Popular Post ChrisJL Posted March 20, 2014 Popular Post Report Share Posted March 20, 2014 My unhealthy relationship with Adderall began as innocently as many of yours did when my friend gave me a little orange pill to help me study one day. I remember walking into my college class a few hours later, feeling assertive and confident. I was actively participating in the discussion, answering questions, and getting laughs from classmates. I loved it. I contacted that same friend a few days later to get some more and sure enough he obliged me. It was magic. I remember sitting down and cranking out an entire paper one night, and afterwards, when I asked my father to proofread it, he said, "Chris, this is one of the best things you've ever written, I'm really proud of you." Later, my mother expressed similar feelings of pride; telling me how "responsible" and "self-disciplined" I was. Though it took a long time for my issue with Adderall to develop into what it is now, I really think that was the beginning of the end. My parents' unknowing endorsement solidified what I already knew: On Adderall, I am awesome. For the next couple months I purchased it occasionally, until eventually I became fed up with the struggle of finding it and decided to get a prescription of my own. After a twenty minute appointment with the doctor, I had a big smile on my face and my very own prescription for thirty 20mg pills each month. That was about 3 years ago. Since then I've truly lost all balance in my life. Originally I started taking it only on days when I had "a lot to do". My definition of "a lot to do" became less and less strict over time, and soon I began taking Adderall several times a week to complete even the simplest tasks. The house was clean and my grades were better than ever though, so who could complain? Now my life is at the point where I need to take a pill to accomplish anything. If I haven't taken it, I will often lie in bed all day and sleep. If I have to work that day, I will show up, do the bare minimum, and go back home to sleep as soon as possible. I've played guitar for around 10 years now and used to absolutely love taking Adderall and practicing in my room all day. Now I can't even pick the guitar up for more than a few minutes if I haven't taken anything. I also began taking Adderall to go out at night because it made me more social. I found that I would take it and then suddenly I'd be making friends, meeting women, and just generally being the life of the party. Now I only go out in public anymore when I'm on it. I won't even go and meet with my close friends unless I've taken some. I meet so many people and generally try to be a friend to all, but it's hard to let people get close because they don't know the real me, only the me they've met on Adderall. For me that's what makes it so hard to quit. I'm scared to find out that people won't like the real Chris as much as the Chris on Adderall - and to be honest I wouldn't blame them at all. I am, objectively speaking, a much more pleasant person to be around when I'm on it. The withdrawals leave me so tired, I have no energy to make the effort otherwise. Recently though, I've decided that I'm sick of it. I'm tired of living my life as someone who isn't me. Maybe I won't be the person everybody wants me to be, but I physically and mentally cannot play this role anymore. It has left me malnourished, exhausted, and unhappy. When I stumbled upon this site I nearly started to cry just reading the articles, because it was like somebody had written down all the things I had been thinking and feeling over the last few years verbatim. I think that was also hard because it was the moment I realized that I had a substance abuse issue, and I never expected that. I'm currently in the last month and a half of my final college semester, after which I plan on immediately flushing all these little orange pills down the toilet. I am looking into therapy as well, not only for my substance abuse problem, but also for the issues that have led me to it. I've neglected my body tremendously over the past 3 years so I'm also planning on beginning a strength training and healthful eating program. Quitting Adderall is something I think about every day. I have never looked forward to something in my life so much yet been so terrified of it at the same time. I have enjoyed reading all your stories and found them inspirational - I hope to stay in touch with this community during my own journey and will look for your support. Chris 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krax Posted March 20, 2014 Report Share Posted March 20, 2014 Ask you dr about Wellbutrin, that got me through my first four months clean 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CasualLooseCannon Posted March 20, 2014 Report Share Posted March 20, 2014 It's crazy, the first story I looked at on this website was yours, and it's literally a mirror image of my situation. The way you started out, the progression it's taken in college, the duration, the relationship adversities, and everything else. I feel you man. I'm fighting it everyday. That "artificial" self can only do so much for one's soul before it breaks it down. Things that I used to absolutely love to do, before I started taking Adderall, and during, are now insanely hard for me to be passionate about yet alone even partake in them when I'm not taking the drug. They've been over-justified, and the process of reigniting that love is hard to do without Adderall as your fuel. If I could give you one piece of advice (not saying that you need it) though, make sure to tell your doctor that you can't be on it anymore - period. Every time I try to drop this habit, there's a voice inside that tells me to get it refilled. Sometimes the voice is so overwhelming that it consumes and overrides the deepest desire to be truly done with the devil's energy bar. I find that running/exercise is the best cure in softening that voice. Good luck Chris, never forget who your true essence. You are not alone my friend. Nate 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brandy76 Posted March 20, 2014 Report Share Posted March 20, 2014 Wow Chris your post had me riveted; I could relate to everything in it. It's weird how things go downhill so quickly; like when you said you only took it if you had "a lot to do" but then the most menial things to an an adderral mind seems like "a lot to do".... It does have a honeymoon phase when you first start; you're happy, doing good in school or enjoying a job you never did, but then (like you said) you stop doing the things you loved doing like practicing guitar....and you find yourself just sitting at home alone engulfed in some random task wasting time. I love this site and find it amazing how all experience are the same. I've been on it 2 years and recently stopped taking it on the weekends which leaves me laying in my bed all day eating and sleeping with no energy to do anything. You say you will stop once school is over; i hope that's true. But after reading this site and experiencing it myself the adderall has a way of making those excuses for you like "I'll stop when....i'm on vacation, when I move, after my wedding" There's always something... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marissa Posted March 20, 2014 Report Share Posted March 20, 2014 Chris I really liked reading your story. I feel like I can relate too in so many ways, you articulated a lot of what I've been feeling as well. I have the same plan as you, final months of the last college semester, quitting as soon as I hand in the last piece of work. I think you can do it, I think you'll be happy you did. Everyday Adderall seems more and more like a pointless drug, and the stories that people share on this site only confirm that feeling. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted March 20, 2014 Report Share Posted March 20, 2014 Welcome to the board and thank-you for sharing your story. Take some time and read the articles on the site and review old posts. The first few months can be a little rocky so prepare for some crash time. Getting off these things is difficult but extremely rewarding. Quitting after school is done is a solid plan. Keep posting here we have all been through it and few understand the subtle nature of this trap the way we do. Talk to your doctor before going cold turkey. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisJL Posted March 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2014 Ask you dr about Wellbutrin, that got me through my first four months clean Thanks for the recommendation - it's something I've thought about but I am hesitant to put another drug in my system at this point. It's crazy, the first story I looked at on this website was yours, and it's literally a mirror image of my situation. The way you started out, the progression it's taken in college, the duration, the relationship adversities, and everything else. I feel you man. I'm fighting it everyday. That "artificial" self can only do so much for one's soul before it breaks it down. Things that I used to absolutely love to do, before I started taking Adderall, and during, are now insanely hard for me to be passionate about yet alone even partake in them when I'm not taking the drug. They've been over-justified, and the process of reigniting that love is hard to do without Adderall as your fuel. If I could give you one piece of advice (not saying that you need it) though, make sure to tell your doctor that you can't be on it anymore - period. Every time I try to drop this habit, there's a voice inside that tells me to get it refilled. Sometimes the voice is so overwhelming that it consumes and overrides the deepest desire to be truly done with the devil's energy bar. I find that running/exercise is the best cure in softening that voice. Good luck Chris, never forget who your true essence. You are not alone my friend. Nate Nate I totally hear you man. It's comforting to know that there are others out there feeling the same things. I'll take your advice on cancelling the prescription. If I'm really serious about quitting then there's no reason not to. I wish you luck on your journey and appreciate your support. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisJL Posted March 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2014 Wow Chris your post had me riveted; I could relate to everything in it. It's weird how things go downhill so quickly; like when you said you only took it if you had "a lot to do" but then the most menial things to an an adderral mind seems like "a lot to do".... It does have a honeymoon phase when you first start; you're happy, doing good in school or enjoying a job you never did, but then (like you said) you stop doing the things you loved doing like practicing guitar....and you find yourself just sitting at home alone engulfed in some random task wasting time. I love this site and find it amazing how all experience are the same. I've been on it 2 years and recently stopped taking it on the weekends which leaves me laying in my bed all day eating and sleeping with no energy to do anything. You say you will stop once school is over; i hope that's true. But after reading this site and experiencing it myself the adderall has a way of making those excuses for you like "I'll stop when....i'm on vacation, when I move, after my wedding" There's always something... Yeah the honeymoon phase is sublime, isn't it? It's just that the progression from that into dysfunctional relationship is so slow and gradual that it can sneak right up on you. By the time it has its claws in you it's too late. To be honest with you Brandy, I would love to quit right now. It's frustrating because I am ready to change but cannot do so yet. The fatigue from withdrawals coupled with the fact that I have relied on a pill as the source of my self-discipline for the last 3 years means there's no way I could keep up with my extremely heavy course load at the moment. I've come this far, and while it's not optimal, I need it to finish out this last semester. And you're right about this being a wonderful site. I never imagined that I could relate directly to so many people; that so many people have shared the same feelings that I do. I want to thank you and everyone else here for your words of encouragement. You guys are amazing and I wish you luck on your own journeys away from this drug. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beback17 Posted March 20, 2014 Report Share Posted March 20, 2014 It's always nice to hear stories like this. I wish you the best. I only took this medication for a little under a month and it is terrible and no joke - sucked the life right out of me in a very short period of time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted March 21, 2014 Report Share Posted March 21, 2014 Chris, Welcome to the site! We are glad to have you. My addiction to Adderall started off somewhat innocently enough. My bf at the time used to tell me to save my pills for weekend partying purposes only. I would wait and pop my first pill every Friday morning at work. My co-workers started nick naming it, "Fun Friday" because I would become the life of the party and we would sit around talking non-stop and telling jokes while working. Then we'd go out afterwards and party. Anyhow, it finally dawned on me how super productive I was on those Friday's so I started taking a pill here and there just like you did to get things done. Slowly, it became such an ingrained habit, that I was taking them all day everyday so I could "function". But more than anything, I loved chasing the high. It was a constant roller coaster ride. And over time I just needed more and more to get the same effect. I was beating the crap out of my buddy with that stuff and I never ever thought I'd be able to give it up. But eventually I did and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Last night we posted about where we'd be right now had we not quit and it was such a great reminder to see that life is really good today. It could be so much worse had I stayed on the path of oblivion. It's definitely the hardest thing I ever gave up, but I thank god for this website because without it and everyone's encouragement I don't know if I'd still be clean today. My best advice is stay close to this board and draw support from the people here. Whenever I feel like I miss it and wish I were back on it again, I come here and read stories from all the newbies or people still struggling. It is the best reminder I have of what it was like and why I don't want to ever go back to that trap. You can get your life back! You can do this and know we are all on your side rooting for you. Take care my friend! Hugs! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted March 21, 2014 Report Share Posted March 21, 2014 To be honest with you Brandy, I would love to quit right now. It's frustrating because I am ready to change but cannot do so yet. The fatigue from withdrawals coupled with the fact that I have relied on a pill as the source of my self-discipline for the last 3 years means there's no way I could keep up with my extremely heavy course load at the moment. I've come this far, and while it's not optimal, I need it to finish out this last semester. I was in this place exactly three years ago. Although it is a special kind of Adderall hell, I believe it was necessary for me to come to this point in order to successfully quit and stay quit. I truly prayed that my body and mind would hold up until I could finally quit. I had some work issues, life issues, and some Adderall-induced beliefs that prevented me from quitting sooner. I was in this hell for about two years before quitting, although the last few months were really tough. I had quit in my mind and was ready to be done with my addiction, but the physical addiction and fear of withdrawal kept me chained to those fucking pills. I have never wanted anything more in my life than a successful Quit. I think you have a rock-solid plan for quitting, Chris. Quit when you have the time and flexibility to make your recovery the #1 priority in your life. LilTex, my Adderall story started like yours did. First took it whenever friends would share, then on every Saturday "to get things done", then "just on the weekends" which grew into 3 and 4 day binges and finally into a daily habit for my last two years of Adderall. As long as I had a full three days off, the high came back every weekend. But eventually the three day withdrawal made me almost entirely dysfunctional during the week and I succumbed to the daily habit. I have never felt more grounded and emotionally stable that I have in the years since quitting the pills and cigs. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisJL Posted March 22, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2014 I was in this place exactly three years ago. Although it is a special kind of Adderall hell, I believe it was necessary for me to come to this point in order to successfully quit and stay quit. I truly prayed that my body and mind would hold up until I could finally quit. I had some work issues, life issues, and some Adderall-induced beliefs that prevented me from quitting sooner. I was in this hell for about two years before quitting, although the last few months were really tough. I had quit in my mind and was ready to be done with my addiction, but the physical addiction and fear of withdrawal kept me chained to those fucking pills. I have never wanted anything more in my life than a successful Quit. I think you have a rock-solid plan for quitting, Chris. Quit when you have the time and flexibility to make your recovery the #1 priority in your life. LilTex, my Adderall story started like yours did. First took it whenever friends would share, then on every Saturday "to get things done", then "just on the weekends" which grew into 3 and 4 day binges and finally into a daily habit for my last two years of Adderall. As long as I had a full three days off, the high came back every weekend. But eventually the three day withdrawal made me almost entirely dysfunctional during the week and I succumbed to the daily habit. I have never felt more grounded and emotionally stable that I have in the years since quitting the pills and cigs. Dude your situation is a mirror image of mine. This last semester has been so stressful and my workload is heavier than ever before, so much so that I'm I've gone from 2-3 day intermittent use to nearly every day now. Taking it that frequently weighs on me so heavily though, both physically and mentally, and so like your experience, I am just trying my best to stay centered and pray that I can make it through this final stretch without falling apart. Thank you for your words of wisdom, I hope I can be as strong as you were. Chris, Welcome to the site! We are glad to have you. My addiction to Adderall started off somewhat innocently enough. My bf at the time used to tell me to save my pills for weekend partying purposes only. I would wait and pop my first pill every Friday morning at work. My co-workers started nick naming it, "Fun Friday" because I would become the life of the party and we would sit around talking non-stop and telling jokes while working. Then we'd go out afterwards and party. Anyhow, it finally dawned on me how super productive I was on those Friday's so I started taking a pill here and there just like you did to get things done. Slowly, it became such an ingrained habit, that I was taking them all day everyday so I could "function". But more than anything, I loved chasing the high. It was a constant roller coaster ride. And over time I just needed more and more to get the same effect. I was beating the crap out of my buddy with that stuff and I never ever thought I'd be able to give it up. But eventually I did and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Last night we posted about where we'd be right now had we not quit and it was such a great reminder to see that life is really good today. It could be so much worse had I stayed on the path of oblivion. It's definitely the hardest thing I ever gave up, but I thank god for this website because without it and everyone's encouragement I don't know if I'd still be clean today. My best advice is stay close to this board and draw support from the people here. Whenever I feel like I miss it and wish I were back on it again, I come here and read stories from all the newbies or people still struggling. It is the best reminder I have of what it was like and why I don't want to ever go back to that trap. You can get your life back! You can do this and know we are all on your side rooting for you. Take care my friend! Hugs! Like you, I too find myself chasing the high. It feels great when you're riding it, doesn't it? You feel like you're at the top of your game, no brain fog, total confidence, and rushes of euphoria. I'd be lying if I said I didn't look forward to it when I take my first pill of the day, because I know it means that it'll be a "good" day and that I'll actually be functional. The high is never worth the lows though, and I mean that in more than one way. The first being the actual comedown. You're just lying in bed tossing and turning all night with this unspent energy and focus, and then to compensate for the lack of sleep you're forced to do it all over again in the morning. It's truly a shitty, predatory cycle. The other low in my mind centers around the bigger picture: The low of being in a constant state of arrested development and not actually building any skills; just relying on a pill to find your "good" qualities. I think there's something to be said for persevering through hard times and growing through it, but I'm not even doing that, just popping pills to handle the day to day BS. I will undoubtedly be taking your advice and am sure I'll rely heavily on this community for support once I finally quit. I am still amazed how we all come from such different walks of life but still share these similar experiences. Adderall is some seriously nasty shit. I don't know if I'd have had the same academic/work success that came with Adderall, but at least I'd have some real skills instead of a substance abuse problem. I appreciate your encouragement and am looking forward to getting to know everybody here. You guys rock. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brandy76 Posted March 23, 2014 Report Share Posted March 23, 2014 I was in this place exactly three years ago. Although it is a special kind of Adderall hell, I believe it was necessary for me to come to this point in order to successfully quit and stay quit. I truly prayed that my body and mind would hold up until I could finally quit. I had some work issues, life issues, and some Adderall-induced beliefs that prevented me from quitting sooner. I was in this hell for about two years before quitting, although the last few months were really tough. I had quit in my mind and was ready to be done with my addiction, but the physical addiction and fear of withdrawal kept me chained to those fucking pills. I have never wanted anything more in my life than a successful Quit. I think you have a rock-solid plan for quitting, Chris. Quit when you have the time and flexibility to make your recovery the #1 priority in your life. . I so understand whn you say adderall induced beliefs of not quitting. I was supposed to quit last September. I started using adderall for the weight loss part since I compete in pageants. September of last year was my last pageant of the year but of course my mind said I can't quit because there's such n such event where I still have to look skinny. Now I'm back in the spring with pageant season starting back up. And there's some nights I say to myself "how am I gonna make it thru this season" with this much mental turmoil going on Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_j3ss__ Posted April 12, 2014 Report Share Posted April 12, 2014 Chris, this is exactly how I felt 4 months ago when I stumbled across this website. Things happen for a reason. Please, quit now. I was addicted to adderall because of college also. But, its not worth it. Stop letting a stupid little pill destroy the person that you are. What would you rather have: one day full of accomplishments in college that will be insignificant in a few years? or one day full of genuine happiness? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigBeezy Posted April 28, 2014 Report Share Posted April 28, 2014 Crazy true. My experience is very similar to yours. I have been taking for 6 years tho. Pretty much everything you wrote of is dead on. Good luck quitting once school is done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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