Month plus still hate my lazy ass!

[Frank B]

I can motivate myself to work but don't enjoy doing it. I was really tempted to use again today I have so much to do things I like to do but just don't want to. I guess after so many years the natural endorphins are gone unless something extreme happens but I'm sick of my house looking like shit sick of work not being done sick of overall lack of motivation but then again I recall the last couple months on high doses that was already setting in. I'm caught in limbo not recovered not on adderal thinking maybe I'm better being a addict at least I get shit done but now everything's pointless just want to die at times I look at all I accomplished on adderal now know I can't ever get that many things done with a total lack of happiness whatsoever performing task I used to like. I'm not talking about folding laundry mindless crap I'm mean building with my hands or fixing a complex problem now I just want to sit on my ass and do much of nothing and wondering when the fuck or if I ever I can have motivation or self satisfaction doing much of anything maybe someone can give me hope on here but all I see is the same after you quit it sucks and takes many years to get normal if that's the case screw it give me my pill. Obviously I don't want to give up or would not be on here but looking for some hope in the near future.

[Cassie]

It's only been a month! Give yourself a break, your brain needs time to heal. You can't force the recovery process so just relax as much as possible and minimize stress. Can you hire someone to come clean your house?

[Frank B]

I can't stand to give myself a break it's been over a month and hate not accomplishing much of anything. How long does this take to heal? I see a couple months ok but years or maybe never..then what's the point live my life a bum being clean off the script I'd hate myself. If the damage is just done regardless then I feel getting back on is my only option rather die young of a heart tack then live my life hating who I've become off this pill.

[Zerokewl]

This is where the rubber meets the road in terms of recovery.  Overcoming the Adderall mindset is probably the most difficult thing.  It is just a mindset you think you were more productive,organised, smarter  on adderall,  When I start looking at the brilliant projects I did on Adderall 9 months later they are less brilliant. I really wasn't that productive or brilliant. Also I made catastrophic strategic errors.    

 

Your early in your recovery so take it easy try to focus on one thing at a time. It takes time and practice to get things done. Look at completing tasks without adderall as the work you have to do. Focus on the process you are relearning how to focus again and it can be difficult at times.  Baby steps, baby steps. 

 

You may want to consider anti-depressants. The ability to feel joy, happiness does return. It takes some time adderall really does fuck with your brain chemistry and it takes some time to level off.  Your job the work you are doing right now is recovering and its an important task. 

[Luckyducky]

I feel you frank! Read up on PAWS I'm sure that

Is what your feeling right now. It's easy to see the negative in being sober but I have NEVER met a person that has true sobriety that there life isn't 100 percent better off drugs then on drugs. I also recommend reading about natural ways to induce endorphins. When I detoxed off pain meds my PAWS was horrible! So I made a list of of all natural endorphins boost and did everything on the list for 3 weeks and I started feeling like myself:

Dopamine, Serotonin and Endorphins: Simple ways to naturally increase these feel good mood-enhancers:

MUSIC – Music is powerful and can move you emotionally. When you’re coming off opiates you’re body probably feels like it’s thawing out. Your bodies probably more sensitive to touch and sound. Good music can absolutely help your mood and get those brain chemicals working again. Try and listen to mostly upbeat music.

MEDITATION – Meditation helps the nervous system operate at its best; when done properly this produces optimum levels of serotonin and endorphins. If you’re interested in learning meditation without all the hard work, check out Holosync here.

LAUGHTER – Watch a good comedy movie or have a laugh with friends to release endorphins.

SUNLIGHT – bright light increases the production of Serotonin in the body. Spending time in the sunlight can absolutely improve your mood and also soothe muscle aches. Tanning beds can be helpful if no sun is shinning.

SEX – is a powerful producer of endorphins. A long session can dramatically increase endorphins. When you’re in withdrawal sex can be a very nice escape.

ACUPUNCTURE – acupuncture increases circulation and stimulates the release of endorphins. If you haven’t looked into acupuncture while in withdrawal – you might want to try it out, it can be VERY helpful during healing.

MASSAGE – stimulates the release of endorphins. Massaging your own scalp and shower massager’s can provide an affordable alternative to expensive treatments. Massage therapy can feel wonderful.

HERBS/SUPPLEMENTS – St John’s Wort, 5-HTP and L Tyrosine all can increase serotonin, dopamine and in the brain. Thus easing withdrawal symptoms and shortening withdrawal duration.

EXERCISE – is one of the best natural ways to produce both serotonin, dopamine and endorphins. Vigorous exercise is best because the stronger the physical demand you place on your body, the greater the release of endorphins. You should try weight training and high and low intensity exercises. Work out as long as you can.

You can also increase serotonin by eating the right foods, including:

Eat carbohydrate rich meals and lots of vegetables. Healthy choices include whole grain breads, whole grain pasta, rice, brocolli, spinach lettuce, etc. Eating fat processed foods will do the opposite. Eat better and improve how you feel. (now to contradict myself)

Eat sweet foods like chocolate, only a couple squares of good quality chocolate with a high percentage of Cocoa in it can raise these chemicals.

Serotonin is naturally occurring in foods like pineapples, bananas, nuts and plums.

Get an adequate supply of B vitamins, folic acid and vitamin C because these vitamins play a role in transmitting brain chemicals.

Spicy foods like Chile’s, peppers and jalapenos. The heat triggers the release of endorphins, so the spicier the better.

Improving serotonin, dopamine and endorphins levels are important for shortening and recovering

[Frank B]

I've on depressants does not do a lot for happy moods but it has helped me quit smoking and keeps my appetite under control. Shit ever since I was a kid been depressed always looked to self medicate as a teenager pot usual stuff. When was 20 tried coke for the first time loved the feeling (who doesn't some very bad stuff just say no!) but was not one to get hooked knew the consequences but felt while doing it awake and happy for the first time a lot more than pot. When I was 20 my girlfriend had ADHD was on Ritalin took that for the first time omg that was it knew I needed this felt awake and happy for the first time. At college went to get evaluated for a prescription they said no. So fast forward 7 years (long after the coke parties ended) my son was diagnosed with ADHD his mom was the one on Ritalin she did have ADHD big time I'm no doc but she absolutely needed it. My son who I was raising on my own since 9 months was a wreck on it wondered what is the deal here obviously it was powerful so I tried one to see why he was a mess great idea right? Well for me it did the same a Ritalin did not keep my son on it he was a emotional wreck but I sought out to get a script of my own. I told the doc straight up I'm normally depressed and can't always focus both statements true, so got the script here iam 7 years later trying it stop. I guess my subconscious has always sought uppers in one way or another even as a very young kid 7 or 8 I sometimes went to the gas station by myself on a bike and bought Jolt cola because it made me feel alert and happier. My question to myself is if I've always sought stimulates since a young child is why? I feel that I must have always lacked something most people have naturally and these drugs caffeine , cocaine, and adderal just put me in a place I should be but I feel it's not really 100% a ADHD problem it's something else and not sure it can ever be resolved without meds. I don't know my brains just fried from a lifetime of recreational drugs and prescription meds like 2pac said , "I gotta head but ain't no screws in it."

[quit-once]

@Luckyducky:  Wow, what a great post you made here.  I absolutely agree with everything you said, although I haven't tried some of those ideas to boost the endorphins like accupuncture.  May I suggest you copy and paste it into its own discussion thread, like in the supplements forum?  I may want to revisit this info from time to time.

 

@ Frank: In some rehab programs, they make you identify your drug of choice and also your secondary drug of choice.  You like the stimulants, as do the rest of us around here.   It is good to be aware of your drug of choice and the reasons you chose to use it.  Too bad that the fucking addiction gets in the way of a lifetime of carefree use.  But a lifetime of addiction is really not a great way to live and it is unsustainable.  The worst moments of my recovery were still better than the uncertainty of a daily addiction to speed.

Plus, you are raising a kid.  No experience with that myself, but I do believe there is no greater calling in life than to be a good parent and you can't be a very good parent and be fully present in the lives of those around you if you are hung up on an addiction.  My dad quit smoking 15 years before I was born after he had smoked for over 20 years.  He was always proud of the fact he kicked that addiction and it was a good example for me to follow, even though I smoked over 30 years before quitting.

 

The time frames for the notable benchmarks in my recovery were like this:

Ten weeks:  I started being able to do a few more things and I joined this web site.  I really didn't even have the confidence that I could write a coherrent post before that.  Up to this point, I was a marshmellow.  I didn't respond to things very well.

Nine months:  I started getting more sustained energy and the depression fog lifted.  But life was still a roller coaster.

One year: things got better and stayed better.  I thought I was mostly recovered at that point, but it just keeps getting better and better with time beyond my addiction and the only way I can see it is to keep looking in the rearview mirror.

Two years: My good mind and memory finally returned!

 

One more thing - you seem to lament your loss of passion and motivation for some of the activities and hobies you did while tweaking - like pinball machine restoration.  As your brain becomes re-wired after adderall, you may or may not have interest in these same things, and you almost certainly won't have the excitement and passion that speed gave you.   In my case, I developed different interests and activities and also kept a few of my old hobies too. 

[Cassie]

I would say you need to give it at least a year to see noticable improvements in your brain. People in AA/NA will tell you this as well. You really need to take a longer view of recovery if you are to succeed. I started to have more physical energy after 4 months which helped a lot. The reason it's so much easier to give up coke than adderall is because you use coke to party, but you use adderall to do important everyday things like work, clean your house, hobbies, etc. The association is so much stronger. This was my experience anyway.

[Frank B]

Damn a year ... Maybe not ready for this commitment I was getting out of hand taking more than I should at the end but maybe just take half my prescribed dose hell I don't know this sucks.

[quit-once]

It won't get any easier the next time you have to quit.  You already have the hardest month behind you with this Quit.  What makes you think you can take it "as prescribed" again, anyway?  Remember, you abused it well into an addiction and that condition is simply not reversable.

[Frank B]

Well guess its hard since it's a drug that makes you have more self motivation rather than same drug that you end up loosing everything from your addiction like crack or whatever. I don't even drink coffee I was but it does nothing at all for me just seems like everything sucks. I got a foreclosed house I bought to flip did all the work on addy by working late into the night now it's up for sale and can't even go do simple shit to make it more welcoming to sell. I remolded my entire house on my meds and I mean everything kitchen bath built a two car garage turned my old garage into a tv room everything I accomplished seems more than ever due to the extra drive I gained from my meds now I'm sitting around all weekend watching tv maybe going out to eat. I have found working out helps but I pushed myself to hard on the weights can't even lift my arms above my head lol. This just sucks I thought the hard part was over but this has been the hardest time when I quit I had motivation to quit now that I'm off I have no motivation to do much of anything. Not trying to get someone to say hey take one but just trying to get things off my chest on here that people can relate too.

[quit-once]

You are making a big mistake when you assume that an adderall addiction is something less serious that alcohol, coke, benzos, or even the opioids like heroin.  Just because they give it to children in small doses doesn't make it less harmful when you abuse it.  I have read plenty of personal tragedies on this web site of folks who lost everything to their adderall addiction.  it seriously fucks up your life the longer you let it go.

[Frank B]

I can't say its safe or I wouldn't want to quit but what I'm fairly sure if I was smoking crack for 7 years I wouldn't have a house, family, and buisness I don't think you can put it on the same playing field. I guess if yor taking 150mg or more a day yes but I'd never go that high but felt it was smart to stop since it does kinda steal your soul and all that which I believe is true takes your personality away but makes you one hell of a worker until you get immune to it and need to higher your dose but did not want to do that made me to edgy now just trying to weather the storm I guess but also kicked smoking just trying to be a better person but it's hard to be good in a world gone to hell.

[JustinW]

Frank, you took the easy way out for 7 years on this medication and now you have to pay the piper.  It sucks but that's the reality of the matter.  At a little over 1 year, I am at about 75 - 80% of my pre-adderall self as far as motivation, problem solving, building (although my building has been interrupted by school lately), etc.  There are still bad days even at 1 year but they don't come as often as they used to.  Your body is healing and even though it is tough, you need to cut yourself some slack and regain your resolve to kick this.  You are going through the worst of it and it will suck for the next little bit; take the relapse option off the table completely.  You can do this!

[Frank B]

I don't even recall my pre -adderall self much to be honest was on it for so long. I punched my mailbox just was mad about whatever two weeks ago it flew off a couple feet was a great right hook. So I taped it back on stayed like that for a week then bought a mailbox it sat in my garage a couple days finally put it back on and did a half ass sloppy job just totally discussed with myself on addy would have bought it the same day got my table saw out cut out a nice base frame and would have looked perfect but now I do something half ass and just looks like work of someone who does not give a fuck. That's not what I want to be and maybe before addy that was me and that's why I liked this drug obviously took it for a reason for 7 years.

[JustinW]

Welcome to the world of haphazard and half done jobs Frank.  I don't have a solution for you, I can only commiserate.  I've got a nice selection of tools going to waste and projects that need to be completed but I just don't have the stamina or desire to do them; the pile up can lead to a shame spiral and that doesn't help anyone.  As ZK said previously, focus on fixing yourself first and then go conquer the world.

[Frank B]

Justin that scares the shit out of me if I can't create with my hands because I can't get the energy and will power without adderall ever that would be like telling a good artist once you stop this meds you can never paint worth a shit again. Wow go back to selling my soul to accomplish what I can or be lazy bum doing the bare minimum with my soul... Either way I'm soulless in my mind one who can't create is a body wasted. I thank you for the brutal honestly life's not fair and that's exactly why I've cheated with adderall he'll look at every politician that cheat and lie and we call them heroes ( ok not all of them but some). This drug pushed me into what I can become and I abused it so now I'm at a loss for the correct thing and if anyone tells me it's ok to be lazy the rest of my life I will just give the fuck up no offense.

[JustinW]

Frank, I hope that I didn't come across as saying that you will be lazy for the rest of your life.  Life is what you make of it and ultimately the choice is up to you whether you sit around and smoke pot all day or decide to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and make a go of it.  It's just going to be more difficult right now because your brain is trying to heal itself.  My point was that you can cut yourself some slack every now and then when things don't work out to your high standards; but still aim high.

 

Don't get me started on politicians...

[quit-once]

Frank, why did you quit in the first place?

Have you not suffered any of the physical side effects of amphetamine abuse?

You might not be old, yet.  But I can assure you that prolonged adderall abuse would add years to your body and the older you get the harder on your body it is to recover. 

Do you really think you could take it to your grave?  Would you want to do that?

[Frank B]

Yeh politicians is not what I want to be associated with just a easy scapegoat. I quit because thought I was pushing it to hard physically no side effects could out run 7th graders at practice I still look 10 years younger than I'am always had a baby face. If I took it to my grave what's it matter your gone it's over anyways why not push yourself while alive who wants to live to be 100 plus my generation will be screwed with SS going obsolete. Again a lot of excuses I know quitting is still my goal but just trying to get some people to push me on here my wife is getting sick of me not doing shit not very supportive since she quit also and doesn't understand but she took half the dosage of me for half amount of time either way it's hard but she just doesn't seem to wanna cut me some slack telling me to get my ass out of bed get over it already and I don't blame her been way too lazy.

[quit-once]

So, you quit solely because you "thought you were pushing it too hard" and it was just something you should do?  

[Luckyducky]

Frank-

When I was in my inpatient program which was also a addiction study program and is tied in with UCLA top doctors...the one thing is the DR/addiction specialist said it takes about 4-6 mths to really feel the difference and start feeling good. They said that is average time for all users. I think if you just hang on 90 more days and reflect back on today you will see a diff. Not that your brain will be completely

Healed but you will feel better. When patients went past 4 mths and still felt just as crappy they usually sent them to a psychiatrist who specialized in addiction because sometimes there are underline issues. Give it time I promise you like we used to say once you quit and go back to using it's never the same! Be good to yourself:)))

[Frank B]

Quit once I've stated a lot of my reasons in the past but bottom line yes I was pushing to hard Id end up taking double my dose to finish projects basically stay up very late or all night then crash the next day usually once a week at least. Part of that reason was because between me and my wife we have 5 kids only one from her is mine and trying to get projects done during the day is damn near impossible plus one is blind and love to have him help but around live electrical wires and dangerous shop tools machines etc very hard to get things done. So I usually waited until a Friday night and just hit my extranal boosters at night and have time all to my own to get shit done. I'm just overwhelmed with the situation and it's my escape I guess but fuck I think I just started to want that alone time too much and adderal helped me get their along with finding more projects but when my day job started to get overlooked I decided to quit cold turkey. Family situations just screwed up but dealing with it best way I can and now stopping this is hitting me hard knowing I can't get that time alone anymore try to talk to my wife but she gets mad when I want time to myself if it's the weekend etc so it's pointless.

[Frank B]

Just FYI technically not married if it was not for having a young child with her Id probably not be with her can't go into details but love my son and even with the imperfect situation he is better here with me and her if not he would be in a bad environment and legally I could not get full custody like I did my first son from his mom. So welcome to my world a fucked up mess.

[SweetCarolinee]

Hey Frank and welcome. I'm not sure if I have spoken to you in any of the chats yet. I was on the meds for 7 years as well and 70-something days clean now.

After reading this convo, you keep comparing yourself to how you were and what you did while on Adderall and if you want to stay clean -- you can't keep doing that. You need to look at Adderall has the devil it is and not as what made you do all these wonderful things. Fuck, I graduated college and started a business on Adderall but I don't ever want to take that shit ever again. And I would have been just as successful, maybe even more without it.

I think that's only natural to be feeling how you do. I'm not gonna lie, I still miss it. Actually I don't miss it, I miss the motivation and the ever lasting energy but I don't miss the depression, anxiety and drinking. Don't let your feelings of missing it get in the way of your quit and recovery. It's not worth it. And you got to stop making excuses to why you should take it. That's not helping!

We're both still in early recovery so we gotta stay on the bright side here and focus on that and healing. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. It's not the end of the world, it's just the beginning.

At the end of the day, you have to want to quit for you or it's probably not going to be successful. And you can look at your quit and this experience as shit or try to make the best of it. I'm learning I'm definitely stronger than I think and thought.

I read one of your posts early about how easy it is to just pop a pill and I have those same thoughts everyday but I don't know, I just refuse to go back to that place because yeah, I got a lot done but it was a dark and depressive time and I no longer want to be a pills bitch. I want to be in control of my mind, body and feelings.

You have probably been using Adderall to have alone time and to escape. A lot of people take Adderall to escape because it really does hide/numb emotions in some and efforts ones view of reality. It can make life like a out of body experience. Adderall will not heal all your problems, it just temporally sweeps them under the rug. I suggest possibly talking to someone to help your situation if your opened it.

 

We're in the same boat and we can totally do this!