Scared to death now

[OffTheDeepEndNow]

Been reading for almost a year .I have been putting off writing this for awhile .... well first of all because I don't have time to stop and write, second of all I feel about a half inch tall and can't believe that I am in this situation especially as unique as bad as my situation is. I have overwhelming fear that even though I am among people who support each other for things like this mine is way off the deep end and I'm not sure how you will react I have overwhelming fair that even though I am on my port it other things like minus way of keeping and I'm not sure how you react.

But at this point I don't have much left to lose

Just please don't bash... I am an addict and trust me . I know how bad it is... I'll be as to the point as possible, as I'm winding down a 4 day binge and don't much feel like writing.....

Started assets for chronic fatigue and ADHD in January of this year. After feeling like death warmed over for years I finally felt like a human being again. My ADHD is horrible and between that and CF I cannot function normally . forgetting my car is in still in gear and leaving it ... Serious memory and executive functioning issues. I am also a mom of very active kids and run a daycare.

I've been binging on adderall from the start , but lately I'm scared.. Very scared. That is what's prompted me to write this . I'm hoping for insight and support and also as a warning to anyone reading this who May be considering adderall or has just started but not hooked yet....

I think I'm losing my mind. The sharp focused ,social "love everyone and everything" superhuman that Adderall made me is looking more like a total B*tch who freaks out at people and hyperfocuses on ignorant things like trying for hours to complete projects that make no sense.  Last week I wanted to make baby safety gates. Saw some on a DIY website at 4 am... And got the bright idea.

I actually spent 3 hours in The living room floor, attaching fabric to foam science project type boards with staples... Then thumbtacks then when that flopped I tried nails.. I actually ended up nailing it through my hardwood floors... Luckily i have a large rug so no one noticed.

I honestly didn't have a clue that what I was attempting was absolutely absurd.

A few nights later I snapped out of the daze I was in and realized that I had been online all night researching health insurance plans for my puppy. ALL NIGHT... It was 5:30 am when I realized what time it was.

I was once productive and it made sense. Everything was in its place and I was on top of it all.   Now I have become obsessed with making lists that never get done and I have  piles of well organized junk..

This is where it gets bad.... (Or worse)

When I started getting tolerance I got another script...then 2 more ... So now I have 4 and have gone from 40mgs a day to finishing a script in a weekend. I will take 300 to 400 mgs a day of I have it.

People say I'm a strong person... And I used to agree. But I cannot seem to stop this.

I couldn't handle the crash after such a high dose binge... So I did something horrible.

I started buying benzedrex.. Propylhexadrine....

That is the most disgusting low life thing I've ever done..... I am so ashamed but that's my go to when I run out.... Actually I probably take that more often than adderall because I run out so quick.

So 120 adderall last me around a week or 10 days .. The I take at least 250 mgs (usually 500) of Propylhexadrine the rest of the month

I have started overheating. You know they call it "brain hyperthermia"  well it's real .. And it's scary. The night of my baby gate project I was doing all that work with an ice pack on my head.. One under each arm, and each knee, and wiping myself down with ice water and a towel. I still couldn't cool my body. It was so hot I could feel the heat radiating like a furnace. The ice melted as quick as i put it to my skin.

That was after around 200 mgs of adderall xr and no sleep for a day or so...

Then last night it happened again. I doubled the ice packs and sat still ... My temp never got as high as it was going to because I caught it early and stopped it.

I wasn't dehydrated... I never am ... But my skin feels tight and my  eyes burn and feel swollen. My heartbeat is slow and hard. My head pounds and my body is covered in bruises. From what , I've not a clue. Happens all the time...

3 weeks ago. When I ran out of adderall ... I was aggravated that the Propylhexadrine wasn't working as well so I took more..  I thought I would die. My heart stopped many times and doubled up to recover.. I just lay there thinking calmly to myself that I did this to myself and if I die tonight it's no one's fault but mine... I swear my heart was quivering... Like V- fib several times. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I couldn't keep my eyes open but had no reason to be sleepy. I felt so nauseous I couldn't move.. And the next day, my entire chest all the way to my shoulders felt bruised like very bad pulled muscles. So I know I wasn't hallucinating.

I spent my entire paycheck last weekend and I have NO idea where it went. I remember going to petsmart , Lowe's and a few more places.

I am angry right now... That I'm out of adderall and coming down. I want to scream. But I will just eat something for the first time in awhile Then go to bed... Feel like absolute he'll tomorrow and freak out /cry over nothing and have insane anxiety for no reason.

Here's the kicker: I know that I'm going to die. I tell myself that all the time when I'm doing massive amounts of cleaning and see the sun coming up .. Or staying up for days never eating. Especially when I get so hot and can't cool myself and I can see veins bulging in my head and can SEE my pulse in my abdomen.

In that same breath that I say I'm going to die... I say but I won't stop. I keep binging.. I can't control it ..

Tonight I finished 2 bottles that I picked up I Friday... Its Monday night..... That's a massive amount of amphetamine.

Have I lost my rational mind? The ability to make sensible decisions? Has the neurotoxicity taken its toll finally and I can't gain control now? I cannot stop myself.

I know that hyperthermia is DEADLY , usually instantly ... And I do it again The next day? What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?

I know I've done some damage ... Especially since I've regularly taken caffeine pills and many other things to potentiate both adderall and Propylhexadrine for a long time .. Even added a gram of L-Tyrosine with adderall for several weeks when my tolerance got so high. Then that stopped working too...

I'm up to at least 180mgs a day (like 8 hours) taking it with 200-400mgs of vivarin every dose. Fish oil, magnesium and sometimes sodium bicarb.

I should probably already be dead by now right?

[OffTheDeepEndNow]

Can't figure out how to edit :

have overwhelming fair that even though I am on my port it other things like minus way of keeping and I'm not sure how you react.

Should be : overwhelming FEAR , even though I amazing others who have been through the same thing.

Sorry

[CarpeDiem!]

My friend, you have got to stop. I saw so much of myself in your words. I'm not sure what Benzedrine is, but my adderall intake was pretty high. Did I read correctly that you have four different adderall scripts? You have got to cut them off and seek help. A body can only take so much before it gives out, and I'm certain your like is worth way more than adderall. I quit 3 months ago, and my binges, endless "projects", wasting money, not truly focusing on my child, irregular heart beats, sweating, heart palpitations, high blood pressure, and on, and on. Every day gets me further from that part of my life, and Leif is so much better without. You can do this. You NEED to do this. We are here to support you.

[CarpeDiem!]

And excuse my my errors as well. I was falling asleep while I was typing.

[Greg]

I've been there..where you are. I really feel you need to check into rehab and put an end to this lifestyle

[OffTheDeepEndNow]

Took me awhile to log back in... When I came to the site on my phone there was another username I didn't recognize saved in the username field. I know I did not write a post from that username but i don't even remember signing up. That is a strange and scary feeling... I wonder what else I can't remember doing...

Yes I have 4 scripts. 2 are mine from the same doctor and 2 I'm supposed to give to my child. He does have ADHD but I would never give my kids adderall, knowing what I know...Tenex is working great for him. His doctor thinks he takes both.

Oh and Benzedrex... Ugh ... Its an otc allergy inhaler that's basically meth. Chemically anyway... I only use that to combat withdrawal... Otherwise I wouldn't .. Not that Im excusing myself...

I remember when adderall lasted almost a month... Then I would suffer through a few days ...Then maybe a week between scripts... Now I'm lucky to get a weeks use out of a month's worth. Yesterday I took my last 7 20mg XR.. Over about 4 hours.. Lowest dose I've taken in awhile. My mindset was that I had to hurry and cram everything I could into one more day because my productivness depends on adderall.

I wonder how I will feel if I actually allow myself to come back down to baseline.

I've considered rehab may be my only option... No one had a clue about this... Its just my secret world, so it would definitely come as a shock... Sigh

[Doge]

 

My heart stopped many times and doubled up to recover.. I just lay there thinking calmly to myself that I did this to myself and if I die tonight it's no one's fault but mine...

 

I remember this feeling so well.  I'd go from being clean for a month or so, and having my body adapted to no adderall, and then I would suddenly go on a 300mg binge.  I remember that scary feeling at the end of the "night" when your heart is beating so hard and irregularly you think you are going to die.

 

You will be amazed at how much your body can heal if you quit.  It will be hard but what you are doing now is no way to live, and it's obvious that you've already decided that.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself.  There's a reason people get addicted to this stuff.  It is vicious.

[AlwaysAwesome]

Reach down deep and find the strong person that you used to be.  You are still there...hiding and afraid of life.  don't pick it back up.  Cancel your prescriptions.  Tell your doctors.  I would probably not tell the kid's doc...you might get jail time for that.  But, you could tell the doc that you are not putting your kid on it anymore and to stop writing the scrip.  I am so sorry that you are going through this.  We have all been there.  Living proof that you can escape this horrible trap.  Stay close to this site and post often. 

 

Welcome and good luck!

[fkadderall]

you can quit and you will quit. our lives are all horrible because of this shit. you can do this. steven tyler has done way worse shit than you. he snorted half of peru. he was a major cocaine addict. he was also addicted to heroin. eric clapton was addicted to coke. lindsay lohan was addicted to adderall and coke. britney spears was addicted to amphetamine and other drugs.we're all in the same boat. you can fix this. that's why you're still alive right now. each time you take another pill, you will make things worse. stopping the pill is the very first step to recovery. right now, someone out there is overdosing on heroin. someone out there is in a coma. if you're still capable of deciding to quit do it. everyone in the world is not perfectly living in harmony. someone out there is dying in a car crash at this very moment. people in africa are dying from ebola. 

[Jmart]

This forum is going to be one of your best resources. We have all been there and we have all had to learn that we are in control. There is life and peace beyond adderall. It's not an easy road but you have so much to live for. Hold on to those you love and let go of adderall. I'm just over 3 months clean and I remember those thoughts of never being able to quit. You are on the right track admitting it's a problem and being concerned for your well being.

[Greg]

Keep in mind Benzedrine inalers are highly addictive and just as bad as all the other drugs: adderall, vyvance, Ritalin, Dexedrine..I am shocked that Benzedrine is still available for sale!

Benzedrine was basically "the adderall of the 1960s "

This is a mess. We've all been there and know what it's like. I was also downing scripts and goon to multiple doctors and had a mental break and also breaking down every day. This is a complete mess. Period. Rehab is a very good way out of it...

[Greg]

At least start looking at rehab options instead of organizing cabinets..

[fkadderall]

It's not the end of the world. If you came to this site, you did it for the right reasons. You have to tell yourself that there is life behind this. No one is perfect and people don't don't purposely take one pill to become addicted. You have to end your prescription and seek treatment as soon as possible. Amphetamine is a terrible drug, you know its evil. The high is not worth it. The high is not worth it. Tell your self that. THE HIGH IS NOT WORTH IT. you don't want your kids to be without a mother because of a stupid pill. You have control over it. Oliver sacks was a psychologist known for finding the chemical "L-dopa". This drug is being used to treat Parkinson's disease. He was addicted to amphetamine in his younger days. He lived a long life and died at the age of 82. What I'm trying to say is, it's never too late. We are all by your side. Do it for your kids

[Searching4Zara]

I haven't posted my story yet for many of the same reasons you mentioned. I have not read a story more identical to my own until now, between the incredibly high dosages (esp for a thin female), the wasted hours of researching nonsense or doing the most absurd ideas thinking they make total sense. Not to mention the excessive shopping, being a mom (I am a single mom to make matters worse), going days without sleep or food. But most of all, like everyone here, I have wanted to stop so badly but the fear of withdrawal (I use diet pills or buy amps off the street when my 60mgXR a day script runs out). I was given adderall tor depression and that only makes w/d seem that much more scary! When the detox can cause suicidal depression and that's the reason you went on the med--- take it away and I have already been to the darkest places a mind can go- both on and off adderall.

I started attempting to cut down my dose as I was reading all over the internet the months of crippling fatigue and other w/d symptoms at doses less than. 1/4 of mine. I know everyone is different but when 90mgs at once barely have an effect on you the thought of none (or the days spent in the past without none) were brutal. As much as the drug has ruined EVERY single aspect of my life and self including my physical and mental health and has turned me into nothing short of a hermit who barely leaves their house. The most troubling of all thought is my relationship with my (just turned 8 y/o) daughter. I am a horrible mother and it's so hard to admit that but it's true. We used to be close and go out and do things and now.... well, everything has changed. I know I can repair that relationship but the pain and guilt for what my poor child has had to witness and go through is unforgivable. And yet I can't stop for her either. I keep hoping this time will be different but lately it has been even worse, not even numbing my feelings like I relied on them for-- there is nothing good about what either of us are doing and I believe we both know that but then the issue is HOW to stop (rehab is not really an option for me) but also how to stay stopped.

I was forced to quit about 6 months ago and about two weeks later I remember feeling lighter and happier and could feel some of my natural energy come back. I knew as I drove to fill my script it was the worst idea but of course I did it anyway. I have just as many promises to myself as I do empty bottles long before the end of each month. I have no choice but to do this and you seem to maybe feel that same desperation in spite of the fear of going off and living without adderall. I guess it comes down to not making more excuses as to when it will be a good time to quit--everyday is the best and worst day. But the day we do is the day we take our life back--- and ourselves for that matter. I am an empty shell of the empty shell of the person I once was and it's terrifying!

Today I am going to try to make it through the day without anything and to take each day as it comes, I wish you the best in doing the same! You are not alone at all! I am so sorry for all you went through and for being in this awful place of addiction but there is hope for you and me and everyone here as so many, many talented, creative, famous and those like me who the world has not missed much since falling down this rabbit hole but who have come out on the other-side and are better people for it.

Wishing you the best!

- Zara

[Serena333]

I too am amazed how much control I don't have over adderall and other stimulants. I start out on the prescribed dose then the lack of control sets in. Crazy.

You are not alone! I'm finding after 2weeks off adderall I'm starting to feel better yet I still want to take adderall. I'm seeing the poor decisions I've made while on adderall. I've been abusing it for over ten years! My life has become unmanageable.

I hope you don't have to take it as long as I have before realizing what I have. I can't take even one adderall without loosing control. I don't plan to take anymore, I hope. I do feel better

Hang in there. And again your not alone

[fkadderall]

Adderall is a temporary fix. Your withdrawals feel like hell and one dose will make you feel normal. In the long run, you won't even feel normal with adderall so you both need to quit. Do it while you still have some dopamines left in you. If you don't, might as well just not go on this site to find help. Go to rehab or don't ask for help in this forum. We can sympathetically understand that it's a hell and miserable. This forum is for strong encouragements to those who actually want to quit. Please stop idolizing adderall like it's food or water. You can live without adderall, not water. Adderall is merely nothing compared to heroin. You have to see that you won't pop trillions of pills till you reach 90 years old. Best of luck to u. I'm no doctor but if you don't want terrible dementia, stop this adderall stuff and start living a healthy lifestyle. You have to decide on your own.

[fkadderall]

You are not solving any problems by adding more damages to the damages that it has already done

[Doge]

FKADDERALL:  hey take it easy.  you are correct about many things but remember how painful it is to be in the clutches of those demons.

 

Zara:

 

I knew as I drove to fill my script it was the worst idea but of course I did it anyway.

 

I remember feeling this way in my last half a dozen or so relapses after going between 2-8 weeks without adderall.  There was a certain path I would walk to my dealers house and it became part of my ritual.  On my way there I was torn between giddy elation (being excited to get more pills) and black despair (wondering why I was doing this to myself even though I knew it was self-destruction of myself).

 

I don't know how to explain it but it was like I was watching myself from 3rd person, thinking "This is a stupid idea.  This is a stupid idea.  Why are you doing this.  This is a stupid idea.  Don't do it.  Just go home."  But I just kept on walking as if I had no control over my actions.  Of course I did actually have control, I was just acting on impulse rather than reason.

 

It was probably through this insight that I finally accepted the fact that I was full-blown addicted and that I would never quit through sheer willpower alone.  I had to admit to others I was addicted and ask for their help.  Fortunately my dealer cut me off and ever since has refused to sell me any (even when I begged him).

 

Addiction is terrifying.  Forgiving yourself is the first step and reaching out for help is the second.  Don't ever let your pride stop you from reaching out for help.

[BeHereNow]

 Last week I wanted to make baby safety gates.

 

 

.......

A few nights later I snapped out of the daze I was in and realized that I had been online all night researching health insurance plans for my puppy. ALL NIGHT... It was 5:30 am when I realized what time it was.

 

 

You seem like a very caring person, if you are a parent and run a day care and are spending so much time and energy concerned for kids' and puppies' safety.    A lot of adderall projects seem ridiculous, but come from a deep down genuine place.   It sounds like you really care about kids, and animals, and yourself.  

 

If you really care about your kids, and your puppy, then you need to stop.  Because a lot of the time, our actions don't just affect us, the affect others around us.  By taking these drugs, you're turning into someone else, and removing your ability to care for your puppy and your babies.  If you keep going, it just keeps going downhill. 

[BeHereNow]

I wasn't dehydrated... I never am ... But my skin feels tight and my  eyes burn and feel swollen. My heartbeat is slow and hard. My head pounds and my body is covered in bruises. From what , I've not a clue. Happens all the time...

Here's the kicker: I know that I'm going to die. I tell myself that all the time when I'm doing massive amounts of cleaning and see the sun coming up .. Or staying up for days never eating. Especially when I get so hot and can't cool myself and I can see veins bulging in my head and can SEE my pulse in my abdomen.

In that same breath that I say I'm going to die... I say but I won't stop. I keep binging.. I can't control it ..

Tonight I finished 2 bottles that I picked up I Friday... Its Monday night..... That's a massive amount of amphetamine.

Have I lost my rational mind? The ability to make sensible decisions? Has the neurotoxicity taken its toll finally and I can't gain control now? I cannot stop myself.

I know that hyperthermia is DEADLY , usually instantly ... And I do it again The next day? What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?

 

 

It's not your fault.  There are physiological reasons people become addicted and nobody asks for it.  But I really think it sounds like you have lost control and I am worried about you.  I think you need to accept that you do not have control over this substance, and check into rehab.  

 

Your body is trying to tell you that you're hurting yourself very, very badly.  Easy bruising is a sign of liver damage for example.  Your vital organs, your heart and liver, and brain, are all hurting BADLY.  They are begging you to get medical help!!!   If you stop NOW then you can heal more than you imagine.  But you have to stop NOW.   As in, RIGHT NOW.  Please?

[MJ4thDimension]

I've come to realize that when it comes to an addiction as severe as yours, there is no power in the world that can stop you, especially your own will power and logic. Addiction will take all of your assets and turn them against you, if you're intelligent it will use your intelligence to construct insane rationalizations that will allow you to keep using. If you are kind, it will use your kindness to convince everyone around you that there is nothing wrong. There is shift that takes place in the spirit of every addict when they come to realize the utter hopelessness of their addiction. You recognize that you've reached ground zero. You have no power to stop. This is the Truth. And it will set you free. From this truth there is simple idea that seems work as a foundation for amazing and seemingly miraculous change, the idea that there exists a loving Presence in the universe that cares to bring you back to life. If you realize you have no power, you must conceive that there exists a source of power that is greater than you, and all you have to do from there is put your faith in this power in the same way you put your faith in Adderall. It's as simple as a sincere cry for help, and a willingness to accept the help, regardless of what form it comes in. Believe it or not, this forum is a power greater than yourself. Why? Because it's filled with people who were once as hopeless as you, but have gained freedom. We have gained the power that currently doesn't have. And we want nothing more than to share it with you. Now all you have to do is believe that the help we are offering will save your life. I have heard several people suggest that you go to rehab, and I will agree with all my heart that is what will save your life. I am praying, sending helpful intention, meditating on your survival. If anyone else believes in that sort of thing, please take a few moments to pray that she gets the help she needs.

[Doge]

beautifully written