Zerokewl

Where would you be if you had not quit?

11 posts in this topic

I was talking to someone they asked where would you be if you had not quit?  Trying to imagine my life if I had continued using.  Would I be still careening towards a disaster or worse?  As hard as this path is  I think its easier than if I continued to use.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Divorced maybe?  Definitely much more damage would have been done to my relationships with my wife and children.

 

We are definitely taking "the [road] less traveled by" and I believe "it [will make] all the difference"

 

http://www.bartleby.com/119/1.html

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dead, if I was lucky. I've met a few people who crossed the line into prolonged psychosis...

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was talking to someone they asked where would you be if you had not quit?  Trying to imagine my life if I had continued using.  Would I be still careening towards a disaster or worse?  As hard as this path is  I think its easier if I continued to use.  

I would still be on the adderall merry-go-round and all the negative stuff that implies or I would be dead from a heart attack. So, yeah, you would still be careening towards a disaster or worse.

 

The obvious truth is that it would be an easier path to use in the short term. But, there will come a day when using is so exhausting and you have forgotten who you are, that quitting or dying will be your only two options. It's called a low bottom. Just how low do you want to go?

 

You always have a choice whether to get back on that old merry-go round again, but the hard road, the high road, is the better choice.... not the easy choice.

6 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a great question.  Wow, thinking about it now and I can see my entire life flashing before my eyes.

 

There was this guy that I was obsessed with back in Texas.  We worked together and had flirted with each other for two years straight.  We hung out a couple times, but just as friends.  This guy was a total raging alcoholic.  He was previously married to a woman who had been addicted to Adderall.  He hated her for it and thought it was disgusting.  He had no idea about my addiction to it too.

 

Anyhow, he finally comes over to see me one night (just so happens to be the last night I was on Adderall) and of course I was a total wreck.  Things got very intense and it was the "start" of us.  However, I ended up going to the emergency room the next day and then our relationship totally changed from that point forward. We hung out a few other times when I relapsed (on alcohol/pot only), but the whole situation was a nightmare.  I saw a glimpse into my future with him and saw what looked a 1,000 times worse than the last relationship I had.  I knew I could've traveled down that road again. I could have gone back to being a full fledged addict right by his side and waste another 5 years of my life.  We would be hammered 24/7 and once again I'd be caught up in a relationship with someone who wasn't even emotionally available, treated me like crap, and for the most part not even capable of loving another person because he was so jacked up. It would just be another toxic relationship that would blow up smoke eventually. 

 

Anyhow, thank God that didn't happen. If I wouldn't have gone to the emergency room the next day everything would be different right now.  I'd still be on Adderall and drinking.  Amazing how one event can change the course of your life. Thank God I'm sober and I'm 3.4 years clean from Adderall.  Earlier tonight I had a flashback and it scared the living shit out of me.  I shared my personal story with someone today of the incident when I overdosed and went into psychosis.  Just talking about it all brought all the memories back and I suddenly started imagining what it would be like to be in that spot again. I started thinking about if I had a bottle in front of me and if I'd taken a pill...I'd be staring at the clock counting down the minutes until it kicked in and then I'd be sweating my ass off and running around my apartment like a crazy person cleaning. And then I'd be smoking and drinking later.  See just thinking about this really TRIPS me out because I was FREAKING CRAZY ADDICTED TO THAT SHIT.  And yes my brain started craving it and it sounded so good again.  So it scares me, but I know I won't go back on it and it was just a stupid euphoric recall moment. 

 

Anyhow, thank GOD I am so far removed from that trap.  My brain has healed.  I don't ever feel like that unless I really put thought and effort into it.  I may not be where I want to be in life just yet, but at least I know I'm headed in the right direction.  Backwards is definitely not the answer.

 

I'm just struggling right now because I'm having a hard time forcing myself to go out and connect with people.  It's like I moved 1200 miles across country and I'm waiting for someone to knock on my door and say, "here is your new life."  Ever since I started working from home I've totally isolated myself because quite honestly I feel like I don't know what to do with myself.  Where has my motivation gone I ask myself.  I don't know.  I really wish a little angel would just show up on my doorstep and ignite me on fire with motivation.  :) Wishful thinking I know. 

 

Life is GOOD today though.  I am blessed to be at home by my family, old friends, have a good paying job that I actually kind of like on most days, I'm healthy, sober, have a roof over my head, debt free, and the entire world of opportunity is waiting ahead.  At this point, it's just up to me to determine what to do next.  That's really not so bad.  I have zero problems in my life when I look at it in this manner.  I have absolutely no reason to complain.   I'm going to start taking ACTION tomorrow.  This is my commitment.  I'm making it official!  I'll follow up!

 

Love you guys!

6 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would be in one or more of the following places:

In Poverty (broke)

In Jail

In Psychosis

In poor health and still smoking and using benzos

In a coffin

or, the worst place of all:  ADDERALL HELL

5 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would probably on the refill roller coaster. Scoring pills from my buddy to fill the gap.  Heading further into  psychosis,crazy anger and more and more isolated.   The side effects would be worse and I would be upping my dosages.  I would be stuck in a dangerous cycle. 

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That is such a good question. At the very best I would be in a cycle of in and out of rehab...outpatient therapy and in an assisted living housing community..

 

I would either be in psychosis locked in a psychiatric ward or...dead from suicide? because eventually I would not have been able to live like that.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would've ended up in some kind of psychosis or in jail is my best guess . The dealer I used to buy so much from got busted like a year ago. I have a feeling I would've gone down with her.

I don't think death would've been so far-fetched either. After reading through these posts, it's unreal that we still even think of adderall....the power of addiction is terrifying! I'm soooo grateful to be out of that place....good topic to remind us what our alternative would be, zerokewl.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would be desperately depressed and stuck. Fifteen months ago I started a new job, 3 days before quitting adderall for good. Picturing myself doing this job on adderall is a nightmare. Can you imagine working remotely full time on adderall? It's like an adderallic dream - make lists and do projects all day with no distractions! - that would quickly turn soooo nightmarish with no one to pull you out of your hyperfocusing thought tunnels, ever.

 

I would probably not be married. My now-husband who was my then-boyfriend probably would have gotten sick of putting up with my crashes and crazy mood swings. 

 

Flabby-skinny and surviving on wine and burritos instead of training for a half marathon.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now