Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
fkadderall

my very sad miserable life

57 posts in this topic

Hey everyone.to start with, I wanna thank the maker of this website. It's the only useful forum right now. I'm 18 years old and I have been on adderall since 6th grade. I just finished high school with a very low GPA. Last year, I popped too much adderall. I took around 80mg to 100 mg. I took adderall with caffeine and if u were a tweaked, u know that caffeine makes it more intense. In school I went through daily withdrawals. I was up all night doing meaningless things, while in the day I slept throughout all my classes. I used to do well during junior year. I could easily think, with or without adderall. My life was full of positivity and the year was great. 2013 and 2014 were really good years. The more I used adderall the more I became stupid. My thinking patterns have been greatly altered by the binges. Around August of 2014, I noticed a slight change in my psychology but it wasn't too concerning. My emotions have been incredibly dulled by this pill. I feel like a zombie who is half alive. I'm trying so hard to live life but it seems so difficult. I have really slow reflexes, my thoughts are very slow. IV ruined my creativity and I'm really down. I don't want to be put on anti depressants because I was never depressed until I abused adderall. Sometimes I get terrible anxiety attacks. I can physically feel my brain like there's something wrong with it. I'm scared of psychosis and not returning to normal. IV been sober for 60 days but I don't see any improvements. Should I also stop caffeine? I wanna be stimulant free.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

congrats on 60 days that's excellent.  at your age it is totally reasonable to not depend on caffeine (under normal circumstances), though if it's helping you feel better during adderall recovery (6 years or so is a long time), I can't see anything wrong with it.

 

I wish I knew what to say about the anxiety attacks, but the fact that you are so young can only work in your favor.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like you really need to get off speed for good.  60 days is a really good start.  No need to worry about psychosis this far into your recovery, unless you are psychotic.  You are only 18 years old so recovery should be fairly swift.  Unless you think you really need to stop using caffeine, I suggest you maintain it as an option during your early days of Adderall recovery.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

abnormal thoughts, for sure.  even well into recovery

psychologically paralyzed?  I'm not sure what you mean.  I could definitely use this phrase to describe how i felt on adderall at times, but during recovery... you'll have to explain

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Time is key.  It gets better, but you need to cut yourself some slack.  Take care of yourself and don't freak out about it.  It is sooo early in your recovery.  Hang in there!

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Did u guys go through awful depressions months after stopping. A year ago, I was alive and well. I just can't accept that I'm depressed from this stupid shit. I'm only 18 and I feel like the rest of my life will revolve around depression. I feel like I'm permanently psychologically handicapped. My thoughts are so void. Nothing excites me anymore. Should I quit caffeine. It's really not helping at all. This is the lowest point of my life. Im not suicidal thought. I want to be normal, beat this addiction and help others who suffer from it.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You seem to really be hung up on caffeine being a problem.  It won't give you that "I CAN TAKE ON THE FUCKING WORLD!!!!" feeling that adderall gave you, but it will keep you awake.

 

If you feel like it's a problem and affecting your anxiety, maybe try stopping.  But personally it helps for me.  I turn into a mental case when I stop drinking coffee.  That being said I've been addicted to it for 13 years whereas you probably haven't.

 

Either way I hope you feel better soon, but my timeline went something like:

2 months - feeling rather empowered by this point

3 months - having a nervous breakdown, trying everything I could to get more adderall (but I couldn't get it)

4 months - feeling better, similar to 2 months
5 months - feeling MUCH better, filling my time with more useful things, reading more books, cooking new meals

6 months - I literally did not even notice this day click by because I was busy living life

7 months - just happened recently.  I don't think about adderall hardly as much, and when I start to feel cravings coming on, I'm much better at redirecting the thought patterns before they get out of control

 

This is an example of how many users have said:  Recovery is non-linear.  There are ups and downs like a rollercoaster but that's your brain recalibrating the chemicals side of stuff.  In the long run it always gets better.

5 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

FKADDERALL, you do NOT have to live this way!   It sounds like you need to quit for good.  Everything you're describing is very common among people who are abusing adderall or quitting.  The anxiety attacks, depression, psychological weirdness, feeling dumb from taking it (or from not taking it), shattered self confidence, dulled emotions, etc.  When you recover more, you might find your emotions becoming especially sensitive.  The self confidence and depression are things you will need to work through, you'll have good days and bad days, but know that it IS related to your quitting and it DOES gradually get better.   Your brain is going through a physiological healing process.  Let it happen.

 

I do not think coffee is an issue really.  I wouldn't worry about it for now.  A lot of people find it improves their mood.  Usually I have one or two cups per day; and it has to be early.  Otherwise I get anxiety and insomnia.  You have to learn how your body reacts to different things now that you're clean. 

 

Give it time.  Adderall is serious stuff.  Everything you are going through is NORMAL for an adderall quitter.

 

Congrats on 60 days! That's huge!!  Think of this as a new awakening for you!  You've been on these horrible pills for so long and now you're finally free--- with your whole life ahead of you!    :)

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

a lot of people here have.  I tried tyrosine but it made me nauseous but even then i could still feel its positive effects, but it just wasn't worth it for me.

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Anxiety is part of depression and depression is part of the recovery process. Tyrosine worked well for me at 500mg once or twice per day. I have also used fish oil and st. Johns wort and vitamin d to battle the bouts of depression. Too much coffee when depressed causes me to have crippling anxiety.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

my brain has been imprisoned by this stupid lame chemical. i have illogical thought patterns. things that used to be very simple are now very complex. before, it would take me a really short time to gather ideas. Now, my thoughts don't lead anywhere and i get stuck.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I shouldn't have been so naïve. pills are always so comforting and magical at first then they turn you into an almost meth head. my mind is spacey and blank right now, at this moment. i'm a machine. im a robot. i'm stuck. it's so real. I can't even explain it in words nor can I fully understand it in my head. I will survive. I have to. that's the only reason why i'm alive right now. does anyone actually use that chat thing on this forum? i'm always there but thers no one in there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

there's usually nobody in there so nobody ever checks.  if i see someone in i'll usually pop in but by then they've already gone afk so they dont answer me.

its tough to match up times but occasionally it happens.  if you really wanna talk to someone in real time just be willing to stick around for long enough

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you should also keep in mind that you are at the age where it's normal to feel sad and anxious, for no particular reason at all. This is part of growing up, you feel waves of emotions, with or without the adderall. Getting off this drug is good in the sense that it will help to keep you more stablized and less manic and upset. All the damage that was done by adderall is reversible, it just takes time for everything to heal. In the meantime, you should work on your anxiousness by finding ways to relax and calm yourself. Do some yoga, spend time at the beach, etc. I hope I've helped.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0