CatsAreBetterThanDrugs

A letter to my old self

10 posts in this topic

I just got done watching a move called Animals. It was about a couple living out of their car and they are addicted to heroine. This movie gave me chills so bad, and I was crying so hard at the end of it. After watching movies about addiction, or shows such as Intervention. I end up feeling a lot less lonely, and I have the urge to never go back to using drugs again. I am 51 days sober now, and I still cannot believe I can say that. I've never in my life felt this good. I just started going to the gym and I start my new job in one week. 

 

There are things I didn't even know I missed... I prayed to God so many times to just make me sick after taking adderall, or just make me feel like I don't enjoy it anymore. I struggled so bad, and I've burned so many bridges. But I finally feel like God did answer my prayers, because I've never felt so alive. My head is so clear, and the best part of it all, I don't even crave it... I never thought I'd go a day without having that urge in the back of my mind. 

 

This new freedom is the best feeling i've ever experienced. If I could write a letter to the old me. It'd go something like this.

 

Dear Emily,

 

You do not need a drug to feel love. You do not need a chemical to get through every day. You do not need to depend on a pharmacist to make you happy. You can find happiness all on your own, and hell you could get a good nights sleep doing it!! 

 

Trust me the drugs are not worth it. Leaving him was not worth it. Spending your mothers money on pill is NOT WORTH IT. Stop now before you ruin everything. It will get better. You will find other ways to feel naturally high. You can be in love again, without the drug. You can go days without messing it all up. You really have the potential to be everything you've ever wanted to be. Emily stop swallowing those pills. They cannot cure you. It didn't work for your dad. It won't work for you.... When you get to the end of the finish line, you won't regret it. Leaving the drug will be the best and the hardest thing you'll ever do. Cuz remember, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Jen your counselor told you that... and don't forget it. 

 

Now get your shit together....

 

P.S. adderall will never love you back.... he will.

 

Sincerely,

 

The sober you.

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Congrats on 51 days sober, that is a great start! Whatever you do, don't ever go back, it will continue to turn on you from here on out no matter how tempting it may seem, and any cravings (physical and psychological) DO get better over time.

I read a TON of addiction memoirs and watched addiction movies like (the lost weekend, smashed etc) I can't tell you how therapeutic that was for me. I really recommend you reading On Speed. I've recommended it to a bunch of people on this site and everyone likes it. It will give you a whole new perspective on amphetamines.

If you felt a sense of relief watching Animals(a film I need to check out) I guarantee you will continue to find relief reading and watching more.

Check out this link to an earlier thread

http://forum.quittingadderall.com/topic/123-book-list-dealing-with-adderall-abuse/

Keep it up!

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"adderall will never love you back"  <---  so true but I would never admit it during those dark days

 

Congrats on all your sober time!!!!  You are doing great!

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51 days!  Great job.  I remember that the two month mark was hard, but the easy slide began right after that.  It stopped calling to me, you know?  Hang in there and congratulations on getting to the gym.  I just started working out again last month (at 10 months clean).  I am impressed  that you are having the motivation to get moving so early in your recovery. 

 

I love the letter.  If only we could go back and talk to ourselves before taking that first pill...  I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't have stopped me, though. 

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I love this. Your letter can probably help someone who's reading and thinking of quitting too. I could very much relate to it too. Thanks for sharing and congrats on 51 days. :)

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Love this!!! You are so right and what's so awesome is watching you come out of this fog.  It's like you've been trapped in a dark hole and you saw the light and walking towards it.  :)   It will keep getting better and better!  Wow, I am so proud of you and so happy for you!!!

 

I do love what your counselor said too. Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes.   "I'm not telling you it's going to be easy. I'm telling you it's going to be worth it."  - Art Williams 

 

:)

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Wow thank you guys so much!!! I love getting recommendations for movies and books about addition, so if you have more please let me know :) 

 

And yeah it hasn't been easy but it is SO worth it. I feel like I should be like a year clean, cuz a year ago was when I got my last script. But all those dumb relapses fucked me up. But at least now I can honestly say I haven't done adderall in 53 days. I've been trying for a year, so that's probably why it was easy for me to get this motivation to start working out and getting my shit together right away. 

 

But I absolutely love your responses. I couldn't stop smiling when I read them. Your words touch my heart and I've never felt like I had anyone to talk to about this besides my counselor and my boyfriend. But my boyfriend does his best,  but sometimes what an addict needs is to talk with other addicts. And this website is seriously my savior. Because we got sucked into the same drug. Heroin or Meth addicts would be quick to judge and say something like "oh jeez you got addicted to adderall? Please thats baby shit".... so i'm so glad this website exists. Soooo glad! I feel that no matter what you're addicted to... it still has the potential to ruin lives. 

 

Thank you for being there for me... Thank you so much <3 

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Thank God we all stopped with the "baby shit"...I feel for the "heavy drug" addicts.  This is so difficult for us so, I can't imagine what they go through...

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You are not your past. Keep moving forward. Write this letter and burn it, you don't need to feel guilty. Congrats! 

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