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back2life

how did it begin for you?

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Hi,

First of all,I wanna say  thank you, and I love all of you!!!

 

second,

 

I wanted to share my own and hear other's experiences of how it began for them, what were the initial triggers, reasoning, etc....

 

 

It was 5 LONG years ago and I fell in love for the first time with a man who was very successful ( or so I thought) and goal oriented. I at time I was very much " be bold, be yourself";....... but by being myself I never felt like I was enough for him.  I needed to be  thinner, prettier, funnier, sexier, the list goes on and on.

and so a friend told me about this ADHD-Adderall drug that would make me be all I ever wanted to be.

I went to a psychiatrist; and since I was 19 and in college got prescribed 10 mg/day.

I love it at first, well you know how it goes, and then it turned on me.

I am sure my story isn't the most profound or meaningful,

BUT, now looking back, my insecurities fueled my use/misuse/abuse......

 

what was it for you?

 

 

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It all began for me when I had become friends with a bunch of successful college graduates. I began to compare myself to their success. I made the mistake of comparing my chapter 1 to their chapter 20. Anyway, I had read about Adderall helping with college studies and that is why I ran to to the doctor's to get my own prescription.

 

At first I was only meant take it for studying but I noticed it helped with weight loss, so that was another motivator. I worked out so hard at the gym...and Adderall finally gave me that perfect bikini body I always wanted. Thing is, I was finally comfortable in a bikini but miserable. I couldn't even have fun at the beach on Adderall! So all these fun things I did, looking fantastic and slim and for what? Adderall had me in a grumpy mood and I couldn't just sit back, relax and enjoy myself. :wacko:

 

So I agree yes lots of insecurities and Adderall helped for a while on a bunch of them.

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Losing weight was definitely an attraction for me too.

I love how you said you couldn't even enjoy your "perfect beach body" I felt the same way. Part of me always felt like it wasn't sustainable

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Yeah the weight loss is huge for a lot of people-for me it helped fuel my eating disorder. I would take it and not eat the whole day, then I would come off it and binge like crazy. The scary thing is that Vyvanse (which is the drug I was addicted to the longest) is now being used to treat binge eating disorder. That to me is so dangerous and scary.

 

The academic part was also a huge pull for me. I am a perfectionist and felt like I needed to complete everything and do all the readings during grad school and write every single paper perfectly.

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Definitely insecurities for me too. I took it primarily to study In a competitive and often cut throat school environment, and I thought I had ADD..so I felt my taking it was justified.

but because it made me feel invincible...it fueled even more an insecurity to be perfect. I was juggling extracurriculars, internships, an overloaded course schedule and I felt I achieved what I thought was perfect at the time, of course I loved the ease of weight loss but that wasn't my primary motive. But the common thread of the quest to fulfill insecurities definitely was.

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I had a friend who was taking it and she was a size 0.  I didn't need to lose a lot of weight, but I thought it would be great to tackle my lifelong ADD issue and lose some weight in the process.  It was amazing at first, but...well you all know the rest of that story. 

 

Survived, you are almost at one year.  What are you going to do to celebrate? 

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Today I am 2 months clean, the longest 2 months of my life.

My heart goes out to everyone who's ever attempted/succeeded at staying off this or other ahdh drugs

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Congrats on two months in! I just re-read your post about your cravings. You've gone from not getting past 10 days to making it to two months today and you haven't ran to the doctors to get a script....I think this is something worth celebrating.

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2 months is a huge milestone!!  buy yourself something! or celebrate somehow you deserve it!!!

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Congratulations and great job!  You are almost to the top of the hill.  Hang in there and it does start to get easier.  You will see, because you can do this!

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