SweetCarolinee

Scared of relapsing - help!

5 posts in this topic

Hey ya'll!


 


Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! It was super great to see and be with family. Sorry I have been a little MIA lately, I just need not to think about Adderall. I am 26 days away from being 1 YEAR CLEAN, can you all believe it? I can't but I'm super scared about relapsing. I don't know why or what changed but ever since I have hit my 8 and a half month mark of being clean, I have done nothing but obsessively thought and longed for Adderall. I seriously went from never really thinking about it and if I did, how happy I am without it to non-stop obsessive thoughts about it, how I miss it and wish I was on it again. I am scared. I don't have any and I haven't made any calls or appointments to get any but I feel like I am close. I need any advice please! Did this happen to any of you whom have been clean for a while?


 


I'm losing my shit. I don't want to make excuses but I feel like I don't feel any better than I did while on Adderall. I think I felt better on Adderall than I do now or have been since being clean. I am so tired and hungry all the time and only have energy if I drink, even when I was working out everyday and eating healthy. I feel slightly dizzy all the time. I never sleep well. I went to the doctor and got blood work done and checked out and everything is fine besides I have high cholesterol but something does really feel wrong with me still. I just don't know what to do anymore.


 


Thanks,


 


Caroline


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YES, we long timers have all felt that way. I would say the first year is 'early recovery'. You're nowhere near your normal self yet. I had strong cravings for the first 18 months. You have to measure your progress in years, not months. Like, 2 yrs vs 1 yr. Think of this as recovering from a brain injury - it takes a long time and there are no short cuts. "8 months is nothing," you will be saying 2 years from now.

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i'm only 2.5 months clean and i am having a day like this today.  knowing that the adderall is only one quick trip to the doctor's office away is killing me.  I can't seem to find motivation to get dressed let alone shower, go into work, and DO work.  I just keep fantasizing about that giddy/excited feeling you get from taking adderall when you haven't had it in a while.  i know how super productive i would be. but then i remember how that only lasted about a week for me...ever.  Even after taking copious amounts of it.  Even after stopping for 20+ days.  then i just felt strung out.....like a shell of a person.  I just keep remembering that shitty horrible feeling of being sooo tired, but completely wired all the time.  Staring at my ceiling/computer monitor--whatever, and doing nothing for HOURS except like pick at my scalp.  It was sick.  I don't want to be that person again.  and even if i got one week of feeling high and motivated, it would be followed by several weeks of feeling totally zombified, then several weeks of shitty withdrawal, wishing I could be at the piont where I am now and wondering why i ever went back to it.  that's how I keep myself from going for it again.  I've considered asking my shrink for an antidepressant though, but I'm not sure.  I think perhaps I just need to work through this time...as others have said...2.5 months is nothing.

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Hey Caroline, I'm only at 4 months clean, but I've been feeling the same way. One night I even went to sleep fully intending to wake up the next morning and call the doctor. Thankfully I woke up and came to my senses deciding it wasn't worth it, but I've come close just like you. It's easy to justify it to yourself when you have such a strong craving.

All I can say is think about the days you racked up just off adderall. Since it's not sustainable, you'll end up back at day 1 the next time you quit. Look at your "This was me on adderall" thread and remember all the crazy and negative ways adderall affected your life. Not worth it.

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Sweet Caroline!!!  :)

 

You already know you've come way too far to relapse.   And you're way too good for adderall.  You have a lot of reasons for quitting, and you've been really positive about the progress you've made all year!   I can tell by how you write, and also by knowning you on here, that you don't REALLY want to relapse.  Not your true, authentic self.  Just the addict part of your brain.  Parts of the brain that have simply become chemically dependent on a substance that your brain hasn't completely forgotten about yet.  

 

So your brain is starting to think about it.  You didn't ask for those thoughts, but they show up anyway.   What do you do when they show up?

 

I'm starting a post about a technique I've been using called Urge Surfing.  So I'll post more info and links there.  I think it might really REALLY help you!  

 

I'm thinking maybe different ways of handling your cravings could make them diminish or grow?   

 

Also, it sounds like you've hit a dangerous point in your quit where you're far enough recovered that you're starting to forget the bad, and starting to maybe romanticize adderall a little bit?  If that starts to happen, maybe go back through and find the threads about bad health effects and stuff caused by adderall.   Remember one bad thing for every good thing you reminisce about.

 

I hope you're doing okay.  Please give us an update!

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