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shyfox

Quitting for the wrong reasons? Co-dependent Adderalic newly dating a sober guy... Help?

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Okay, sorry if this is long. I'm so turned around and I just need to get it all out.

I've been thinking about quitting lately. I've made a couple of attempts in the past but always end up back on the addies or some other stimulant. I know it's destructive but I think I just haven't found the internal motivation to follow through. I love being creative and productive and social all the time way too much to do the smart thing and worry about my undoubtedly increasingly unbalanced nuerochemistry... or my health... or the prospect of my life turning into 'Requiem for a Dream'. You know, typical addict stuff.

But I met this really great guy and I REALLY like him. Like, oh man, we super click on a lot of levels. But I definitely don't want to put someone I really care about in the position of being an addict's partner, especially because he has dated a junky in the past and that sorta contributed to his life going off the rails.

So, my options are now;

1) Keep seeing him and lie - Bleh, been there, done that. So much no. I want to be better than that. I HAVE to be better than that.
2) Tell him about my addiction and let him decide what he wants to do - I feel like this is the right, courageous, and most ethical thing to do but the mere thought of saying the words 'I am addicted to adderall' to this person makes me shakey. I am historically a relationship addict (not as much so now that I've replaced one addiction with another); http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_addiction and the prospect of facing dissaproval and abandonment from someone I'm romantically entangled with instills the fear of death itself in me. Or that's what it feels like anyway. I feel like I can't do it, like, physically, if that makes sense. I feel like my throat will close up or I'll throw from nerves or have a panic attack or something if I even try to have that conversation.
3) Same as above (tell him) but also explain that this means I can't be involved with anyone right now. I think there might be some virtue in completing my adderall saga, whenever and wherever it may end, alone. I don't want to do damage to anyone but me.
4) Make some excuse to stop hanging out or dissapear mysteriously and hope it doesn't bum him out too much - I would be epically sad, but this would be the easiest thing to do. It's also the most cowardly.


If I could be brave enough to tell him what's going on in my life, and he still wants to hang out with my crazy ass for some reason, that would probably be on the condition that I start working on quitting now, which I'd be willing to try again, but I feel like I'd fail because I wouldn't be 100% certain if it was for me, or if it was just for him. I don't know if I'm ready to quit. I'm so pathetic... I'm co-dependant to the point that I don't even care enough about myself to stop using tweak, I need 'love' or whatever the fuck you call what co-dependants feel to motivate me to save my own goddamn life. And even if I didn't have those issues, I'm pathetic because I'm choosing drugs over spending more time with someone who I think is totally awesome and I can't even work up the guts to tell them.

Can anyone relate? Thoughts? Advice?

Man... I feel like the worst person... =(

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hi there welcome to the forum.  Not sound harsh but he'll find out one way or the other. You need to quit because you've realized that adderall doesn't make you more creative, productive etc. Its just the drugs deceptive way of making you believe you are more creative and productive.  Quit becuase you want to be the real you. 

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Hey Zerokewl, thanks for replying.

That's kinda the point. Logically I know I should quit, but co-dependent type of person that I am, I can't bring myself to care unless there's someone else I can be doing it for. But I don't think I can do it unless I'm really doing it because I want to do it for myself. And that doesn't sound harsh at all, I'm 100% aware of that. That's what I did in my last relationship and there's no way in hell I'll put myself and my partner through those headgames again.

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Oh, as a side note, I wasn't sure, but I hope it's okay that I'm posting here even though I haven't actually quit yet...

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No problem at all. You don't have to have quit to post here.  I probably shouldn't comment on your relationships, I am not an expert. I'm actually a bit of a fuck-up when it comes to relationships.  I know a little about the Adderall trap. If you are thinking about quitting read the articles on this site and plan for a period of recalibration.  Quit because you want to, quitting is hard work and you gotta want it.  Getting clean is a selfish act. 

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Logically I know I should quit

You have to wait until emotionally you know you should quit. We don't make life decisions based on logic alone. We aren't rational creatures. This is a decision of the heart - you must know in your heart you should quit if you are to succeed. Unfortunately, that's not a feeling you can manufacture.

Everyone is welcome here for support.

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Oh, as a side note, I wasn't sure, but I hope it's okay that I'm posting here even though I haven't actually quit yet...

Quitting is a process as well as an event.  You are in the early stages of this process.  All of us who have successfully quit have been through it and we are here to support you.

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Oh, as a side note, I wasn't sure, but I hope it's okay that I'm posting here even though I haven't actually quit yet...

 

 just don't post when you are really tweaked I pretty much ignore the 3 page no paragraph posts now lol 

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Thanks so much to everyone who shared their thoughts. You guys made some really good points and hearing from you helped me a lot. I definitely have some thinking to do, but I guess I'm just not ready to quit right this minute. Maybe soon though? =P I think I'll keep lurking around here.

 

 just don't post when you are really tweaked I pretty much ignore the 3 page no paragraph posts now lol 

Haha fair enough, I'll refrain from posting 20-page adderall manifestos XP

In other news... If anyone's had experience with co-dependence as well as adderall addiction or knows of good resources for that, I'd really like to hear from you.

Thanks again, guys.

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Thanks so much to everyone who shared their thoughts. You guys made some really good points and hearing from you helped me a lot. I definitely have some thinking to do, but I guess I'm just not ready to quit right this minute. Maybe soon though? =P I think I'll keep lurking around here.

 

Haha fair enough, I'll refrain from posting 20-page adderall manifestos XP

In other news... If anyone's had experience with co-dependence as well as adderall addiction or knows of good resources for that, I'd really like to hear from you.

Thanks again, guys.

 

Honestly co-dependance and adderall are separate issues. I would deal with them separately. 

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Honestly co-dependance and adderall are separate issues. I would deal with them separately. 

I can definitely see how that would usually be the case, but I think they're pretty related in my case. At the very least, I think that a mjaor thing blocking me from really wanting to quit in a deep, gut-feeling kind of way is being afraid of lapsing back into the shitty, self-destructive relationship patterns I replaced with drugs. So... yup.

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Addiction makes you do some crazy things. Maybe the addiction is the route of the problem. When I quit adderall I got my crazy temper under control for the most part. Its hard to say Adderall really is a mindfuck so it can really amplify everything. I have no experience with co-dependancy, I barely understand what is so I just won't comment.  But if you are using Adderall as a cure for co-dependancy well that just silly.   

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Addictions and co-dependency seem to be related somehow.  Wasn't the concept of codependency invented by AA?  It seems like addictions share common structures, and it also seems like a lot of people who are prone to addictions are also prone to codependency.   So they might be coming from a common place.  You probably need to sort it out before you can have a fully healthy relationship with another person, though.  

 

Good luck to you-- these are VERY common and a lot of people are completely unwilling or unable to recognize their own codependency.  There are lots of books and articles out there.  I'm only just starting to look into this myself.

 

Hope you quit soon and figure it all out.  Good luck!

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