my life; controlled by adderall

[addiisonave]

i am 23 years old. 5 years ago, i was introduced to a drug called vyvanse. i had never heard of anything like the description i was told about the medication before. i took one blue and white ER cap, which was (if i am correct) 70 mg. who knew that one small pill, one simple little medication could control my life in every aspect for the next 5 years, and counting. i will try to describe these next 5 years, as short, but in as much detail as i can. at first it was fun, more of a game per say. i could take these pills and have so much energy so much urge to clean, my house always looked amazing. my life seemed so entertaining. approx 30 maybe 45 days after taking vy every couple of days, i was introduced to adderall. my one and only addiction in life. its been 5 years, and 2 amazing children later, and i cannot quit. adderall has become my life; my bestfriend, my go to girl, my happiness, the first thing i do when i wake up. its what i look forward to in the mornings, i tell myself just get up, take your med, and get your day started everything will be fine once you take your pill. I HATE THIS! i started off taking 10 mg a day. i now am prescribed 60 mg a day. (since trying to come off, i have started taking less and less, but some days i cant help but to take more). i have done things i would have never imagined doing due to adderall. i have lost friends, relationships, money, my emotions, jobs, my life, my sex desire. i have no control of my life without it. it seems no matter how hard i try, how determined i am, i cannot get the idea out of my mind. i cannot break this horrible habit that i have grown to despise. my SO and i both have tried countless times to stop. and we were doing so well for long periods of times before. 8 or 9 weeks sometimes, and then one day, we start again. we have even started to snort our pills, which has caused sores in and out side of our nose sometimes. we are parents, and we look like we could be on some serious drugs because of the constant sores, the bags under our eyes due to lack of sleep, (8 days and 7 nights i have stayed up before). living this life is NOT what i want. i so badly want to become dependent on myself, on the beauty of the world. i don't want to continue to take medication to live. i do not want to spend money buying more and more each month due to my tolerance level increasing, and not only mine but his as well (he can't get his own script). i do not want to get caught selling drugs. i do not want to get caught buying drugs. i am terrified of what my life will become if i do not stop taking, snorting and abusing this medication. i am at a complete loss at what to do, my SO isn't ready to quit. therefore; it's going to be really hard to for me as well. social addiction is the worse, and the habit i have formed of snorting is just as bad. what can i do? i need help. i am finally ready to reach out and receive any and all the help that i can get. if there is anything you can offer me, any words of wisdom, and stories, experiences, please don't hesitate. i want you and i to help each other quit this horrible addiction we have allowed ourselves to create.

[JustinW]

Welcome to the forums.  Quitting is not an easy road and will be more of a challenge due to the use by your SO.  Having said that, quitting is well within your grasp.  Start a journal and put all of the reasons that you need to quit on page 1; then journal every day of your quit to help you process your experiences; stay close to this forum for support (ideally join the 30 day challenge).  Best of luck to you!

[Greg]

Welcome to the forums. It's tough but know it's doable. It take power from inside you to free yourself and dedication...as justinW says join the 30 day challenge ASAP.

[Jon]

i am 23 years old. 5 years ago, i was introduced to a drug called vyvanse. i had never heard of anything like the description i was told about the medication before. i took one blue and white ER cap, which was (if i am correct) 70 mg. who knew that one small pill, one simple little medication could control my life in every aspect for the next 5 years, and counting. i will try to describe these next 5 years, as short, but in as much detail as i can. at first it was fun, more of a game per say. i could take these pills and have so much energy so much urge to clean, my house always looked amazing. my life seemed so entertaining. approx 30 maybe 45 days after taking vy every couple of days, i was introduced to adderall. my one and only addiction in life. its been 5 years, and 2 amazing children later, and i cannot quit. adderall has become my life; my bestfriend, my go to girl, my happiness, the first thing i do when i wake up. its what i look forward to in the mornings, i tell myself just get up, take your med, and get your day started everything will be fine once you take your pill. I HATE THIS! i started off taking 10 mg a day. i now am prescribed 60 mg a day. (since trying to come off, i have started taking less and less, but some days i cant help but to take more). i have done things i would have never imagined doing due to adderall. i have lost friends, relationships, money, my emotions, jobs, my life, my sex desire. i have no control of my life without it. it seems no matter how hard i try, how determined i am, i cannot get the idea out of my mind. i cannot break this horrible habit that i have grown to despise. my SO and i both have tried countless times to stop. and we were doing so well for long periods of times before. 8 or 9 weeks sometimes, and then one day, we start again. we have even started to snort our pills, which has caused sores in and out side of our nose sometimes. we are parents, and we look like we could be on some serious drugs because of the constant sores, the bags under our eyes due to lack of sleep, (8 days and 7 nights i have stayed up before). living this life is NOT what i want. i so badly want to become dependent on myself, on the beauty of the world. i don't want to continue to take medication to live. i do not want to spend money buying more and more each month due to my tolerance level increasing, and not only mine but his as well (he can't get his own script). i do not want to get caught selling drugs. i do not want to get caught buying drugs. i am terrified of what my life will become if i do not stop taking, snorting and abusing this medication. i am at a complete loss at what to do, my SO isn't ready to quit. therefore; it's going to be really hard to for me as well. social addiction is the worse, and the habit i have formed of snorting is just as bad. what can i do? i need help. i am finally ready to reach out and receive any and all the help that i can get. if there is anything you can offer me, any words of wisdom, and stories, experiences, please don't hesitate. i want you and i to help each other quit this horrible addiction we have allowed ourselves to create.

 

That's one of the scariest posts ever. It sounds like a drug team is at work. This IS a SERIOUS DRUG and you are already on it!

 

You might have to quit the team to stay clean past 8 or 9 weeks. You have already proved you can quit. If you keep playing games with this drug things can get A LOT WORSE!

[Perullo]

addiisonave,

 

It sounds to me like your problem stems from something way deeper than just an addiction.  I think you found the right site to go to, but it seriously sounds like you need to get the help of a bona fide professional.  Based on your verbiage, it sounds like you're letting your life run you instead of the other way around.  What you need to do first is to get your head on straight - stop saying things like "I'll never be able to quit" or "I'm helpless".  Stop blaming the drug for your problems.  They didn't crush and snort themselves - I bet even your kids know that much.

 

And for the love of god, don't hide behind your "SO" as an excuse.  Like you said, he doesn't have the perscription - you do.  You have control over the situation, not him.  If you cave and buy him drugs, then you are an enabler.  I'm not going to pretend that I know your situation very, but I'll tell you this - if your significant other is standing in the way between you and kicking a drug addiction to a serious drug (Jon was very right about that one), then you need to leave him or seek couple's therapy or something.  That kind of behavior is called abuse and you cannot tollerate it.

 

Now I don't expect to be very well-liked by making posts like this, but believe it or not, I speak only from a place of love.  I believe in this community to do the absolute best for themselves and each other, and I believe in you just for finding us and having the guts to come clean.  But we all need a kick in the ass from time to time, and it sounds like this one was well overdue.

 

Welcome to the forum.  I honestly do wish you the best of luck and provide full support for your recovery, for the sake of your health and your children.  Now lift your chin up, stand straight, and get back into the game.

 

-Perullo