Will begin rehab in 4 days- 10 yrs. w/abuse cycle

[jessiem]

Hello. My name is Jessica. I am 30 yrs. old and have been taking adderall for 10 years. My story begins in August 2000 when I tried adderall for the first time. My boyfriend and I had been dating for about a year and a half (living an hour apart) when we decided to move into our first apartment together. He had been diagnosed as ADHD in his Junior year of high school and had been prescribed adderall for about 2 yrs. when we moved in together. He did not like taking adderall and would only take it when he needed to cram for a test or write a report for a college course. We both were in our 1st semester of college and in Sept. 2000 he gave me a pill to help me prep for an upcoming exam. From that time on, I started taking more and more of his prescription and eventually began taking it regularly as prescribed. At first, he didn't mind. But eventually he became increasingly frustrated with me because I would take his entire prescription and he would have to wait until the next refill date to get more. I quickly became dependant on his adderall and continued taking his prescription for the next 7 years. He grew more and more frustrated with me with each year, but only continued giving me his prescription because I would express my dire need (sometimes begging) for taking it. Finally, in 2007, he was fed up and quit going to his doctor to get the prescription. He had already graduated from college and I had another year to go. I was desperate and went to a doctor to get my own prescription. Finally, in September 2007 I was able to get my own prescription with a monthly supply of 90 15mg pills. I graduated with my Bachelor degree in May 2008 and was 4 months into our 1st pregnancy so I stopped taking adderall after I graduated. My greatest shame with this addiction is the fact that I continued taking adderall for the first 3 months of my pregnancy until I finished school. I stopped taking adderall for 7 months (May - December 2008). My son was born in September and I breastfed him until the end of December. I went back to my doctor January 2009 and have continued taking adderall since. My son is now 2yrs. old and his dad and I are still together but my abuse of adderall has progressively gotten worse and I take all of my pills for the month in 2 weeks. So, I have been on this horrible cycle of 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off for almost two years now. Over the past several months I have started abusing them to the point where I will binge (with little to no sleep) for the first week and then crash (still taking high doses) throughout the 2nd week. This crash is characterized by my body's tolerance (allowing me to sleep) becoming so high that I need to take 3x the amount to even have an effect. So, I might take all of the amount I would normally take throughout the day, by noon just to get me up and going. Then, by the end of the 2nd week I run out of pills and thats when I really crash. I cannot take this rollercoaster anymore! I have been lucky that this has not, yet, completely ruined my life. But, it has come to a point where I am dangerously close to losing the love of my life and my whole world is in peril because of this addiction. Adderall has become an evil curse and I keep thinking "okay this month I am going to make my prescription last and take it like I should". But, I always fail and can never make it beyond 2 weeks before running out. So, I am going to get treatment for my addiction. My initial screening is in 4 days, I have 130mg remaining (which might last 2 days), and I am scared but ready to take back my life. I know it is going to be a fighting battle to live without adderall, but it is a battle that I can no longer avoid! I am thankful that I discovered this website this evening, because I think that it will be valuable resource that will help support my strength in fighting the battle that is to come in the months (and possibly years) to come.

[christopherxy]

Hey, I just found this site tonight. I think Ive gotten the glimmer of hope that you have!... Good luck. Treatment is a brave step. You've said the most important things already "about to loose the love of your life." You seem so passionate about your family, so It Is Worth Fighting For!

[jessiem]

Chris, thank you for your words of encouragement.

Yes, family is my passion. Divorce, was the demon that came when I was 10 yrs. old and robbed my world of love and family. Now, addiction is that demon returning and trying to take the love and family from my life. But I am not going to let it!

Today was my initial screening and day 3 of the rest of my life. I will complete an 8-week Intensive Outpatient Program that includes 2-hour group counciling sessions, 3 days/week. Then, I will complete a 16-week aftercare program that includes a 1.5-hour group counciling session 1 day/week.

This addiction is truely the "devil in disguise". It comes and says "here, have all this great power and glory". But it doesn't tell you that shadows begin to fill your soul and the only escape is to rid them with this evil drug adderall. The longer you are on adderall, the more trapped you become. Over the past few years, I really thought that there was no way out. I thought that I was going to die early because of this addiction.

Now, I know in my heart that this is not going to happen. I know this because the lord has given me 3 "warriors" that will help me defeat this addiction. The first "warrior" is my family support. The second "warrior" is the addiction recovery program. And the third "warrior" is this website.

Good luck to everyone! My prayers are with you.

[christopherxy]

Wow!You've inspired me. I want three warriors!Lets see: I have my dearest of friends, my loving family, and My love of personal health!

Keep up the good work. You really do sound PREPARED! You've got all the tools at hand for success. Please keep us updated!