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Knows_Better

Stuck in hell

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I am not this person. ... I guess none of us are the person adderall makes us..

I am 32 years old with 3 kids. I am a nice person and love puppies and rainbows..and all the other things in supposed to....

I am also an addict. Always .. Whether it's speed.. Opiates.. Shopping or going to church. If one is good 5 is better...

I have suffered from 4 chronic illnesses that cause debilitating fatigue and severe pain for years. I was addicted to pain pills becuae they made me feel good and have energy. I was able to kick that finally after 4 years.

But I was exhausted again . it was a problem.. I sought an easy solution. My son has ADHD I have refused to medicate him because I couldnt justify giving my child speed. And non stimulats never worked.

Long story short.. I knew better.. But I went to his Dr. And said I would finally go ahead and give him the adderall. my son has never touched his script... That was not my intention of course.

But Even at the increased dosage that I demanded eventually.. It wasn't enough... So I started buying IR 10s from the street. First from the college kid down the street.. Then that wasn't enough. So I decided I'd go to get my own prescription.

I walked in to the clinic.. Charmed the Dr. As every addict can do so well.. She asked so what medication would you like? Well.. I'll take Adderall XR.. I'll start with 20 mgs. It was almost like ordering ice cream with sprinkles... So off to the pharmacy..

A month later I'm running out of both scripts. My son's is 30 15mg XR.. Mine is 30 20mg XR.

I got my son's Dr to give him a script for 10mg dose of IR because the XR was wearing off " Which she did of course...

So again .. I find myself in the filthy slums of Philadelphia's Kensington ave.. Parked under the L in my brand new suburban with the soccer mom sticker.. Heart beating out of my chest worried about getting arrested .. Robbed.. Or worse. I meet the dealer

. give him 100 bucks for 5 30mg pills. (yeah.. Stupid)

When I haven't been able to get to my dealer.. I have also tried coke from another guy that's closer... Didn't care for it. So proud of that in some twisted sense...

I've been using aids to potentiate in order to cut down. So now that has even stopped working.

Yesterday ..

Morning dose :45 mg xr.

Boost at 2 pm :40 mg ir with sodium bicarb and caffeine pills.

Dragging at 6pm so another 50 mgs ir with caffeine and smart water. Then more bicarb..

Then I crashed so hard at 11pm and went to sleep.

When I started this.. Well you all know how it is... Esp after having illnesses that left me unable to get out of bed and have a life.. I was full of energy .. Able to be the single super mom .. Up all night.. sometimes days.. Never eating.. Lost a ton of weight..made new friends.. Actually enjoyed my life and my kids..

And now... I'm hungry despite dosing all day.. Agitated.. My heart flip flops and starting beating so strangely that I wonder if I will die right then..

My productivity and daily ass kicking of my outrageous to do lists has gone.. I am now down to sitting in a chair for hours perfecting my twitter bio.

I'm afraid this will kill me before I can stop...

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Welcome to the board. We have all been here and totally understand. Your posts sounds like you are experiencing some high anxiety, eat a sandwich, drinks some tea, have some water. Breath. Have a snickers bar...your not your self haha.  

 

Once the panic has passed, take some time and read some of the articles on this site and make a list of reasons to quit adderall.  We are here to be supported and support.  Getting off adderall is easy if you know how. But right now just focus on coming down.   

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My productivity and daily ass kicking of my outrageous to do lists has gone.. I am now down to sitting in a chair for hours perfecting my twitter bio.

 

Oh god have I ever been there.  I used to take one, work for about an hour, take another one, and next thing I knew I was going through a months worth of a script in two days play video games for 39 hours straight.

 

You can stop if you want to and we're all here to help, best place to start is to go easy on yourself.

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I appreciate the support.. Thank you.

I made a little progress and didn't redose last night like usual.. Had an energy drink instead. Truth be told it was that moment of when you're overwhelmed with fear/anxiety because the bottle is almost empty .. But I didn't take any.. I will read as much as I can from here and look forward to chatting more .

Thank you

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Your story is so similar to many of ours.  I am a mom of 2, and although I never took any of my daughter's meds, I did think about it many times.  It made me so ashamed just to think about doing it.  I hate looking back on how my life was when the pharmacy was out of my prescription and I had to wait several days (!) for it to come in.  11 months ago I decided to stop the horrible roller coaster ride of addiction.  Best choice ever!  Yesterday was my first mother's day without Adderall in over 6 years!  I took a nap, because I have a cold, and just hung out with the family.  Take it easy on yourself.  The drug has a hold on you.  You can quit, you just have to do it.  Just stop.  Tell everyone that you are an addict and you are quitting.  That is the hardest part.  I believe it is the only way.  Good luck, but remember that the ride can't go on this way forever.  You have to stop sooner or later, and it should be on your terms.  Take back the power. 

 

Welcome and hang in there! 

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I screwed up.... I hadn't had anything in a few days .. Feels like an eternity... I was alright yesterday.. Until last night when anxiety hit... But I was able to distract myself .. I went to bed and had the most insane dreams I've ever remembered having .. And I felt like I was awake ... And I woke up exhausted this morning. I haven't felt that in so long. My house is falling apart.. Dishes laundry just everything needs to be done... And I couldn't keep my head up I was so tired.. I freaked out and it just so happens that my pdoc appt was today....

So I screwed up and went to the appt. Its amazing to me .. I thought I would feel normal again.. But the truth is ... I am still tired and I have a migraine now.

I took 3 xs my prescribed dose 3 hours ago with all the add ons.. 60mg of xr

And I DONT EVEN FEEL IT

In fact. I feel my headache. My face is hot from the rise in BP.

Why am I doing this to myself...

I am going to get some L Tyrosine and try that... I took it before and it helped me with the opiates.

I gotta get off the ground

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I screwed up.... I hadn't had anything in a few days .. Feels like an eternity... I was alright yesterday.. Until last night when anxiety hit... But I was able to distract myself .. I went to bed and had the most insane dreams I've ever remembered having .. And I felt like I was awake ... And I woke up exhausted this morning. I haven't felt that in so long. My house is falling apart.. Dishes laundry just everything needs to be done... And I couldn't keep my head up I was so tired.. I freaked out and it just so happens that my pdoc appt was today....

So I screwed up and went to the appt. Its amazing to me .. I thought I would feel normal again.. But the truth is ... I am still tired and I have a migraine now.

I took 3 xs my prescribed dose 3 hours ago with all the add ons.. 60mg of xr

And I DONT EVEN FEEL IT

In fact. I feel my headache. My face is hot from the rise in BP.

Why am I doing this to myself...

I am going to get some L Tyrosine and try that... I took it before and it helped me with the opiates.

I gotta get off the ground

 

You are on high doses of a very powerful drugs. Your first weeks off the drug are going to be a crash landing. You will need lots of sleep. Tapering down might be an option , tho I've found this to be difficult. Many people take wellbutrin for the 1st few months. You should prepare for the crash, your body simply needs sleep and this is a key part of the recovery process.

 

You may need to trade your Super Mom cape for a blanket for a little while. As a bachelor I can't advise you on how to do this. Quitting Adderall meant relearning how I approach projects. On adderall you binged on projects, off adderall you have to break projects into small actionable items.

 

 If you factor in the time wasted chasing script, crashes and obsessing over stupid details. You are loads more productive off adderall. But it will take some practice and technique.  You will also have to accept  some disorder. 

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I wish I could taper ... I have told myself that and actually believed it for a mere moment ... Thank you ... I know you are right 😌

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Tell your family.  My husband and kids knew that I stopped my medicine and I was tired for a very long time.  My house is still not where I want it to be.  BUT, have you ever watched Hoarders?  Those people have kids and the kids adapt to that mess.  They can live with the dishes not being done right away and a pile of clean laundry.  I dig through my pile to find clothes all the time.  I just can't bring myself to fold and hang clothes...

 

I play with the kids more.  I laugh more.  I smile and listen to their stories.  I am engaged. 

 

It just takes will power and time.  Sleep and snacks.  Determination.  You CAN do this.  You MUST do this.  You are not the best mom you can be when you are worrying about this.  You can't be.  We don't have to be perfect.  I think that is the thing which is hardest for me to overcome.  The need to be perfect and have everything fall neatly into line...as if it ever really did.   

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Thats exactly how I feel.. For once everything was perfect even if it was not real... Sure seemed so...

I am ashamed to say that I've never felt better/happier/stronger ... Than the first few months binging on this crap...

Everyone was so happy .. I was no longer spread thin... I was accomplishing everything for everyone and everything I touched shined. I had no limits.

I went from sleeping 12 plus hours a day and being lethargic the rest of the time. To having super powers.

Yesterday .. Even though I didn't feel much from the meds... I was still able to harness the "brain power" on some level and I have a sort of plan coming together...

There are alternatives.. Combinations that may work.. My doctors wanted to try new AD meds that help with other symptoms like nerve pain etc.. Perhaps one that boosts dopamine Wil help also with fatigue... I need to do research....

I have to face the fact that I am sick. My body is broken and I haven't been able to find a Dr that can fix it. I am supposed to have my blood work done at least every month bc I'm on Coumadin for a blood clotting disorder...I have not had it done or seen my rheumatologist since my last surgery in AUGUST.... So I may be in trouble there... I'm scared bc I haven't seen any other doctors since I started this.. I just quit everything. And I have life threatening illnesses. I guessbi felt invincible....

I am not sure why this is... And if anyone has any thoughts to this please share.... I haven't really slowed down enough to realise this but I haven't been to any doctor other than for adderall since January. Had to be in pain managment and take 13 prescriptions including potent narcotics. I was able to quit and have had very little pain while on adderall.

I dropped out of pain management without a word to anyone..

So this was an added "miracle" to me... I am so curious how /why this is... I had to have 3 surgeries last year and 2 sacral nerve simulators implanted for pain. Down to nothing for pain...

I know it's not in my head... Anyone ever hear of adderall for pain management?

Just curious..

It's ironic.. My last visit to my rheumatologist last year... I told him to give me provigil or something .. Anything.. I cried and told him I can't take anymore and if he didn't help me .. My exact words were " I can't live like this anymore , if I have to go buy speed off the streets I will do it" his reaction was " let's get some more blood work"

I never went back... Wonder what he would say now...

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I have a fibromyalgia type muscle pain issue.  Have had it all my life.  IN the beginning, Adderall helped.  But, the years of little sleep and not taking care of myself made the pain worse.  Adderall stopped working for that, too.  Nowadays, I just work through it with the benefit of ibuprofen.  Exercise and plenty of rest, plus quitting wheat, most grains and sugar, help me to not ache all the time.  Wheat causes inflammatory processes in the body which are very damaging.  Sugars (and anything which the body turns in to sugar) create small particle lipids in the body.  I have a Lipoprotein (a) 5-6 times normal.  I don't want to die young of a massive heart attack with "perfect cholesterol".  Look into dietary solutions.  We are what we eat, thus we are chemicals and crap mostly... 

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I wish I could taper ... I have told myself that and actually believed it for a mere moment ... Thank you ... I know you are right

 

Most can't.  I couldn't control it. If I had pills I took em untill they were gone,  then I would crash eat an entire pizza and crash some more.  Any pizza can be a personal sized pizza if you just believe in yourself. 

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Very true...

You know ... I had the very best of intentions ... All I wanted was to feel normal.. To have normal energy and motivation .. Focus and memory...

I do believe I have mild adhd. My son and daughter both have it BAD.. And I also have that fog from fibro that made me loopy... Almost burning the house down bc of forget dinner and go shopping... Or lose my keys every single day ... Panicking bc I've lost my cell phone while not realizing that I'm talking on it... I was a joke.

I never wanted to get high ... Fully intended to be responsible ... I was kidding myself I know but for the most part my intentions were pure...

Last night I was lying in bed unable to sleep with a massive headache and my mouth and throat burning and sore from the involuntary swallowing/jaw clenching/thrusting etc. Exhaustion had hit me suddenly like a mack truck. All I can think about was what happened to that amazing feeling and how much I want it back .. Staying up all night to conquer the world , feeling like I had the sun radiating from within me .. It was the most glorious feeling I've ever had and I want it back!!!!!

But it's over ... And although I'll forever regret it .. And I'm scared that it's damaged my heart or other things ... Was fun while it lasted

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Was it really that fun?  I had headaches and jaw pain the whole time I was on it.  That nasty feeling of being tired, but unable to sleep.  Not being able to come up with the words to hold a decent conversation.  UGH, terrible.  No, it really wasn't fun at all... 

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I agree with you.. Its a love hate relationship for sure.. There have been days where even I'd I wanted to eat , I couldn't BC my mouth hurt so bad from jaw pain and my tongue hurt SO bad at times.. I kept saying wow it feels like I bit my tongue .. All over..

Then after a while I would catch myself .. Jaw clinched like a vice grip , and I realized wow. I AM literally biting my tongue .. One night I remember I couldn't sleep bc my mouth was so dry .. I ended up soaking a paper towel in water and sleeping with it BC I had to have something to keep my mouth moist. But it still didn't work . and I couldn't be dehydrated after drinking gallons of water... so crazy!

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AlwaysAwesome... Sorry I missed one of your resomses , didn't even see it .. About the fibro/food etc

I can say that one of the good things that I have taken from this is I feel much more confident therefore motivated to eat healthier. In the big picture , it probably doesn't amount to a hill of beans , and any healthy habits I've picked up have been negated by the speed consumption.. But once that stops I hope to take away the new habits... I've stopped drinking anything but water , and I had a major diet coke/ red bull problem ... So that's a plus ...

second I've quit smoking cigarettes which I have tried to quit for many years . now I can't stand the smell .

And I'm SO much more self aware once the adderall wears off ... I am eating healthy and cutting out bad carbs and all sugar.

So I will continue taking the L tyrosine that I started yesterday ... Starting my power walks this evening.. And who knows ... Maybe I'll become "addicted" to being /staying healthy 😆

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YAY!  I hope that you do become addicted to a healthy lifestyle.  I haven't been able to make the habit stick consistently, but it is getting better day by day.

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I'm sorry to hear that these things have happened. Adderall take you down a dark road, and even when your happy the dark clouds are always hanging above your head. I completely understand being an 'All or nothing" kind of person. An addicted personality is a gift and a curse. There was a quote I'm sure everyone has heard. "Everything in moderation, even moderation". So when you begin your journey try mapping out exactly what you want, and begin by taking small steps. Through my own experience I found just because your resting at night, doesn't mean your getting HEALTHY SLEEP. First things first, make sure your getting good sleep, there's an app for that lol. Second, this one is the most important, try getting some form of exercise, this will of course help with fatigue. I'm not saying go to the gym for hours, just even small gains per day will reflect results. One step at a time. You can get through this! Here is a thought, the 100 dollars you spent on the 5 30mgs use that to treat your self when lets say you reach the 3 week make. It all goes back to the "everything in moderation, even moderation"; so get out there and treat yourself to something and gain perspective on how better a 100 dollars is than 5 30mgs. Also, I found ACUPRESSURE really helps a lot with how you feel. There are so many helpful videos on youtube. Stay strong, and congrats on making the first step

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Shambo I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so trapped right now.  Just don't forget it's not too late

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