blakery123

My Story

38 posts in this topic

Gang:

 

I am 49 years old and have been taking Adderall for about three years.  I started taking Adderall because I felt totally stuck and victimized by my feelings.  I just sort of got tired of battling "me" all the time, the negative self-talk and general self-loathing.  I also got sick of going through life so scared all the time.

 

I also wanted more energy.  For my entire life I have always felt that I was just not quite energetic or smart enough to be the me I was supposed to be.  I spent my life watching hard driving type A personalities and wanted to be more like them.  Some bizarre combination of greed, need for recognition and success.  Christ, who the hell knows.

 

What I do know for certain is that I have to stop Adderall.  A work situation has made me realize that Adderall is having a far more negative impact on my life than I had ever imagined.  The cumulative sleep deprivation is killing me emotionally and intellectually.  Most days I feel like I have early onset Alzheimer's.  Adderall is making me slow and stupid.  I am 100% burned out thanks to Adderall.

 

I am grateful to have found this site.

 

By way of background, I am not new to recovery.  I went through my first rehab almost 30 years ago.  However, my drug of choice was opiates and like any good addict I somehow convinced myself that Adderall was safe because it was not my drug of choice.

 

I should also add that I have a good life: three great kids, a happy marriage, good job, etc.  Unfortunately, my good luck allowed me to justify, and help to propel, my use of Adderall.  I think for a long time I have felt entitled to use whatever I needed to use to get through the day.

 

I am going to try and taper myself off with the 20 remaining pills that I have left.  I am skeptical of this approach, but I am feeling scared and depressed.  Experience is telling me that only cold turkey is going to work.

 

Before I sign off I should also add that in the past year I have had two angioplasties.  I am 100% convinced that Adderall has taken a major physical toll on my body.  I now have five stents thanks Adderall and am damn lucky I avoided a heart attack and death.  This stuff is poison for me.

 

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

What I do know for certain is that I have to stop Adderall.  A work situation has made me realize that Adderall is having a far more negative impact on my life than I had ever imagined.  The cumulative sleep deprivation is killing me emotionally and intellectually.  Most days I feel like I have early onset Alzheimer's.  Adderall is making me slow and stupid.  I am 100% burned out thanks to Adderall.

.

 

 

Welcome, Senplate.  I can totally relate to the above statement.  I, too, was cognitively challenged towards the end of my addiction.  You have a lot of really good reasons to quit and the sooner the better.  Cold turkey worked well for me.  Adderall was tearing up my body and my mind and I really had no choice but to quit if I wanted a quality future.  I was 48 when I quit and it was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Most days I feel like I have early onset Alzheimer's.  Adderall is making me slow and stupid.  I am 100% burned out thanks to Adderall.



Oh man I used for 2.5 years and I can TOTALLY relate to this.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I couldn't even hold a conversation...couldn't pull the words out of my brain.  I totally relate.  Guess what?  It is better now.  I am quite the conversationalist!

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, the irony is really staggering.  Getting the exact opposite result of what I was looking for but still feeling like it will be impossible to function without Adderall.  Addiction is truly insanity. 

 

I am in taper mode and nervous as hell.  While my brain 100% understands the necessity of stopping, every ounce of my scared lizard brain wants me to keep going.

 

The other thing I am struggling with is the subtle, but serious slow burn damage I have done to the relationships in my life using Adderall...wife, kids, friends, business partner, etc.  Erratic, edgy behavior, meanness, obsessive talking, etc.  Truth be told I don't have many friends because the sense of "cheating", shame feelings make me want to isolate.  I am often struck by the difficulty I have making eye contact with other people. 

 

Last but not least the sex on Adderall and how addictive that can be.  Ugh.  Yet, my sex drive is basically totally gone at this point.  God knows what this stuff has done to my hormones.

 

I am tired of living this way.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I told my mom I had quit taking my Adderall, I also apologized to her for the way I have acted for the last several years.  She was so supportive and said that she was glad that I quit.  Everyone noticed, but no one wanted to mention it.  Facing my wrath was not worth it, I suppose.  I couldn't make eye contact either...funny how we are all so similar.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Blesbro, i am nearly a year sober and noticed that some of my ambition and motivation is JUST now coming back. Natural brain tingles and happy feelings and such. You said that one year of recovery for you was just the beginning...does that mean my life may get even better? Or that my brain is still a year later recovering from by heavy abuse?

Thanks!

Searchingsoul, yes things will continue to get better. Now that I am at just over two years sober, it seems things are still getting better. I am actually super motivated without adderall now. I wake up early, cook breakfast and get ready for the day every morning, work all day, go to the gym after work every day, and basically just get shit done all day every day of the week. Then on the weekend I get some time to relax and do some fun things but it is very normal for people not on adderall to be productive and motivated, you just need to start developing the habits that will allow you to do that without thinking about it, ya know? But yes, my anxiety, motivation, and overall clearheadedness and ability to make decisions has improved so much since just one year it's crazy. Quitting adderall was THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE!!!!! That's sober me saying that. Just gotta see it through, it's so worth it. I'm a real human being now. I care for others. I form a lot of real relationships with people. I have a personality that adderall took from me. Everyone that's seriously considering quitting should do WHATEVER it takes to see quitting and recovery through, because I guarantee it will be worth it even if you're not exactly like you imagined yourself being on adderall. You will discover the true you and there's no better or more fulfulling feeling than that.

5 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gang:

 

I am 49 years old and have been taking Adderall for about three years.  I started taking Adderall because I felt totally stuck and victimized by my feelings.  I just sort of got tired of battling "me" all the time, the negative self-talk and general self-loathing.  I also got sick of going through life so scared all the time.

 

I also wanted more energy.  For my entire life I have always felt that I was just not quite energetic or smart enough to be the me I was supposed to be.  I spent my life watching hard driving type A personalities and wanted to be more like them.  Some bizarre combination of greed, need for recognition and success.  Christ, who the hell knows.

 

What I do know for certain is that I have to stop Adderall.  A work situation has made me realize that Adderall is having a far more negative impact on my life than I had ever imagined.  The cumulative sleep deprivation is killing me emotionally and intellectually.  Most days I feel like I have early onset Alzheimer's.  Adderall is making me slow and stupid.  I am 100% burned out thanks to Adderall.

 

I am grateful to have found this site.

 

By way of background, I am not new to recovery.  I went through my first rehab almost 30 years ago.  However, my drug of choice was opiates and like any good addict I somehow convinced myself that Adderall was safe because it was not my drug of choice.

 

I should also add that I have a good life: three great kids, a happy marriage, good job, etc.  Unfortunately, my good luck allowed me to justify, and help to propel, my use of Adderall.  I think for a long time I have felt entitled to use whatever I needed to use to get through the day.

 

I am going to try and taper myself off with the 20 remaining pills that I have left.  I am skeptical of this approach, but I am feeling scared and depressed.  Experience is telling me that only cold turkey is going to work.

 

Before I sign off I should also add that in the past year I have had two angioplasties.  I am 100% convinced that Adderall has taken a major physical toll on my body.  I now have five stents thanks Adderall and am damn lucky I avoided a heart attack and death.  This stuff is poison for me.

 

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

The person who you described yourself as and how you felt about yourself before adderall is similar to how I felt before starting the medication too. Best of luck to you, I think you can quit successfully!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I couldn't even hold a conversation...couldn't pull the words out of my brain.  I totally relate.  Guess what?  It is better now.  I am quite the conversationalist!

I went through this too. I couldn't speak clearly anymore or even get some words out. I often chose not to speak because of this. Awful what this drug can do to you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi there. I was abusing adderall for about 2.5-3 years. HEAVILY.

up to 200mg a day. Running through my script within the first couple of weeks and then waiting in torment for my refill. 

I LIVED for adderall. It was my saving grace at first. 

I had dropped out of college at 18. Had no job, no motivation, just got out of an abusive relationship.

Decided to fake ADD and get a script to lose weight and get some motivation.

It helped me to find my passion for baking, get a new job (which i have been at for three years), and go to and complete my baking degree. 

But, i abused it. I binged, i drank loads of alcohol, smoked weed, partied, barely ate or slept.

Needless to say it took its toll. I became paranoid, so depressed, manic, high and low-you get the point.

I came here, tried to quit numerous times, failed.

Tried again, succeeded. 

Here i am nearly a year later, adderall free. I'll be honest, it took some time for me to get my passion back.

I worried i didn't really like baking, that it was just the drugged me that did. I had and still have self doubts, but i let go and never looked back. I am telling you, if i quit you can quit.

I honestly was ready to die on adderall. Didn't care if i did. 

Now i am so grateful i got off of that horrible drug.

My advice to you is to use this site to your advantage. Write a list of all the reasons why you need to quit-because you will forget why you quit once your a week or two sober. You'll romanticize your abuse and only recall the positives.

If you can tell a friend or family member, do so.

Have patience.

Your energy and positivity will return.

Don't expect to do things (your job, school, writing, exercising) at the same crazy high level you did on adderall. That was a drug induced state. A sober human is not naturally that freaking motivated or excited to be working or cleaning all the time. 

Be good to yourself. Do not talk down to yourself. 

With time, you will feel natural happiness again. Your brain needs time to repair the damage. But it will.

You have to be willing to let the drug go completely.

I have faith in you.

I definitely have a "built-in forgetter' now that I've been off adderall for 6 months.  Meaning, all of the reasons why I wanted to quit 6 months ago are completely forgotten.  I wish I had made a list of how I felt, or what was wrong in my life while on adderall, but I didn't.  Sometimes I think only a relapse will help me remember how bad the drug was.  But, I'm reading what other people (like you) have to say about how bad the drug made you/your life, in hopes of remembering some stuff.  Thanks for the post!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now