become my worst enemy. I had to let go of what was making me miserable, and by all rights should have killed me.

 

Keep asking for help. None of us can do this on our own.

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This is a great thread! There is so much wisdom here and it is all within your reach, nosleep_ox. To pick up where Ashley left off, you never know when you are going to have your Aha moment, but if you keep asking questions like "what's it really like to live life sober?" you will have it sooner rather than later. Sooner means you are curious and involved. You are activly learning about your addiction. Later means you just let the drug run your life until you come crashing into your bottom. I think that's as aweful as it sounds, and it's you life you are talking about, not some character in a movie.

 

For me, my Aha moment came when I found this website and realized that quitting was possible. It was as simple as that. My doctor had me convinced that I could stay on Adderall for the rest of my life, but I knew from experience that it was not working out as easily as he was able to say it. I was quite sick and totally exhausted from using the drug for so long. I was tired of digging. I was ready to quit after I learned the truth on these threads.

 

Hang around, read everything you can here. The most important thing you can do to help yourself in addiction is to take action. That can mean a lot of things; like being open, learning from others, taking suggestions. Don't wait for your bottom. Choose to quit for yourself. You deserve it!

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From this thread I have learned two things, so far:

 

Everybody who has successfully quit has had their "ahah moment".  (mine was when I realized than an addiction to speed was simply unsustainable over the long term).

 

We all had to dig some kind of hole with our addictions before quitting and getting better.  Some people dig a mud puddle and others dig the Grand Canyon.

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