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Donfondle

If I did it, you can do it. Trust me.

12 posts in this topic

Not gonna lie guys, this is a bit long.  I have a lot to say but I promise that if you endure this wall of text you will feel a rejuvenated sense of why you decided to quit in the first place.

 

I've taken adderall steadily for the past 6 years of my life.  I was 19 when I took my first dose and I thought that I had finally found a way to get ahead and utilize my full potential.  In case you're super shitty at math, I'm 25 now.  Everything was so clear, I was able to focus on tasks for ridiculously long amounts of time, I suddenly had this "inspiration" in my everyday life that I simply didn't have before, I was losing weight (mainly due to forgetting to eat as often) and I was looking great.  My skin was glowing and my eyes radiated resolution and confidence.

 

All of that sounds pretty rad right?  Unfortunately, there was one problem; it was all completely synthetic and artificial.

 

This is not to say that I didn't have the potential to be an efficient powerhouse without the drug, but I wasn't learning how to do it on my own.  I was relying on a pill every day to do it for me.  I justified my continued abuse in literally any way that I could whether it be "I don't even take that high of a dose" or "my doctor prescribed this to me for a reason right?  I need this."

 

Three years in to my drug fueled lifestyle and I realized that I hadn't accomplished shit.  Adderall had gotten me hyped up every day but I somehow ended up falling in to the same cycle of not doing anything to better my life or to get ahead.  I continued to waste the high on playing video games or going on youtube tangents for several hours at a time, and usually ended my days by binge drinking myself to sleep.  Adderall's euphoric effects simply made me content with achieving nothing.

 

It was around this same time that I noticed something; my pills didn't seem to be working anymore.  I would take my XR at the same time I did every day, but I just seemed to be fast-forwarding through the feel good and arriving at the crash landing.  My thought process had become foggy and I didn't enjoy activities that I normally adored (writing/playing music, going to the gym, and in general socializing with others.)  I started to develop symptoms very similar to bipolar disorder and was seldomly ever actually happy.  My girlfriend of 4 years decided that she couldn't deal with my constant mood swings and unenthusiastic attitude anymore and left me.  Not even for another guy; she just preferred being single over having to deal with someone who had lost all confidence and sense of self-worth. 

 

This threw me in to a mild depression, but I never actually dealt with it properly because I didn't have to.  I didn't have to, because I had the ultimate fallback, the ultimate safety net; my adderall.  I began to become even more reclusive and shit on a few relationships that I had cherished since I was like 8 years old.  My personality had shifted from the happy-go-lucky life of the party fun-factory to the strung out pathetic malnourished loser that overcompensated for his lack of substance by getting buff and trying to fuck random girls.

 

I'm trying to keep this as short as possible guys, I PROMISE you, just bare with me for a little while longer.

 

Fast-forward to about a month ago.  I was on my way home from school (something I should have been finished with 3-4 years ago) when I caught a glimpse of myself in my rear-view mirror while stopped at a red light.  I'm not exaggerating when I say that I didn't recognize the person looking back at me.  My eyes sported enormous, symmetrical unsightly bags underneath them and were bloodshot and exhausted looking.  My skin just seemed pale, lifeless and dry.  I forced a smile to maybe alter the image of whoever I was looking at, but it looked forced and to be blatantly honest, rather creepy.  Creepy?  Me?  When did I become that type of person.  Everyone loves me.  Or at least they used to.

 

I pulled over, killed the engine and just sat in my car for about 45 minutes.  I didn't cry, I didn't listen to music or call anybody; I just sat there and reflected on what the fuck I had been doing for the past 6 years.  What the hell was I doing with my life?  Why was I so unhappy?  It was at this moment that I made quite possibly the best decision of my life.  I headed straight home, grabbed my pill bottle and emptied the contents into the toilet.  Before I even had time to contemplate rescuing them from their watery grave, I flushed and walked away.

 

I won't lie, the first two days sucked.  I was pretty sapped of energy and ambition, and was getting agitated over the littlest things VERY quickly.  I fought back with lots of caffeine and exercise, and once day 3 arrived I woke up with a feeling I was not familiar with at all.  I woke up feeling RESTED.  I woke up feeling like I had actually slept the night before and that I was naturally motivated to get up and cook breakfast for myself.  It was on this same day that I genuinely laughed until I cried at some random stupid shit I saw on the internet.  I'd forgotten what that was like, and it was like this warm wave of happiness that rushed over me.

 

After the first week, I began going to the gym again.  Only now, things seemed to be different.  I was making eye contact with other gym goers and employees there and even struck up a few random conversations.  I caught a couple girls smiling at me as I walked by and thought to myself "holy shit I'm happy."  I felt like I was radiating positive vibes and that everyone could tell.  The best way I can describe the feeling is that I was finally on the same wavelength as everybody else, and was surfing it like a fuckin pro.

 

And so here I am; a month after quitting amphetamines and I feel like I'm myself again.  My appetite has returned to normal, I'm genuinely excited to see people and I'm hardly ever at home.  The best part is that the functionality and efficiency that I had experienced on adderall is now permanently embedded in to my brain.  I was able to focus while on the drug, and I now remember how to do so even though I'm off of it.

 

Quitting Adderall is hands down the best thing that I could have done for myself.  I feel more sociable, more approachable, more attractive and a whole hell of a lot healthier.  I really hope that anyone who reads this has decided to do the same because nothing but good can come from it.  Thank you SO much for reading this and feel free to share your story with me as well.

 

 

 

 

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So happy for you.  Quitting saved my life as well.

 

Post lots over the next few months!

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It's haunting how similar our stories, yet they take place in different settings with difference ... characters?

 

The perceived climb to greatness and the inevitable fall to despair is such a common thread in all of our stories.

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That's why it's such a dangerous drug man.  It provides you with this vivid illusion of greatness and while you're living in your own fantasy world, your real life gets neglected.  Although I wish I knew all of this before, I wouldn't change a thing.  I learned a lot from abusing Adderall that I feel will come in to play in a greatly positive way once I have all of my shit together again.  

 

To insure I don't fuck up again, I sat down with my doctor last week and explained my situation.  I requested that he not refill my prescription again under any circumstances and while he was generally understanding, he seemed upset with me that I didn't report any of this to him earlier.  I had to visit him every 3 months for a "psych evaluation" if you will, and I put on such a good act that he didn't suspect a thing.  Just goes to show how addictive and manipulative of a substance it can be.

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Im so happy to hear you told your doctor the truth.  So many people refuse to do this and it hurts their chances of true recovery because they can just go back to the pills later when they change their mind.

And yeah, we addicts are amazing actors.

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That's why it's such a dangerous drug man.  It provides you with this vivid illusion of greatness and while you're living in your own fantasy world, your real life gets neglected.  Although I wish I knew all of this before, I wouldn't change a thing.  I learned a lot from abusing Adderall that I feel will come in to play in a greatly positive way once I have all of my shit together again.  

 

To insure I don't fuck up again, I sat down with my doctor last week and explained my situation.  I requested that he not refill my prescription again under any circumstances and while he was generally understanding, he seemed upset with me that I didn't report any of this to him earlier.  I had to visit him every 3 months for a "psych evaluation" if you will, and I put on such a good act that he didn't suspect a thing.  Just goes to show how addictive and manipulative of a substance it can be.

 

its strange, despite all the shitty things and outcomes of my addiction, some part of me does not regret it as well. i have certainly gained many things from adderall fueled knowledge binging. would i say it was *worth it*? absolutely not. 

 

my next 3 month visit is coming up soon. i really wish i could say i will definitely tell her about my abuse, but more likely i will ask her to stop me for some other reason or another. i know, i know- this allows a potential source in the future if i ever want it.. :/

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only you know yourself.  i just know that i relapsed over a dozen times after staying clean for 2-3 months because I (as in my inner addict version of me) simply convinced myself things werent that bad.  Since I hadn't told my dealer why I stopped he just gave me more.

 

im just lucky my dealer was a friend who cared about my well-being.  once I finally broke down and told him what was going on (about me binging for days straight) finally, he was like, "wow holy shit.  yeah i'm not giving you any more ever"

 

some scumbag  would have just tripled the price and continued to supply me once he realized I was addicted

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Hey!

Your post hit home with me. I started taking adderall when I was 22 and I am 25 now. I am currently on Adderall but I am hoping to quit. I noticed several things I relate to in your post. The main one is social isolation. I have put up so many walls. I see friends every month or so, and even now I am totally different. Instead of being rambunctious and loud, I am quiet and reserved. That's certainly not who I was three years ago.

What was the key thing that helped you regain your motivation. I tried to quit a year ago, and did so, but even after 4 months I was still tired.

What advice would you give to someone like me, who is still in school full-time and working?

Also, I agree with what you said about Adderall teaching you how to focus. I noticed that when I quit I had the urge to clean!

This might be a weird question, but I know when I quit Adderall I'm going to be dead for a few days during the initial stage. Is there anything I can do to prep? And is there anything I should do now, utilizing the Adderall, that will help me in quitting?

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I would take the holiday break to quit, if I were you.  Plenty of time off, good comfort food, and no pressure to be anywhere.  Stock up on snacks and take some time off.  That is my only advice.  Good luck!

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I have to tell you that you motivated me to give quitting a chance. The part about not recognizing yourself in the mirror (I'm not going to be able to write that in a way that does it justice) but I've had that moment with myself and words can't even describe the range of feelings and thoughts that cycle through. It's a scary moment when things that seemed so in control are really just the opposite and when meaning is void from everything. anyways, your comments about going to the gym and excercising gave me the inspiration to get in there today despite feeling tired and it was a good feeling to feel natural endorphins. So thank you for sharing your story! As you can tell, it resonates with a lot of ppl here as well as me and I hope you're doing well. Happy holidays!

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