Katers

Adderall and Eating Disorders

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Hi there--

I'm 6 months sober from adderall.  I used adderall to avoid a pretty severe eating disorder (binge eating/bulimia) which has come back in full force now that I've stopped taking stimulants.  I'm miserable right now..terribly unhappy with my weight and with my body image.  I am basically suffering from an eating disorder addiction as opposed to suffering from a drug addiction.

 

I guess the question I keep asking myself lately is..what's more painful? Living day-to-day with an eating disorder and terrible body image? Or living day-to-day dependent upon stimulants?

 

If anyone can relate to my situation, I would love to connect.  Thanks for hearing me out :-)

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Stillbreathing. I haven't been on this site in months but I just came on because I am struggling again. I too am bulimic. Have been for nearly 9 years. I am 22. I dabbled with adderall in my early teen years and that's when the anorexia set in. Then when I was about 19 I got a prescription for adderall and fully abused it. I have been sober for over one year but lately have been struggling with my bulimia again. All I can think about lately is adderall. It's been so do long I barely remember all the negative effects it had. Addicts amnesia. I even arranged to buy 50 dollars worth of Molly next week just in the hopes that I can spend one day not focusing on food. I know how hard it is. God I truly do know. After quitting adderall I began smoking more weed. Granted, I smoked on adderal but it didn't make me binge. Now. I usually smoke and binge. Or I drink (almost every night ) and binge. I haven't gained that much but the extra 5-7 lbs kills me. I miss the adderall high and I know I shouldn't. I know me on adderall was worse than me now. There has to be a way to combat this horrible cycle. Please message me and I'll be of any help I can be. Xoxox

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Hey! I am a recovering anorexic who was severely addicted to adderall. Most of the time, I do blame my ED for my adderall addiction because they were the perfect combo. Ugh. So annoying. I just want to let you know that those two options (terrible body image vs. stimulant dependence) are NOT your only options! When I first quit adderall about a year and two months ago, I also started recovering from anorexia. I gained 40 pounds and my eating disorder thoughts quadrupled. I definitely thought about killing myself over the weight gain. I can't lie. BUT. after a year, it's getting better. After FINALLY having a clear mind to think, I remembered why I wanted to recover in the first place..

I started taking a nutrition class about 8 months into recovery and learned so much. Even about having more energy and motivation to combat the ever tempting effects of adderall. That really helped me realize how much I was actually messing up my body and quite honestly scared me to never go back to restricting. I also have to admit that really no progress would have been made without Jesus. I was never "religious," but Thankfully I heard the gospel and got saved just as I hit my rock bottom. Popping 6 pills a day and not eating. Lying on the floor with a rapidly beating heart ready to stop pumping at any moment. Who wants that? Only He could give me hope.

Each day that passes, it does get better. Eating disorders are evil and I'm so sick of it controlling my life. And I'm sure you are too. Get a journal. Write all your thoughts. Remember the times you asked yourself "Why do I have to do this?!" You are worth recovery!!

Also-- congrats on the 6 months!! That is amazing. Don't give up!! Sorry.... I know this is a long post but I wanted to give you hope because it is possible to recover and I know that at my 6 month mark, I was asking myself the same things you are asking now. From adderall AND from an eating disorder-- it is possible to recover. Just try to constantly remind yourself of why you want to do this. Trust me-- the recovery will always outweigh going back to the miserable life of living in an ED. There is a Facebook group called "I am worth recovery" and it is a safe and supportive place to just vent about ED struggles and share quotes and inspiration and stuff. You should join :)

I hope you feel better <3

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Thank you both so much for your posts.  I can relate to both of you guys.  I can't stop thinking about food, and I can stop thinking about Adderall.  Both ruin my life equally, and I do feel like I want to die sometimes.  

 

I will take your advice and try to hang in there.  I thought that things were supposed to get easier in sobriety, but gaining this weight and struggling each day to keep weight off , without the help of adderall---it's so hard, and there's just nothing worse than that.  It makes me sooo depressed.  It doesn't help that I'm unemployed right now, and have nothing to think about but my body.  The fact that adderall is a quick fix to get skinny again is just so tempting.  I feel like I'm going to give in at any moment.  It's like I'd do anything to be thin again...even if it meant relapsing.

 

All i can do is take this day by day...and today I'm not going to give in to stimulants, I'm going to stay the course. 

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Thank you both so much for your posts.  I can relate to both of you guys.  I can't stop thinking about food, and I can stop thinking about Adderall.  Both ruin my life equally, and I do feel like I want to die sometimes.  

 

I will take your advice and try to hang in there.  I thought that things were supposed to get easier in sobriety, but gaining this weight and struggling each day to keep weight off , without the help of adderall---it's so hard, and there's just nothing worse than that.  It makes me sooo depressed.  It doesn't help that I'm unemployed right now, and have nothing to think about but my body.  The fact that adderall is a quick fix to get skinny again is just so tempting.  I feel like I'm going to give in at any moment.  It's like I'd do anything to be thin again...even if it meant relapsing.

 

All i can do is take this day by day...and today I'm not going to give in to stimulants, I'm going to stay the course.

Don't give in. You can get to your body goals without adderall. I know how hard is and I know it's just so much easier with a stimulant,but it is possible. We just need to focus on eating clean and treating our bodies with respect. On adderall we may become bone thin again,but we also will be killing our insides and our outs. You don't want to be thin and decrepit. Adderall abuse will ruin or skin. Hair. All our outside appearances. We can be thin and healthy without any drugs helping. I have faith in that

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ED is worse.  You can't think like you can make a trade or try to leverage and displace another addiction.

 

Edit:  I read the other posts but don't see this mentioned. Short term recovery with ED is psychologically stressful: bloating, retention, maybe parotid swelling.  It is hard to ignore when initially trying to break free, especially if you think adderall would help.   It passes quickly so just think it is like a couple of bad pimples or something.    

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I feel like I'm going to give in at any moment.  It's like I'd do anything to be thin again...even if it meant relapsing.

 

 

 

I can SO relate to this. So, so much. Like, I've worked harder in the last year to stay off Adderall than on anything else ever, yet the discomfort from being in a body that is not thin is nearly unbearable. However, from my experience in the world and also in eating disorder treatment, I have found that the discomfort is a lot worse on days that I FEEL depressed, anxious and have nothing to show for my self-esteem. It is more bearable to live in my current body on days when I do things that make me feel good-- doing something productive, practicing yoga, dressing in flattering clothes that I feel confident in, making a healthy meal, being of service to others, etc. I don't know if that helps, but I just wanted to identify and offer ideas as to what helps me. 

 

I just noticed we both live in Boston! Feel free to PM me if you ever want to meet up. I'm also unemployed and currently struggling with that, so I get it. 

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