shadowp1ay

Tonight I made the decision to quit Adderall once and for all

17 posts in this topic

Just joined the site and wanted to make my first post. 

 

Got my script refilled on Tuesday and by Thursday I was already taking 120mg's of addy, and went from my normal, happy go lucky self, to a complete zombie at work where I would just sit at my desk and be "in the zone" and just act like a stuttering robot to anyone I talked too.

 

I don't want to ramble on, but I still have half of my script left and I've decided that I am done with it. I don't want to go through the misery of having to plan on out when I will take my last pill so I can time the withdrawl and not have it affect my work/social life.

 

I have decided to quit this amazingly addictive drug on my own terms.

 

I am going to stay at a hotel for the weekend and go through my withdrawl with no one bothering me and will emerge from the hotel on Sunday adderall free.

 

Love this site and love reading everyone's stories of success!

 

-Chuck

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CONGRATULATIONS!

Reading your post just made that full moon a little brighter tonight.

Great approach to quitting.  Welcome to our community.

GOOD LUCK, CHUCK!

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Jump off the cliff build your wings on the way down. Thats the way it is done. Stay close to this community for at least the next few weeks.  Read and educate your self as much as possible.

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Well, only took me 24 hours until I reasoned with myself that I needed to take a 30xr in order to function and be productive on sunday. That followed up with 3 more 30xr's over the course of the day and then 4 more on Monday and 3 more today and now my script is almost gone and I am going through that panic of what will happen to me when I run out. 

 

This is my main reason for wanted to stop. The up and down rollercoaster of being high and then scrambling to get more to keep the high going is just fucking exhausting. All my thoughts are consumed with "how can I get more adderall" and "should I take one more pill?" It's also extremely expensive and has become an extremely expensive habit.

 

The saddest part is instead of doing normal things like hanging out with friends, walking the my dog, going on dates, or reading a book, I just spend my time on the computer reading article after article on pointless things. Or I play my guitar for 3 hours straight, which is amazing and productive in that area, but then I never want to pick it up unless I am high on addy.

 

I almost feel like I take as much adderall as I can so I can just be done with the constant back and forth thinking of how to ration out my pills.

 

I need to just cut myself off from my current psychiatrist so I have no option of getting another prescription.

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Cutting off your supply by contacting your doctor is a very committed step. Take some time to read the articles on this site you need to wrap your head around the fact that adderall does not make you smarter or more productive.

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When you end it with adderall, you'll never have to worry about running out of adderall again. One of the best things about quitting is that feeling of freedom from that problem.

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post-6836-0-28877600-1405296437_thumb.jpQuick update on my progress.

 

After my short relapse I went a couple days of not taking addy and felt pretty good, but as soon as I started feeling good and normal again, it popped in my head "maybe I can control how much I take with my next prescription". So thinking of only the good things that adderall brings me, I called up my drug dealer AKA my psychiatrist, and got a new prescription.

 

Starting taking the adderall on Wednesday and felt great and productive at work, but by Saturday night I was taking pill after pill not even know why. I would take one and take another an hour later cause I felt like it wasn't working fast enough.

 

I took so many 30 XR's on Friday and Saturday I lost count. I think at least 10, but maybe more. 

 

So as I am lying in bed last night, unable to sleep at 4:30am, I started my usual panic thinking of how I would ration out the rest of my pills so I could be productive at work and not go through a bad withdrawl. And then I became depressed because I knew I wouldn't be able to stick to 1-2 pills a day to last the rest of the week, and that the crash was going to be soon upon me. But I didn't know when that last pill would come and that's what gave me the most anxiety.

 

So instead of going through the non stop thinking of when and how many pills to take each day, I decided I would once and for all control my addiction, and flushed the last 15 pills of my script down the toilet. As soon as I realized that if I just got rid of the pills, they wouldn't be able to control me anymore and the anxiety and depression would go away, I felt a huge weight lift of my shoulders. I felt happy, excited, and most of all FREE.

 

I took a picture of the pills in the toilet before I flushed them and just looking at it brings a smile to my face.

 

I know the next couple of days will be rough, but I've done it many times before and this time I won't have to worry about my supply running out, since I decided to end it on my own terms.

 

Things are looking up.

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When you get the craving to use it again, and you will, just come back here and read your own posts.  On June 17, you said you need to cut your ties to your psyche doctor.  Have you done that yet? 

Besides the unsustainability of the addiction itself, are there any other reasons you want to quit?

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Well that great feeling I had in flushing down the rest of my pills has turned into regret and depression.

I just called in sick to my work for the second day in a row because of the withdrawl I am going through and now I think I shouldve waited until the week was over before flushing them away. At least I could've been working and then go through my withdrawl on the weekend.

The main reason I want to quit is my life has become so up and down due to the drug that it's destroying my health, work life, and personal life.

I feel like everytime I quit and get back on track to recovery something comes up where I immediatley think the only solution is adderall. This could be a work issue, social event, or just overall boredom.

The worst part is is I feel the only way I can get someone to help me or get myself help is by doing something drastic.

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You need more of a plan to quit. Whenever I tried to quit by flushing pills or ripping up prescriptions in a dramatic fashion, I always relapsed. I planned my final quit for months. I chose to quit on a Thursday in December. I went out of town that Fri-Sun, worked Mon-Wed, and then had 10 days off (used vacation days around xmas and new years). When I got back to work, work was slow for the next couple weeks because it was still winter break (worked at a school). In addition to December being a slow work month, it's also the best weather in Phoenix, so I knew I would be able to hike and walk outside for exercise for a good 5 months until it got hot. I also told my doctor 6 months in advance that she should begin prescribing me less and less dosages because I was stopping for good in December.

Your instinct may be to do something drastic but a well thought out plan is what will lead to long term success.

You also need to accept that recovery is a long, slow process and that you are going to feel tired, depressed, unmotivated, and bored for many months, if not longer.

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Hello.. Thank you for your posts. I can relate so closely to you with the feelings of happiness when you first take it, and then taking more and more for whatever reasons and then the panic sets in on what you're going to do come Monday for work... How can you get more? The run around of buying it, the amount you pay for it, the exhaustion of it all... Oh how I can relate!! It's so messed up and so consuming. It's all my life consists of now. That's why I made the decision to quit, but I think and my psychiatrist recommends that I go in to detox to withdraw from it.. I take way too much for way too long now with no breaks from it in a long time, to just stop cold turkey at home.. I have kids and a husband. I works need to do things still if I came down at home and I don't think that's going to be an option for me this time. I definitely do not want my kids to see me go through that either..

But I would have to agree with some of the other posts, set up a more concrete plan, consider telling your doctor that prescribes you the adderall and get it out there to people that are close to you that you can open up to and trust and see what they suggest.. Try a NA meeting too. What do you mean by doing something drastic? Do your loved ones know about your use? If not, maybe telling them would be drastic enough.. Good luck and keep us posted..

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Thank you all for your responses, glad to see other people can relate with what I'm going through, maybe I should go to an AA/NA meeting (since alcohol is an issue as well) and try to get support face to face.

 

Quick update on my progress. 

 

I havn't taken adderall since the day I flushed out my pills, which is nice. I ended up calling in sick for that whole week of work cause I just couldn't get myself out of bed to go, and after 3 days I thought "what's the point now?" So going back to work kind of sucked but at least I was well rested and had a clear head. 

 

The good news

 

The quality of my work at my job has improved dramatically. I used to use adderall as a crutch for being able to focus and maintain a high output of my work, but it would eventually turn into me getting so focused and having such great tunnel vision that if something threw me off or distracted me, I would focus on that way too much and then get off doing my work. Also just knowing how I am going to feel mentally each day helps and not having to worry about if I'm going to be running on no sleep or going through withdrawl.

 

The bad news

 

Life without adderall is just so fucking boring it's starting to make me want to pick it back up again. I hate to admit it but that's just how it is for me right now. I still try to enjoy the small things in life like walking my dog and reading a book and the first week or so it was actually going well cause it was a hell of a lot better than being couped up in my bed all day to scared and tired to do anything. 

 

But now that I've been off for a couple weeks I just don't care about anything. Nothing gets me excited. I start thinking "what's the point to any of this and what' the point of living?" or "If everything is meaningless, why not just drink, take drugs, and have fun while I'm here?" 

 

I know this is a terrible mindset and I am currently seeing a new therapist who I think will help me out big time with my depression and anxiety, but right now every minute is a struggle.

 

In conclusion

 

I plan on staying away from adderall for the time being cause I know what it will lead to, but there is still that distant voice in my head that's telling me just one or two pills on a friday or saturday night won't kill me, and I honestly can't say if I'll be able to resist.

 

For me I can't be social without adderall or alcohol, and staying away from both has just made me bored with life and anti-social.

 

So that's my life so far being adderall free. A reminder that this is the 2nd time of me quitting adderall. The first time about 2 years ago, I went 11 months without booze or adderall and it was pretty good, but I missed it too much and wanted to enjoy being around my friends again so I caved in and picked back up right where I left off.

 

Would love to hear if anyone has or is going through a similar situation.

 

-Chuck

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Thank you all for your responses, glad to see other people can relate with what I'm going through, maybe I should go to an AA/NA meeting (since alcohol is an issue as well) and try to get support face to face.

 

-Chuck

Using alcohol to treat depression is like trying to put out a fire using gasoline.  Treating depression with a depressant?  I suggest you get a handle on the alcohol issues because you may be simply substituting one addiction for another, and that outcome is never good. 

 

 

 

"For me I can't be social without adderall or alcohol, and staying away from both has just made me bored with life and anti-social."

Please take this statement to your new therapist or an AA meeting .  It will be a very good place to begin your new relationships.

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In conclusion

 

I plan on staying away from adderall for the time being cause I know what it will lead to, but there is still that distant voice in my head that's telling me just one or two pills on a friday or saturday night won't kill me, and I honestly can't say if I'll be able to resist.

 

 

This has me really worried.   Once you're down the addiction rabbit-hole, you can't just have a casual, take-it-or-leave-it attitude where you get to "stay away for the time being."   You don't get to take one or two pills on a Saturday night anymore.  Your brain does not relate to adderall that way.  And probably not alcohol either.  Your brain relates to these substances either in large quantities or not at all.  

 

In your writings, I can see a thoughtful, intelligent person who truly wants the freedom of not having to go through withdrawals, count pills, moderate, count down until your refill, etc.   But I also hear the addict voice in your head resisting this.

 

Quitting is not easy.  But do you REALLY want to hit rock bottom?   Amphetamine psychosis, permanent damage to brain, body, friendships, etc?  

 

If you truly want the freedom of quitting, you need to make the decision once and for all that you will never take adderall again.  Your bingeing shows that you can't safely take it at all.  Not even one.  

 

AA/NA sound like great options, as does your therapist.  These forums are very helpful too.  But ultimately it's up to YOU to decide what kind of life you want to live.

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Oh Chuck...I am so sad for you.  Just stop.  It is so hard, but it is the only way.  We all understand what you are going through, but only you can end this horrible cycle once and for all.  I hear what ya'll are saying about planning to quit, and I ramped down my dose a bit before quitting, but cold turkey is the way I have to quit every bad habit.  Smoking?  I just stopped.  Adderall?  Just stop.  Now, have I relapsed?  Of course, but not this time!  Make a stand!  For yourself and your life.  Take up a hobby.  I took up painting, and art.  Turns out, I am pretty artistic.  I never knew, because I was so busy being overly attentive to crap that did not matter.  I am trusting the senior members here and looking forward to the day when my energy and drive return.  Until then, I am trying to get used to being less than perfect... 

So, you are currently unable to entertain yourself without adderall.  Well, quit medicating yourself and learn how to do what most kindergartners can do!  (One of my friends told me that a few months ago, and it is so true!)

 

Seriously, hang in there because you can do it! 

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