Please help me, for I am a slave to this drug.

[BeverlyM]

Wow. Just... Wow. There aren't even words for how I want to describe how I feel after stumbling upon this website. Ive been addicted to and abused adderall for 12 years. Still do. Hell, I'm on it right now. I cry (like bursting into tears crying) ALL the time BC out of those 12 years, ive been desperately wanting, and trying to quit for the past 8. 8 DAMN YEARS, YALL. And let me tell you somethin... In those 8 years I have moved 29 times, had a different job every few months, couldn't maintain ANY kind of relationship... Basically everything that sucks in life, I have, BC of this drug.

I want to start my story by saying this is going out to those who are in SO deep that the "motivation to study" and "better work-ethic" are all middle school fairy tales. That ended a looooong time ago, and has since been replaced with doing meaningless crap for as long as you want to BC as soon as you feel like there's no point, you take another pill. Honestly, the next hour or 2 it takes to write this will be the most meaningful 2 hours spent on Adderall in at least 5 years. You know what really kills me inside is seeing all of these ppl who are able to quit and have been and I'm literally thinking "I should probably go ahead and tale another half so I can continue to enjoy writing my story. Not only enjoy, but to have motivation of any kind to finish it. As soon as I start coming down, my head fills with "there's no point anyway" thoughts and I wont even care enough to copy what I already wrote and save it. But ill tell ya, when I get my fix in so damn pissed at myself for not saving it that I literally would start hating myself. Leaning only towards taking more pills to feel ok.

I use the term "ok" extremely lightly. There is no ok. I only get my script once a month so the short amount of time it takes me to go through it, I'm thinking ab nothing except how awful its gonna be when I run out. Thinking like this also leads to taking more and more, EVEN THOUGH, that's the underlying issue. It does this BC I can focus on some meaningless shit like a puzzle or a game on my phone FOREVER if I wanted to, and just keep poppin that lil orange pil every time I think a bad thought.

I honestly don't remember the last time I felt happiness without it, but hell, I don't remember the last time I felt happiness with it either.

So, like I said... If you are in as far deep as my sad lil soul has gone and have ANY kind of advice for me.. PLEASE help me. I'm not even living anymore. I'm not even sane half the time. Ive went into an amphetamine psychosis so many times in pretty sure I'm just stuck in it now. It's a miracle ive never had a stroke, I guess. Oh, by the way, I'm 25 years old. Was prescribed Adderall in 3rd grade when I was referred by my teacher. When I was young like that I would lie to my mom and tell her I took my med and never did BC it made me feel like I was dumber than everyone else to have it. It wasn't until ab 9th grade that I started using it to study and do homework and work and all those other REALLY fun things at first. It didn't take long before I was abusing it in order to study, and do homework and all those NORMAL things I couldn't do without Adderall anymore.

Wasn't long after that when I became completely antisocial, locked myself away for hours and hours and hours, hell... DAYS, doing puzzles or playin a game or ANYTHING that's not actually productive at all, but I LOVE the feeling of wanting to do it. I don't know why. But I get scared when I start to come back to reality. I mean, literally frightened. I cry and take another pill and cry some more until it kicks in enough to not think like that anymore.

Yeah, I'm effed up. I'm REALLY effed up. So when I say help me... I'll let you know I'm literally in tears as I type, crying for help.

Im a slave to this drug.

[AlwaysAwesome]

You really aren't a slave, btw.  You can leave it.  You are making yourself an indentured servant.  Let it go...it is possible.

 

It is hard and you will be junk for a while.  But you will find yourself again, I promise.  Tell everyone you know that you have a problem and you are going to quit.  Get rid of the pills and the source...It is so liberating to not wonder what you are going to do when the prescription runs out!  Because the prescription is not there anymore.  It is not an option.  Get plenty of snacks and fluff your pillow.  Rest and let your body recover.  Take walks, if you feel like it, or take naps (more likely).  You can do this.  Come back to this site as many times a day you feel like you need encouragement.   

[Doge]

"Get plenty of snacks and fluff your pillow."

+1

[Doge]

All this talk of snacks and pillows is making me miss those recovery days, which were almost fun in their own strange way.

Anyone interested in a pizza eating contest?  Whoever gains the most weight wins!  I bet I can out eat all of you combined. 

 

*evil laugh*

 

 

[AlwaysAwesome]

I wish I hadn't indulged in those early days...40 pounds came on quick!

[BeverlyM]

Yeah, I would be tellin a big fat lie if I said weight gain isn't one of the main reasons I can't bring myself to quit.

[AlwaysAwesome]

It comes off once you get your motivation back.  But that bullshit they tell you about "it took nine months to gain and it will take that long to come off" doesn't apply to Adderall weight gain, IMHO.  Mainly because there is a serious lack of motivation and energy.  BUT...it gets better and then you can enjoy life again.  For some of us, it had been so long since we were not on Adderall it was like meeting ourselves for the first time!  I keep asking my husband if I was like this before Adderall and he keeps reassuring me that I was.  I don't even remember...  He also keeps telling me that what I am experiencing is what all "normal" (read-not jacked up on addy) people go through every day.  Weird, right? 

 

JUST QUIT TAKING THEM!!!!  Then, deal with it one day at a time.  You can do it and you must do it.  Only you can quit. 

[Doge]

Sorry guys I was really craving an eating binge and was trying to play it off as a joke, and give it a positive spin.

 

It's really only as bad as you let it get.  Plenty of that weight is muscle mass finally returning.

 

My plan was, I would just give myself a buffet ticket and do whatever it took to escape from withdrawals, but also started a really gentle exercise routine.

 

http://growingstronger.nutrition.tufts.edu/images/wallpushup.gif

I swear you can literally start these as early as day one, and even then it feels GOOD.

 

Also this stretch helped so much with my lower back which I'm SURE I did some serious damage too with all those 30 hour periods where I never left the chair.

 

http://www.healthytimesblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/hamstring-stretch.jpg

 

Yeah you'll gain weight, but your shoulders and back will stop hurting and aching all the time; and your posture will improve.  You'll be able to move again and have faith in your body.

 

I'm not trying to sell you a workout routine (sorry if it seems that way) but I'm just trying to say that one day you'll look back and laugh at yourself for letting weight gain get in your way of quitting!

Everything gets better when you quit, if you give it enough time.  Even the apparent negatives turn into positives before long.

[survived]

@bev6146;

I understand that weight gain is a scary thing when quitting, but let me tell you about me...I still weigh less than I did pre-adderall! Gaining a ton of weight is not neccesarilly true! I put on weight that I needed(30lbs) but now I'm at a normal weight for my height and I still weigh less than before adderall! I'm already at my "set" weight. All I've done is continued to go on low paced walks since quitting 11mths ago & I've been able to manage my weight.

 

____________________________________________________________________

Nice! I just noticed my ticker said 11mths!! & I'm feeling fantastic today! I ate a good meal, went to the gym, visited family, spent time with my furpets! I am very happy 11mths in! Oh & my energy is improving!

[survived]

@AlwaysAwesome;

I'm getting to know myself all over again too. Its crazy isnt it? I had forgotten what I was like. Also that Amensia you get once you quit adderall is no fun. I wish everything I learned on it, I hadn't forgotten but oh well right? lol. I also ask my family about what I was like too & if I'm similar to the person I was pre-adderall now.
 

[survived]

@grumpycat;

Seriously same here. I sat everyday for well...almost all day. I've had to work at making my body and my muscles strong again! Our body is thanking us! the first thing that had to go were those pills! Good post.

[BeverlyM]

When I said that, I didn't mean it in a way that if I thought could quit, I still wouldn't BC ill get fat. That's fucked up, and it seems like that's how most ppl took it, but either way.. That's not what I meant. And im always trying to quit. I haven't taken a pill since this am and that doesn't sound like much to yall, but when there's bottle of them starin at me all day, and the fact that I haven't been 12 hours without a pill by CHOICE, in YEARS, its actually real good. And by choice I mean, I didn't run out and sit here miserable for 2 weeks, which is what usually happens till my next script.

[AlwaysAwesome]

I totally didn't quit many times because I didn't want to get fat.  It was the main reason I went back to it so many times before finally coming clean.  F'd up?  Absolutely.

[BeverlyM]

Yes, our stories are very very similar. Maybe we can help each other through this mess.

[Doge]

I kept taking them and got crazier and crazier til I was driving to get a pack of ciggarettes and I don't even smoke.
 

I hear that.  And then I'd smoke the pack in 3 hours and go get more.  Disgusting. 

 

Just like you, I don't even smoke!

[BeverlyM]

That's so weird to me, to hear that from everyone. And I always have, so I guess I'm the weird one lol but I always QUIT smoking when I start taking them abusively. I don't even think ab a cigarette until I start to run out.

[Doge]

Yeah it probably matters whether you smoked or not before you started using.