survived

Quitting Adderall. Progress 9mths later.

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Quitting Adderall has been quite a learning experience. If I would have known that it would be so addictive or that it would take a long time for me to have energy again I would have never touched it. Of course when I was first prescribed Adderall and I asked my Psychiatrist if it were addictive-he said No. I trusted that doctor and ended up in a hole. I quit taking Adderall 9 months ago and I for the most part have most of my life back. My personality is still returning and I'm slowly beginning to feel better. I have a hard time sleeping though because I also quit taking Klonopin. I had been on Klonopin for way too many years and I am now attempting to train my brain to sleep without it. It has been about 7months and I still have sleepless nights.

 

I had been on Adderall for almost 4 years and I originally took about 10mgs and worked my way up to 60mgs daily. The first year was okay, I got a lot of things done and was successful in almost everything I did. By the second year I started experiencing serious mood swings. I wish I could say that was enough to get me to stop but I didn't. As the years passed I became less and less productive to the point that I wasn't really doing anything. I became so physically unhealthy. Hair fell out, I suddendly had acne, extremely thin, and my muscles began to feel stiff. I always felt jittery and extremely anxious, it got to the point that I didn't want to be around any people at all. Mentally, I started to suffer in so many ways and I was getting into arguments with friends and family members. I thought people were crazy and I was suspicious of everyone. To sit back today and think about how paranoid and delusional I had become, it is scary. I wouldn't want to feel that way ever again and I'm so thankful to god that I did not stay that way permanently or develop a mood disorder.

 

Today, I often feel depression, lethargic, the fatigue...and I know if I had that Adderall pill I would have the energy I so desperately want today. But is it enough to get back on those pills? No. As I have begun to mentally and physically heal, I have a connection with others again. I'm slowly repairing my friendships with friends and family members, and I am so sad at all the time I wasted. Time and memories I could never get back. I'm just so grateful that I am here today and sober. Even when I'm having the toughest days and have hardly slept.

 

When I first quit I disposed of bottles that I had stored for myself. I knew it was important to get rid of them, if I expected to truly stay off of them. As for those who feel that they now have trouble getting up in the morning, I feel your pain. In fact, I smoked Cannabis the first few months I got off Adderall to help get me up and going for a couple months. After a couple months, I quit that too. I thought it was better for me to have done that then to touch another prescription medication that was just going to cause me a greater long term issue.

 

Today, I have about a cup of coffee but I try to accept that I may not be too productive and may not do much at all. I still have pressure behind my eyes and the frontal lobe area. Leaving the house to do things is still a huge chore. However, I have faith that I will get better one day and I am currently working on loving myself and accepting all my flaws.

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Awesome to hear you are positive even when things aren't always perfect!

Disposing of your stash is really impressive and displays immense commitment.  I was never able to do that myself.

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Thank you! It was difficult to rid of them but necessary.

 

I think I'm positive today because I can actually feel love now! Also the fact that although I feel crappy half of the time, I also feel the healthiest. :)

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I just counted on my fingers and I am at 9 months and 1 week clean!   Wow...I didn't even notice the time ticking away.  Probably because I was too lazy to glance at a calendar...LOL!  I feel pretty much the same way that you described, but I have found that if it is something really important I can force myself to do it.  I almost ran out of gas because I just wanted to go home and didn't stop.  Stupid, but still better than Adderall addiction. 

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I just counted on my fingers and I am at 9 months and 1 week clean!   Wow...I didn't even notice the time ticking away.  Probably because I was too lazy to glance at a calendar...LOL!  I feel pretty much the same way that you described, but I have found that if it is something really important I can force myself to do it.  I almost ran out of gas because I just wanted to go home and didn't stop.  Stupid, but still better than Adderall addiction. 

Wow! It's nice to read that there is someone else with a similar time frame as me! How are you energy levels? Are you still really fatigue? Congrats on the 9mths! :)

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About three years ago I hit the nine month mark.  Nine months was a pivotal point in my recovery.  My energy levels and motivation improved all at the same time and I began to have a more positive outlook on everything.  I felt like the worst phase of my recovery was behind me and life has just kept getting better since then.  I still have "those days" of mental fog, laziness and/or bad memory, but not too often.  Congratulations to both of you for hitting the nine month mark!

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Congrats on nine months. It might do you some good and read an essay or project that you did on adderall. Addie had a funny way of making everything seem amazing and really productive. The reality was different.

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9 months is amazing, way to go and welcome!

 

Haha ZK - I've read some papers I written on Adderall in college and holy shit, the professor must have thought I was on crack or acid. They make no sense! I sounded like a crazy person.

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I am still tired sometimes, but mostly I don't have a lot of motivation.  It is a mental thing.  I can't get terribly excited about anything.  Especially not exercising or cleaning my bathroom.  LOL.

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Congrats on nine months. It might do you some good and read an essay or project that you did on adderall. Addie had a funny way of making everything seem amazing and really productive. The reality was different.

 

Thank you very much!

 

That's funny you mention reading my writing. I can't bring myself to read all the stuff I wrote on adderall. Especially emails where I responded to important people. *face palm* I've read a couple and it's so mortifying and embrassing! I sound ridiculous and cold at the same time. No wonder friends suddendly started to stay away from me. If I sounded strange in writing, I can't imagine what I sounded like in person.

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9 months is amazing, way to go and welcome!

 

Haha ZK - I've read some papers I written on Adderall in college and holy shit, the professor must have thought I was on crack or acid. They make no sense! I sounded like a crazy person.

Thank you! :)

 

Yes! I can relate to this so much. I think I sounded so ridiculous. I think Professors surely thought I was crazy. At the time, I thought I sounded so smart in my writing too.

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I am still tired sometimes, but mostly I don't have a lot of motivation.  It is a mental thing.  I can't get terribly excited about anything.  Especially not exercising or cleaning my bathroom.  LOL.

Oh yeah I lack motivation. I've only had motivation to hang out with people to be honest, but when the day comes I suddendly am not up to socializing. I really need to stop making plans with others for a while. It is rude for me to continue to "flake". I think I'm going to be like this for a while...no making social plans for me until I get better.

 

It's also difficult to have to explain to friends that I don't have energy to do fun tasks with them. How do you tell a friend that you don't have energy to do things without explaining your past adderall addiction? I can't bring myself to admit this kind of thing to friends.

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About three years ago I hit the nine month mark.  Nine months was a pivotal point in my recovery.  My energy levels and motivation improved all at the same time and I began to have a more positive outlook on everything.  I felt like the worst phase of my recovery was behind me and life has just kept getting better since then.  I still have "those days" of mental fog, laziness and/or bad memory, but not too often.  Congratulations to both of you for hitting the nine month mark!

 I can't wait to be at three years. Thank you for the kind of words of encouragement.

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Oh yeah I lack motivation. I've only had motivation to hang out with people to be honest, but when the day comes I suddendly am not up to socializing. I really need to stop making plans with others for a while. It is rude for me to continue to "flake". I think I'm going to be like this for a while...no making social plans for me until I get better.

 

It's also difficult to have to explain to friends that I don't have energy to do fun tasks with them. How do you tell a friend that you don't have energy to do things without explaining your past adderall addiction? I can't bring myself to admit this kind of thing to friends.

 

I lost some friends because of flaking on events. I even did try to explain the addiction thing but it just got seen as me avoiding hanging out. It is unfortunate, but i've come to realize they were douches.  But at 9 months you should try to do fun things volunteer some effort even if you have to go home early or show up late.  Just try sometimes you catch some energy from the group.  It is counter intuitive to what every fiber being is saying but try and go out try to talk to people. Isolation can feed the depression and lethargy. 

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I tell everyone about my past addiction.  It keeps me accountable and it gives me an excuse for gaining 40 pounds in the last 9 months.  I think people are expecting me to give birth any day now...

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I gained almost 30. I desperately needed the weight on though. I've told a couple family members. When I did that I felt a little bit a relief. I also feel that my experience has me feeling a little more compassion for others.

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I lost some friends because of flaking on events. I even did try to explain the addiction thing but it just got seen as me avoiding hanging out. It is unfortunate, but i've come to realize they were douches.  But at 9 months you should try to do fun things volunteer some effort even if you have to go home early or show up late.  Just try sometimes you catch some energy from the group.  It is counter intuitive to what every fiber being is saying but try and go out try to talk to people. Isolation can feed the depression and lethargy. 

This is true. Thank you.

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I tell everyone about my past addiction.  It keeps me accountable and it gives me an excuse for gaining 40 pounds in the last 9 months.  I think people are expecting me to give birth any day now...

 

I gained about 50 pounds I think.  I quit smoking 9months ago and that didn't help. I was a heavy smoker and ate to cope in the 1st 3 months of non-smoking. I'm working towards the goal of not overeating, eating right and getting exercise daily.  The weight is starting to come off. Just trying to create healthy habits and exercise.  Creating habits that will serve you. In my first year I slept so much it was unreal.  Just do your very best everyday and things will happen.  The motivation will start to come back when you least expect it.  My housework is still a disaster post Adderall I think you just have to accept some clutter. 

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It is easier to accept the house being messy if you aren't motivated to clean anyway.  I am learning how to be cool about things that used to bug the crap out of me. 

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This post makes me :).   Digging backwards, I remember being at 9 months.  It feels like a lifetime ago.  It's a good place to be.  You still have that impending doom at times thinking...."Oh, if i just had some speed, this task would be so much easier."  However, you are starting to feel so good again naturally (or at least this is how I felt), that I realized I like my life better without the insanity of that pill.  Exercising felt amazing.  I remember running and biking basking in the sun.  I remember discovering all kinds of new places in my town I'd never been on my bike (because the whole time I lived there I was at the bars or drinking in the pool).  I remember discovering all new kinds of running routes and new fun adventures. I remember how healthy I felt and happy to finally feel free. And I remember even the times when I would want that pill so bad to clean up my apartment, I would just let it go and clean it anyway.  And maybe it wouldn't be SPOTLESS, but it would be nicer than it was and I would think to myself, "I had to take a pill to pick up this place?  I had to not sleep ever, chain smoke, drink 24 packs of beer, and do massive drugs all to have a clean apartment that really only took like an hour to pick up?  Wow, that drug really had me good." 

 

It's a good day to be clean.  Thanks for sharing. :)

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This post makes me :).   Digging backwards, I remember being at 9 months.  It feels like a lifetime ago.  It's a good place to be.  You still have that impending doom at times thinking...."Oh, if i just had some speed, this task would be so much easier."  However, you are starting to feel so good again naturally (or at least this is how I felt), that I realized I like my life better without the insanity of that pill.  Exercising felt amazing.  I remember running and biking basking in the sun.  I remember discovering all kinds of new places in my town I'd never been on my bike (because the whole time I lived there I was at the bars or drinking in the pool).  I remember discovering all new kinds of running routes and new fun adventures. I remember how healthy I felt and happy to finally feel free. And I remember even the times when I would want that pill so bad to clean up my apartment, I would just let it go and clean it anyway.  And maybe it wouldn't be SPOTLESS, but it would be nicer than it was and I would think to myself, "I had to take a pill to pick up this place?  I had to not sleep ever, chain smoke, drink 24 packs of beer, and do massive drugs all to have a clean apartment that really only took like an hour to pick up?  Wow, that drug really had me good." 

 

It's a good day to be clean.  Thanks for sharing. :)

I can relate to you so much, Liltex. I had also begun to exercise outdoors and it is a real rush! I was missing out on that kind of stuff on Adderall. It feels good to be free from a pill! Thank you for sharing some of your experiences with me!

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I am feeling inspired to head outside for some exercise!  The weather is finally turning warmer, and I am going to go for a walk/jog tonight.  The kids love to go outside and it is a novelty for me to go with them.  Let's do it! 

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@AlwaysAwesome; I started exercising again this week and my mood has improved. Funny how one habit can change everything. So I have happy chemicals going on in my brain again! :) How are you doing? Did you go on your walk? Let's do this!

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