BigBeezy

My Adderall use/abuse experience over the past 6 years.

19 posts in this topic

Hey all,

 

This is my first post here.  I want to tell the story of my life over the last 6 years, how my life is now, and where I want to take it from this point.  I have changed as a person since that first orange pill and I do not like what I have become.  I hope I can find support here in order to get my old self back... the funny, caring, sociable, witty, kind, and sensitive person I used to be.

 

 

Here it goes:

 

I started taking Adderall IR back in my sophmore year of college because I was having trouble with my courses.  I am a bright person and was in gifted classes as a child.  I was simply not able to stay interested in my homework and studying long enough to get it done.  I saw a psych and got a script for 20mg, once daily.  Over the first 6mo of taking it only for school and study, my grades went from B-/C to A's.  I was so pleased with this change and felt great about making the choice to take Adderall.  

 

Because I was now so successful in school, I began to feel confident in my everyday life, while not on the medication.  I met a wonderful girl and we began a relationship.  We moved in together after 6mo, and since January of this year, we have been engaged to marry in March 2015.  I made her aware of my Adderall prescription early on, and she had no opinions about it so all was good.

 

Over the first 6 months of taking Adderall for school, I would have extra pills left over and occasionally gave them to friends I would study with, etc.  At about that time, I began to need more of the meds to get the task done and would start running out before next months refill.  My doctor agreed to double my script to 60 tablets of 20mg.  I was back in control now with the additional supply.  I gave the extras to my study buddies, and even shared them with my girlfriend for her to study on.  

 

A year into my prescription, I started to take the medication for non school things like cleaning the house, getting things done at work, staying up late drinking with my friends(since alcohol makes me tired). Once in a while turned into a few days a week very quickly.  I was getting spoiled by the superhuman ability to get things done while on adderall.  I found myself taking 40,60,sometimes 90mg a day when i used.  At this point it was not an everyday thing and i did not "crave" the drug, I just would take when I needed to get something completed.  My sleep began to suffer, so my doc wrote me a script for Klonopin to help me sleep.  I wasn't suffering from any side effects at this time.  I strategically planned out the timing of my meals, etc so that I wouldn't lose weight.  Looking back, I think this would be the time where I was beginning to plan my days and weeks around Adderall.

 

in 2009, I graduated from College with a BS in Finance with Personal Investments focus.  I now had no homework and thought about stopping my script. I did not stop it however, because I had been giving them to my girlfriend/fiance for a while for her studies and I wanted her to succeed like I had.  I started taking the adderall when she did and would surf the net or clean the house, etc. I got hired by a big name investments firm 3mo after graduating and relied on my Adderall to get me thru the several licensing exams i had to complete.

 

Every thing was fine during 2010, I was working and the GF and I would take Adderall.  We never took it to the point where I would run out of pills early, but it was close.  I would often have to ration them out.  

 

During 2011, our tolerances had grown and 60 20mg's per month were no longer adequate.  My doc would not increase my dose.  We would start taking a larger dose at one sitting, but compensated by not taking it as many days of the week.  I found that I was starting to get lazy on non Adderall days... low motivation, very unfocused, sometimes a but crabby.  I would save up things to do and knock them out over an 8 hour 90mg Adderall session. The same applied for my girlfriend, who had progressed to using not just for school.

 

By the end of 2011, we found that Adderall was dictating our lives to a noticeable extent.  We would buy some off friends when we ran out.  This made me uncomfortable but I justified it with some sort of Adderall induced made up excuse or rationale.  Over the next year, we continued to build tolerance and by 2012, I could handle 120mg a day and her 60-90.  

 

When I took Adderall during work, I turned into a supermachine.  I was a top performer in my firm and was getting recognized and promoted.  I would go to my interviews on Adderall which, looking back, prob got me the promotions.  The success was not really me though, it was the Adderall.  My boss's expectations of me were based on the levels of work I did on Adderall so I began to feel like a fraud.  I would run out of my meds a week or more early, and had to buy from others to keep up the work performance.  If I couldn't get some for a period of time, I would tell my boss I wasn't feeling well, blame things like bad luck, or simply call out sick.  I was losing my motivation without adderall.  

 

After doing this routine for a year, I began to notice a lot of changes in my personality that had surfaced over the past few years.  I was now anti-social....which was not how I was before Adderall.  I had low interest in hanging with friends/family and would make up excuses as to why I didn't want to see them.  I was taking so much adderall(120-140mg daily) that i was often fatigued.  The day after a long adderall binge, I did not want to do anything or see anyone.  My brain felt like mush and I physically felt like crap in general.  I went out of my way to drink ensure shakes and eat healthy to help offset this.  My sense of humor had all but vanished while on or off adderall.  I stopped doing previously enjoyable activities like watching movies or listening to music, etc because those things weren't Adderall mindset tasks that I could satisfy myself by completing.  

 

Over the past 6 months, things have gotten to their lowest point.  I am on written warning for work absence.  I will take adderall too late in the day or too much and not be able to work the next day.  Or I will be out of Adderall and not want to go to work because a workday without it sucks.  This is hurting my performance on the job and I have not had a promotion in the past year.  My life revolves around the drug, or the lack of it.  When I get my monthly refill, my fiance and I go thru all 60 pills in about a week and then spend A LOT of money on Adderall from others to barely get us to next month.  We often fall several days short and during that gap, our house turns into a mess, nothing productive gets done, and I find my ADD gets out of control.  I will have a constant feeling of frustration because I don't have any Adderall and my extreme ADD behaviors often piss off my fiance.  My fiance feels the same way and we fight more because we are grouchy over no adderall supply.  We are not as close as we used to be because our common interest is adderall, which makes us self absorbed when we dose.  So in effect, the Adderall is making us more distant.  I have lost many of my friends because they got tired of being shot down when they invite me to do things. 

 

 

Here are the awful personality changes I have caused myself. I feel this way on and off adderall, with my longest off period being about 6 days.....

 

I am unable to feel many emotions anymore.  I feel like a shell of a person and most of my interactions with others seem like I'm just running thru the motions and feel fake.  Everything in life has become task oriented and very serious.  I look at everything thru a lens of what needs to be done and what is the fastest & most efficient way to do it.  I have blinders on and miss the details of everyday life.  I neglect my dogs sometimes because Im so self centered now.  My memory sucks now and I often cannot remember important things that people tell me.  I have these tics that I picked up from Adderall use.  I hate the tics and others are annoyed by them as well.  I have developed a panic disorder.  I never had panic attacks until about a year ago.  They are horrible and I thought I was having a heart attack the first time it happened,  My fiance called 911, and I went to hospital in the ambulance, and spent 3 days there.  They did every possible test related to my brain and cardio system and luckily found out that I am completely healthy. I was surprised that after this much Adderall abuse, my heart was in perfect shape. My Fiance hasn't abused as much or as long so she is prob fine, although her personality has changed like mine has.  Also, we found ourselves not getting many important tasks accomplished on Adderall. I will get a wild hair and work on some pointless project for 5 straight hours which will end up being a total waste.  The task was just something to stay busy with.  

 

I think that we are hooked on this medication because life feels boring without it and the tasks we do on the drug satisfy some awful adderall developed need/desire.  We have essentially forgotten how to live our lives.  I feel like I have to take the drug to do anything....... including social events, work, chores, even days alone at home.  I hate the drug but I keep taking it.   

 

 

My fiance and I decided a couple weeks ago that we wanted to stop using Adderall. We made it 6 days before giving in to the temptation.  I dug out my script from the kitchen drawer and had it filled.  We proceeded to go thru all the pills in 5 days.  That's 240mg per day between the two of us.  I usually take 25% more than her, and I actually took about 180mg yesterday!  Of course today I feel like complete shit because I went full throttle for the past 5 days, but also becaue I disappointed I failed my plan to stop. I have no more pills left, but I have several easy connections.  I deleted their numbers and asked them not to sell me any if I ask, but I had done that before and it didn't work.  If I want to get Adderall, I will make it happen.

 

 

I am worried that I wont be able to stop before things get even worse.  I am also concerned that my emotions are going to be stuck in a vacant state forever.  I want my old self back.  I want to laugh, love, and live.  I want to be normal again. Today is day one of another attempt at quitting, and I worry it could become another fail. 

 

 

Please share any thoughts, ideas, words of encouragement, etc with me.  I really want this.      

 

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I have looked over the "5 Signs You Want to Quit" list, and I def have all 5.  Also, On the "8 Stages of Amphetamine Use/Abuse" article, I feel I am at stage 6 or maybe close to 7.  

Hope this helps to understand me better,

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BigBeezy,

 

I have a very similar story. I can tell you it doesn't get better on its own. In my experience, it gets much worse. Now is the time to recognize how serious this problem is and do whatever it takes to get better.

 

I'm now over a year clean and happier than I've ever been. It's been a long, difficult road, but getting off Adderall is the best thing that's ever happened to me. And if I can do it, so can you.

 

DM me and I'll give you my e-mail so we can talk more.

 

Stay safe.

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Welcome to the board.  Take some time and read all the articles and some old posts, It is totally possible to live adderall free.  It takes a bit of time and some hard work. But it can be overcome. There is hope you and your girlfriend can do it.  

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She is on board with quitting. It took a while for is to admit to each other it was a problem, got to the point where it was the elephant in the room. I think the first step I need to take is to call my Dr I've been seeing for 6 years and tell her I do not want to take it anymore and that she should not prescribe it to me since I may abuse it. That should get me cut off thru her. I've said to myself a few times "hey I just won't go to the appt." I always end up going. I will check out the articles and resources on this site. Seems to be a wealth of info avail.

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Quitting Adderall is a mindfuck.  Plan your quit prepare for the intial crash. It will take some time to recalibrate your brain chemisty.  Post here often or just check in.  Cutting off your supplier is a huge committed step. You clearly mean business and are not gonna be this drugs bitch for much longer.

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Yes. I am ready to stop for good. The first few days will be the easiest. The challenges will prob show themselves a week from now when I actually have to get things done on my own willpower.

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Congratulations on your decision to quit.  You are very wise in realizing that week 1 is the easy part; week 2 and beyond are the issue.  Welcome aboard.

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BigBeezy,

 

Thank you for sharing your story with us and welcome to the site!  I think it is AWESOME your motivation is so high to quit.  It sounds like you are ready.  Your story sounds so much like all of ours and I think it sometimes takes getting to this awful end stage to realize this is no longer a life you want for yourself.  I understand what you mean when you say you don't recognize who you've become anymore.  At the end of my addiction, I felt the same way. I felt like a monster that lived, breathed, and died for more Adderall.  The only things that truly mattered to me were getting my chores/work/task done and then knocking down doors and turning up every rug possible to find more Adderall.  Without it, I felt like a worthless sack of crap.  I felt incompetent and scared to death I'd never be able to achieve anything again without it.  Luckily, that was just my addiction talking and it wasn't true!

 

Just know that you can find yourself again.  You can recover and get your real self back.  Who's to say what your recovery will look like.  Maybe you will be so done with these pills, it will be easier than you anticipated. You don't know and each of us has a different story.  I am so proud of myself and grateful I am clean today.  I do know that.  It's not always easy, but it is a battle worth fighting for and it absolutely gets easier with time.   Just stay close to the people here and we will help support you along this journey.  Hopefully, your fiancé is serious about wanting to quit too.  That could potentially cause an issue if she is not ready.  You have the rest of your lives ahead of you and this is a serious addiction.  I will pray for you both and wish you best.  Just never ever ever give up!

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She is wanting this too. It hasn't effected her life directly like mine, but she indirectly has to suffer the consequences of my abuse. We know it's something that has to be done by us both and she is all about it so that she can have the old me back.

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How are you doing BigBeezy?  How's the quit going?

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Still going! It's been a pain in the ass tho. Having to force myself to go to work get things some around the house etc. A day at a time.

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But you're doing it!!!  Yes, just keep fighting my friend!

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How's it going friend? I'm currently trying to quit..similar situation to you.  I hope you are doing okay!  Your story almost brought a tear to my eye as it was sooo similar to my journey with adderall.  Please let me know how it goes if you do tell your doctor.  I am thinking about doing the same thing.  Unfortunately, Im in nursing school and scared to death of trying to get through it without the "study drug" that I've been using for years and all through undergrad.  I also want to talk to my doctor but am afraid it might hurt my chances of getting a job in the medical field.  Good luck to you and stay strong!!!

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Update. I am on day 16 of the 30 day challenge. Life has gotten much easier the past 2-3 days. I've over some the worst of it and feeling really good. Thanks for the support.

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I did tell my dr not to prescribe adderall or klonopin anymore because I felt like I was abusing. She understands and told me she will not write me any more scripts. Cutting off my supply was a big step.

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