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mike2125

Hey Everyone! I'm now adderall for several months...

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I was trying to look for my old thread, but I don't know how to do it. And honestly, I'm glad I can't because that means that I'm having a brain fart and that rarely happened when I was on my adderall. 

 

Just wanted to give some of you some words of HOPE! I can't remember when I quit, but I believe it was around March or April. I had a baby daughter on March 29 and I knew at the time, to be a better father and husband, my adderall use needed to end. 

 

Anyways, I found this site at that time and it was very helpful for me to not only communicate with others that were addicted, but just to know that I wasn't ALONE. And you aren't alone. I'm not ready to demonize this drug, as I know it served it's purpose for me. I am, however, angry that my doctor was so quick to prescribe it to me without giving me any idea of what was in store for me. 

 

Which brings me to why I am here...

 

I had a physical today with that same doctor. I had blood tests, blood pressure, etc. checked. Blood pressure was still a little high, but I'm also not working out and I've gained a few pounds the last few months. He's going through my chart and asked what meds I needed to be re-prescribed. He's going down the list and says, "Oh, looks like you're due for another script for adderall". 

 

My heart sank. That was the first time I had thought about it in months. After being on it for several years, it took a lot to get to the point I'm at today. And after I thought I had completely kicked the urge for it, the idea that I was "due for another script" brought that evil pink angel onto my shoulder. In a span of 10 seconds, I thought to myself "I can control it this time, this time you know better, this time you just take it when you need it" all the things I would tell myself before when I managed to turn a 60 day supply into a 2 week binge. 

 

Then I thought about my daughter. I have such a wonderful relationship with her now. I feel so much with her. She's 7 months now, and i love holding her, playing with her, and I know I couldn't foster those same feelings with that pill. With adderall, everything is black and white. I'm father, you're daughter and I need to read you a book,or put you on a swing, or make sure you have enough tummy time to learn to crawl.

 

I'm tired all the time. I don't sleep much. At work, I'm not the balls to the wall employee I use to be. But I'm also not a slug. I get my job done and I'm in school also to get my real estate license. I don't need adderall. My daughter doesn't need me on adderall. My wife doesn't need a man who can't hold her hand or who constantly thinks she's cheating on him. Yeah, I feel every day of my 37 years, but at least I'm me again.

 

I turned down the prescription and just told the doctor that I didn't need it right now and that I was on a break. I didn't want to go into detail about how this pill robbed me of 2 + years of my life, how I almost lost my relationship with my wife because of it, and how, even though I'm in the best spot I've been in years at work, I feel like a complete outcast.

 

I've been where all of you have been. The isolation, the depression, the idea that you can't get any work done without adderall. That you can't be social without it. That you can't get that "start" to your day without it. And worst of all, I've been through that first few weeks without it.

 

It's not the easiest thing I've had to do. It's also not the hardest. I would say it's very similar to giving up caffeine. I may get some stones thrown at me, but I've seen some very, very pessimistic views of people never getting back to normal and that the withdrawals were horribly painful. They're not that bad. The first week off for me, I felt great. It was the second week that really sent me into a nose dive. The lethargy was bad. Even 5 rockstars a day couldn't give me the energy and euphoria that adderall did. It would give me a headache and I'd still be yawning. I would say the second week, for me, was the hardest. I also experienced the depression that most people talk about. I had a feeling that my wife and daughter would be better off without me. That I was worthless. I wouldn't say I was suicidal, but I sure as shit not worried about dying either. I had read enough though, to know that what I was going through was part of giving up the drug. I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel as long as I maintained enough will power to stay off. And I believe I was around week 4 where I felt "back to normal", meaning the brain fog was gone, I could stay awake without excessive caffeine. I was also much more social and outgoing at this point. My wife noticed that I was holding her more and being more affectionate. My sex drive came roaring back. Who would have thought at 37 I would have thought my glory days were over. Now that my bp is back around normal and my blood vessels aren't constricted, my soldier is back!

I renewed my relationship with God (I know some people are non religious, that's fine, I'm not here to push religion on anyone).  I considered myself an atheist for several years. I was convinced that no one or thing was going to get me through the tough times or elevate my career except for me (with adderall of course). 

 

I just want those of you who are seeking an end to this hell, there is hope. There is another side. It's OK to come back to normal. At the end of my day, I'm tired. I use to think "I need more adderall", but now, nah, I got up at 4 am, I deserve to be tired at 5 pm. 

 

You'll get through the withdrawals. I have a very addictive personality. I had issues with alcohol (made worse with adderall of course). So I know how scary it is to think that you may stop using and that you'll end up a zombie. You won't. If anything, you'll be more fun to be around. I laugh more now than I can remember. Ask yourself, if you're still using, when is the last time you laughed? I mean, had a really good laugh to where you felt it in the bottom of your gut to the shoulder blades in your back. That kind of laugh. You don't have to answer here because I know the answer. You DON'T have to live that kind of life! You CAN quit. It really is not THAT hard. The point is to not put it off any longer. If you're at the point that I was at, and you know if you are, I don't have to tell you, then go and get your bottle and flush it. Flush it away and don't give yourself more time to think. As soon as you do, you start your recovery. 

 

I'll try and remember to check back. If anyone wants to ask me anything, feel free. I don't take anything now except a cup or two of black coffee throughout the day. So don't ask if I take any "alternatives". Nothing will recreate the feeling of adderall unless it's adderall. Ritalin, Stratera, Concentra, Nuvigil, Provigil, all the other gils WILL NOT give you what adderall did. I found that out throughout the years. God bless you all. Have a good one. I'll check back later!

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