5 Years of Betrayal to My Soul

[Virginia 14]

We all know the basics of this post....school, work, kids, LIFE! Overwhelmed, no energy or motivation..etc, etc. So ill leave that there...

 

It was 4 months after I had my first child. I was all the above and needed (what I now know to be a better diet, excercise, maybe some vitamins and a little bit more time recovering from growing another human being inside of my body!) some help. My general practitioner is also my OB/GYN so he knew me already and put me on 10mg ir.

 

Skip two months to when I left "baby daddy" and moved in with my mother (I was 21) I was VERY happy. I pretty much hated her father so the move and separation was nothing but I found myself stressed out again! So lets bump me up to 20mg ir now...

 

Year or two go by...when I didn't take it I had MAJOR anger fits. I was told I was bi-polar in the 6th grade by some professional my mother took me to so it's not hard to believe from their perspective but I NEVER had issues like this. I was afraid of myself.

 

30mg now (all increases were doctor prescribed) Now the issues have blossomed. So ill try to "summarize".

 

Cleaning like a crack head all day and ignoring the things that matter most. Not just my child tugging on my shirt or my friends wanting me to put down the pine sol long enough to have lunch at the local mexican restaurant (one of my favs in high school, not just the food but the fellowship). But the fact that the counters need wiped not scrubed and who cares if under the couch has a crumb or two, vacuum the damn floor and leave under the couch for when you 2 year old isn't wanting to play you ignorant, blind bitch.

 

I took 5 college classes while pregnant before adderall was ever introduced to me. 4 A's and 1 B. Took 4 more online classes and had my girl at MIDTERMS the next semester. 3 A's 1 B ..No Addys...not a damn one.

 

I haven't made an A or B in a class since.

 

Alcohol, bars, party party party, addys addys addys, CLEAN, LEARN! Epically do something in the most EPICALLY EPIC WAY POSSIBLE!!!!

 

Then two things happened. My mom filed for full custody and my best friend told me he was in love with me.

 

I made an EPIC turn but the real life kind. I dropped everything, got put on Zoloft and Klonopins (not even gonna try to spell that one). And I took that extra step with my then BFF but now husband.

 

House, 2nd Baby Girl, Marriage (a little backwards but who cares)

 

Put back on 20mg ir for school...same shit just a bigger house to clean. No major bar hopping or alcohol. Just an extreme drive to make myself SUPER by having a spot less house and straight As.

 

Switched to 20mg extended now. Thats where we are today (26 yeas old). I take 2 and a half times as much because my tolerance is soooo high. Girls are 5 and 2. Same shit but now it's taking a toll on my body.

 

Numb feet, MAJOR anxiety (have it without addys but worse with them), CANNOT SLEEP. I laid in bed last night, eyes closed, no phone and prayed...two hours later i'm still laying there. I can feel my body falling asleep but my mind will NOT. Heart feels weaker everyday, I can't breath.

 

With addys I smoke a pack a day but without I smoke NOTHING, no cravings or nicotine withdrawl AT ALL. The adderall is addicted to nicotine, not me. It goes to show that shit has a mind of its own!

 

It's like it creeps in and says "Hi I'm YOU and this is what we care about today!" and your soul is shouting "Get it off of me! It's crushing me! We don't care about that!" Addys - "Take a little more of me and that whinny bitch will shut up and we can get back to being SUPERHUMAN!" Soul - "I lost my passion! What did you let it do to my passion that was MINE! I can't find it or myself or what I love, miss, invison, hope for, value, cherish or or or what interest me and captivates me!! What about God the Holy Spirit and Jesus...you forgot about them and how much they use to mean to you!" Addys - "That soul thing is hindering our awesomness, she is messy and unorganized and whatever that bull shit 'creative' crap is, and she stops to often to acknowlege her children! 50mg XR won't hurt!! Oh but the 20 cigarette breaks are not distractions...I..I mean we need those!" Soul - "You betrayed me, you let it win and now it has taken my place. I'll leave so you can be ALL that you and addys want to be. Just remember I love you and they could care less."

 

I use to love myself and life. I had an outook that most coudn't imagine. I was just so in love with life and my soul. (Not in an egotistical way) But I let adderall replace that and now I feel as if my soul has left. ...THIS RIGHT HERE is where and why I believe my physical body started crying. Now that I've let it destroy my inner most being lets move on to the outter physical spectrem. Like a damn virus...like fucking CANCER! "Oh, your light headed are you? It's ok just smoke another cig and pop about 10 more mg and you'll be fine!" NO THE FUCK I WON'T! I LOST THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ME BUT I REFUSE TO LET YOU PHYSICALLY KILL ME (that's middle ground me Bout time that bitch showed up!

 

I breaking up with adderall and going to find my lost love. Me. ...Plants, art, nutrition (I know right..), anything creative, reading...like GOT or Christian related....I remember bits and pieces...but most of it left when I betrayed my soul. But that ok because I'm going to find her with the help of an amazing family, friends, two little loves, husband who is more than I could ask for and of course my wonderful, forgiving and loving God!

[CarpeDiem! 148]

Wow. We have gone through some pretty similar times. I'm on day 32 adderall and cig free. I only did one with the other, and I'm so glad to be off of both. I miss neither one. The fog is slowly lifting, and as I go for a run, or sit down with my little girl to a long and laughter filled meal that I actually enjoyed eating, or just relaxed, I'm reminded of how glad I am to be getting my old self back. Good for you to recognize that change needs to happen. Good luck â¤ï¸

[AlwaysAwesome 777]

You will be fine.  Let it go and you will be fine.  Your story is so familiar to all of us.  You are among kindreds and friends.

[carock84 15]

Virginia that was a very powerful read and everyone is different in our own way with addiction but we are all so a like.  Keep your head up and like me time and patience a long with relapses bug me to pieces but what I read today doing some spiritual research I read that its the SIN inside us that make us do bad things but its the HOLY SPIRIT inside us that we have the power to realize we are doing wrong and need to change for the better and that is a very humbling theriputic feeling that we are always going to sin BUT we have a HIGHER GOD that we can turn to to get  us through the troubles in our lives.

 

MUCH LOVE and hang in there!

[Doge 862]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. 

 

 

vacuum the damn floor and leave under the couch for when you 2 year old isn't wanting to play you ignorant, blind bitch.

 

While I do think you are being unnecessarily hard on yourself, I can totally relate to your pain and anger with yourself.  Remember adderall is powerful though, and you weren't yourself. 

 

 

Numb feet,

 

Ohhhh man I forgot about the numb feet...  They go away when you quit I swear!

 

 

With addys I smoke a pack a day but without I smoke NOTHING, no cravings or nicotine withdrawl AT ALL. The adderall is addicted to nicotine, not me. It goes to show that shit has a mind of its own!

 

yep you just nailed it there.  I smoked 3 packs in a day one time.  I don't even smoke or crave a cigarette in the slightest anymore (or ever did before adderall).

 

 

Soul - "You betrayed me, you let it win and now it has taken my place. I'll leave so you can be ALL that you and addys want to be. Just remember I love you and they could care less."

I know that feeling.  Good part our souls never actually left.  I think they just hibernate as a coping mechanism. 

 

Robin Williams said that the memory fog people experience looking back on years of drug addiction is actually our consciences going into witness protection program.  Definitely a ring of truth to that in my case.

 

 

I breaking up with adderall and going to find my lost love. Me. ...Plants, art, nutrition (I know right..), anything creative, reading...like GOT or Christian related....I remember bits and pieces...but most of it left when I betrayed my soul. But that ok because I'm going to find her with the help of an amazing family, friends, two little loves, husband who is more than I could ask for and of course my wonderful, forgiving and loving God!

 

Awesome!  Congratulations on your great choice and positive plan.  We are here for you too welcome to the boards!

[Virginia 14]

I don't know if you all still get on here but it's me...the original poster! I've been quit 2 years this September! It's CRAZY reading this again!

[marybelle 23]

how has recovery been for you? can you share a little? @Virginia